Shawn Kemp, The E! True Holywood Story.

First, I must apologize to Jaime for repeated spelling mistakes involving her name. Please accept my sincerest apologies, as of course this disrespect was not intended. I do apologize for any problems this error on my part may have caused. After all, it isn't your fault your parents couldn't figure out how to spell Jamie. Now on with the show.

Narrator: This is the E! True Hollywood Story of Shawn Kemp. Shawn Kemp grew up in Elkhart, IN where he was one of 15 black youths...in the state. In his senior season at Concord High School he led his team to an undefeated season and state title. High school coach, Norman "Hoosier" Thompkins..

Coach: He was the best player I have ever seen. I was truly blessed to have coached him. Do you know how easy it is for me to get laid these days? Undefeated season? State title? In Indiana? Shit, son. I'm knee deep in the...

Narrator: After high school, Kemp enrolled at the University of Kentucky but was unable to attain the lofty academic standards...of a state school in Kentucky. Then Kentucky basketball coach, Rick Pitino...

Pitino: Shawn Kemp was supposed to come here? I was too busy looking ahead to destroying the Celtics franchise in 1997, I didn't even notice.

Narrator: Kemp then attended Trinity Valley Comm. Coll. in Texas. However, he would never play there. Trinity coach, Lou Stein...

Stein: He said something to me like, "Coach, I just can't get enough poon here at Community College. I've gotta take my pimp game pro."

Narrator: And pimp he did. Drafted by the Seattle Supersonics with the 17th pick in the NBA draft. Kemp celebrated the historic night by knocking up his first groupie in the New York hotel he was staying at.

Kemp: She was all like, "You got a room here?" I'm like, "Yeah." She's like, "Who are you?" I'm like, "I'm Shawn Kemp. Just got drafted by Seattle." And it was on. It was on.

Narrator: Kemp became a force to be reckoned with in his first 5 years in the leauge, averaging around 15 points and 10 rebounds per game, as well as a leauge high 0.60 pregnancy/season ratio bringing his career kid count to four. Kemp even mananged to have two of his next three children with the same woman.

Kemp: I did? No shit? I thought she looked familiar.

Narrator: The fantasy ride continued for Kemp who in 1998 discovered, on a 3 hour layover in Dallas, that he had fathered a child there. The child had ironically been conceived on a previous 3 hour layover in Dallas. Former teammate, Kendall Gill...

Gill: That one kinda surprised him. Well, I guess surprise isn't exactly the word. More like he was surprised it was Dallas and not San Antonio. He thought for sure he had knocked that stripper up in San Antonio. He got lucky on that one.

Narrator: Then, before the 1998-99 season, the NBA players were "locked out" because they couldn't agree on a new deal with the leauge. During this time, Kemp underwent a drastic reformation. Former coach, that guy that coached Cleveland in 1998-99...

That guy: He started eating. A lot. And drinking heavily. Between the food and booze and child support payments, he barely had any money left for condoms!

Narrator: And it showed, by the time the abbreviated season started in 1999 Kemp had fathered two more children, by the same mother, and ballooned from his svelt, athletic rookie body, into somewhere in the "Dad from Family Matters" territory. Kemp's career continued in Portland and Orlando before finally ending in 2002-03. Looking back, NBA commissioner David Stern...

Stern: Sure he was a 6 time All Star and was one of the original NBA players to not attend college. But the one thing he could do better than anyone of his era, was father illegitimate children. Seven children with five baby mommas? That is a record for the ages.

Narrator: Former heavyweight boxing champ and father of five illegitimate children, Evander Holyfield...

Holyfield: He's the greatest. Ali was the greatest at knock outs. Kemp was the greatest at knock ups.

Narrator: Kemp recently signed with the Oklahoma Storm of the CBA, and will be bringing his fathering ways to small towns all over the country. He also recently signed a shoe deal for the first time in almost seven years. He will be endorsing a shoe called simply "thePump." CEO of thePump, Nathan Holtslander..

Umm, me: You've got a shoe called thePump. You think Shawn Kemp, don't you? It's just makes sense.

Narrator: After the original airing of this show, Shawn Kemp had another kid and supposedly had an attempt made on his life. We wish him the best.

THE END

I'm finished.
And tired of typing.
Nate