Has there been a more useless invention in our lifetime than the third window at the drive thru that is never used for anything other than storing boxes? Someone had a great idea back in the mid 90s to have two separate windows, one where you pay and one where you pick up your food. Some guy name Frank probably didn't have anything to contribute in that meeting, but didn't want to come off as uncreative, so he added "If one extra window is good, why not a second one?" Good work, Frank.
When the Vikings were flying Brett Favre up to Minnesota yesterday, do you thing they opened the hatch somewhere around Sun Prairie so he could take an actual dump on Wisconsin at the same time he was dropping a big, steaming metaphorical pile on the state?
"Give a hoot - don't pollute." Really, Woodsy Owl? Smokey the Bear and McGruff the Crime Dog must make fun of him mercilessly behind his back for that catchphrase. They have to be calling him Woodsy the Cable Guy when he's not around, no?
The Cassini spacecraft found evidence of liquid water on one of the moons of Saturn. Sweet. Can we live there? No? Moving on.
Can someone explain to me what the hell is going on with bubble gum flavors? Savage Sour Apple? Sour Double Berry? The seven different varieties that incorporate the unholy artificial watermelon flavor? Bubble Yum makes a flavor that is supposed to taste like... ready to hurl?... Hershey's chocolate. Look, Bubblicious used to make a flavor called Cherry Cola and it was fan-freakin-tastic. You bring that back, give me some Paradise Punch to go with it, maybe some Gonzo Grape for when I'm feeling frisky and call it a day. I don't need gum to taste like mango, OK?
I find it hard to believe that in 2009, they still sell ties with cartoon characters on them. The cartoon tie says, "I know how to dress professionally, but as you can tell by the drawing of Foghorn Leghorn on my tie, I can not, I say, can not be taken seriously."
How simple do we need to make pregnancy tests? There is one on the market now that gives a digital readout that spells out "pregnant" or "not pregnant". They claim that studies show a high percentage of tests are misread. Really?!?! Are these people taking the test out of the box and immediately shredding the instructions? I'm sure most of us have been on the business end of waiting for the results of a pregnancy test at one point or another. It's not something where you want to try winging it. Just sayin.
Anyone that spends any amount of time devising a plan to lay a finger on someone else's Butterfinger needs to:
a) seriously re-evaluate their priorities in life
b) maybe clean out the ashtray in their car and make a trip to the vending machine.
Don't you feel that horror movies have become much less plausible since the advent of cell phones?
Toyota has a commercial where a lady is carrying a couple bags of groceries, talking on a cell phone and inadvertently pulls the door handle off of her dilapidated vehicle. The commercial suggests that this would be a perfect time for her to take advantage of the "cash for clunkers" program. Hey, Toyota? I'm guessing that someone driving a 1983 RAV4 might not have the economic resources to be in the market for a new Highlander Hybrid.
- The redbox kiosk is a genius idea. Rent new releases for a dollar a night while you're going into the grocery store? Yeah, OK.
- Netflix is also a genius idea. Make a list of movies you want to see, watch one, send it back, rinse, repeat.
So, when Hollywood studios gets involved, you just know they are going to take two ingenious ideas and eff them up as bad as they can. Warner Bros joined Fox and Universal by announcing plans to not provide new releases to redbox or Netflix until 28 days after they are released to the public (at Best Buy, for example.) The argument is that the low cost rentals are a major contributing factor to slumping DVD sales. This can all be avoided of course, as long as the rental outfits agree to share rental revenues. I think a lawyer for Warner Bros was actually quoted saying, "Give us more money, buddy!"
So, basically the studios had agreed to sell the DVDs wholesale to redbox back when it first came out, then the economy tanked and people stopped buying DVDs, so the studios feel that this climate no longer suits them and they want to change the game. They came out with a better way to distribute your product, assholes! Nobody buys DVDs any more because, a) people are friggin broke and b) DVDs are wicked expensive. There's no way I'm buying a DVD right now unless its something I'm straight up positive I'm going to watch a bunch of times (like "Watchmen" or "Wild Things 3: Diamonds in the Rough"). I'm not going to go pull out $20 to go to the big box store and pick up a copy of "Obsessed" (despite a guaranteed chick fight between Ali Larter and Beyonce.) So, enjoy Netflix and redbox as they are now, because I'm sure that in the end they will come to some sort of profit sharing agreement which will inevitably mean higher prices for the consumers.
I'm finished,
Nate
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
You're Better Than That, Vol 2
A guy in Joliet, IL will have been in jail for 21 days by this Thursday for being a disruptive spectator in a courtroom. Now, the defendant claims that his cousin was only "yawning" when he was locked up on contempt charges. The prosecutor claims that it was a "...boisterous, deliberate attempt on the part of this individual to disrupt the proceedings." Let's say the truth is somewhere in between and maybe the needle points a little bit more to the prosecution's recollection of events. Twenty-one days?!?!?! That's three weeks!!!!
I get that we need order and structure in our court system, I really do. But, don't they have people they can call in an effin courthouse to remove someone who is being disruptive, and oh by the way not on trial for anything? Is that not possible? Even Judge Judy has a bailiff! There's a guy named Judge "Extreme" Akim on syndicated television that has an enforcer named Big Sugar Ray Phillips to keep order in his court. What the hell is this judge's deal?
Notice the statement from the prosecutor didn't mention anything like "After repeated warnings..."? Did the guy get told to sit down and shut up a few times, or was it more like, "Hey, you! The one that was boisterous just now, for the first time today. I have a zero tolerance policy for ballyhoo in my court! You're going to county, end of discussion."? Of course, we don't know any of these details, because it's a bare bones AP story, which leaves the door open for people like me to make their own inferences about it.
The man may get out on Thursday if "he apologizes and the judge accepts." Serious? He has to apologize to a judge that made him spend three weeks in jail? Like I said, I have respect for the law and the order of the courtroom. However, unless you threatened to kill somebody or exclaimed something really inflammatory, like "I think Tyler Perry needs to make more 'Madea' movies" or "I can't believe how 'fat' Kelly Clarkson is", I think three weeks is a sufficient punishment. In the spirit of stark contrast, let us not forget that NFL receiver Donte Stallworth just recently completed a 24 day prison sentence for DUI AND MANSLAUGHTER!!! After three weeks, I don't think this man (as disruptive as he may have been) needs to apologize to anyone.
So I say to you, Will County Judge Daniel Rozak...
You're better than that.
Nate
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090812/ap_on_fe_st/us_odd_jailed_for_yawning
I get that we need order and structure in our court system, I really do. But, don't they have people they can call in an effin courthouse to remove someone who is being disruptive, and oh by the way not on trial for anything? Is that not possible? Even Judge Judy has a bailiff! There's a guy named Judge "Extreme" Akim on syndicated television that has an enforcer named Big Sugar Ray Phillips to keep order in his court. What the hell is this judge's deal?
Notice the statement from the prosecutor didn't mention anything like "After repeated warnings..."? Did the guy get told to sit down and shut up a few times, or was it more like, "Hey, you! The one that was boisterous just now, for the first time today. I have a zero tolerance policy for ballyhoo in my court! You're going to county, end of discussion."? Of course, we don't know any of these details, because it's a bare bones AP story, which leaves the door open for people like me to make their own inferences about it.
The man may get out on Thursday if "he apologizes and the judge accepts." Serious? He has to apologize to a judge that made him spend three weeks in jail? Like I said, I have respect for the law and the order of the courtroom. However, unless you threatened to kill somebody or exclaimed something really inflammatory, like "I think Tyler Perry needs to make more 'Madea' movies" or "I can't believe how 'fat' Kelly Clarkson is", I think three weeks is a sufficient punishment. In the spirit of stark contrast, let us not forget that NFL receiver Donte Stallworth just recently completed a 24 day prison sentence for DUI AND MANSLAUGHTER!!! After three weeks, I don't think this man (as disruptive as he may have been) needs to apologize to anyone.
So I say to you, Will County Judge Daniel Rozak...
You're better than that.
Nate
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
You're Better Than That, Vol 1
It's amazing how some people stop maturing somewhere around age thirteen. I love to listen to sports talk. Always have, always will. I once stayed on hold on Sporting News Radio for 30 minutes just so I could listen to a show one night (after the only talk radio station in Marquette changed formats and decided they'd rather carry some whack job that talked to callers about UFOs and government conspiracies than sports. That stuff is entertaining when it's the X-Files. When it's Hank calling in from Missoula, Montana? Not so much.) I didn't have a question, I just had unlimited weekend minutes and wanted to listen to the show while I was on hold. I love sports talk.
Today is a golden era in the format. You can get live internet radio feeds from across the country and of course, a podcast for whatever you're into. Unfortunately, this brings out a lot of morons as well. A couple of weeks back, I wanted to keep up on what the Red Sox might be doing nearing the trading deadline. I downloaded a couple of podcasts and on one of them, they were reading emails from listeners about what moves the BoSox should make. Oh, good God.
One of the emails suggested that they bring in movie starlet Megan Fox. Her contribution to the team would be to "motivate" by providing the players with some good ol fashion fellation before the games. Of course, Sully McDipshit's email was not quite as elegant as what I just wrote.
Now, not only is this offensive to Ms. Fox (like she could give a shit), it is 100x more offensive to me as a listener. Is it too much to assume that the adult (key word) hosts of a podcast would try to present themselves with a little more maturity? I guess. Maybe I live in a bubble that is "too PC" and I overreact sometimes to things that are blatantly abhorrent, juvenile and unfunny.
But, come on. Podcast hosts, sports fans and just men in general.
You're better than that.
Nate
Today is a golden era in the format. You can get live internet radio feeds from across the country and of course, a podcast for whatever you're into. Unfortunately, this brings out a lot of morons as well. A couple of weeks back, I wanted to keep up on what the Red Sox might be doing nearing the trading deadline. I downloaded a couple of podcasts and on one of them, they were reading emails from listeners about what moves the BoSox should make. Oh, good God.
One of the emails suggested that they bring in movie starlet Megan Fox. Her contribution to the team would be to "motivate" by providing the players with some good ol fashion fellation before the games. Of course, Sully McDipshit's email was not quite as elegant as what I just wrote.
Now, not only is this offensive to Ms. Fox (like she could give a shit), it is 100x more offensive to me as a listener. Is it too much to assume that the adult (key word) hosts of a podcast would try to present themselves with a little more maturity? I guess. Maybe I live in a bubble that is "too PC" and I overreact sometimes to things that are blatantly abhorrent, juvenile and unfunny.
But, come on. Podcast hosts, sports fans and just men in general.
You're better than that.
Nate
Sunday, August 02, 2009
Randomness, Vol 9
Michelle Kwan will not compete in the next Olympics because she is "like 100 years old in female Olympian years." Kwan received a medical exemption after not qualifying for the last Olympics and has not competed internationally since then, so the fact that she is not giving it a go in 2010 comes as quite a shock to me. "...The lack of Olympic golds will be a bittersweet footnote in the career of Michelle Kwan." Will it really? Ask any sports fan you know: "Remember Olympic gold medalist Michelle Kwan?" and I guarantee you that less than 1 person out of 100 will answer, "Wait, she never won an Olympic gold medal! Stupid poser."
Because this is apparently a figure skating heavy post, someone who stole not only the show, but the heart of yours truly at the 2006 Winter Games in Torino was one half of the skating duo Belbin/Agosto, the lovely Tanith Belbin. I feel it was probably the luscious blond hair and infectious smile that sucked me in. For some reason however, I think I remember a slightly curvier version of her. Here she is in a recent photo shoot, doing her best impression of a fence post... or paddle from the game "Pong".
Really, you're surprised that a program that basically offered people $4500 off the price of a new car was popular? Really? The redonkadonk thing about this was that I saw a news story late last week where they very matter-of-factly claimed that the cash for clunkers program was woefully underfunded. So, the Fox 11 News and I knew this thing was doomed late last week and Congress didn't?
Could I interest you in a story about a guy that let 2,000 malaria infected mosquitoes bite him? Apparently, these scientists have decided that the best way to develop a vaccine for malaria is to have a bunch of mosquitoes bite test subject, with some of them acquiring "full blown grade 3" malaria. These guys sound less like researchers and more like Bond Villains.
The city of Los Angeles recently bounced $6M worth of checks. You hear that Econo Foods in Marquette, MI back in 2001? The second largest city in the U.S. bounces checks, why you gotta make a big to do about me accidentally NSF'ing a $27.52 check for Top Ramen, Stove Top Stuffing and Arm & Hammer PeroxiCare Toothpaste? (OK, you got me. It was probably for Busch Light and Captain Morgan.)
OK, I was wrong about Twitter... kinda. You probably see the many different news outlets that you can now follow on Twitter as well as almost every celebrity and half-a-celebrity on the planet. It may not necessarily be a great social networking site, rather a change in the way we digest information, I don't know. As an example, I learned about the death of Michael Jackson from Matthew Berry, who is a fantasy baseball analyst for ESPN via Twitter. "Wow. Crazy sad day. RIP Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcet, Blake Griffin." - TheRealTMR It was the first major story that I didn't learn about via TV, radio, Internet or word of mouth. I got a tweet on my cell phone. Do I think it can still be valuable for comedy? Of course. Some examples:
"Thought to fix the economy: Stop making pennies. They have to cost more than one cent each to make, don't they?" - clubtrillion
"Me during Bachelor: "Can't believe she went with EdCan'tGetABoner." SGal: "Oh, I think he got one." - sportsguy33
"For one brief moment, I whimsied LiveTweeting heavy petting w/wife. I stared into the abyss and it said "No, Kev. Just... no." - ThatKevinSmith
The movie The Ugly Truth came out last weekend. The set up to the story is that Katherine Heigl is a stuffy producer of a talk show who is looking for Mr Right. Her life is suddenly intruded on by a swaggering, sexist on-air talent in the perfectly sculpted form of Gerard Butler. These two really do not like each other. But for some reason, he is willing to help her try to make a lasting connection with the man of her dreams. You know, call me crazy, but it seems if he could change some of his ways and she could be a little less uptight, that these two could actually work as a couple. Maybe they would find out that they aren't so different after all. The idea is far fetched, to be sure. I guess you could just call me a sucker for the improbable scenario of opposites attracting in a romantic comedy.
"Your best friend Harry has a brother Larry/
In five days from now he's gonna marry/
He's hopin you can make it there if you can/
'Cause in the ceremony you'll be the best man"
- Young MC, "Bust a Move"
Couple of things:
a) I've only passively watched these wedding shows on TLC channel, but I'm pretty sure "best man" combined with "hope you can make it" would not fly with even the most passive of Bridezillas.
b) You should probably give the best man more than FIVE DAYS NOTICE that you're getting married. What if he had a non-refundable ticket for a Caribbean vacation? What do you say then? "Well, I was hoping you could make it there, but no big whoop?" Absurd.
c) Why is "best friend Harry" even mentioned? It just seems it would be easier to say "your friend Larry." I suspect Harry is not even a legitimate best friend and his name is merely mentioned to fit the rhyme scheme. Harry may not even really exist. I have my doubts.
The bottom line is, "Young MC is insulting your intelligence."
During a show about energy conservation this week, I saw a scientist explaining that the one major drawback of solar power is that it is very expensive. Yeah, and so were cell phones at one point, but now you can buy them at the freakin' gas station! Get on it, people!!!!
Holy crap, does District 9 look effin amazing.
People should not be able to use the word "moot" unless they can prove their ability to use it properly. Here's some help:
moot: of little or no practical value or meaning; purely academic
mute: something you do to the TV when the Heidi Montag music video comes on
The Sunday Detroit Free Press. $2.50 for six sections about the most depressing place in the United States. "Hey, I dropped half a Lincoln this morning to find out that that three quarters of the Detroit city council owes back property taxes. Awesome way to start my Sunday!"
I'm finished,
Nate
Because this is apparently a figure skating heavy post, someone who stole not only the show, but the heart of yours truly at the 2006 Winter Games in Torino was one half of the skating duo Belbin/Agosto, the lovely Tanith Belbin. I feel it was probably the luscious blond hair and infectious smile that sucked me in. For some reason however, I think I remember a slightly curvier version of her. Here she is in a recent photo shoot, doing her best impression of a fence post... or paddle from the game "Pong".
Really, you're surprised that a program that basically offered people $4500 off the price of a new car was popular? Really? The redonkadonk thing about this was that I saw a news story late last week where they very matter-of-factly claimed that the cash for clunkers program was woefully underfunded. So, the Fox 11 News and I knew this thing was doomed late last week and Congress didn't?
Could I interest you in a story about a guy that let 2,000 malaria infected mosquitoes bite him? Apparently, these scientists have decided that the best way to develop a vaccine for malaria is to have a bunch of mosquitoes bite test subject, with some of them acquiring "full blown grade 3" malaria. These guys sound less like researchers and more like Bond Villains.
The city of Los Angeles recently bounced $6M worth of checks. You hear that Econo Foods in Marquette, MI back in 2001? The second largest city in the U.S. bounces checks, why you gotta make a big to do about me accidentally NSF'ing a $27.52 check for Top Ramen, Stove Top Stuffing and Arm & Hammer PeroxiCare Toothpaste? (OK, you got me. It was probably for Busch Light and Captain Morgan.)
OK, I was wrong about Twitter... kinda. You probably see the many different news outlets that you can now follow on Twitter as well as almost every celebrity and half-a-celebrity on the planet. It may not necessarily be a great social networking site, rather a change in the way we digest information, I don't know. As an example, I learned about the death of Michael Jackson from Matthew Berry, who is a fantasy baseball analyst for ESPN via Twitter. "Wow. Crazy sad day. RIP Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcet, Blake Griffin." - TheRealTMR It was the first major story that I didn't learn about via TV, radio, Internet or word of mouth. I got a tweet on my cell phone. Do I think it can still be valuable for comedy? Of course. Some examples:
"Thought to fix the economy: Stop making pennies. They have to cost more than one cent each to make, don't they?" - clubtrillion
"Me during Bachelor: "Can't believe she went with EdCan'tGetABoner." SGal: "Oh, I think he got one." - sportsguy33
"For one brief moment, I whimsied LiveTweeting heavy petting w/wife. I stared into the abyss and it said "No, Kev. Just... no." - ThatKevinSmith
The movie The Ugly Truth came out last weekend. The set up to the story is that Katherine Heigl is a stuffy producer of a talk show who is looking for Mr Right. Her life is suddenly intruded on by a swaggering, sexist on-air talent in the perfectly sculpted form of Gerard Butler. These two really do not like each other. But for some reason, he is willing to help her try to make a lasting connection with the man of her dreams. You know, call me crazy, but it seems if he could change some of his ways and she could be a little less uptight, that these two could actually work as a couple. Maybe they would find out that they aren't so different after all. The idea is far fetched, to be sure. I guess you could just call me a sucker for the improbable scenario of opposites attracting in a romantic comedy.
"Your best friend Harry has a brother Larry/
In five days from now he's gonna marry/
He's hopin you can make it there if you can/
'Cause in the ceremony you'll be the best man"
- Young MC, "Bust a Move"
Couple of things:
a) I've only passively watched these wedding shows on TLC channel, but I'm pretty sure "best man" combined with "hope you can make it" would not fly with even the most passive of Bridezillas.
b) You should probably give the best man more than FIVE DAYS NOTICE that you're getting married. What if he had a non-refundable ticket for a Caribbean vacation? What do you say then? "Well, I was hoping you could make it there, but no big whoop?" Absurd.
c) Why is "best friend Harry" even mentioned? It just seems it would be easier to say "your friend Larry." I suspect Harry is not even a legitimate best friend and his name is merely mentioned to fit the rhyme scheme. Harry may not even really exist. I have my doubts.
The bottom line is, "Young MC is insulting your intelligence."
During a show about energy conservation this week, I saw a scientist explaining that the one major drawback of solar power is that it is very expensive. Yeah, and so were cell phones at one point, but now you can buy them at the freakin' gas station! Get on it, people!!!!
Holy crap, does District 9 look effin amazing.
People should not be able to use the word "moot" unless they can prove their ability to use it properly. Here's some help:
moot: of little or no practical value or meaning; purely academic
mute: something you do to the TV when the Heidi Montag music video comes on
The Sunday Detroit Free Press. $2.50 for six sections about the most depressing place in the United States. "Hey, I dropped half a Lincoln this morning to find out that that three quarters of the Detroit city council owes back property taxes. Awesome way to start my Sunday!"
I'm finished,
Nate
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