The Real Season

So, I've neglected talking about this since the beginning of the season, but it is now time. For the first year since the late 90's, I am enjoying fantasy football. The Appleton Smoke is currently 6-3 and will improve to 7-3, unless Ryan Longwell of the Packers scores 16 points tonight against the Vikings. There is even an outside possibility that I could move back into a first place tie with my Uncle Matt if he loses his game. Not bad for a couple of guys that were matching each other beer for beer during the draft up at his house. Because I have beaten Matt already this year and I lead the league with 607 points that would give me the tiebreakers. There are currently an astonishing 5 out of 10 teams in my league that are 5-5, so this is no time for my team to get lazy. Just a few more points for me to commit to record for future reference:

• You want to have Marc Bulger on your fantasy team. You just know he's throwing for two touches every game. Of course, now he might be hurt again. Boo, to that.


• The Patriots I had on my team have been pretty mediocre. Corey Dillon is barely playing and Deion Branch catches a touchdown like every three weeks.


• My worst draft pick this year: Drew Bennett, WR, TEN - 32 receptions, 400 some yards and one touchdown. The runner up: Cedric Benson, RB, CHI - Didn't do much with the approximately 10 times he touched the rock this year.


• I had the unexpected good draft strategy to take Marc Bulger and Jake Plummer with back to back picks even though they had the same bye week. Luckily for me, Daunte Culpepper shredded his knee the week before Marc and Jake's bye and I was able to pick up and start Brad Johnson.


• Drafting a team full of Packers or Lions has never ever worked in a fantasy league. That being said, there is always one guy in our league that tries it every year. Thanks for the entry fee, Uncle Keary.

I'm finished,
Nate

Saying Goodbye To A Friend.

It is getting cold out there! At post time it is about 17 degrees in Appleton and with the wind it feels like 6 degrees. I guess this is better than last year, when it was still raining in December.

I've got a mild cold. It seems to be going away, but it could just be all the decongestants that I'm hopped up on. I spent a majority of last night on the couch doing absolutely nothing but changing the channel every now and then. Oh, and then we watched "Bewitched," the movie with Nicole Kidman and Will Ferrell. Needless to say, that steaming pile did nothing for my well being. Just a terrible movie. It makes me that much happier that I rented "Shawshank" earlier in the week, as they kind of balanced each other out.

Also in my channel surfing last night, I came across a TV event that marked the end of an era. For the final time, Ashton Kutcher played the role of Michael Kelso on "That 70's Show." We are left with only memories of the harebrained shenanigans of the lanky, van-driving playboy of Point Place, WI. Who could forget the way that he teamed up with Fez and Hyde for episode after episode of hilarious tomfoolery. The on-again-off-again romance that he shared with Jackie over the years could be seen in any number of real life relationships that any of us see on a daily basis. Michael Kelso was truly an everyman (provided that everyman likes to plan elaborate and usually unsuccessful pranks on his friends for the simple satisfaction of being able to belt out that trademark exclamation of "Burn!") We watched for years as Kelso morphed from a fancy free teenager into a man who found his calling by attending the police academy (and subsequently burning it to the ground.) Finally, having accomplished everything else a young man can, he became a father in the most recent episodes. Kelso even found the fortitude in his last episode to share the screen with Bruce Willis, from whom he had taken a wife and kids in real life. Today, I salute you, Michael Kelso. You're life in fictional 1970's Wisconsin will not be forgotten, but live on in the hearts of us all. Burn! Burn, indeed!

I'm finished,
Nate

Hockey Weekend and My "Near Miss."

Not a whole lot of good news from the weekend. Made the pilgrimage to Northern this weekend for Saturday's hockey game. Northern lost a tough one, 4-3 in overtime against Corey's boys, the maize and blue of the University of Michigan. After starting well this season, this was Northern's fourth straight loss, a stretch where they've been outscored 17-8, and dropped the 'Cats to .500 (5-5, 2-4 CCHA.) The outlook doesn't get any brighter as NMU only plays two more games at home before the end of the year.

The socializing aspect of the trip was much better. We had a tailgate gathering before the game with Mojo and Co. who now claim to be retired Puckheads. I was joined in my journey by Kurt and we made our way out after the game, first making the obligatory stop at Overtime for a couple of Labatt's. We proceeded to stop in to see our friends Poe and Lisa, and subsequently take Poe out (at the request of Lisa.) The rest of the night was spent between Up Front and Co. and The Doghouse, doing some relaxing socializing at both.

Finally, we took in the local phenomenon of the "closing time near-riot outside The Matrixx." This is something that Marquette Police should probably consider doing something about before a fight spills out onto Washington St. and gets somebody run over. The mixture of people waiting to be picked up, people buying hot dogs, people walking home, people looking to fight and people willing to fight them is always a excting situation to be in. After we had our fill of the commotion (and our fill of hot dogs), our crew regrouped at Poe's house along with Gabe and his roommate Emily for some late night discussions of life and a few more adult beverages.

Earlier today, I was nearly in an accident with a woman driving what looked to be a Mercedes-Benz G500 SUV. Now, when I say nearly, I mean I started to pull out in a parking lot, saw her coming and stopped pulling out so that she could still drive by without swerving or even slowing down for that matter. The response of the driver was to honk her horn and glare at me as if I had just squatted a duece in the middle of a busy restaurant. Now, I'm not one to rag on the rich simply for being rich (I am a Republican after all), but this look could only be explained as a "how dare you come within fifteen feet of hitting my $90,000 vehicle with your decrepit car that probably doesn't even have a heated steering wheel" look. I learned a few things from this experience:

1. The Mercedes-Benz website is slow (you don't think I knew it was a G500 off the top of my head, do you?)


2. That woman in the SUV is a giant tool.


3. The G500 is the ugliest SUV I've ever seen.

Finally, we found out today that Alex Rodriguez, the famous baseball mercenary who now rents his services to the New York Yankees, was named American League MVP. It's the second time he's won the award in the last three seasons and he edged out Boston super slugger David "Papi" Ortiz. Congrats to Mr. Rodriguez as he makes some room on the mantle at home to display that trophy while Papi only has his WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONS ring to provide him solace. Screw you, A-Rod.

Good luck to the Ashwaubenon Jaguars as they take on the Waunakee Warriors this weekend for the WIAA Division 2 football championship.

RANDOM MOVIE QUOTE!

Anthony: "Look around! You couldn't find a whiter, safer or better lit part of this city. But this white woman sees two black guys, who look like UCLA students, strolling down the sidewalk and her reaction is blind fear. I mean, look at us! Are we dressed like gangbangers? Do we look threatening? No. Fact, if anybody should be scared, it's us: the only two black faces surrounded by a sea of over-caffeinated white people, patrolled by the triggerhappy LAPD. So, why aren't we scared?"

Peter: "Because we have guns?"

Anthony: "You could be right."

-Crash (2004)

I'm finished,
Nate

Don't Treat Me Like An Idiot

Couple things to start out with. First, "Scrubs: Season 2" comes out on DVD next week. You should watch this show if you don't already. This is the last time I am going to say this...again. Just rent it on Netflix or if you are at Blockbuster one night and it's down to "Scrubs" or "Remington Steele: Season Two," just make the right call. Secondly, I wrote this in August:

The Northern game is sure to be a blowout and this season should lead to the firing of coach Doug Sams (which should have happened last year)...

I was right, after going 13-29 in 4 seasons, he got fired. Finally, the guy who killed six hunters, wounded two others, using fourteen bullets and claiming self-defense was sentenced to six consecutive life terms this week. No parole. Good call on that, I think. Just like that however, there is another bizarre killing in Wisconsin. Steven Avery was released from prison in September of 2003 after serving 18 years for a rape which he did not commit. Today, police found burned human remains at his family's auto salvage yard. The remains presumably belong to a local woman who has been missing since last week. Authorities say that they found the keys to the woman's SUV (which was found at the salvage yard) in Avery's trailer. It's like a mediocre storyline from "Law & Order" got spit up in here. Pretty sad.

Now, without further ado, celebrity bashing!

It's time for the Hollywood types to 'fess up. Well, not really 'fess up as much as quit treating us like idiots. In a recent interview with Larry King, ex-"Friends" star (turned most famous divorcee in the world) Jennifer Aniston refused to discuss anything about her alleged relationship with Vince Vaughn. That relationship is "alleged" like the Packers "allegedly" suck this year. Can these people give us some credit? Say what you want about tabloid magazines and TV shows, but the two things they excel at are a) being relentless and b) usually being right. I've seen pictures of her and Vince Vaughn on the beach kissing each other, I've seen them out shopping arm in arm looking like a couple, I've seen their sex tape.

OK, so there is no sex tape, but the others are things that I've seen with my own eyes in the supermarket checkout. Is Jennifer Aniston calling me a liar? Is she insulting my intelligence? I don't see what the big production is. Why is everything about celebrity couples' lives supposed to be a big hush-hush secret? Certainly she can't be concerned about being seen as a floozy who must have cared so little about her marriage to Brad Pitt (heretofore know as "B. Pitty") that she was gleefully attracted to the arms of a new man. If we remember correctly (and I know this is going back a while), she was on the wronged end of one of the biggest celeb breakups of our time. B. Pitty was already raising all of Angelina Jolie's Asian children by the time the divorce was final. You get a pass on this one, Ms. Aniston.

Now, I am certainly not asking that Jennifer Aniston talk about everything her and Vince Vaughn do. I personally don't care about what restaurant they ate at last night, how they feel about global warming and whether or not they have Mr. and Mrs. Smith on pre-order at Amazon. All I ask is that she not treat me and the public like idiots and refuse to even qualify the so called rumors. This is how an interview would make me happy:

Interviewer: "So, inquiring minds want to know, are you a couple."
Aniston: "I guess you could say that."
I: "Are there any long term plans?"
A: "I don't feel comfortable discussing that."

Done. That is all I'm asking for. The thing that bothers me the most is that I don't actually care about the relationship. Just as I didn't care about the Jen and Brad thing. A lot like I don't care about Bradgelina. Most importantly though, a lot like I don't care about the men that Paris Hilton sexes, with the exception that I hope they someday have a reunion that fills the Rose Bowl to near capacity. I simply don't want to be treated like an idiot.

I shouldn't just rag on Jennifer Aniston. How many times have you heard somebody answer a question (which we already know the answer to) with a firm "No comment." I wish more people would put this into practice in their everyday lives. Imangine the versatility of the up-front, straight denial!

Wife: "My private investigator gave me these pictures of you having sex with your secretary! How could you do this?"
Husband: "Oh, my! I'm not going to comment on that. You know better than to ask me that."
Wife: "Why would you sleep with her?! After 10 years of marriage?!"
Husband: "Again, I'm not going to comment. Next question."
Wife: "Do you not even care about me?"
Husband: "You are just relentless, aren't you. I've said all I'm going to say."
Wife: (sobbing, lamenting the fact that her husband is a tool.)

The possibilities are endless.

I know there is always the argument out there that normal people wouldn't like to have their personal lives relentlessly scrutinized on every level. That's true. However, if someone had picture of me and Vince Vaughn kissing and asked me about it you know exactly how I would respond:

"And then Vince never called me again, the jerk. Oh, and he chews Doublemint."

That last sentence sounded a lot funnier in my head.

I'm finished,
Nate