Goodbye, Mr. Duck.

Sometimes when you think you may have made a little bit of a mistake in your life (i.e. career choice) and you may have to do things you don't want to (i.e. cold call people, drum up leads for managers to get the comissions on), a ray of sunshine appears. After nearly a week actually with the company, I have fled AFLAC insurance for greener pastures. The duck is gonna be pissed. And get this, I go to Chicago one week from Sunday for a training seminar...at a freakin' five star hotel...for 12 days...all expenses paid...meals paid for...IT HAS A FREAKIN' POOL! So that was my day. I am Nate's inner sunshine.

Hoestly, I can't wait to get back to the UP this weekend. There's something about not seeing people with green and gold cars with big Packer logos on the side of them that makes me happy. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate the Packers or their fans (at least now I don't, since I fear the Brown Co. mafia), it's just a little overwhelming...and it's still June. As my new boss said today, we don't try to sell insurance on Sundays, holidays, or when the Packers play Monday night.

Well, I'm going to Legends to squeeze in a couple of games worth o' trivia on NTN like they have at Shamrock. Since I've been down here, I have made 3 seperate parties get up and leave (as in hand in their game piece in disgust) after I start whoopin they asses. Not kidding. This one guy at Legends on Saturday was bragging about how easily he won the game before I walked in. Me, being the non-competitive type, I merely said to myself, "Oh, it's on like Donky Kong, bee-hatch!" Half hour later, he's like "Let's get out of here, this sucks!" That's what I thought! "Oh, excuse me. Sir? I believe you dropped your lipstick over there, SALLY!" Oh mi, oh my, that got the juices flowin! Bring it on, you little amateur trivia mark ass punks! Daddy's got a whole giant Santa sack of "I just whooped your ass" and I think it's about Chanukah time! We bout to put it down Sham to the MF'n Rizzock style!!!!

That kinda got away from me there at the end.

I'm finished.
Nate

Mall "counter" culture. Just cellin the dream.

If you ever think your life is bad, consider this. There are people, whose sole job it is to harrass the mall walking populus, trying to sell mobile phones to people, who 90% of the time, already have one. You know the guys sitting behind the island style counters. "Hey, pal! How are you doing today? Let me ask you a couple of questions? OK, have a good day then. Hey, how's it going? No? OK. Ladies, how are we today..." It's like being a telemarketer, except that you have to actually look at people when they instantly reject you. Even the immigrants that sell fake jewelry will rarely bother you if you don't look them in the eye. That has to be a sickening feeling. Not as sickening, however, as my reaction to these guys. Yeah, I'll try to walk as far from there little cosmetics counter thingies to hopefully avoid this evil confrontation. Don't tell me you haven't done it! (What! You think you're better than me? Well, kiss my grits!) And who buys a cell phone at the mall anyway? "Hey, I'm gonna run over to Aeropostale to see if those shorts are still on sale. Ooohhh, AT&T Wireless! Heck yeah I want free nights and weekends!" How would that job even be advertised in the paper?

Growing telecommunications company seeks motivated individual to work in focused location cell phone sales. Must have high school degree and be able to say "Hey!" and "What's up, man?" Please go to Fox Valley Mall to apply (don't worry, we'll find you.)

So, as I enter my fourth week of unemployment, I can take some quasi-comfort in the fact that I don't have to do that job. And in case anyone was worried, yes, I am spending far too much time at the malls down here, but I am seeking help. Big morning in Appleton tomorrow, need to break out and iron my best (and only) white dress shirt, so I gotta go. Oh, and I'm sure Jamie is scrambling right now to put together a post about cell phone salespeople. Thought stealer! Kidding.

I'm finished.
Nate

Live! In Marquette! Nate Doggy Dogg!

Big announcement for all of you Marquette types that have been saying, "You know? There's just something missing since Nate left Marquette." Well, I'll be making my triumphant return this weekend, probably Saturday for the fireworks extravaganza. I hope to see most of my Marquette people. You know who you are.

This was made possible by the EIGHT DAYS I have before my next day of work. Yeah. One week plus a day. I'm beginning to reconsider my place in the AFLAC universe. Then in three consecutive days, I have a meeting in Green Bay, a computer course in Madison, and a regional meeting in Appleton. Yeah, the great American dream.

So, I have a quick question. Five o'clock is the busiest time of day for a grocery store. Most people are just getting off of work. Dinners need to be made for the ungrateful kids. Beers need to be purchased to drown away the hatred for the asshole boss. Everyone needs something around this time, and the local grocery store is the perfect place to get it. So why are there TWO god damned checkouts open!!! I'm not one to bitch too much about lines, but when you have day after day of empirical evidence to build on, would it kill you food stores to say, "Hark! Perhaps we need a couple of more associates on the floor." Grrrr.

That's about it for tonight. I have to go to Appleton in the morning...and that's about it. Oh, and thank you Jamie and Ash for youur kind words of encouragement for my budding writing career. I guess you should never underestimate the writing talents of a guy who got a B- in Rhet & Comp. Thanks again.

Random Movie Quote!

{making a porno during the senior prom}
Pornstar #1: Prom can be a time when you might be tempted to have sex. I lost my virginity on prom night. How about you?
Pornstar #2: I was ten.
Pornstar #1: Oh.

-The Girl Next Door (2004)

I'm finished.
Nate

Do you have proof of residency?

Well, my main accomplishment today was converting oxygen into carbon dioxide... and poorly I might add, as the Nate Virus reaches its "Seems Like You're Always Out Of Breath" stage. There seems to be a lot of this going around, as a couple of other people I know have similar afflictions. But back to me being lazy, spent last night with Brooke, her friend, her mom, and her mom's friend in a motel room in Appleton. (Um, hello! I slept on the floor! I'm no hussie!) We rented "The Girl Next Door" on Spectravison (or whatever it's called) and that put three of the four Snore-alufoguses to sleep. Jamie and I were the only two that stayed awake to see a pretty darned good motion picture about high school, romance, redemption and PORN! It comes highly recommended.

So, I woke up this morning with a killer headache, my Virus wasn't cured (as Lori and I postulated that it would be if I had a couple of drinks last night) and it was almost 11:00. Half the day, wasted. So I went back to Green Bay, showered, and then... crawled into bed! My cousin started playing the piano at about 2:30pm and my aunt told him, "I think Nathan's trying to sleep!" At 2:30pm! I would've been like, "Louder! Louder, I say! Does anybody have a tuba? Or some cymbals? Anything to get his lazy ass out of bed!" Alas, I finally got up to watch part of Arena Bowl XVIII. That's right, Arena Bowl XVIII. How much longer until the NFL opener? At least it started raining, so I could say, "Darn it! I can't take that jog now." As if the thought had ever crossed my mind.

I will leave you with this. In order to get a Wisconsin driver's license, you have to prove residency in the state. According to the website, one of the ways to prove this, no joke, is with "a valid Wisconsin driver's license." Imagine drawing that in a flowchart: "So you need a license and need to prove reisdency, if you do that with a license, you still need to get one, in order to get a license you need to prove residency and you can do that by..." (Oh my god. My head exploded.)

I'm finished.
Nate

Sign here. Here. Here. Initial here.

Can you buy anything in these days without being asked for your discount card? Get this, I made purchases at 4 stores today, Waldenbooks, GameStop, Barnes & Noble, and Copp's Foods. Every time I checked out, "Do you have your Frequent Bookworm/ Game Nerd/ Fresh Produce Plus Card?" No, I just want to give you the money! And then leave! The pimply faced kid at GameStop actually said this, "By purchasing our 'Used Game Nerd Card' (or whatever it's called) for $10 you will save $2 off this used $10 DVD so you'll only actually pay $8!" No! I will pay $18! And they throw in 6 free issues of their exclusive gamer magazine, as if I don't already have enough to impress the ladies with. The only place I finally caved was at my favorite store, Lids ($5 to save 20% on all reularly priced hats.) Anyone who knows me and hats will know that's like giving a crackhead a Frequent Rock Purchase Discount Card.

Had my first day of "work" today, i.e. I signed a couple of contracts, blah, blah. Of course, I didn't read these contracts, and AFLAC may now own the rights to my first born child, but if it'll get me workin' again... The real heavy hitting starts on Monday apparently. Hope I feel better. I'm coming down with a strain of the Nate Virus, the one that doesn't make me deathly sick, but incapacitates me enough so I can't do shit. Gets me all the time. I'm treating it with OJ and left over antibiotics from the last time the Nate Virus was so bad I had to see a doctor. If that doesn't work, I'm going straight to dippin' snuff, like my man Kurtoris says. "Cures anything.", he says. The third contingency plan is Vodka. Let's hope it won't get to that.

I'm finished.
Nate

Pavel Podkolzine, future of the NBA.

Spent a majority of the evening watching the NBA draft. Eight high school seniors went in the first round, destined to become instant millionares with guaranteed 3 year contracts. By contrast, I've been working since I was 16 and have probably earned somewhere in the ballpark of one of these guy's eventual annual child support payments. Also, a bunch of goofy foriegn players with ridiculous names were picked. It is straight up hilarious to watch these guys get interviewed and say things like, "I am just..aahh.. hoppy that Jazz choices me...I think Utah City is...ahh... good city... ahh. Very hoppy."

Meanwhile, in Oshkosh, Brooke is currently watching Brooks and Dunn. I am Nate's extreme jelousy. She was nice enough to call me during "Can't Take the Honky Tonk Out of the Girl." Can you hear me now? Good. Oh, and I find out Kid Rock is playing at Milwaukee SummerFest tomorrow and tickets are like $30. Something I wish I knew months ago! Oh well.

My cousin Dillon just said something about the "Mr. DePere Pageant." I will leave you with that thought.

I'm finished.
Nate

The wings of "The Owl."

So after a long day of doing nothing in particular, my uncle Matt proposes a road trip across town to Woodman's Liquor (or as I will now refer to it, "The coolest effing place on Earth.) This of course is no easy task, as the 172 was down to one lane, and the detour we decided to take via Riverside to Mason St was also blocked off due to construction. Finally we get there, through a torrential rain storm, I might add, with an appalling (but Wisconsin law mandated) four minutes of shopping time. This place is like Willy Wonka's chocolate factory for soakers like myself. The selection is unparralled, compared to any other adult beverage selling establishment I've ever been in. I settled for a $12.99 case of Busch Light for now, but it shant be my only trip ever, this thing I know is true.

So, on the way home, Matt suggests that we stop for a quick drink at "The Owl." I'm thinking, "sweet!", a local joint, I imagine with a sports theme, or something similar. I'd love to get a look at some of the local watering holes down here. Sooo.... "The Owl" is actually "Hooters", an establishment that I've avoided my entire life for a couple of reasons, including a) my resentment of overly expensive theme joints, and b) the complete lack of "stare control" I usually experience around women with large breasts. So, sucking up my reservations, I forced myself to go in and have a pitcher. All I can say, is that Hooters had something that no other place I had ever been could provide for me...chicken wings that I actually liked. They're called something like cajun wings and they are the Shiz to the MF'n Nit. Unfortunatly, my newfound love for these wings will force me to drag myself, and likely others, into that Hooters restaurant time and time again. Poor me. But, I am willing to make that sacrifice for good wings. I've always said that.

I'm finished.
Nate

At The Buzzer.

It was officially "Really Freakin Bad Movie Night" last night on the pay channels (of which my parents get all of them, even though they watch HGTV, the Tigers, and one of the 5-10 Law & Orders that are on.) At one time Gigli, some crap VanDamme movie, and Steel (starring Shaquille O'Neal in one of his poorer roles. Think about that for a sec.) were all on. So Brooke's over, and she wants to watch the last 45 minutes of Gigli, to see if it's as bad as advertised. Holy crap. The dialogue was laughable at best. Jennifer Lopez, who should have killed whoever got her signed on to this steaming pile, at one point refers to oral sex as "turkey time" and "heterolingis" (coming from a man.) You've gotta be shitting me! I shouldn't have suprised me that Al Pacino, who's been mailing it in since approximately "Carlito's Way" or "Scent of a Woman", was tacked in at the end of this junk heap too, but it did disturb me. This guy was Tony Montana! Grrr.

Speaking of J-Lo (because nobody does these days), apparently she is not marrying Ben Affleck, and get this, is getting married to/already married to Marc Anthony and may be pregnant with his child. If only there were magazines/ internet sites/ cable channels that would keep you up to date on this stuff! Another broad that can't keep away from that aisle is apparently Britney Spears, she's supposedly engaged to some guy that is expecting his second kid with an actress from the show Moesha. What!?!? Somewhere, Justin Timberlake has gotta be sitting around going "See, told you she was f*cked in the head." Is Pamela Anderson giving marriage advice these days? But the most shocking marriage announcement of the week was that of Alanis Morrisette, who is engaged to actor Ryan Reynolds (of my favorite college flick "Van Wilder" fame.) I thought for sure I would see someday the headline "Morrisette Petitions Canadian Gov't To Allow Her To Marry The Moon". Oh well, there's always Bjork.

Well, this got a little long. I am still reeling from an agonizing driveway basketball defeat at the hands of the T-Puppy, on a Kobe-esque 3 pointer to give her the 22-20 come from behind victory. Ah well. Back to the Nine Two Zero tomorrow. Have a good night all.

I'm finished.
Nate

How Bad Are You?

So, you know those stickers you can put on the back window of your vehicle..."Bad Ass Girls Drive Bad Ass Toys?" Shouldn't there be a federal law or at least one in the works to prevent people from putting those stickers on the back of a 1991 Chevrolet Lumina MINIVAN!?!? Saw it. Not even kidding. Look lady, I think Calvin is actually pissing on your crappy van and not the Ford logo.

Speaking of vehicles, I just ended a four year relationship with my 1996 Dodge Dakota. I promised my sister T-Puppy that she would get the truck after I graduated, and because I'm a stand up guy, I'm true to my word. So for now, I'm rolling in my sister's former 1991 Gutlass Ciera. I miss a lot of things about the truck, most of which being the CD player and Infiniti speaker system. I now have a Discman with one of those tape deck adapter things. To say that's the same as a CD deck is like saying a Stouffer's Lasagna TV dinner is the same as eating at the Olive Garden.

Well, I guess it's time for me to finish packing or have a beer, or something.

Random Movie Quote!

Randal Graves: Which did you like better? "Jedi" or "The Empire Strikes Back"?
Dante Hicks: Empire.
Randal Graves: Blasphemy!
Dante Hicks: "Empire" had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All "Jedi" had was a bunch of Muppets.

from Clerks (1994)

I'm finished.
Nate

Initial Public Offering

Because of the intrigue of an online forum to say what I've gotta (and a whole lot of bandwagon jumping) I'm gonna try this thang here. So, every legend has to have a beginning, and that is this post. Enjoy.

This week I will finally be going back to work. It's been more than three weeks since I've been gainfully employed, and to tell you the truth, I found it a scoach boring from time to time. I did just recently pass the state exam to get licensed to sell insurance in the great state of Wisconsin, and will start field training with AFLAC sometime this week or next. I might not be where I had envisioned myself six years ago (when my storied college career started), but it seems like a great fit for me now. As me and my buddy Dave were discussing last week, we just want to be at a point where we don't have to take only what is offered to us.

So that's about it to start out with. Gonna spend the rest of today enjoying the great Upper Peninsula and trying to be as lazy as possible.

I'm finished.
Nate