You're Better Than That, Vol 3

I had dinner Saturday night in the atrium of famed Lambeau Field at Curley's Pub. There was a group of 10 (3 couples and 4 singles) getting ourselves some dinner before heading over to the Resch Center for some Green Bay Gamblers hockey (they won 3-0.) Our waitress Liz came over to the table to take drink orders. That's when everything went horribly, horribly wrong.

Liz asked us for our drink orders and brought them out promptly. Then dinner orders commenced. I found it odd that she didn't ask if the bill was to be split up in some way, but I thought, "Well they can do that when we are ready to pay." No biggie.

I had mac and cheese. Some of the best mac and cheese I've ever had. I'd recommend going and having it at least once in your life, but I can't. Thanks for effing that up, Liz. Read on...

First of all, she had someone else bring the food out and we spent a good 5 minutes telling him which plate went to which patron. Not that uncommon, but kind of annoying. Homegirl Angie's food wasn't even brought out, so they had to go back in the kitchen to actually complete the order. Once again, it happens.

Then it comes time to pay the check. Liz brings the bill over. (Going forward, I swear to God that this is a decent facisimile of what she said and did. You may think I'm embellishing, but I and the people with me can assure you that I am not.) She says, "YOu can figure out the bill now." and DROPS IT in the middle of the table from about 10 inches above the table. We all look at each other. Some folks have debit cards. Some have cash. None of us have $190 of disposable income available to cover the tab for everyone.

We ask Liz to split the bill.

"We can't. It's a real annoyance to us to put everything on seperate bills. So, someone will have to pay it and then you can all figure it out later."

We let Liz know that we need to have this split up on seperate bills.

"I'm not even sure we can do that on our computer system. I'll see if it's even possible."

At this point, all of us are thinking, "Are you kidding us?" I'm done calling her "Liz."

The solution that Spawn of Satan came up with was (I'm not kidding), "Can you all just pay $19 a piece." We let Sexually Frustrated Divorcee know that we all had meals of varying cost and some had more drinks than others. "Do you really need this bill split up?" I think this may have been accompanied by an eye roll, but my eyes had kind of half glazed over with rage at this point.

Trying With The Makeup But Not Working comes back and lets us know that "When I take the orders, I don't even need to remember who orders what. If you want this split up, you're going to have to go through this print out and tell me what each bill should have on it." I AM NOT EXAGURRATING HERE, I SWEAR TO GOD!! It adds, "For future reference, we don't allow people to split up bills. It's just too hard for the waitstaff."

So, we are at the table, (I am not joking) adding up our own bills. I just payed $9 for mac and cheese, and now I have to help add up my own bill. This takes approximately 15 minutes.

Should Not Be In The Service Industry In Any Capacity reiterates, "For future reference, we don't do this. You're lucky its not busier, or we wouldn't be able to do this." You don't split checks? You see a group of 10 people and assume that one person is paying? Really? And you think I'm actually ever eating here again? Are you high? She slithers over one more time to let us know that we didn't account for two sandwiches. Not surprisingly, this was The Crypt Keeper's mistake, not ours. We were then finally able to leave to go over to the game. I made damn sure that when I ordered a beer from the concessions that I was very clear that I wanted this on a seperate bill and that I wasn't paying for the beers of everyone in line and we would figure it out later amongst ourselves.

Bottom line, I have never been so insulted by someone in the service industry. This includes an episode at the Shell gas station in Manistique, MI when a cashier rang up my items while on a phone call that was obviously personal in nature and POINTED at the amount I owed without even breaking stride in the phone conversation. Should Maybe Be A Busdriver And Not A Waitress has now knocked that one from the #1 spot of sucktitude.

So, to Curly's Pub in the Lambeau Field Atrium, I would say, "You're better than that." But if this is the kind of waitstaff that you employ and tolerate, maybe you're not.

Randomness, Vol 12

We had a big scare this week when a kid reportedly took off in a hot air balloon. Initially I thought, "That's what happens when you play 'Grand Theft Balloon' for PlayStation 3 too much. You steal the first one you come across. Next thing you know, you're beating up a hooker." Thankfully, the kid never took the balloon and was safe and sound.

Jeff Dunham will be bringing his trunk filled with dummies to his new show on Comedy Central, debuting Oct. 22. Finally, someone is satiating the American public's voracious appetite for ventriloquism!

So, I'm 29 years old now, and all of a sudden, every kids movie is in digital hi-def and 3-D. Awesome. THIS COULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED WHEN I WAS 9 YEARS OLD?!?! Yeah, because I wouldn't have wanted to see "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids" in 3-D. A kid in the middle of a giant Cheerio coming out of the screen at me? That wouldn't have been freaking awesome at all.

A man was arrested in Pennsylvania for breaking into a house. Cops were able to track him down because he logged into his Facebook account at the house and forgot to log out. I hope finding out that someone has a pink cow available for adoption on Farmville is worth the jail time, ya knucklehead.

The National Parks: America's Best Idea, a documentary by Ken Burns, was some of the most interesting and informative TV I've seen in a long time.

I only barely get the reason that Jim Beam and Jack Daniel's flavored barbecue sauces are available. Budweiser flavored barbecue sauce? I mean, I like beer. And I like barbecue sauce. And I like beer. (Did I already say that?) I'm not convinced that they are two great tastes that go great together. I'll let this one slide, but if I ever go into the store and see an Olde English 800 Malt Liquor barbecue sauce, I'm throwing every bottle of it in a trash can and lighting it on fire with a bottle of nail polish remover from the health and beauty aisle.

A part time census worker in rural Kentucky was bound, gagged and hanged with the word "FED" written on his chest. Couple of things: A) The Bluegrass State is making a strong play to become the site of an "Escape from New York type" prison, in which we just build a 50 foot concrete wall around the whole state and throw in our worst criminals to fend for themselves. What've we got to lose, besides people that kill census workers because they equate them to "feds?" B) Some of the conservative media responses to this story have been downright heinous. I'll let you read them for yourselves. Hey, Dan Riehl? Maybe you shouldn't write stuff anymore if you're going to call a guy who adopts a male child a possible "gay child predator" with no proof. Just a thought.

You've gotta love TLC's "Say Yes to the Dress." Nothing like seeing someone buy a dress for the approximate cost of a 2010 Toyota Camry to make you feel good about the fact that you're hoping your energy bill for next month isn't too high.

I think I speak for everyone who has watched TV on a regular basis for the past decade or so when I say, "They're still making new episodes of One Tree Hill?"

I'm sure that in the limited time that Barack Obama has had his office and the public eye in general, he's done enough to deserve a Nobel Peace Prize. Also, I'm sure Forrest Gump deserved to win an Oscar for Best Picture over Pulp Fiction and Shawshank Redemption. To be fair, in 1994 the Peace Prize was shared by Yasser Arafat, Shimon Peres and the late Yitzhak Rabin for fixing that Middle East peace problem. So, maybe it's not a prize that actually requires results after all.

I think it's ridiculous that virtually every travel guide for cities will tell you to visit the farmer's market if they have a famous one. Like I'm gonna go to Los Angeles and get some lettuce to take home with me. Is it even legal to take vegetables across state lines?

Where the hell did the term "Fashion Police" come from? Is it simply that someone should be arrested for doing something offensive (but not illegal) and if that thing happens to be wearing something aesthetically offensive, the "Fashion Police" should be called? Are there other faux police forces that we could report people to?

• "Kanye, we are going to call the Tact Police on you!"


• "Am I going to have to call the Fidelity Police on you, Republican Party?"


• "The Gratitude Police just put out an APB for Megan Fox."


• "Mary Kate and Ashley... actually, we are going to call those Fashion Police on you. Those outfits are pretty hideous."


• "Oh Michael Moore, you rascal! You better get out of here before the Watchability Police show up!"


• "Chris Brown, someone should call the police on you. Like, the real police. Pretty sure beating girls up is a felony."

I'm finished,
Nate

35% Of Your Daily Sodium - September 2009

As a service to you, I've kept track of my pre-packaged lunches for the month with a short critique of each. That's good eating. Enjoy!

Sept 02, 2009 - Banquet Cheesy Smothered Meat Patty Meal: Much like a hot dog. Tastes good, but I never want to see the ingredient list. Ever...

Sept 04, 2009 - Smart Ones Creamy Rigatoni with Broccoli & Chicken: A quick note to Fazoli's. Smart Ones makes this meal in a box that gets frozen and shipped cross country, stored at the grocery store and then packed in my freezer. It is weeks or months old. It should not taste better than everything you make. But, it does.

Sept 08, 2009 - Banquet Chicken Fried Chicken Meal: There are pros and cons to this one. On the positive side, it's a fried chicken patty smothered in gravy with a side of mashed taters. On the downside, you should probably not eat this if you are having body image issues. It will not make you feel better. Also, good luck getting the song "Chicken Fried" by the Zac Brown Band out of your head.

Sept 09, 2009 - Smart Ones Lemon Herb Chicken Piccata: "Lemon Herb" is a lot like "ice brewed" or that pleasure stuff they put on Trojans in that it sounds a lot better than the actual finished product. One of the pieces of chicken ended up with a consistency and chewability of what I imagine an Achilles tendon has. Not a good showing.

Sept 10, 2009 - Smart Ones Three Cheese Ziti Marinara: This can be described as a "marginally better Chef Boy-R-Dee Beefaroni." Gotta apologize to this dish, I was in a bad mood when I ate it. I swear to God that my company employs one person to go around when I'm on lunch and clean the bathroom closest to where I am warming up the meal. Me crabby.

Sept 15, 2009 - Smart Ones Swedish Meatballs: This meal reminds me of one of the big unresolved internal conflicts in my life: "Do I like egg noodles or don't I?"

Sept 17, 2009 - No lunch today, just wanted to put Lean Cuisine on blast. So, I'm out at Wal Mart last night acquiring some new fare to write about in this space, and I check a few decent looking Lean Cuisine meals. Checking the nutrition facts on the back, I catch out of the corner of my eye the heating instructions. "Cook on 50% heat for 7 minutes. Stir. Cook for another 3 minutes." Ten minutes!?!?! If I wasn't on salary and had a rigid 30 minute lunch break (which, if my bosses are reading this, I still religiously adhere to 100% of the time), I'd be spending 1/3 of it standing in front of a microwave!?!? Bad form, Lean Cuisine.

Sept 18, 2009 - Tai Pei Sesame Chicken - I am glowing right now. First, it comes in a little container shaped like a Chinese carry out box. Secondly, The heating instructions are basically, put the whole think in the micro, cook for 4 minutes, remove plastic, eat" which is a welcome respite from "slit film, remove film, stir, reapply film, etc..." Finally, it is delicious. Obviously, not "Chinese restaurant good" but definitely "Chinese leftovers good." Bravo!

Sept 22, 2009 - Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup - The old classic NEVER fails to deliver. I became so nostalgic to my youth while eating that I wanted to start an argument with someone about why G.I. Joe's were far superior to Masters of the Universe toys. Then I snapped out of it... but, I'd still have that argument if anyone dares to oppose me.

Sept 29, 2009 - Smart Ones Chicken Enchiladas Suiza - Um... Not my cup of tea, or more accurately, not my cup of "zesty sour cream and green chile sauce with Spanish rice."