Let me share with all of you a quote that I heard this weekend (although it is not nearly as cool as "Pulaski" or "Di'ya wash all your parts?") When asked about any concerns that he may have about his 79 year old (OK, only 41 but still) quaterback Vinnie Testaverde, Cowboys head coach Bill Parcells had this to say:
"I wouldn't be worried about him if he was in an igloo... in Alaska."
So, is he not concerned then? Does Vinnie need a parka? Did anybody respond to that by saying: "Hey, coach. I know you like deliver us cute little sound bites and all, but that was the most ridiculously idiotic thing you have ever said! Ever."
Well, I spent the weekend in the lovely burg of Ingleside, IL with Grant and my host family, the Schennings. Very cool people. This was of course after getting 4 hours of sleep on Friday night after Ashley and I partook in a phenomenal dinner and the movie "Collateral" (I'd reccommend renting it.) Saturday also took me on a small detour as I forgot to print out an email with my test center address (or, as I reffered to it Friday night: The one thing I had to remember! You have one job, stupid!) It let me take 41 down instead of the easier and quicker 43. If you ever get a chance to go through Milwaukee by taking Hwy 41... don't. I made pretty good time however, rolling into Gurnee somewhere around 1pm.
We took in a little dinner later and the day. That was like the 5th time I had eaten out in the last week. Just call me sluggo. And let me just go on record as saying that it is time for Marquette to get a Buffalo Wild Wings (aka "BWW" or my personal favorite "Bee Dubs".) I believe that franchise would thrive in Marquette. We had an outstanding and apparently hung over or ill waitress there who admitted to us that: "Yeah, I probably shouldn't have come to work today." She was definately not lovin life, but her honesty was nice.
On to this morning! After a weekend of worrying and about 2000 practice questions, I did pass the Series 6 License exam in Kenosha this morning. I am now licensed to deal with mutual funds and other investment products (not including stocks.) So, yay for me anyways.
Well, that's all I've got for now.
Random Movie Quote!
ESPN Announcer: So Roy, where have you been for the last fifteen years?
Roy : Well, I uh, well, ya see, I uh... Drinking. Lotta drinking.
ESPN Announcer: I see. Well, are you still drinking?
Roy : No. I uh... I put... uh... Why, you buying?
-"Kingpin" (1996)
I'm finished.
Nate
Monday, August 30, 2004
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
Hello, Peter. Whaaat's happening?
Shhhhh. Don’t tell anyone, this is my first posting from work. I’m chillin in my cubicle, just finished a most-of-the-day training course for the Series 6 Securities License Exam. I get the pleasure of partaking in that 2 ¼ hour morsel of multiple choice goodness on Monday at 9:00am. In Kenosha, WI. Which means no UP, MQT or MTU v. NMU this weekend for the Nate Puppy. = ( On the other hand, I do get to go see my boy G$ in the great state of Illinois this weekend. All signs point to a great weekend. As for the test, after almost a week straight of studying, I am very confident in my ability to pass if I took it today, so with 4 more potential days to study, I’m not too worried.
Just to clarify a few things: a) Some of my best friends are Packer fans. B) I would also expect Tom Brady to say the same thing about potential for the Super Bowl, I was just saying that everybody down here unwaveringly takes it as doctrine. C) BJ Sander is atrocious (I guess the Packers changed his approach because it was “too slow.” Well, I guess I’d rather have a slow punter barely get the kick off and punch the ball 50+ in the air than the quick kicker who pooched a 20 yard punt on Saturday night. That’s just me.) D) I have been a Patriots fan since 1996 and through the years of Drew Bledsoe, Curtis Martin, Terry Glenn, Ben “and the Amazing Technicolor Dream” Coates, my boy Robert Edwards, “Lucky” Tebucky Jones and even former Buckeye Andy Katzenmoyer. Let us not forget of course about the most important Patriots of the Rams Super Bowl: Terrell Buckley and Adam Vinatieri.
Well, gotta run. My boss is on the way over and I think I put the old cover sheet on the TPS report again. “Yeah, the thing is, we’re putting the new cover sheet on all the TPS reports from now on, and I’ll see you get another copy of that memo. Great.”
I’m finished.
Nate
Just to clarify a few things: a) Some of my best friends are Packer fans. B) I would also expect Tom Brady to say the same thing about potential for the Super Bowl, I was just saying that everybody down here unwaveringly takes it as doctrine. C) BJ Sander is atrocious (I guess the Packers changed his approach because it was “too slow.” Well, I guess I’d rather have a slow punter barely get the kick off and punch the ball 50+ in the air than the quick kicker who pooched a 20 yard punt on Saturday night. That’s just me.) D) I have been a Patriots fan since 1996 and through the years of Drew Bledsoe, Curtis Martin, Terry Glenn, Ben “and the Amazing Technicolor Dream” Coates, my boy Robert Edwards, “Lucky” Tebucky Jones and even former Buckeye Andy Katzenmoyer. Let us not forget of course about the most important Patriots of the Rams Super Bowl: Terrell Buckley and Adam Vinatieri.
Well, gotta run. My boss is on the way over and I think I put the old cover sheet on the TPS report again. “Yeah, the thing is, we’re putting the new cover sheet on all the TPS reports from now on, and I’ll see you get another copy of that memo. Great.”
I’m finished.
Nate
Saturday, August 21, 2004
Green and bold.
I've run out of ambition to finish ranting about the Packers, so I'll wrap it up quick.
3)Mike Sherman- Seventy eight feet. That's how far the Philadelphia Eagles had to travel to get a game saving first down against the Packers last year. Twenty six yards on fourth down. I'm not sure what the play would be that Mike Sherman could have called, but I would guess that it is akin to the Drop Cover Zone on Madden 2005. He is a coach/GM, and not a very good coach. But...
He's even a worse GM. He is the guy that brought in Joe Johnson, Cletidus Hunt, Jamal Reynolds (10th overall), and BJ Sander (a punter in the 3rd round?) Also, I'm not sure this was on Sherman, but: Bubba Franks. Think about it. He was picked 14th overall, and has been a decent tight end. Do you really take him at 14? Is that wise?
4)Mike McKenzie- Simply ridiculous. I hope he holds out the entire season and stays in Memphis, so I don't even have to be in the same city. Simply ludicrous contract demands.
5)The colors- Green and gold together are just brutal.
6)The fans- Right up there with Yankees, Red Sox, Lakers, Knicks and Red Wing fans in terms of believing that not only do they think they have a good football team, but that their cause is just and righteous.
7)Traffic- The stadium really is in a pretty stupid spot. This is more on the city than the team. I hated leaving work in Appleton on Monday and barely being able to get on the freeway because of heavy traffic... 30 miles away.
Well, I guess that's about it. I suppose you could also make some or all of these claims against my beloved Patriots. Go ahead, do it and I wheel br-ache you. (Hehe. "Rocky IV".)
Random Movie Quote!!!
{To Ethan Suplee's character whe he is staring at the Eye-magic display.)
Jay : What you need is a fatty-boom-batty blunt, and I guarantee you'll be seeing a sailboat, an ocean, and maybe even some of those big-titted mermaids doing that lesbian shit.
-"Mallrats" (1995)
I'm finished.
Nate
3)Mike Sherman- Seventy eight feet. That's how far the Philadelphia Eagles had to travel to get a game saving first down against the Packers last year. Twenty six yards on fourth down. I'm not sure what the play would be that Mike Sherman could have called, but I would guess that it is akin to the Drop Cover Zone on Madden 2005. He is a coach/GM, and not a very good coach. But...
He's even a worse GM. He is the guy that brought in Joe Johnson, Cletidus Hunt, Jamal Reynolds (10th overall), and BJ Sander (a punter in the 3rd round?) Also, I'm not sure this was on Sherman, but: Bubba Franks. Think about it. He was picked 14th overall, and has been a decent tight end. Do you really take him at 14? Is that wise?
4)Mike McKenzie- Simply ridiculous. I hope he holds out the entire season and stays in Memphis, so I don't even have to be in the same city. Simply ludicrous contract demands.
5)The colors- Green and gold together are just brutal.
6)The fans- Right up there with Yankees, Red Sox, Lakers, Knicks and Red Wing fans in terms of believing that not only do they think they have a good football team, but that their cause is just and righteous.
7)Traffic- The stadium really is in a pretty stupid spot. This is more on the city than the team. I hated leaving work in Appleton on Monday and barely being able to get on the freeway because of heavy traffic... 30 miles away.
Well, I guess that's about it. I suppose you could also make some or all of these claims against my beloved Patriots. Go ahead, do it and I wheel br-ache you. (Hehe. "Rocky IV".)
Random Movie Quote!!!
{To Ethan Suplee's character whe he is staring at the Eye-magic display.)
Jay : What you need is a fatty-boom-batty blunt, and I guarantee you'll be seeing a sailboat, an ocean, and maybe even some of those big-titted mermaids doing that lesbian shit.
-"Mallrats" (1995)
I'm finished.
Nate
Monday, August 16, 2004
The post that could very well get me killed.
The Pack, the Green and Gold, the legends of the "frozen tundra of Lambeau Field." These cats are easily the top dogs of the city they represent more than any other in the nation. More than the Yankees, more than the Cowboys, more than the Toledo Mud Hens. They are like a European soccer team in this city, with fans planning their whole lives around them. (Example: At work yesterday, we were finishing up training and one of the other trainees, a grown man, was pouting because the class was taking to long, cutting into his tailgating time. This was 3:00pm. The exhibition game started at 8:00pm.) Many things around town are named for Packer related things: the Stadium View Bar on Holmgren Way, Titletown brewery, Legends Steakhouse. These people cannot get enough Packers. And man, do I hate it.
Of course I will back up my statement with valid observations (of course I will.) Even if you like the Packers, this is still some stuff to think about.
1) I know you like to think your ish don't stank: Going into the 2002 season the Packers receiving corps looked as follows: Donald Driver, Terry Glenn and Javon Walker the Rookie from Florida State. (He was always referred to as "Javon Walker the Rookie from Florida State" his rookie year. Always.) Local radio stations and the Press Gazzette touted this as one of the most talented recieving corps in the leauge? WHAT? They had Donald Driver (who looks like a crackhead but a decent player), Terry Glenn (one weekend with Ricky Williams away from serving a 8 game drug suspension) and Javon Walker (who hadn't even found Green Bay on a map yet.) That's your superior recieving corp! Robert Ferguson was also in there except nobody expected him to make it through the first jog of the season without injury.
These people refuse to believe that they are inferior in anyway. Brett Favre talked about the Super Bowl during training camp this year, in 2004. People were all over it! "We've got one of the best offenses in the league." Yep, you do. Who is going to play defense though. They have a crap defensive line because it appears the Grady Jackson and Cletidus Hunt (the most suggestive name in the NFL) apparently ate their linemates. Gbaja-Biamila is one dimesnsional as well as hard to spell. Nick Barnett and my neighbor, Na'il Diggs compose a decent lindbacker group. The secondary is kinda suspect like Paris Hilton is "a little bit slutty." But, they can go to the Super Bowl? OK.
2) Unrealistic expectations: Mike Sherman was applauded, literally, at the Packers shareholder meeting for releasing DE Joe Johnson in the offseason. The Press Gazzette refered to it as the worst free agent signing in Packer if not NFL history. Fisrt of all, Sherman is the general manager that brought him in (more on Sherman in a moment) and what exactly did you expect? Joe Johnson was a decent player in New Orleans and came to the Packers and got injured. He got injured! You can talk about offseason preperation all you want, the fact is, you can't prevent injuries. People villified Johnson for being hurt and it did end up being bad for the team, as he was owed a lot of money. But in theory, it was a good pick up.
On top of that, they expect too much of rookies. There's a reason for that: They draft mediocre players way too high. The day after this first exhibition game the talk on the radio is this: "B.J. Sander has to go, he is not living up to the expectations we have for a 3rd round pick." I am going to say this once: HE DID NOT HAVE THIRD ROUND TALENT! The kicker, no pun intended, is that they actually traded up to get him! I simply refuse to believe that anyone would've taken him in the 3rd round. This year's first rounder, Ahmad Carroll, same thing: "He got burnt deep once in the exhibition. Maybe he shouldn't have held out." Maybe you pay him his money, then he gets into camp on time. Just a thought.
To be continued.
I'm finished,
Nate
Of course I will back up my statement with valid observations (of course I will.) Even if you like the Packers, this is still some stuff to think about.
1) I know you like to think your ish don't stank: Going into the 2002 season the Packers receiving corps looked as follows: Donald Driver, Terry Glenn and Javon Walker the Rookie from Florida State. (He was always referred to as "Javon Walker the Rookie from Florida State" his rookie year. Always.) Local radio stations and the Press Gazzette touted this as one of the most talented recieving corps in the leauge? WHAT? They had Donald Driver (who looks like a crackhead but a decent player), Terry Glenn (one weekend with Ricky Williams away from serving a 8 game drug suspension) and Javon Walker (who hadn't even found Green Bay on a map yet.) That's your superior recieving corp! Robert Ferguson was also in there except nobody expected him to make it through the first jog of the season without injury.
These people refuse to believe that they are inferior in anyway. Brett Favre talked about the Super Bowl during training camp this year, in 2004. People were all over it! "We've got one of the best offenses in the league." Yep, you do. Who is going to play defense though. They have a crap defensive line because it appears the Grady Jackson and Cletidus Hunt (the most suggestive name in the NFL) apparently ate their linemates. Gbaja-Biamila is one dimesnsional as well as hard to spell. Nick Barnett and my neighbor, Na'il Diggs compose a decent lindbacker group. The secondary is kinda suspect like Paris Hilton is "a little bit slutty." But, they can go to the Super Bowl? OK.
2) Unrealistic expectations: Mike Sherman was applauded, literally, at the Packers shareholder meeting for releasing DE Joe Johnson in the offseason. The Press Gazzette refered to it as the worst free agent signing in Packer if not NFL history. Fisrt of all, Sherman is the general manager that brought him in (more on Sherman in a moment) and what exactly did you expect? Joe Johnson was a decent player in New Orleans and came to the Packers and got injured. He got injured! You can talk about offseason preperation all you want, the fact is, you can't prevent injuries. People villified Johnson for being hurt and it did end up being bad for the team, as he was owed a lot of money. But in theory, it was a good pick up.
On top of that, they expect too much of rookies. There's a reason for that: They draft mediocre players way too high. The day after this first exhibition game the talk on the radio is this: "B.J. Sander has to go, he is not living up to the expectations we have for a 3rd round pick." I am going to say this once: HE DID NOT HAVE THIRD ROUND TALENT! The kicker, no pun intended, is that they actually traded up to get him! I simply refuse to believe that anyone would've taken him in the 3rd round. This year's first rounder, Ahmad Carroll, same thing: "He got burnt deep once in the exhibition. Maybe he shouldn't have held out." Maybe you pay him his money, then he gets into camp on time. Just a thought.
To be continued.
I'm finished,
Nate
Saturday, August 14, 2004
I've got two words for ya.
Let's think about golf for a second. You hit a very small white ball with an akward shaped club on a specified area of grass, usually as long as several football fields. It's insane. Physics should not allow for it. Golf had to be invented by the same people that invented other ridiculously difficult contests like marathon and competitive eating. Am I alone in thinking the ability to golf is a divine skill, with professional golfers being its foremost disciples?
My uncle and cousin are currently down at the 86th PGA Championship at Whistling Straits near Kohler, WI. To quote Viper in "Top Gun", these guys "are the elite. (dramatic pause) The best of the best." When he was buying tickets, I even considered cowboying up and buying a $70 ticket for today or tomorrow on eBay. Then I thought about the last time I golfed with Kurt and Grant and spent the moments immediately after every shot saying "Kurt! Did you see where that one went? I lost it. Crap! Over where? Up by that tree? I shanked it that bad?" No matter how good the PGA pros are, they can't do anything about my eyesight. I think I can find another way to spend $70, as a matter of fact, I'm sure I can. But my uncle got to go to every single day, starting Tuesday and it's definately a cool thing to say you've been to.
I might, however be going to a Packer game next weekend when they face Duece McAllister and the New Orleans Saints. Actually because it's preseason, it'd be more like Aaron Stecker and the New Orleans Saints as teams in the league finally realize, "Hey, maybe we shouldn't risk our big name guys at all because these games don't mean JACK SQUAT." But, yeah I might get to go to the stadium and 1265 Lombardi Ave, so that should be fun. My goal this season is to make at least one regular season game, hopefully the Jaguars to see my boy, Byron Leftwich. By the way, I am preparing a rant of Denis Leary-esque proportions about the Packers and their fans. (Jaime, I will call you as soon as I am finished, as I'm sure you are gonna love it.)
Speaking of preseason football, I watched a little of the Falcons/Ravens game on Thursday. Mike Vick played in a total of 3 plays, which I thought may have been a little over-cautious. Then I saw their backup, Matt Schaub play. Not having Vick make the plane trip wouldn't have been too over-cautious. This Shaub kid was just brutal. What I don't understand is this: You've got Mike Vick, probably the most gifted athlete on the planet, who also happens to be able to throw the ball 60 yards with pinpoint accuracy on top of being one of the fastest guys in the league. And you back him up with SLOW WHITE GUYS! Schaub, David Rivers and Ty Freakin Detmer (yes, that Ty Detmer) would probably only be slight favorites in a footrace at the Paralympics. However, if you are looking for "Backup QB's who look most like they belong on "Kids in the Hall", accept no substitutes.
One last thing, on my list of "10 Things I Hate" (or as I like to call it "My Big Embarrassing Failure to Meet Ashly's Expectations") I had included Wisconsin Liquor Laws. Take that one off the list.
Reason 1: I was let in on a little secret by a female companion I was with last night: If you drive three miles out to Bellvue, there's a gas station that sells until midnight! Hallelujah! It's right by where I live!
Reason 2: Unlike Michigan, bars in Wisconsin can give you all you can drink beer. You heard me correctly. Mojo, of Puckhead fame, took me out Thursday for my 24th and suggested "We should go to 'The Bar.' You get all you can drink beer for free on your birthday." After I got through the light-headedness from hearing "all you can drink" and "free" in the same sentence, I peeled off a draft beer drinking exhibition of Quarter Night proportions (despite the fact we had the worst bartender in history.) We finished the night with a tray of oysters (fed to me by a Hooters girl) and I was still able to get up at 6:15am for work. Twenty-four and still able to party like a rock star. Nate, you truly are living (dramatic pause) the High Life.
Oh, and by the way: I'm Baaaaccckkk!
I'm finished,
Nate
My uncle and cousin are currently down at the 86th PGA Championship at Whistling Straits near Kohler, WI. To quote Viper in "Top Gun", these guys "are the elite. (dramatic pause) The best of the best." When he was buying tickets, I even considered cowboying up and buying a $70 ticket for today or tomorrow on eBay. Then I thought about the last time I golfed with Kurt and Grant and spent the moments immediately after every shot saying "Kurt! Did you see where that one went? I lost it. Crap! Over where? Up by that tree? I shanked it that bad?" No matter how good the PGA pros are, they can't do anything about my eyesight. I think I can find another way to spend $70, as a matter of fact, I'm sure I can. But my uncle got to go to every single day, starting Tuesday and it's definately a cool thing to say you've been to.
I might, however be going to a Packer game next weekend when they face Duece McAllister and the New Orleans Saints. Actually because it's preseason, it'd be more like Aaron Stecker and the New Orleans Saints as teams in the league finally realize, "Hey, maybe we shouldn't risk our big name guys at all because these games don't mean JACK SQUAT." But, yeah I might get to go to the stadium and 1265 Lombardi Ave, so that should be fun. My goal this season is to make at least one regular season game, hopefully the Jaguars to see my boy, Byron Leftwich. By the way, I am preparing a rant of Denis Leary-esque proportions about the Packers and their fans. (Jaime, I will call you as soon as I am finished, as I'm sure you are gonna love it.)
Speaking of preseason football, I watched a little of the Falcons/Ravens game on Thursday. Mike Vick played in a total of 3 plays, which I thought may have been a little over-cautious. Then I saw their backup, Matt Schaub play. Not having Vick make the plane trip wouldn't have been too over-cautious. This Shaub kid was just brutal. What I don't understand is this: You've got Mike Vick, probably the most gifted athlete on the planet, who also happens to be able to throw the ball 60 yards with pinpoint accuracy on top of being one of the fastest guys in the league. And you back him up with SLOW WHITE GUYS! Schaub, David Rivers and Ty Freakin Detmer (yes, that Ty Detmer) would probably only be slight favorites in a footrace at the Paralympics. However, if you are looking for "Backup QB's who look most like they belong on "Kids in the Hall", accept no substitutes.
One last thing, on my list of "10 Things I Hate" (or as I like to call it "My Big Embarrassing Failure to Meet Ashly's Expectations") I had included Wisconsin Liquor Laws. Take that one off the list.
Reason 1: I was let in on a little secret by a female companion I was with last night: If you drive three miles out to Bellvue, there's a gas station that sells until midnight! Hallelujah! It's right by where I live!
Reason 2: Unlike Michigan, bars in Wisconsin can give you all you can drink beer. You heard me correctly. Mojo, of Puckhead fame, took me out Thursday for my 24th and suggested "We should go to 'The Bar.' You get all you can drink beer for free on your birthday." After I got through the light-headedness from hearing "all you can drink" and "free" in the same sentence, I peeled off a draft beer drinking exhibition of Quarter Night proportions (despite the fact we had the worst bartender in history.) We finished the night with a tray of oysters (fed to me by a Hooters girl) and I was still able to get up at 6:15am for work. Twenty-four and still able to party like a rock star. Nate, you truly are living (dramatic pause) the High Life.
Oh, and by the way: I'm Baaaaccckkk!
I'm finished,
Nate
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
And finally, number one.
OK, before I get to #1, I've gotta admit this was sort of a downer of an idea filled with disdain, laced with just a dash of contempt. I have just been on that kind of a kick lately. Things will certainly liven up in the future. Before I explain #1 I have to mention "those also receiving votes."
Honorable mention: X Box, Michael Moore, the town of Engadine, "The Reason" by Hoobastank, Hudson's fries, any movie with Julia Roberts in it (exception for "Ocean's Eleven"), marijuana, Michigan Tech basketball, Coca-Cola, figure skating, Jello, fishing, hunting, deer in general, time between NBA finals and college football season (so, now.), e-mail spam and most forwards, musicals, and the closest to making the list: road construction.
Drumroll, please.
This is the moment where all of Ashly's curiosity will be vanquished. Are you ready?
1) Hot air hand dryers- I ABSOLUTELY HATE THESE GOD DAMNED THINGS! Presumably the brainchild of hippies and the French, these things have been ruining my public restroom experiences for as long as I can remember. Few scenarios will frustrate me more than spending a minute rubbing my hands under the hot air only to end up using my portable towel (i.e. my pants) to finish the job! I pretty sure that paper towels are the undisputed champ of hand drying efficiency. Put some god damned paper towels in there!
I distinctly remember asking my mother when I was like 4, "Why? Why blow dryer?" Her response: "Um. They're better for the environment?" But they're not better for the environment! They blow out hot freaking air! How does the air get hot? I'll give you a hint, IT'S NOT BY SOLAR POWER! Not to mention the fact that you rarely get your hands dry the first time, so you push it again. That uses more electricity, which increases our need for more fossil fuels, which will eventually lead to the world choking on it's own freaking pollution as well as putting a Democrat in office. (No, I do not have any scientific data to back that claim up.)
The only humorous thing about these villians of the dry hand, are the instructions. Step 1) Push button. Step 2) Rub hands gently under air. REALLY!?!? How in the hell else could it work? Push button, then repeatedly bang head against air nozzle? There's one button and one place that the god damned air can come out! Condoms? NO! Those are in the other machine, jackass!
Perhaps I can someday come to terms with hot air drying technology. In a time where multi drying options in public restrooms are the norm, perhaps I can learn to co-exist with these blowing tools. Someday, the urge to take a hand dryer out and beat the living shiznit out of it fax-machine-in-Office-Space style, may pass.
Just kidding! Burn in the public restrooms of hell, you bastards!
I'm finished.
Nate
Honorable mention: X Box, Michael Moore, the town of Engadine, "The Reason" by Hoobastank, Hudson's fries, any movie with Julia Roberts in it (exception for "Ocean's Eleven"), marijuana, Michigan Tech basketball, Coca-Cola, figure skating, Jello, fishing, hunting, deer in general, time between NBA finals and college football season (so, now.), e-mail spam and most forwards, musicals, and the closest to making the list: road construction.
Drumroll, please.
This is the moment where all of Ashly's curiosity will be vanquished. Are you ready?
1) Hot air hand dryers- I ABSOLUTELY HATE THESE GOD DAMNED THINGS! Presumably the brainchild of hippies and the French, these things have been ruining my public restroom experiences for as long as I can remember. Few scenarios will frustrate me more than spending a minute rubbing my hands under the hot air only to end up using my portable towel (i.e. my pants) to finish the job! I pretty sure that paper towels are the undisputed champ of hand drying efficiency. Put some god damned paper towels in there!
I distinctly remember asking my mother when I was like 4, "Why? Why blow dryer?" Her response: "Um. They're better for the environment?" But they're not better for the environment! They blow out hot freaking air! How does the air get hot? I'll give you a hint, IT'S NOT BY SOLAR POWER! Not to mention the fact that you rarely get your hands dry the first time, so you push it again. That uses more electricity, which increases our need for more fossil fuels, which will eventually lead to the world choking on it's own freaking pollution as well as putting a Democrat in office. (No, I do not have any scientific data to back that claim up.)
The only humorous thing about these villians of the dry hand, are the instructions. Step 1) Push button. Step 2) Rub hands gently under air. REALLY!?!? How in the hell else could it work? Push button, then repeatedly bang head against air nozzle? There's one button and one place that the god damned air can come out! Condoms? NO! Those are in the other machine, jackass!
Perhaps I can someday come to terms with hot air drying technology. In a time where multi drying options in public restrooms are the norm, perhaps I can learn to co-exist with these blowing tools. Someday, the urge to take a hand dryer out and beat the living shiznit out of it fax-machine-in-Office-Space style, may pass.
Just kidding! Burn in the public restrooms of hell, you bastards!
I'm finished.
Nate
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
...continued.
"Hi. My name is Sully and this is my girl, Zazu. We're from Boston, Mass; birthplace of Paul Revere, the US Constitution and... Noommmmaaahhhh!"
I just. Couldn't. Help myself.
Now on to the list:
5) Commercials- I believe the creator of the modern commercial, Étienne J. Commércial (pronounced: com-air-see-all, and said with a snooty French accent) should have his body dug up and shot into space, mere retaliation for the near apocalyptic plague he inflicted on society. (OK, so I made that up, but isn't it nice to think that the creator of something so sinister is a French guy?)
TV commercials are bad, but worse yet are radio commercials, because you are less likely to go station surfing during these breaks (unless you listen to country music, because there are 75 different stations to choose from, no matter where you are!) And local commercials? AAAHHHH! I heard a commercial during a Little League baseball game last year and I swear to God it said this:
"It's almost tournament time, and you know what that means. It's time to get that new deck or spa you've been dreaming about!"
Are you kidding? Read it again, and then let it sink in that this was actually on the radio. Or this one, in a jingle from Jack & Jill's, a former kids store in Marquette:
"Girls and Boys/ need clothes and toys/ to boost their self esteem!"
Take that, Dr. Phil! The only way to keep a kids self esteem up is to spoil the bejeezus out of 'em. Dumbass.
4) Children- I always hear this argument, "You'll feel different when you have kids." Maybe so. I just think if a child is screaming and more than 10 feet from his parents in a grocery store, you should legally be allowed to clothesline him. And, "Isn't my son/daughter just the most precious thing?" A wise man once said: "Children are like poetry. They are beautiful to their creator, but..."
3) The Wisconsin liquor laws- I'm not even sure if these are actually laws. All I do know is, that the latest I've been able to buy carry out beer in Green Bay is 10pm. Oh, you can drink at a bar until 2am, but you'll never make it that far because most places have last call at 1:15am! I live in a town with liquor stores that are bigger than some supermarkets and yet all these fatuous restrictions are placed on me! I guess there is a bright side; I could've lived during prohibition. Ugh. I just got a little shiver up my spine.
2) The low carb fad- Remember the good old days when people would lose weight by eating in moderation and exercising? Remember when people tried to burn calories, rather than cut carbs? Remember when you wouldn't see stupid things on gas station marquees, like: "Our Gas Is Atkins Friendly?" Remember when you could eat spaghetti or bread and not have some dunderhead telling you: "That is just loaded with carbs, you know?"
Can we go back to those times, like when Slim Fast was the craze: "I just starve myself through breakfast and lunch with these abominable chocolate shakes, and then if I don't pass out from hunger, I eat a healthy dinner." But Nate, that isn't healthy for you! Well, according to the Food Pyramid, neither is cutting out bread and pasta, of which you are supposed to get 8 servings per day! Where's the love for the Food Pyramid? More importantly, why wasn't the food pyramid on "I Love the 90's?" I want answers!
Not that any of you probably care, but you're going to have to wait to see #1...
I'm finished.
Nate
I just. Couldn't. Help myself.
Now on to the list:
5) Commercials- I believe the creator of the modern commercial, Étienne J. Commércial (pronounced: com-air-see-all, and said with a snooty French accent) should have his body dug up and shot into space, mere retaliation for the near apocalyptic plague he inflicted on society. (OK, so I made that up, but isn't it nice to think that the creator of something so sinister is a French guy?)
TV commercials are bad, but worse yet are radio commercials, because you are less likely to go station surfing during these breaks (unless you listen to country music, because there are 75 different stations to choose from, no matter where you are!) And local commercials? AAAHHHH! I heard a commercial during a Little League baseball game last year and I swear to God it said this:
"It's almost tournament time, and you know what that means. It's time to get that new deck or spa you've been dreaming about!"
Are you kidding? Read it again, and then let it sink in that this was actually on the radio. Or this one, in a jingle from Jack & Jill's, a former kids store in Marquette:
"Girls and Boys/ need clothes and toys/ to boost their self esteem!"
Take that, Dr. Phil! The only way to keep a kids self esteem up is to spoil the bejeezus out of 'em. Dumbass.
4) Children- I always hear this argument, "You'll feel different when you have kids." Maybe so. I just think if a child is screaming and more than 10 feet from his parents in a grocery store, you should legally be allowed to clothesline him. And, "Isn't my son/daughter just the most precious thing?" A wise man once said: "Children are like poetry. They are beautiful to their creator, but..."
3) The Wisconsin liquor laws- I'm not even sure if these are actually laws. All I do know is, that the latest I've been able to buy carry out beer in Green Bay is 10pm. Oh, you can drink at a bar until 2am, but you'll never make it that far because most places have last call at 1:15am! I live in a town with liquor stores that are bigger than some supermarkets and yet all these fatuous restrictions are placed on me! I guess there is a bright side; I could've lived during prohibition. Ugh. I just got a little shiver up my spine.
2) The low carb fad- Remember the good old days when people would lose weight by eating in moderation and exercising? Remember when people tried to burn calories, rather than cut carbs? Remember when you wouldn't see stupid things on gas station marquees, like: "Our Gas Is Atkins Friendly?" Remember when you could eat spaghetti or bread and not have some dunderhead telling you: "That is just loaded with carbs, you know?"
Can we go back to those times, like when Slim Fast was the craze: "I just starve myself through breakfast and lunch with these abominable chocolate shakes, and then if I don't pass out from hunger, I eat a healthy dinner." But Nate, that isn't healthy for you! Well, according to the Food Pyramid, neither is cutting out bread and pasta, of which you are supposed to get 8 servings per day! Where's the love for the Food Pyramid? More importantly, why wasn't the food pyramid on "I Love the 90's?" I want answers!
Not that any of you probably care, but you're going to have to wait to see #1...
I'm finished.
Nate
Sunday, August 01, 2004
10 things I hate about...everything.
Any of you that know me also know that I'm always saying, "I hate this." or "This is stupid." So it struck me today that I should write down those things that piss me off or that I think are just plain dumb. I will not include single incidences, like "When I lost a 20 dollar bill coming out of Econo Foods today." or "My words and actions for a majority of last night." Just things I don't like in general.
10) Reality TV- I shouldn't even have to explain this. You all know the reasons that reality TV sucks. Almost all of it is straight up painful to watch. The only possible exceptions are "Cops" and last season of "Last Comic Standing." In our lifetime, we've seen a woman marry "a millionare", we've seen 5 seasons of "Bachelor" (and they've failed to produce a lasting relationship yet) and people eating from a buffet of testicles. This used to be much higher on my list, but I've finally just given in to this crap. This is the kind of genre that can make Paris Hilton a superstar. Well, that and amateur porn.
9) Democrats and Hippies- You ever notice that the people that are the most politically active are the ones with less to do? It's not activism, it's lack of ambition. They say that the Republican party is for older people. I say it's for more enlightened people. And no, by enlightened I don't mean stoned, hippies.
8) The New York Yankees- True, there is no salary cap in baseball, but this ish is out of hand. They pay out nearly a quarter billion dollars a year in salary. For a quarter billion dollars, that team should win the World Series (of baseball and poker), the World Cup of soccer, and the freakin Super Bowl. God, I hope this team doesn't win the Series this year. Unfortunatly I don't think Boston has the horses right now, plus they just traded Noooommaaahhhh! I think that was a bad move, your just asking for karma to come back and bite you in the ass. Enough about sports. I also despise the Red Wings. Now I'm done. Sadly, this upcoming weekend was originally scheduled to be the weekend Grant and I went to Detroit Rock City for a Sox/Tigers set. = ( OK, now I'm really done.
7) Really drunk people- I'm definately talking about last night's edition of me. (Special thanks are in order for the select few that put up with me after 10:30pm last night. I have designated all recent Sundays to reflection on the Jackassery that occured the night before.) I'm talking about the girl on her 21st birthday who sings the beginning of "In Da Club" over and over. I'm talking about the guy who hits on everything with two legs or wants to fight because somebody gave him "the eye." I love to drink and have a good time. On special occasions like Daytona Day, the day someone breaks up with you, or last night (um, I thought it was Bastille Day?), I like to drink more than I should. When that happens, I hate me (so as not to be a hypocrite.) I despise the drunk person who can't put together a coherent sentence or keep balance for more than 30 seconds at a time, yet is still trying to dance.
6) People in front of me when the light turns green- GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! YOU HAVE A GREEN ARROW!!!! JUST GOOOOOO!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!
I'll put up #'s 5-1 sometime this week.
Oh, yeah. Nooooommmaaaaahhhh!!!!
I'm finished.
Nate
10) Reality TV- I shouldn't even have to explain this. You all know the reasons that reality TV sucks. Almost all of it is straight up painful to watch. The only possible exceptions are "Cops" and last season of "Last Comic Standing." In our lifetime, we've seen a woman marry "a millionare", we've seen 5 seasons of "Bachelor" (and they've failed to produce a lasting relationship yet) and people eating from a buffet of testicles. This used to be much higher on my list, but I've finally just given in to this crap. This is the kind of genre that can make Paris Hilton a superstar. Well, that and amateur porn.
9) Democrats and Hippies- You ever notice that the people that are the most politically active are the ones with less to do? It's not activism, it's lack of ambition. They say that the Republican party is for older people. I say it's for more enlightened people. And no, by enlightened I don't mean stoned, hippies.
8) The New York Yankees- True, there is no salary cap in baseball, but this ish is out of hand. They pay out nearly a quarter billion dollars a year in salary. For a quarter billion dollars, that team should win the World Series (of baseball and poker), the World Cup of soccer, and the freakin Super Bowl. God, I hope this team doesn't win the Series this year. Unfortunatly I don't think Boston has the horses right now, plus they just traded Noooommaaahhhh! I think that was a bad move, your just asking for karma to come back and bite you in the ass. Enough about sports. I also despise the Red Wings. Now I'm done. Sadly, this upcoming weekend was originally scheduled to be the weekend Grant and I went to Detroit Rock City for a Sox/Tigers set. = ( OK, now I'm really done.
7) Really drunk people- I'm definately talking about last night's edition of me. (Special thanks are in order for the select few that put up with me after 10:30pm last night. I have designated all recent Sundays to reflection on the Jackassery that occured the night before.) I'm talking about the girl on her 21st birthday who sings the beginning of "In Da Club" over and over. I'm talking about the guy who hits on everything with two legs or wants to fight because somebody gave him "the eye." I love to drink and have a good time. On special occasions like Daytona Day, the day someone breaks up with you, or last night (um, I thought it was Bastille Day?), I like to drink more than I should. When that happens, I hate me (so as not to be a hypocrite.) I despise the drunk person who can't put together a coherent sentence or keep balance for more than 30 seconds at a time, yet is still trying to dance.
6) People in front of me when the light turns green- GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! YOU HAVE A GREEN ARROW!!!! JUST GOOOOOO!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!
I'll put up #'s 5-1 sometime this week.
Oh, yeah. Nooooommmaaaaahhhh!!!!
I'm finished.
Nate
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