...continued.

"Hi. My name is Sully and this is my girl, Zazu. We're from Boston, Mass; birthplace of Paul Revere, the US Constitution and... Noommmmaaahhhh!"

I just. Couldn't. Help myself.

Now on to the list:

5) Commercials- I believe the creator of the modern commercial, Étienne J. Commércial (pronounced: com-air-see-all, and said with a snooty French accent) should have his body dug up and shot into space, mere retaliation for the near apocalyptic plague he inflicted on society. (OK, so I made that up, but isn't it nice to think that the creator of something so sinister is a French guy?)

TV commercials are bad, but worse yet are radio commercials, because you are less likely to go station surfing during these breaks (unless you listen to country music, because there are 75 different stations to choose from, no matter where you are!) And local commercials? AAAHHHH! I heard a commercial during a Little League baseball game last year and I swear to God it said this:

"It's almost tournament time, and you know what that means. It's time to get that new deck or spa you've been dreaming about!"

Are you kidding? Read it again, and then let it sink in that this was actually on the radio. Or this one, in a jingle from Jack & Jill's, a former kids store in Marquette:

"Girls and Boys/ need clothes and toys/ to boost their self esteem!"

Take that, Dr. Phil! The only way to keep a kids self esteem up is to spoil the bejeezus out of 'em. Dumbass.

4) Children- I always hear this argument, "You'll feel different when you have kids." Maybe so. I just think if a child is screaming and more than 10 feet from his parents in a grocery store, you should legally be allowed to clothesline him. And, "Isn't my son/daughter just the most precious thing?" A wise man once said: "Children are like poetry. They are beautiful to their creator, but..."

3) The Wisconsin liquor laws- I'm not even sure if these are actually laws. All I do know is, that the latest I've been able to buy carry out beer in Green Bay is 10pm. Oh, you can drink at a bar until 2am, but you'll never make it that far because most places have last call at 1:15am! I live in a town with liquor stores that are bigger than some supermarkets and yet all these fatuous restrictions are placed on me! I guess there is a bright side; I could've lived during prohibition. Ugh. I just got a little shiver up my spine.

2) The low carb fad- Remember the good old days when people would lose weight by eating in moderation and exercising? Remember when people tried to burn calories, rather than cut carbs? Remember when you wouldn't see stupid things on gas station marquees, like: "Our Gas Is Atkins Friendly?" Remember when you could eat spaghetti or bread and not have some dunderhead telling you: "That is just loaded with carbs, you know?"

Can we go back to those times, like when Slim Fast was the craze: "I just starve myself through breakfast and lunch with these abominable chocolate shakes, and then if I don't pass out from hunger, I eat a healthy dinner." But Nate, that isn't healthy for you! Well, according to the Food Pyramid, neither is cutting out bread and pasta, of which you are supposed to get 8 servings per day! Where's the love for the Food Pyramid? More importantly, why wasn't the food pyramid on "I Love the 90's?" I want answers!

Not that any of you probably care, but you're going to have to wait to see #1...

I'm finished.
Nate