Once again, a short review of the delightful and not so delightful selections found in your grocer's freezer.
Nov 03, 2009 - Healthy Choice Portabella Spinach Parmesan - I learned a very valuable lesson from this dish: Parmesan can apparently mask my distaste for mushrooms. See, I can handle mushrooms on pizza and in certain dishes (including this one.) However, just eating mushrooms plain? That sounds like a challenge on "Fear Factor" to me. Let's put it this way, when you can bread and deep fry a food and I STILL have no desire to eat it, that isn't a good thing.
Nov 06, 2009 - Smart Ones Creamy Rigatoni With Broccoli & Chicken - Well. It's as plain as it sounds.
Nov 09, 2009 - Smart Ones Shrimp Marinara - This without a doubt the best Shrimp Marinara that Smart Ones makes. Take that for what it's worth.
Nov 10, 2009 - Smart Ones Salisbury Steak - This really took me back to 1991. Terminator 2 was tearing it up at the box office, the song "(Everything I Do) I Do It For You" was topping the charts (not to mention misusing the hell out of parentheses), and at Rapid River Public Schools, an eleven year old Nate Dogg was dining on the best Salisbury Steak he can remember. One thing that I always noticed was that Salisbury steak day was usually, almost without fail, two days after hamburger day. I assumed there was some correlation there, but I never did figure out what it was.
Nov 13, 2009 - Smart Ones Pasta Primavera - Pretty good. Pasta primavera is something that sounds really fancy, like something you'd only order when you know the company is footing the bill. Basically though, it's just pasta, broccoli, carrots and Parmesan sauce. It's kind of a let down once you know that information.
Nov 19, 2009 - Smart Ones Fettuccine Alfredo - I feel strongly that noodles and alfredo should not be served without being accompanied by some sort of meat. Chicken alfredo, shrimp alfredo, veal alfredo, bologna alfredo, etc...
Nov 23, 2009 - Swanson's Boneless Fried Chicken - Figured that going into Thanksgiving, I'd be eating a lot Thursday and Friday, so I started the week off with something light like... fried chicken. How did it taste? Well... Um... Hmm... You ever warm up fried food in the microwave? It kind of tastes like that.
Nov 30, 2009 - Michelina's Budget Gourmet Stir Fry Rice and Vegetables - Difficult to cook for sure. They expect you to peel back the corner of the container (I ended up stabbing it with a fork), cooking the thing for three minutes, and then pulling the rest of top off while steam comes billowing out that feels like it was heated by a blowtorch or nuclear reactor. After I bandaged my scorched index finger (OK, I might be embellishing here) and started eating, it was pretty good, truth be told.
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
What I Did Instead of Watching Michigan v. Ohio St.
I was planning to write a running diary of what I was doing while Michigan/Ohio St was on this weekend because I was done with the Wolverines for this year. It was lame. I watched a couple of episodes of "Scrubs" on Comedy Central and went out to Fuddrucker's for a burger. So, instead, I pulled up an old post about the Wolverines from my blog (callmehoss.blogspot.com if you haven't checked it out and told a friend, please do) where I was lamenting the state of the U of M football program. I've annotated my current thoughts in bold to illustrate how completely naive I was about the state of this program. Enjoy...
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Going Bowling, Part Deux.
MasterCard Alamo Bowl, Dec. 28- San Antonio, TX
Michigan v. Nebraska
Needless to say, this is not where this season was supposed to end up for the maize and blue. I remember watching the Wolverines on Sept. 10 (when they were still in the top 5) as they tried to come back against Notre Dame and thinking, "Uh-oh. This team isn't as good as everyone thought." (This is exactly what I was thinking about 4 years later watching them lose to Iowa this year.) It also seems that they have a hard time coming back against anyone and always lose that game or two that they probably just shouldn't lose. (Two years later we lost to D-IAA Appalachian St. which people have been happily reminding me about since.) Granted, three out of the four teams they lost to this year (Wisconsin, Notre Dame, Ohio St.) (the crappy team they lost to was the "Fake U of M", Minnesota) were pretty darned good and they did beat the team that finished #3 in the BCS (Penn St.), but these were supposed to be wins when the season began (with the possible exception of OSU.) (Now, we say things like, "Well, we should beat Delaware St and the "Directional Michigan" schools we play this year. And, if they had played Central Michigan this year instead of Delaware St, they would've lost.)
It is hard to use the words "consistently mediocre" (I'd commit a misdemeanor for "mediocre" right about now) about a team that has won a national championship in the last decade (It's now been more than a decade) and a Big Ten title as recently as last year, but at some points that is how I feel about this team. Every year as a Wolverine fan, you just wait for the other shoe to drop (There has been nothing but shoes dropping the last couple of years). If we make it through the Notre Dame game, there is always the Ohio St game, provided we even make it through the Michigan St. game or when we go to Camp Randall to play Bucky. Do you think this is the way USC fans have gone into the last two years? (USC is probably doing this now after the couple of years they've had.) Besides Oklahoma, do you think Texas looks at any game on their schedule and says, "Man, I wish we could just skip them this year!" Miami? (Miami got real bad after this post.) How about Georgia? I want to start looking at the Wolverine's schedule and feel like Ohio St. is the only game we need to worry about, and even then, worry only slightly. (Hahahahahahaha. LMFAO! OMG! LOL! We need to worry about every effin game now. I was so stupid!) That is the feeling an elite college football team should have. (We are no longer an elite program in the Big Ten, let alone nationally!) I just haven't seen that from the Wolverines. I think my buddy Corey, a U of M grad student, put it best by saying, "One of the great subtleties of Michigan athletics seems to be the lack of a killer instinct; that'll keep you going to mediocre bowls for decades at a time but prevent outright dominance." (We haven't been to any bowls for two years now. That's "any" with a "zero".)
In this game, on this day, Michigan wins the Alamo Bowl. Nebraska sucks hard. (BTW- This Nebraska team sucked so hard they beat Michigan 32-28.) Ironically, eight years ago, this should have been the matchup for the National Championship. (Just so you know, in 2009 the Nebraska program is playing for the Big XII championship in 2 weeks while the Wolverines now have some down time.) Today, in 2005 it'll be an entry in the media guide that makes us look back in a few years and think, "What the hell happened that season?" (Yeah, I'm pretty sure the first 2 years of the Dick Rod (Rich Rodriguez) era will be much more embarrassing than the 2005 season. I asked my hetero-lifemate Grant after the Wisconsin game this year, "Will we see Michigan win another national championship in our lifetime?" His response was "Of course. But, no time soon." Well, they went damn near 50 years between the 1948 national championship team and the 1997 national championship team. I don't think this is a slam dunk. Charles Woodson and Brian Griese aren't walking through that door, son. Grant brought up that we were a close win against Indiana from going winless in the Big Ten this year. There seems to be no hope. So, my assessment going forward? The 2010 Wolverines win the Big Ten and play Alabama in the National Championship game. Wolverines win 21-17. HAIL TO THE VICTORS VALIENT!!!!!!!!!!!)
I'm finished,
Nate
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Going Bowling, Part Deux.
MasterCard Alamo Bowl, Dec. 28- San Antonio, TX
Michigan v. Nebraska
Needless to say, this is not where this season was supposed to end up for the maize and blue. I remember watching the Wolverines on Sept. 10 (when they were still in the top 5) as they tried to come back against Notre Dame and thinking, "Uh-oh. This team isn't as good as everyone thought." (This is exactly what I was thinking about 4 years later watching them lose to Iowa this year.) It also seems that they have a hard time coming back against anyone and always lose that game or two that they probably just shouldn't lose. (Two years later we lost to D-IAA Appalachian St. which people have been happily reminding me about since.) Granted, three out of the four teams they lost to this year (Wisconsin, Notre Dame, Ohio St.) (the crappy team they lost to was the "Fake U of M", Minnesota) were pretty darned good and they did beat the team that finished #3 in the BCS (Penn St.), but these were supposed to be wins when the season began (with the possible exception of OSU.) (Now, we say things like, "Well, we should beat Delaware St and the "Directional Michigan" schools we play this year. And, if they had played Central Michigan this year instead of Delaware St, they would've lost.)
It is hard to use the words "consistently mediocre" (I'd commit a misdemeanor for "mediocre" right about now) about a team that has won a national championship in the last decade (It's now been more than a decade) and a Big Ten title as recently as last year, but at some points that is how I feel about this team. Every year as a Wolverine fan, you just wait for the other shoe to drop (There has been nothing but shoes dropping the last couple of years). If we make it through the Notre Dame game, there is always the Ohio St game, provided we even make it through the Michigan St. game or when we go to Camp Randall to play Bucky. Do you think this is the way USC fans have gone into the last two years? (USC is probably doing this now after the couple of years they've had.) Besides Oklahoma, do you think Texas looks at any game on their schedule and says, "Man, I wish we could just skip them this year!" Miami? (Miami got real bad after this post.) How about Georgia? I want to start looking at the Wolverine's schedule and feel like Ohio St. is the only game we need to worry about, and even then, worry only slightly. (Hahahahahahaha. LMFAO! OMG! LOL! We need to worry about every effin game now. I was so stupid!) That is the feeling an elite college football team should have. (We are no longer an elite program in the Big Ten, let alone nationally!) I just haven't seen that from the Wolverines. I think my buddy Corey, a U of M grad student, put it best by saying, "One of the great subtleties of Michigan athletics seems to be the lack of a killer instinct; that'll keep you going to mediocre bowls for decades at a time but prevent outright dominance." (We haven't been to any bowls for two years now. That's "any" with a "zero".)
In this game, on this day, Michigan wins the Alamo Bowl. Nebraska sucks hard. (BTW- This Nebraska team sucked so hard they beat Michigan 32-28.) Ironically, eight years ago, this should have been the matchup for the National Championship. (Just so you know, in 2009 the Nebraska program is playing for the Big XII championship in 2 weeks while the Wolverines now have some down time.) Today, in 2005 it'll be an entry in the media guide that makes us look back in a few years and think, "What the hell happened that season?" (Yeah, I'm pretty sure the first 2 years of the Dick Rod (Rich Rodriguez) era will be much more embarrassing than the 2005 season. I asked my hetero-lifemate Grant after the Wisconsin game this year, "Will we see Michigan win another national championship in our lifetime?" His response was "Of course. But, no time soon." Well, they went damn near 50 years between the 1948 national championship team and the 1997 national championship team. I don't think this is a slam dunk. Charles Woodson and Brian Griese aren't walking through that door, son. Grant brought up that we were a close win against Indiana from going winless in the Big Ten this year. There seems to be no hope. So, my assessment going forward? The 2010 Wolverines win the Big Ten and play Alabama in the National Championship game. Wolverines win 21-17. HAIL TO THE VICTORS VALIENT!!!!!!!!!!!)
I'm finished,
Nate
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
You're Better Than That, Vol 4 & 5
As you know, I am not the biggest Sarah Palin fan. I feel that while she became Governor of a state (something which I will never do), she rarely has anything of substance to say.
That being said, I would at least like to think that a "news" magazine would not have a headline that reads in part "She's Bad News For The GOP - And For Everybody Else, Too."
Newsweek, aren't you better than that?
Palin angered by 'sexist' Newsweek cover
But also, Sarah? You really posed for that picture? Thought you were better than that, too.
That being said, I would at least like to think that a "news" magazine would not have a headline that reads in part "She's Bad News For The GOP - And For Everybody Else, Too."
Newsweek, aren't you better than that?
Palin angered by 'sexist' Newsweek cover
But also, Sarah? You really posed for that picture? Thought you were better than that, too.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Hey Ladies....
At times, when there is nothing good on sports talk and there is a long commercial break on 94.7 WZOR I will need to turn over to 101.1, which one could nickname "Miley Radio." The currently have in heavy rotation the latest song from Blu Cantrell. The problem is, the latest song from Blu Cantrell is "Hit Em Up Style", it's eight years old and is one of the most god damned annoying songs of all time. If I could ban songs from ever being played again, this stupid song would be right up there with "Smooth" by Santana and Rob Thomas.
Now, I'm all about bringing back old stuff if it's good, but seriously can we stop with the Blu Cantrell and bring back something better like:
Now, I'm all about bringing back old stuff if it's good, but seriously can we stop with the Blu Cantrell and bring back something better like:
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Baloon Boy Parents To Plead Guilty
Well, the jig as they say, is up for the creepy balloon boy hoax parents.
http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/11/12/balloon.boy.charges/index.html
Part of the reason the parents agreed to plea deals was the citizenship status of the mother Mayumi Heene. That makes sense. The indignation of the family's lawyers certainly does not make sense.
Um, you're damn right. These parents screwed up and tried to make a little kid lie to Wolf Blitzer so that the parents (not the family, the parents) could maybe get a reality TV show. They are lucky to still have kids. You just said yourself that if they risked going to court for a felony she can get deported. You want to take that risk? Maybe you want them to just not be charged with anything at all. Seeing as your client has already come out and said it was a hoax (that cost taxpayers a couple mil), these prosecutors are throwing you a absolute, gift wrapped bone here by allowing a plea and not nailing your ass to the wall. Where does this indignation that this plea is somehow bad for the welfare of the children come from, you prick? I think it is well within law enforcement's right to threaten someone with deportation if they VERY CLEARLY ADMIT TO BREAKING THE LAW and the DA wants to avoid a pain in the ass (albeit a slam dunk pain in the ass) trial.
So, sorry, balloon parents. You won't get media coverage of a trial either, which I'm sure you would've loved.
http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/11/12/balloon.boy.charges/index.html
Part of the reason the parents agreed to plea deals was the citizenship status of the mother Mayumi Heene. That makes sense. The indignation of the family's lawyers certainly does not make sense.
The threat of deportation for Mayumi Heene was a factor in the plea deal negotiation, the attorney's statement said.
"Mayumi Heene is a citizen of Japan. As such, any felony conviction or certain misdemeanors would result in her deportation, even though her husband and children are Americans," the statement said.
"It is supremely ironic that law enforcement has expressed such grave concern over the welfare of the children, but it was ultimately the threat of taking the children's mother from the family and deporting her to Japan which fueled this deal."
Um, you're damn right. These parents screwed up and tried to make a little kid lie to Wolf Blitzer so that the parents (not the family, the parents) could maybe get a reality TV show. They are lucky to still have kids. You just said yourself that if they risked going to court for a felony she can get deported. You want to take that risk? Maybe you want them to just not be charged with anything at all. Seeing as your client has already come out and said it was a hoax (that cost taxpayers a couple mil), these prosecutors are throwing you a absolute, gift wrapped bone here by allowing a plea and not nailing your ass to the wall. Where does this indignation that this plea is somehow bad for the welfare of the children come from, you prick? I think it is well within law enforcement's right to threaten someone with deportation if they VERY CLEARLY ADMIT TO BREAKING THE LAW and the DA wants to avoid a pain in the ass (albeit a slam dunk pain in the ass) trial.
So, sorry, balloon parents. You won't get media coverage of a trial either, which I'm sure you would've loved.
Monday, November 09, 2009
Randomness, Vol 13
Just a short one. Been busy lately overseeing my white blood cells do battle with an invading cold army.
Well, 'multi-platimum' (I think we're taking his word on that) singer/songwriter Ray J is back for another season of "For the Love of Ray J." The beginning of this season shows him flying in a Gulfstream, landing on the tarmac to get into an expensive Italian sports car that eventually pulls up at an opulent mansion. The scene is interspersed with Ray J explaining that with his hectic schedule, it's hard to find love. Couple of things: a) How sad do you think he's going to be when vh1 takes the car, mansion and use of the jet back? b) You have such a busy schedule but yet you have time to film 12 episodes of a reality dating show!?!? c) How many more fake "For the Love of..." type shows do we need, for the love of Christ?!?! This must be catering to an entirely different demographic than the one I hang with.
And I thought the Miss California story couldn't get any more effed up. Read this web address, it pretty much sums this whole story up (do read it, though.) - http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/2009/11/05/2009-11-05_carrie_prejean_sex_tape_forced_exmiss_californias_lawsuit_settlement_report_.html
It's almost a decade later, do we still need to be on guard about that Y2K thing?
At the height of its popularity back in 2002, "That 70s Show" spawned a little known spinoff called "That 80s Show." It was just a classic example of having one concept that is good and popular and trying to take it one step too far. On a related note, Activision just recently came out with DJ Hero and Band Hero.
Shouldn't a lawsuit seeking over $1 trillion in damages just be automatically thrown out on grounds of ridiculousness?
Hey, Pink? If your attitude is such that most of your songs are about how men are a bunch of immature D Bags, should you really be surprised when you have relationship problems? I don't want to point fingers here, but...
I don't know what this Christmas Carol story is all about, but if it's got Jim Carrey in it, it's got to be great. When have you steered me wrong (Eternal Sunshine, Lemony Snicket's, The Truman Show, The Number 23 and Fun with Dick and Jane excluded.)
I don't think I heard one Jon & Kate story this week. Glorious.
Bryan Fischer, the director of Issues Analysis (what an outstanding ambiguous title) for the American Family Association has a simple solution for stopping violence like what happened in Ft Hood, TX. The alleged shooter was Muslim so, very simply, kick all Muslims out of the military. At least until Muslims, quote, "invent a jihadi-detector that works every time it's used." Yeah, how about nobody starts work on a "jihadi-detector" until we figure out why our counter-terrorism officials may have intercepted communications between the shooter and a radical Muslim spiritual leader and didn't do anything about it? It's not like this guy was in the general population, you mean to tell me someone from the CIA couldn't have contacted his C.O. to arrange an interview to discuss his future in the military? So yes, Brian Fischer, it may end up that the fact that this soldier was Muslim was the biggest reason for this rampage. I am actually more appalled if the true is there may have been hints of this before it happened that were ignored. A main justification for this proposed ban are that "Christianity is a religion of peace... Islam is a religion of war and violence..." So, the assholes that bomb and shoot up abortion clinic doctors... were they just out sick on that "religion of peace" day? But maybe your plan isn't ambitious enough. Why limit it to Muslims in the military? Let's just bring back concentration camps like we had in W.W.II! That wasn't a black eye in American history that I'm gonna love to explain to my kids someday. You say the military is "about being ready to break things and kill people so that Americans can sleep securely in their beds at night." Well, you obviously don't sleep very securely with people around who follow the Muslim religion... oh, I see where this is headed...
Seriously though, just a terrible terrible thing that went down last week.
I'm finished,
Nate
Well, 'multi-platimum' (I think we're taking his word on that) singer/songwriter Ray J is back for another season of "For the Love of Ray J." The beginning of this season shows him flying in a Gulfstream, landing on the tarmac to get into an expensive Italian sports car that eventually pulls up at an opulent mansion. The scene is interspersed with Ray J explaining that with his hectic schedule, it's hard to find love. Couple of things: a) How sad do you think he's going to be when vh1 takes the car, mansion and use of the jet back? b) You have such a busy schedule but yet you have time to film 12 episodes of a reality dating show!?!? c) How many more fake "For the Love of..." type shows do we need, for the love of Christ?!?! This must be catering to an entirely different demographic than the one I hang with.
And I thought the Miss California story couldn't get any more effed up. Read this web address, it pretty much sums this whole story up (do read it, though.) - http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/2009/11/05/2009-11-05_carrie_prejean_sex_tape_forced_exmiss_californias_lawsuit_settlement_report_.html
It's almost a decade later, do we still need to be on guard about that Y2K thing?
At the height of its popularity back in 2002, "That 70s Show" spawned a little known spinoff called "That 80s Show." It was just a classic example of having one concept that is good and popular and trying to take it one step too far. On a related note, Activision just recently came out with DJ Hero and Band Hero.
Shouldn't a lawsuit seeking over $1 trillion in damages just be automatically thrown out on grounds of ridiculousness?
Hey, Pink? If your attitude is such that most of your songs are about how men are a bunch of immature D Bags, should you really be surprised when you have relationship problems? I don't want to point fingers here, but...
I don't know what this Christmas Carol story is all about, but if it's got Jim Carrey in it, it's got to be great. When have you steered me wrong (Eternal Sunshine, Lemony Snicket's, The Truman Show, The Number 23 and Fun with Dick and Jane excluded.)
I don't think I heard one Jon & Kate story this week. Glorious.
Bryan Fischer, the director of Issues Analysis (what an outstanding ambiguous title) for the American Family Association has a simple solution for stopping violence like what happened in Ft Hood, TX. The alleged shooter was Muslim so, very simply, kick all Muslims out of the military. At least until Muslims, quote, "invent a jihadi-detector that works every time it's used." Yeah, how about nobody starts work on a "jihadi-detector" until we figure out why our counter-terrorism officials may have intercepted communications between the shooter and a radical Muslim spiritual leader and didn't do anything about it? It's not like this guy was in the general population, you mean to tell me someone from the CIA couldn't have contacted his C.O. to arrange an interview to discuss his future in the military? So yes, Brian Fischer, it may end up that the fact that this soldier was Muslim was the biggest reason for this rampage. I am actually more appalled if the true is there may have been hints of this before it happened that were ignored. A main justification for this proposed ban are that "Christianity is a religion of peace... Islam is a religion of war and violence..." So, the assholes that bomb and shoot up abortion clinic doctors... were they just out sick on that "religion of peace" day? But maybe your plan isn't ambitious enough. Why limit it to Muslims in the military? Let's just bring back concentration camps like we had in W.W.II! That wasn't a black eye in American history that I'm gonna love to explain to my kids someday. You say the military is "about being ready to break things and kill people so that Americans can sleep securely in their beds at night." Well, you obviously don't sleep very securely with people around who follow the Muslim religion... oh, I see where this is headed...
Seriously though, just a terrible terrible thing that went down last week.
I'm finished,
Nate
Friday, November 06, 2009
"Grey Mucus... Awesome."
So, my big accomplishment this week was fighting through a pretty bad cold while not missing any work. The fun started with a little tickle in my throat on Monday and peaked as I was in bed, under my winter quilt, with a space heater going full bore right next to me, watching "Parks and Recreation" and thinking "Hey, Amy Poehler isn't that terrible" (that must have been the Sudafed talking.) An hour later? Quilt is off, space heater's turned off and the window's cracked to let some cold night air in. You want to make up your mind, cold riddled body?
Speaking of Sudafed, what a lovely drug that is, right? You got a runny nose? Well, we've got a drug that will make your nose Mojave level dry and painfully itchy while giving your brain and the rest of your body the functioning capacity of a DVD player trying to read VHS tapes. Take the red pill if you want to continue.
Speaking of Sudafed, what a lovely drug that is, right? You got a runny nose? Well, we've got a drug that will make your nose Mojave level dry and painfully itchy while giving your brain and the rest of your body the functioning capacity of a DVD player trying to read VHS tapes. Take the red pill if you want to continue.
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Daylight Savings Time
I usually wait at least 5 or 6 days to change my clocks back in the fall. I love the feeling of waking up in morning, looking at the clock and thinking, "Oh, man! I'm gonna be late!" and then a few seconds later thinking, "Nevermind, I can go back to sleep for a little bit." Or, when I get home from the gym after work... OK, ya got me... when I get home from Cheyenne's Bar and Grill after work and think, "Crap, I missed the first half of NCIS! Oh, wait. Nope. Still have a half hour to go. Whew." Eventually, I'll update all my clocks, but for a little while, it's kinda neat to live in a world with extra time and I recommend that everyone try it.
Monday, November 02, 2009
Welcome!
For those of you who came over here via facebook, I still plan to post the Randomness, You're Better Than That and 35% of Your Daily Sodium on fb. In addition here, I will be posting more quick hitter things that I can't justify doing as a note on your facebook wall, clogging up your newsfeed.
Also, feel free to take a look back at this kid's older posts, and if you think that what I have to say is funny or has merit, please, by all means pass the address on to a friend, coworker, douche bag you see surfing the web on his Blackberry while driving, etc...
callmehoss.blogspot.com
Late.....
Also, feel free to take a look back at this kid's older posts, and if you think that what I have to say is funny or has merit, please, by all means pass the address on to a friend, coworker, douche bag you see surfing the web on his Blackberry while driving, etc...
callmehoss.blogspot.com
Late.....
35% Of Your Daily Sodium - October 2009
Once again, as a service to you, I've jotted down some brief thoughts on the prepackaged meals I happened to eat last month. That's good eatin'.
Oct 05, 2009 - Michelina's Shrimp Fried Rice - I had to break my "Never buy anything that costs less than $2 and involves seafood unless you are in a third world Asian nation where $2 is a weeks pay" Rule for this one. Not bad, actually. As far as shrimp quotient is concerned, I finally found out where all of the shrimp that are too small to qualify as salad shrimp go, but with a price tag of 2 for $3, it met my low expectations.
Oct 13, 2009 - Orv's Beef Pasty - This thing has two strikes against it from jump street. a) It's a pasty that is not made in the U.P. b) It's made by Orv's, the company that produces some of the most repugnant oven bake pizza I've ever had. So obviously, this is going to be terrible. Got a couple of bites in and realized... it wasn't that bad. At 6oz, it is embarrassingly small and nowhere near the quality of St. Charles, Jean Kay's, Dobber's, or even the Pasty Koop here in Appleton. That being said, I can see another couple of Orv's Beef Pasties in my future (if other options are not available, of course.)
Oct 14, 2009 - Swanson's Roasted Carved Turkey - Swanson's claims to have invented the TV Dinner back in 1954. Apparently since then, much like the Hardee's chain, they've scoffed in the face of the healthy eating movement with classic offerings such as Salisbury steak, boneless fried chicken, fried chicken strips and fried Salisbury steak w/ fried carrots. OK, I made that last one up, but I wouldn't put it past 'em. The turkey in this dish is so thin, I'm assuming it was "carved" with a deli meat slicer and the stuffing tasted about what you'd expect microwaved bread crumbs to taste like, but in the end, it wasn't all that bad. A solid B - to C+.
Oct 15, 2009 - Campbell's Select Harvest Mexican-Style Chicken Tortilla soup - The soup was good, but the commercials for these Select Harvest soups are outstanding. They basically criticize all of the artificial flavorings and chemicals that are in "other" soups. You mean "other" soups like everything else that you sell, Campbell's? It's like saying, "Good thing you're eating this, because the rest of our soups are straight up garbage, yo."
Oct 16, 2009 - Campbell's Select Harvest Savory Chicken with Vegetables soup - If I went back in time to talk to my great great great grandparents, two things would be certain: 1) My great great great grandfather would look a lot like either me or Michael J Fox. 2) They'd want me to be burned as a heretic when I told them I 'made' soup for lunch and it only took 3 1/2 minutes.
Oct 20, 2009 - Healthy Choice Sweet Asian Potstickers - Truth be told, I had no idea what a "potsticker" was when I bought this (I'm relatively certain you as the reader are looking it up on Wikipedia right now.) I'll sum this up in a haiku:
No like whole grain rice
Potstickers way too bland
Will not buy again
Oct 21, 2009 - La Preferida Spanish Rice w/ Bell Peppers & Onions - I almost wish we lived in a world without "Best if used by" dates. Then I could avoid situations in which I talk myself into taking a can of spanish rice that's about to go bad to work and calling it "lunch." Just a terrible decision by the kid. 'Preferida' is of course Spanish for 'favorite.' Based on the quality, I assume they mean 'favorite' like, "Ball St (0-7) is a four point 'favorite' at Eastern Michigan (0-6) this weekend."
Sunday, October 25, 2009
You're Better Than That, Vol 3
I had dinner Saturday night in the atrium of famed Lambeau Field at Curley's Pub. There was a group of 10 (3 couples and 4 singles) getting ourselves some dinner before heading over to the Resch Center for some Green Bay Gamblers hockey (they won 3-0.) Our waitress Liz came over to the table to take drink orders. That's when everything went horribly, horribly wrong.
Liz asked us for our drink orders and brought them out promptly. Then dinner orders commenced. I found it odd that she didn't ask if the bill was to be split up in some way, but I thought, "Well they can do that when we are ready to pay." No biggie.
I had mac and cheese. Some of the best mac and cheese I've ever had. I'd recommend going and having it at least once in your life, but I can't. Thanks for effing that up, Liz. Read on...
First of all, she had someone else bring the food out and we spent a good 5 minutes telling him which plate went to which patron. Not that uncommon, but kind of annoying. Homegirl Angie's food wasn't even brought out, so they had to go back in the kitchen to actually complete the order. Once again, it happens.
Then it comes time to pay the check. Liz brings the bill over. (Going forward, I swear to God that this is a decent facisimile of what she said and did. You may think I'm embellishing, but I and the people with me can assure you that I am not.) She says, "YOu can figure out the bill now." and DROPS IT in the middle of the table from about 10 inches above the table. We all look at each other. Some folks have debit cards. Some have cash. None of us have $190 of disposable income available to cover the tab for everyone.
We ask Liz to split the bill.
"We can't. It's a real annoyance to us to put everything on seperate bills. So, someone will have to pay it and then you can all figure it out later."
We let Liz know that we need to have this split up on seperate bills.
"I'm not even sure we can do that on our computer system. I'll see if it's even possible."
At this point, all of us are thinking, "Are you kidding us?" I'm done calling her "Liz."
The solution that Spawn of Satan came up with was (I'm not kidding), "Can you all just pay $19 a piece." We let Sexually Frustrated Divorcee know that we all had meals of varying cost and some had more drinks than others. "Do you really need this bill split up?" I think this may have been accompanied by an eye roll, but my eyes had kind of half glazed over with rage at this point.
Trying With The Makeup But Not Working comes back and lets us know that "When I take the orders, I don't even need to remember who orders what. If you want this split up, you're going to have to go through this print out and tell me what each bill should have on it." I AM NOT EXAGURRATING HERE, I SWEAR TO GOD!! It adds, "For future reference, we don't allow people to split up bills. It's just too hard for the waitstaff."
So, we are at the table, (I am not joking) adding up our own bills. I just payed $9 for mac and cheese, and now I have to help add up my own bill. This takes approximately 15 minutes.
Should Not Be In The Service Industry In Any Capacity reiterates, "For future reference, we don't do this. You're lucky its not busier, or we wouldn't be able to do this." You don't split checks? You see a group of 10 people and assume that one person is paying? Really? And you think I'm actually ever eating here again? Are you high? She slithers over one more time to let us know that we didn't account for two sandwiches. Not surprisingly, this was The Crypt Keeper's mistake, not ours. We were then finally able to leave to go over to the game. I made damn sure that when I ordered a beer from the concessions that I was very clear that I wanted this on a seperate bill and that I wasn't paying for the beers of everyone in line and we would figure it out later amongst ourselves.
Bottom line, I have never been so insulted by someone in the service industry. This includes an episode at the Shell gas station in Manistique, MI when a cashier rang up my items while on a phone call that was obviously personal in nature and POINTED at the amount I owed without even breaking stride in the phone conversation. Should Maybe Be A Busdriver And Not A Waitress has now knocked that one from the #1 spot of sucktitude.
So, to Curly's Pub in the Lambeau Field Atrium, I would say, "You're better than that." But if this is the kind of waitstaff that you employ and tolerate, maybe you're not.
Liz asked us for our drink orders and brought them out promptly. Then dinner orders commenced. I found it odd that she didn't ask if the bill was to be split up in some way, but I thought, "Well they can do that when we are ready to pay." No biggie.
I had mac and cheese. Some of the best mac and cheese I've ever had. I'd recommend going and having it at least once in your life, but I can't. Thanks for effing that up, Liz. Read on...
First of all, she had someone else bring the food out and we spent a good 5 minutes telling him which plate went to which patron. Not that uncommon, but kind of annoying. Homegirl Angie's food wasn't even brought out, so they had to go back in the kitchen to actually complete the order. Once again, it happens.
Then it comes time to pay the check. Liz brings the bill over. (Going forward, I swear to God that this is a decent facisimile of what she said and did. You may think I'm embellishing, but I and the people with me can assure you that I am not.) She says, "YOu can figure out the bill now." and DROPS IT in the middle of the table from about 10 inches above the table. We all look at each other. Some folks have debit cards. Some have cash. None of us have $190 of disposable income available to cover the tab for everyone.
We ask Liz to split the bill.
"We can't. It's a real annoyance to us to put everything on seperate bills. So, someone will have to pay it and then you can all figure it out later."
We let Liz know that we need to have this split up on seperate bills.
"I'm not even sure we can do that on our computer system. I'll see if it's even possible."
At this point, all of us are thinking, "Are you kidding us?" I'm done calling her "Liz."
The solution that Spawn of Satan came up with was (I'm not kidding), "Can you all just pay $19 a piece." We let Sexually Frustrated Divorcee know that we all had meals of varying cost and some had more drinks than others. "Do you really need this bill split up?" I think this may have been accompanied by an eye roll, but my eyes had kind of half glazed over with rage at this point.
Trying With The Makeup But Not Working comes back and lets us know that "When I take the orders, I don't even need to remember who orders what. If you want this split up, you're going to have to go through this print out and tell me what each bill should have on it." I AM NOT EXAGURRATING HERE, I SWEAR TO GOD!! It adds, "For future reference, we don't allow people to split up bills. It's just too hard for the waitstaff."
So, we are at the table, (I am not joking) adding up our own bills. I just payed $9 for mac and cheese, and now I have to help add up my own bill. This takes approximately 15 minutes.
Should Not Be In The Service Industry In Any Capacity reiterates, "For future reference, we don't do this. You're lucky its not busier, or we wouldn't be able to do this." You don't split checks? You see a group of 10 people and assume that one person is paying? Really? And you think I'm actually ever eating here again? Are you high? She slithers over one more time to let us know that we didn't account for two sandwiches. Not surprisingly, this was The Crypt Keeper's mistake, not ours. We were then finally able to leave to go over to the game. I made damn sure that when I ordered a beer from the concessions that I was very clear that I wanted this on a seperate bill and that I wasn't paying for the beers of everyone in line and we would figure it out later amongst ourselves.
Bottom line, I have never been so insulted by someone in the service industry. This includes an episode at the Shell gas station in Manistique, MI when a cashier rang up my items while on a phone call that was obviously personal in nature and POINTED at the amount I owed without even breaking stride in the phone conversation. Should Maybe Be A Busdriver And Not A Waitress has now knocked that one from the #1 spot of sucktitude.
So, to Curly's Pub in the Lambeau Field Atrium, I would say, "You're better than that." But if this is the kind of waitstaff that you employ and tolerate, maybe you're not.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Randomness, Vol 12
We had a big scare this week when a kid reportedly took off in a hot air balloon. Initially I thought, "That's what happens when you play 'Grand Theft Balloon' for PlayStation 3 too much. You steal the first one you come across. Next thing you know, you're beating up a hooker." Thankfully, the kid never took the balloon and was safe and sound.
Jeff Dunham will be bringing his trunk filled with dummies to his new show on Comedy Central, debuting Oct. 22. Finally, someone is satiating the American public's voracious appetite for ventriloquism!
So, I'm 29 years old now, and all of a sudden, every kids movie is in digital hi-def and 3-D. Awesome. THIS COULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED WHEN I WAS 9 YEARS OLD?!?! Yeah, because I wouldn't have wanted to see "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids" in 3-D. A kid in the middle of a giant Cheerio coming out of the screen at me? That wouldn't have been freaking awesome at all.
A man was arrested in Pennsylvania for breaking into a house. Cops were able to track him down because he logged into his Facebook account at the house and forgot to log out. I hope finding out that someone has a pink cow available for adoption on Farmville is worth the jail time, ya knucklehead.
The National Parks: America's Best Idea, a documentary by Ken Burns, was some of the most interesting and informative TV I've seen in a long time.
I only barely get the reason that Jim Beam and Jack Daniel's flavored barbecue sauces are available. Budweiser flavored barbecue sauce? I mean, I like beer. And I like barbecue sauce. And I like beer. (Did I already say that?) I'm not convinced that they are two great tastes that go great together. I'll let this one slide, but if I ever go into the store and see an Olde English 800 Malt Liquor barbecue sauce, I'm throwing every bottle of it in a trash can and lighting it on fire with a bottle of nail polish remover from the health and beauty aisle.
A part time census worker in rural Kentucky was bound, gagged and hanged with the word "FED" written on his chest. Couple of things: A) The Bluegrass State is making a strong play to become the site of an "Escape from New York type" prison, in which we just build a 50 foot concrete wall around the whole state and throw in our worst criminals to fend for themselves. What've we got to lose, besides people that kill census workers because they equate them to "feds?" B) Some of the conservative media responses to this story have been downright heinous. I'll let you read them for yourselves. Hey, Dan Riehl? Maybe you shouldn't write stuff anymore if you're going to call a guy who adopts a male child a possible "gay child predator" with no proof. Just a thought.
You've gotta love TLC's "Say Yes to the Dress." Nothing like seeing someone buy a dress for the approximate cost of a 2010 Toyota Camry to make you feel good about the fact that you're hoping your energy bill for next month isn't too high.
I think I speak for everyone who has watched TV on a regular basis for the past decade or so when I say, "They're still making new episodes of One Tree Hill?"
I'm sure that in the limited time that Barack Obama has had his office and the public eye in general, he's done enough to deserve a Nobel Peace Prize. Also, I'm sure Forrest Gump deserved to win an Oscar for Best Picture over Pulp Fiction and Shawshank Redemption. To be fair, in 1994 the Peace Prize was shared by Yasser Arafat, Shimon Peres and the late Yitzhak Rabin for fixing that Middle East peace problem. So, maybe it's not a prize that actually requires results after all.
I think it's ridiculous that virtually every travel guide for cities will tell you to visit the farmer's market if they have a famous one. Like I'm gonna go to Los Angeles and get some lettuce to take home with me. Is it even legal to take vegetables across state lines?
Where the hell did the term "Fashion Police" come from? Is it simply that someone should be arrested for doing something offensive (but not illegal) and if that thing happens to be wearing something aesthetically offensive, the "Fashion Police" should be called? Are there other faux police forces that we could report people to?
Nate
Jeff Dunham will be bringing his trunk filled with dummies to his new show on Comedy Central, debuting Oct. 22. Finally, someone is satiating the American public's voracious appetite for ventriloquism!
So, I'm 29 years old now, and all of a sudden, every kids movie is in digital hi-def and 3-D. Awesome. THIS COULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED WHEN I WAS 9 YEARS OLD?!?! Yeah, because I wouldn't have wanted to see "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids" in 3-D. A kid in the middle of a giant Cheerio coming out of the screen at me? That wouldn't have been freaking awesome at all.
A man was arrested in Pennsylvania for breaking into a house. Cops were able to track him down because he logged into his Facebook account at the house and forgot to log out. I hope finding out that someone has a pink cow available for adoption on Farmville is worth the jail time, ya knucklehead.
The National Parks: America's Best Idea, a documentary by Ken Burns, was some of the most interesting and informative TV I've seen in a long time.
I only barely get the reason that Jim Beam and Jack Daniel's flavored barbecue sauces are available. Budweiser flavored barbecue sauce? I mean, I like beer. And I like barbecue sauce. And I like beer. (Did I already say that?) I'm not convinced that they are two great tastes that go great together. I'll let this one slide, but if I ever go into the store and see an Olde English 800 Malt Liquor barbecue sauce, I'm throwing every bottle of it in a trash can and lighting it on fire with a bottle of nail polish remover from the health and beauty aisle.
A part time census worker in rural Kentucky was bound, gagged and hanged with the word "FED" written on his chest. Couple of things: A) The Bluegrass State is making a strong play to become the site of an "Escape from New York type" prison, in which we just build a 50 foot concrete wall around the whole state and throw in our worst criminals to fend for themselves. What've we got to lose, besides people that kill census workers because they equate them to "feds?" B) Some of the conservative media responses to this story have been downright heinous. I'll let you read them for yourselves. Hey, Dan Riehl? Maybe you shouldn't write stuff anymore if you're going to call a guy who adopts a male child a possible "gay child predator" with no proof. Just a thought.
You've gotta love TLC's "Say Yes to the Dress." Nothing like seeing someone buy a dress for the approximate cost of a 2010 Toyota Camry to make you feel good about the fact that you're hoping your energy bill for next month isn't too high.
I think I speak for everyone who has watched TV on a regular basis for the past decade or so when I say, "They're still making new episodes of One Tree Hill?"
I'm sure that in the limited time that Barack Obama has had his office and the public eye in general, he's done enough to deserve a Nobel Peace Prize. Also, I'm sure Forrest Gump deserved to win an Oscar for Best Picture over Pulp Fiction and Shawshank Redemption. To be fair, in 1994 the Peace Prize was shared by Yasser Arafat, Shimon Peres and the late Yitzhak Rabin for fixing that Middle East peace problem. So, maybe it's not a prize that actually requires results after all.
I think it's ridiculous that virtually every travel guide for cities will tell you to visit the farmer's market if they have a famous one. Like I'm gonna go to Los Angeles and get some lettuce to take home with me. Is it even legal to take vegetables across state lines?
Where the hell did the term "Fashion Police" come from? Is it simply that someone should be arrested for doing something offensive (but not illegal) and if that thing happens to be wearing something aesthetically offensive, the "Fashion Police" should be called? Are there other faux police forces that we could report people to?
- "Kanye, we are going to call the Tact Police on you!"
- "Am I going to have to call the Fidelity Police on you, Republican Party?"
- "The Gratitude Police just put out an APB for Megan Fox."
- "Mary Kate and Ashley... actually, we are going to call those Fashion Police on you. Those outfits are pretty hideous."
- "Oh Michael Moore, you rascal! You better get out of here before the Watchability Police show up!"
- "Chris Brown, someone should call the police on you. Like, the real police. Pretty sure beating girls up is a felony."
Nate
Thursday, October 01, 2009
35% Of Your Daily Sodium - September 2009
As a service to you, I've kept track of my pre-packaged lunches for the month with a short critique of each. That's good eating. Enjoy!
Sept 02, 2009 - Banquet Cheesy Smothered Meat Patty Meal: Much like a hot dog. Tastes good, but I never want to see the ingredient list. Ever...
Sept 04, 2009 - Smart Ones Creamy Rigatoni with Broccoli & Chicken: A quick note to Fazoli's. Smart Ones makes this meal in a box that gets frozen and shipped cross country, stored at the grocery store and then packed in my freezer. It is weeks or months old. It should not taste better than everything you make. But, it does.
Sept 08, 2009 - Banquet Chicken Fried Chicken Meal: There are pros and cons to this one. On the positive side, it's a fried chicken patty smothered in gravy with a side of mashed taters. On the downside, you should probably not eat this if you are having body image issues. It will not make you feel better. Also, good luck getting the song "Chicken Fried" by the Zac Brown Band out of your head.
Sept 09, 2009 - Smart Ones Lemon Herb Chicken Piccata: "Lemon Herb" is a lot like "ice brewed" or that pleasure stuff they put on Trojans in that it sounds a lot better than the actual finished product. One of the pieces of chicken ended up with a consistency and chewability of what I imagine an Achilles tendon has. Not a good showing.
Sept 10, 2009 - Smart Ones Three Cheese Ziti Marinara: This can be described as a "marginally better Chef Boy-R-Dee Beefaroni." Gotta apologize to this dish, I was in a bad mood when I ate it. I swear to God that my company employs one person to go around when I'm on lunch and clean the bathroom closest to where I am warming up the meal. Me crabby.
Sept 15, 2009 - Smart Ones Swedish Meatballs: This meal reminds me of one of the big unresolved internal conflicts in my life: "Do I like egg noodles or don't I?"
Sept 17, 2009 - No lunch today, just wanted to put Lean Cuisine on blast. So, I'm out at Wal Mart last night acquiring some new fare to write about in this space, and I check a few decent looking Lean Cuisine meals. Checking the nutrition facts on the back, I catch out of the corner of my eye the heating instructions. "Cook on 50% heat for 7 minutes. Stir. Cook for another 3 minutes." Ten minutes!?!?! If I wasn't on salary and had a rigid 30 minute lunch break (which, if my bosses are reading this, I still religiously adhere to 100% of the time), I'd be spending 1/3 of it standing in front of a microwave!?!? Bad form, Lean Cuisine.
Sept 18, 2009 - Tai Pei Sesame Chicken - I am glowing right now. First, it comes in a little container shaped like a Chinese carry out box. Secondly, The heating instructions are basically, put the whole think in the micro, cook for 4 minutes, remove plastic, eat" which is a welcome respite from "slit film, remove film, stir, reapply film, etc..." Finally, it is delicious. Obviously, not "Chinese restaurant good" but definitely "Chinese leftovers good." Bravo!
Sept 22, 2009 - Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup - The old classic NEVER fails to deliver. I became so nostalgic to my youth while eating that I wanted to start an argument with someone about why G.I. Joe's were far superior to Masters of the Universe toys. Then I snapped out of it... but, I'd still have that argument if anyone dares to oppose me.
Sept 29, 2009 - Smart Ones Chicken Enchiladas Suiza - Um... Not my cup of tea, or more accurately, not my cup of "zesty sour cream and green chile sauce with Spanish rice."
Sept 02, 2009 - Banquet Cheesy Smothered Meat Patty Meal: Much like a hot dog. Tastes good, but I never want to see the ingredient list. Ever...
Sept 04, 2009 - Smart Ones Creamy Rigatoni with Broccoli & Chicken: A quick note to Fazoli's. Smart Ones makes this meal in a box that gets frozen and shipped cross country, stored at the grocery store and then packed in my freezer. It is weeks or months old. It should not taste better than everything you make. But, it does.
Sept 08, 2009 - Banquet Chicken Fried Chicken Meal: There are pros and cons to this one. On the positive side, it's a fried chicken patty smothered in gravy with a side of mashed taters. On the downside, you should probably not eat this if you are having body image issues. It will not make you feel better. Also, good luck getting the song "Chicken Fried" by the Zac Brown Band out of your head.
Sept 09, 2009 - Smart Ones Lemon Herb Chicken Piccata: "Lemon Herb" is a lot like "ice brewed" or that pleasure stuff they put on Trojans in that it sounds a lot better than the actual finished product. One of the pieces of chicken ended up with a consistency and chewability of what I imagine an Achilles tendon has. Not a good showing.
Sept 10, 2009 - Smart Ones Three Cheese Ziti Marinara: This can be described as a "marginally better Chef Boy-R-Dee Beefaroni." Gotta apologize to this dish, I was in a bad mood when I ate it. I swear to God that my company employs one person to go around when I'm on lunch and clean the bathroom closest to where I am warming up the meal. Me crabby.
Sept 15, 2009 - Smart Ones Swedish Meatballs: This meal reminds me of one of the big unresolved internal conflicts in my life: "Do I like egg noodles or don't I?"
Sept 17, 2009 - No lunch today, just wanted to put Lean Cuisine on blast. So, I'm out at Wal Mart last night acquiring some new fare to write about in this space, and I check a few decent looking Lean Cuisine meals. Checking the nutrition facts on the back, I catch out of the corner of my eye the heating instructions. "Cook on 50% heat for 7 minutes. Stir. Cook for another 3 minutes." Ten minutes!?!?! If I wasn't on salary and had a rigid 30 minute lunch break (which, if my bosses are reading this, I still religiously adhere to 100% of the time), I'd be spending 1/3 of it standing in front of a microwave!?!? Bad form, Lean Cuisine.
Sept 18, 2009 - Tai Pei Sesame Chicken - I am glowing right now. First, it comes in a little container shaped like a Chinese carry out box. Secondly, The heating instructions are basically, put the whole think in the micro, cook for 4 minutes, remove plastic, eat" which is a welcome respite from "slit film, remove film, stir, reapply film, etc..." Finally, it is delicious. Obviously, not "Chinese restaurant good" but definitely "Chinese leftovers good." Bravo!
Sept 22, 2009 - Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup - The old classic NEVER fails to deliver. I became so nostalgic to my youth while eating that I wanted to start an argument with someone about why G.I. Joe's were far superior to Masters of the Universe toys. Then I snapped out of it... but, I'd still have that argument if anyone dares to oppose me.
Sept 29, 2009 - Smart Ones Chicken Enchiladas Suiza - Um... Not my cup of tea, or more accurately, not my cup of "zesty sour cream and green chile sauce with Spanish rice."
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Randomness, Vol 11
Congrats to Smirnoff Ice for bridging the generation gap. Your commercials, with groups of young people throwing all of their couch cushions into a swimming pool and having a rave in an abandoned gas station that they've painting completely purple, have both me and my father saying, "This is stupid. I don't get this at all."
Reese's has introduced the Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup, answering the age old question, "How could anybody possibly eff up a peanut butter cup?"
However, I feel I do need to pass the word along about a delicious product I tried just the other day. Multi Grain Club Crackers from Keebler. These things are obviously good with cheese or peanut butter whatever you put on your crackers, but I feel, that they can be eaten on their own as well. Don't be disillusioned, they aren't that healthy for you (each cracker is still about 20 calories), but consider picking up a box the next time you visit the grocery, and tell 'em: "Hoss sent ya." And then be prepared to have them look back at you and say, "That's great. Who the hell is Hoss?"
I went to the post office last week because I was out of stamps and had to mail a couple of letters. One of these was a mail in rebate, for which I had to include the UPC code from the back of the household cleaner bottle . According to the postmaster, this was going to require them "to charge me a little bit extra." When I asked for an explanation, I was told, "It's not that it weighs more, it just won't go through our automatic sorters." OK, it costs 44¢ to mail a letter, so I'm figuring this one needs to get the special treatment and is going to cost me another couple of pennies or maybe even a nickel. Nope. TWENTY CENTS. I needed to pay almost 150% of what it costs to mail a normal letter because this UPC is making the envelope bulg a little bit. Between the constant rate hikes and the "20¢ extra if we have to touch it more than once" policies, it's amazing that this entity can lose so much
freakin money. But alas, I am not going to drive the letter to Douglas, AZ myself, so I guess 64¢ isn't such a bad deal after all. And when I get my $2.00 rebate check in the mail (which is now a net of $1.36 after postage), I'm taking all my friends out for drinks! Woo to the hoo!
From the website for the antidepressant, Pristiq:
How does PRISTIQ work?
As an SNRI, PRISTIQ is thought to work by affecting the levels of two neurotransmitters believed to play a key role in depression, serotonin and norepinephrine.
It's thought to work? That is not something I would want to hear if I'm about to start a new drug. Speaking of...
Some insurance plans will require participants to try cheaper alternatives if their doctor prescribes them a particularly expensive drug, sometimes for several months at a time, to prove that the alternatives DON'T work. Basically, you may need to suffer a little longer while the insurer makes certain they can't get you on a Hy-Drox version of the prescription your doctor says you need. While this is terrible, the fact that this includes drugs used to treat DEPRESSION is downright appalling. Do you know what can happen when antidpressants don't work? PEOPLE CAN DIE, ASSHOLES!
Man, if I hear any more versions of the "Five Dollar Foot Long" song, it may begin to get annoying.
Columbia is trying to pitch itself as a vacation destination. No, not the one in South Carolina. Not the "District of..." We're talking about Pablo Escobar's Columbia. This is their slogan: "The only risk is wanting to stay." The US State Department also has some stuff on their website that would work well as slogans: "Small towns and rural areas of Colombia can still be extremely dangerous due to the presence of narco-terrorists." and the catchy: "...criminal organizations continue to kidnap and hold civilians for ransom or as political bargaining chips. No one is immune from kidnapping on the basis of occupation, nationality, or other factors." I think I'll stick to staying in the good ol US of A, thanks.
You all have undoubtedly heard, read, listened to your President scold, etc... Kanye West for his interruption of Taylor Swift accepting an award at MTVs most recent video music awards. Well, I would feel remiss if I didn't give my 2¢:
NATHAN TALKS TO FAMOUS PEOPLE:
"Kanye. What the hell, man? I get it, you think your great and that we all care about what you think. News flash, knucklehead. We don't give a shit. And, I know deep (or maybe not all that deep) down, you're just doing this for attention. Let me tell you about another guy that did stuff for attention. Remember Dennis Rodman? He was the best rebounder on the planet and then decided that he'd also like to develop a "shock-the-world" sort of personality. So, he starts saying stupid things to the media and kicking cameramen and saying more stupid things to the media and the next thing you know, the world stopped caring. "Can you believe what Rodman did, I wonder what he'll do next?" turned to "Well, it's Rodman, so who gives a rat's ass." I'll concede that you've got some talent, so just do your job and don't end up like Dennis Rodman. Unless doing the 2014 equivalent of Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Wrestling in five years appeals to you."
As far as organized crime goes, is there a worse business model than the street gang? Every other criminal is trying to us stealth and deception to mask their illegal activities. Not these geniuses. I'm telling you, watch "Gangland" on A&E sometime and you'll know exactly what I'm talking about.
For example, one gang member they interviewed while serving a life sentence in prison: "Yeah, I got these tats after I got locked up. (They stand for)Money, drugs and gambling. Cause that what I'm all about." Really? Because you're in prison. Doesn't seem like any of those things are in big supply for you. And all of them need to get tattoos that respresent what gang they run with. Smart move. I'm sure it makes it harder for the cops to figure out whether or not to search you for weapons or drugs. (I guarantee you that if I ever get a tattoo, I'll be asking questions like, "This 'flower with a heart behind it' design that I'm getting as a tramp stamp isn't being used by any gangs that you know of, correct?")
One guy I saw on Gangland gets pulled over with a big logo of a large Houston gang on the back window of his truck. Pretty sure members of Al Capone's crew didn't get "Scarface 4 Life" painted on the back of their 1930 v-16 Cadillac's, if you know what I'm saying.
And if you listen to any interview ever done with a gangbanger, they are 100% guaranteed to utter the phrase, "When you in the gang, you a soldier." Not only does that statement sound wicked stupid (and unoriginal, seeing as all of them say it), but it's so offensive to people that actually fight for this country, I don't even know where to begin.
I'm finished,
Nate
Reese's has introduced the Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup, answering the age old question, "How could anybody possibly eff up a peanut butter cup?"
However, I feel I do need to pass the word along about a delicious product I tried just the other day. Multi Grain Club Crackers from Keebler. These things are obviously good with cheese or peanut butter whatever you put on your crackers, but I feel, that they can be eaten on their own as well. Don't be disillusioned, they aren't that healthy for you (each cracker is still about 20 calories), but consider picking up a box the next time you visit the grocery, and tell 'em: "Hoss sent ya." And then be prepared to have them look back at you and say, "That's great. Who the hell is Hoss?"
I went to the post office last week because I was out of stamps and had to mail a couple of letters. One of these was a mail in rebate, for which I had to include the UPC code from the back of the household cleaner bottle . According to the postmaster, this was going to require them "to charge me a little bit extra." When I asked for an explanation, I was told, "It's not that it weighs more, it just won't go through our automatic sorters." OK, it costs 44¢ to mail a letter, so I'm figuring this one needs to get the special treatment and is going to cost me another couple of pennies or maybe even a nickel. Nope. TWENTY CENTS. I needed to pay almost 150% of what it costs to mail a normal letter because this UPC is making the envelope bulg a little bit. Between the constant rate hikes and the "20¢ extra if we have to touch it more than once" policies, it's amazing that this entity can lose so much
freakin money. But alas, I am not going to drive the letter to Douglas, AZ myself, so I guess 64¢ isn't such a bad deal after all. And when I get my $2.00 rebate check in the mail (which is now a net of $1.36 after postage), I'm taking all my friends out for drinks! Woo to the hoo!
From the website for the antidepressant, Pristiq:
How does PRISTIQ work?
As an SNRI, PRISTIQ is thought to work by affecting the levels of two neurotransmitters believed to play a key role in depression, serotonin and norepinephrine.
It's thought to work? That is not something I would want to hear if I'm about to start a new drug. Speaking of...
Some insurance plans will require participants to try cheaper alternatives if their doctor prescribes them a particularly expensive drug, sometimes for several months at a time, to prove that the alternatives DON'T work. Basically, you may need to suffer a little longer while the insurer makes certain they can't get you on a Hy-Drox version of the prescription your doctor says you need. While this is terrible, the fact that this includes drugs used to treat DEPRESSION is downright appalling. Do you know what can happen when antidpressants don't work? PEOPLE CAN DIE, ASSHOLES!
Man, if I hear any more versions of the "Five Dollar Foot Long" song, it may begin to get annoying.
Columbia is trying to pitch itself as a vacation destination. No, not the one in South Carolina. Not the "District of..." We're talking about Pablo Escobar's Columbia. This is their slogan: "The only risk is wanting to stay." The US State Department also has some stuff on their website that would work well as slogans: "Small towns and rural areas of Colombia can still be extremely dangerous due to the presence of narco-terrorists." and the catchy: "...criminal organizations continue to kidnap and hold civilians for ransom or as political bargaining chips. No one is immune from kidnapping on the basis of occupation, nationality, or other factors." I think I'll stick to staying in the good ol US of A, thanks.
You all have undoubtedly heard, read, listened to your President scold, etc... Kanye West for his interruption of Taylor Swift accepting an award at MTVs most recent video music awards. Well, I would feel remiss if I didn't give my 2¢:
NATHAN TALKS TO FAMOUS PEOPLE:
"Kanye. What the hell, man? I get it, you think your great and that we all care about what you think. News flash, knucklehead. We don't give a shit. And, I know deep (or maybe not all that deep) down, you're just doing this for attention. Let me tell you about another guy that did stuff for attention. Remember Dennis Rodman? He was the best rebounder on the planet and then decided that he'd also like to develop a "shock-the-world" sort of personality. So, he starts saying stupid things to the media and kicking cameramen and saying more stupid things to the media and the next thing you know, the world stopped caring. "Can you believe what Rodman did, I wonder what he'll do next?" turned to "Well, it's Rodman, so who gives a rat's ass." I'll concede that you've got some talent, so just do your job and don't end up like Dennis Rodman. Unless doing the 2014 equivalent of Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Wrestling in five years appeals to you."
As far as organized crime goes, is there a worse business model than the street gang? Every other criminal is trying to us stealth and deception to mask their illegal activities. Not these geniuses. I'm telling you, watch "Gangland" on A&E sometime and you'll know exactly what I'm talking about.
For example, one gang member they interviewed while serving a life sentence in prison: "Yeah, I got these tats after I got locked up. (They stand for)Money, drugs and gambling. Cause that what I'm all about." Really? Because you're in prison. Doesn't seem like any of those things are in big supply for you. And all of them need to get tattoos that respresent what gang they run with. Smart move. I'm sure it makes it harder for the cops to figure out whether or not to search you for weapons or drugs. (I guarantee you that if I ever get a tattoo, I'll be asking questions like, "This 'flower with a heart behind it' design that I'm getting as a tramp stamp isn't being used by any gangs that you know of, correct?")
One guy I saw on Gangland gets pulled over with a big logo of a large Houston gang on the back window of his truck. Pretty sure members of Al Capone's crew didn't get "Scarface 4 Life" painted on the back of their 1930 v-16 Cadillac's, if you know what I'm saying.
And if you listen to any interview ever done with a gangbanger, they are 100% guaranteed to utter the phrase, "When you in the gang, you a soldier." Not only does that statement sound wicked stupid (and unoriginal, seeing as all of them say it), but it's so offensive to people that actually fight for this country, I don't even know where to begin.
I'm finished,
Nate
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Randomness, Vol 10
Has there been a more useless invention in our lifetime than the third window at the drive thru that is never used for anything other than storing boxes? Someone had a great idea back in the mid 90s to have two separate windows, one where you pay and one where you pick up your food. Some guy name Frank probably didn't have anything to contribute in that meeting, but didn't want to come off as uncreative, so he added "If one extra window is good, why not a second one?" Good work, Frank.
When the Vikings were flying Brett Favre up to Minnesota yesterday, do you thing they opened the hatch somewhere around Sun Prairie so he could take an actual dump on Wisconsin at the same time he was dropping a big, steaming metaphorical pile on the state?
"Give a hoot - don't pollute." Really, Woodsy Owl? Smokey the Bear and McGruff the Crime Dog must make fun of him mercilessly behind his back for that catchphrase. They have to be calling him Woodsy the Cable Guy when he's not around, no?
The Cassini spacecraft found evidence of liquid water on one of the moons of Saturn. Sweet. Can we live there? No? Moving on.
Can someone explain to me what the hell is going on with bubble gum flavors? Savage Sour Apple? Sour Double Berry? The seven different varieties that incorporate the unholy artificial watermelon flavor? Bubble Yum makes a flavor that is supposed to taste like... ready to hurl?... Hershey's chocolate. Look, Bubblicious used to make a flavor called Cherry Cola and it was fan-freakin-tastic. You bring that back, give me some Paradise Punch to go with it, maybe some Gonzo Grape for when I'm feeling frisky and call it a day. I don't need gum to taste like mango, OK?
I find it hard to believe that in 2009, they still sell ties with cartoon characters on them. The cartoon tie says, "I know how to dress professionally, but as you can tell by the drawing of Foghorn Leghorn on my tie, I can not, I say, can not be taken seriously."
How simple do we need to make pregnancy tests? There is one on the market now that gives a digital readout that spells out "pregnant" or "not pregnant". They claim that studies show a high percentage of tests are misread. Really?!?! Are these people taking the test out of the box and immediately shredding the instructions? I'm sure most of us have been on the business end of waiting for the results of a pregnancy test at one point or another. It's not something where you want to try winging it. Just sayin.
Anyone that spends any amount of time devising a plan to lay a finger on someone else's Butterfinger needs to:
a) seriously re-evaluate their priorities in life
b) maybe clean out the ashtray in their car and make a trip to the vending machine.
Don't you feel that horror movies have become much less plausible since the advent of cell phones?
Toyota has a commercial where a lady is carrying a couple bags of groceries, talking on a cell phone and inadvertently pulls the door handle off of her dilapidated vehicle. The commercial suggests that this would be a perfect time for her to take advantage of the "cash for clunkers" program. Hey, Toyota? I'm guessing that someone driving a 1983 RAV4 might not have the economic resources to be in the market for a new Highlander Hybrid.
- The redbox kiosk is a genius idea. Rent new releases for a dollar a night while you're going into the grocery store? Yeah, OK.
- Netflix is also a genius idea. Make a list of movies you want to see, watch one, send it back, rinse, repeat.
So, when Hollywood studios gets involved, you just know they are going to take two ingenious ideas and eff them up as bad as they can. Warner Bros joined Fox and Universal by announcing plans to not provide new releases to redbox or Netflix until 28 days after they are released to the public (at Best Buy, for example.) The argument is that the low cost rentals are a major contributing factor to slumping DVD sales. This can all be avoided of course, as long as the rental outfits agree to share rental revenues. I think a lawyer for Warner Bros was actually quoted saying, "Give us more money, buddy!"
So, basically the studios had agreed to sell the DVDs wholesale to redbox back when it first came out, then the economy tanked and people stopped buying DVDs, so the studios feel that this climate no longer suits them and they want to change the game. They came out with a better way to distribute your product, assholes! Nobody buys DVDs any more because, a) people are friggin broke and b) DVDs are wicked expensive. There's no way I'm buying a DVD right now unless its something I'm straight up positive I'm going to watch a bunch of times (like "Watchmen" or "Wild Things 3: Diamonds in the Rough"). I'm not going to go pull out $20 to go to the big box store and pick up a copy of "Obsessed" (despite a guaranteed chick fight between Ali Larter and Beyonce.) So, enjoy Netflix and redbox as they are now, because I'm sure that in the end they will come to some sort of profit sharing agreement which will inevitably mean higher prices for the consumers.
I'm finished,
Nate
When the Vikings were flying Brett Favre up to Minnesota yesterday, do you thing they opened the hatch somewhere around Sun Prairie so he could take an actual dump on Wisconsin at the same time he was dropping a big, steaming metaphorical pile on the state?
"Give a hoot - don't pollute." Really, Woodsy Owl? Smokey the Bear and McGruff the Crime Dog must make fun of him mercilessly behind his back for that catchphrase. They have to be calling him Woodsy the Cable Guy when he's not around, no?
The Cassini spacecraft found evidence of liquid water on one of the moons of Saturn. Sweet. Can we live there? No? Moving on.
Can someone explain to me what the hell is going on with bubble gum flavors? Savage Sour Apple? Sour Double Berry? The seven different varieties that incorporate the unholy artificial watermelon flavor? Bubble Yum makes a flavor that is supposed to taste like... ready to hurl?... Hershey's chocolate. Look, Bubblicious used to make a flavor called Cherry Cola and it was fan-freakin-tastic. You bring that back, give me some Paradise Punch to go with it, maybe some Gonzo Grape for when I'm feeling frisky and call it a day. I don't need gum to taste like mango, OK?
I find it hard to believe that in 2009, they still sell ties with cartoon characters on them. The cartoon tie says, "I know how to dress professionally, but as you can tell by the drawing of Foghorn Leghorn on my tie, I can not, I say, can not be taken seriously."
How simple do we need to make pregnancy tests? There is one on the market now that gives a digital readout that spells out "pregnant" or "not pregnant". They claim that studies show a high percentage of tests are misread. Really?!?! Are these people taking the test out of the box and immediately shredding the instructions? I'm sure most of us have been on the business end of waiting for the results of a pregnancy test at one point or another. It's not something where you want to try winging it. Just sayin.
Anyone that spends any amount of time devising a plan to lay a finger on someone else's Butterfinger needs to:
a) seriously re-evaluate their priorities in life
b) maybe clean out the ashtray in their car and make a trip to the vending machine.
Don't you feel that horror movies have become much less plausible since the advent of cell phones?
Toyota has a commercial where a lady is carrying a couple bags of groceries, talking on a cell phone and inadvertently pulls the door handle off of her dilapidated vehicle. The commercial suggests that this would be a perfect time for her to take advantage of the "cash for clunkers" program. Hey, Toyota? I'm guessing that someone driving a 1983 RAV4 might not have the economic resources to be in the market for a new Highlander Hybrid.
- The redbox kiosk is a genius idea. Rent new releases for a dollar a night while you're going into the grocery store? Yeah, OK.
- Netflix is also a genius idea. Make a list of movies you want to see, watch one, send it back, rinse, repeat.
So, when Hollywood studios gets involved, you just know they are going to take two ingenious ideas and eff them up as bad as they can. Warner Bros joined Fox and Universal by announcing plans to not provide new releases to redbox or Netflix until 28 days after they are released to the public (at Best Buy, for example.) The argument is that the low cost rentals are a major contributing factor to slumping DVD sales. This can all be avoided of course, as long as the rental outfits agree to share rental revenues. I think a lawyer for Warner Bros was actually quoted saying, "Give us more money, buddy!"
So, basically the studios had agreed to sell the DVDs wholesale to redbox back when it first came out, then the economy tanked and people stopped buying DVDs, so the studios feel that this climate no longer suits them and they want to change the game. They came out with a better way to distribute your product, assholes! Nobody buys DVDs any more because, a) people are friggin broke and b) DVDs are wicked expensive. There's no way I'm buying a DVD right now unless its something I'm straight up positive I'm going to watch a bunch of times (like "Watchmen" or "Wild Things 3: Diamonds in the Rough"). I'm not going to go pull out $20 to go to the big box store and pick up a copy of "Obsessed" (despite a guaranteed chick fight between Ali Larter and Beyonce.) So, enjoy Netflix and redbox as they are now, because I'm sure that in the end they will come to some sort of profit sharing agreement which will inevitably mean higher prices for the consumers.
I'm finished,
Nate
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
You're Better Than That, Vol 2
A guy in Joliet, IL will have been in jail for 21 days by this Thursday for being a disruptive spectator in a courtroom. Now, the defendant claims that his cousin was only "yawning" when he was locked up on contempt charges. The prosecutor claims that it was a "...boisterous, deliberate attempt on the part of this individual to disrupt the proceedings." Let's say the truth is somewhere in between and maybe the needle points a little bit more to the prosecution's recollection of events. Twenty-one days?!?!?! That's three weeks!!!!
I get that we need order and structure in our court system, I really do. But, don't they have people they can call in an effin courthouse to remove someone who is being disruptive, and oh by the way not on trial for anything? Is that not possible? Even Judge Judy has a bailiff! There's a guy named Judge "Extreme" Akim on syndicated television that has an enforcer named Big Sugar Ray Phillips to keep order in his court. What the hell is this judge's deal?
Notice the statement from the prosecutor didn't mention anything like "After repeated warnings..."? Did the guy get told to sit down and shut up a few times, or was it more like, "Hey, you! The one that was boisterous just now, for the first time today. I have a zero tolerance policy for ballyhoo in my court! You're going to county, end of discussion."? Of course, we don't know any of these details, because it's a bare bones AP story, which leaves the door open for people like me to make their own inferences about it.
The man may get out on Thursday if "he apologizes and the judge accepts." Serious? He has to apologize to a judge that made him spend three weeks in jail? Like I said, I have respect for the law and the order of the courtroom. However, unless you threatened to kill somebody or exclaimed something really inflammatory, like "I think Tyler Perry needs to make more 'Madea' movies" or "I can't believe how 'fat' Kelly Clarkson is", I think three weeks is a sufficient punishment. In the spirit of stark contrast, let us not forget that NFL receiver Donte Stallworth just recently completed a 24 day prison sentence for DUI AND MANSLAUGHTER!!! After three weeks, I don't think this man (as disruptive as he may have been) needs to apologize to anyone.
So I say to you, Will County Judge Daniel Rozak...
You're better than that.
Nate
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090812/ap_on_fe_st/us_odd_jailed_for_yawning
I get that we need order and structure in our court system, I really do. But, don't they have people they can call in an effin courthouse to remove someone who is being disruptive, and oh by the way not on trial for anything? Is that not possible? Even Judge Judy has a bailiff! There's a guy named Judge "Extreme" Akim on syndicated television that has an enforcer named Big Sugar Ray Phillips to keep order in his court. What the hell is this judge's deal?
Notice the statement from the prosecutor didn't mention anything like "After repeated warnings..."? Did the guy get told to sit down and shut up a few times, or was it more like, "Hey, you! The one that was boisterous just now, for the first time today. I have a zero tolerance policy for ballyhoo in my court! You're going to county, end of discussion."? Of course, we don't know any of these details, because it's a bare bones AP story, which leaves the door open for people like me to make their own inferences about it.
The man may get out on Thursday if "he apologizes and the judge accepts." Serious? He has to apologize to a judge that made him spend three weeks in jail? Like I said, I have respect for the law and the order of the courtroom. However, unless you threatened to kill somebody or exclaimed something really inflammatory, like "I think Tyler Perry needs to make more 'Madea' movies" or "I can't believe how 'fat' Kelly Clarkson is", I think three weeks is a sufficient punishment. In the spirit of stark contrast, let us not forget that NFL receiver Donte Stallworth just recently completed a 24 day prison sentence for DUI AND MANSLAUGHTER!!! After three weeks, I don't think this man (as disruptive as he may have been) needs to apologize to anyone.
So I say to you, Will County Judge Daniel Rozak...
You're better than that.
Nate
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
You're Better Than That, Vol 1
It's amazing how some people stop maturing somewhere around age thirteen. I love to listen to sports talk. Always have, always will. I once stayed on hold on Sporting News Radio for 30 minutes just so I could listen to a show one night (after the only talk radio station in Marquette changed formats and decided they'd rather carry some whack job that talked to callers about UFOs and government conspiracies than sports. That stuff is entertaining when it's the X-Files. When it's Hank calling in from Missoula, Montana? Not so much.) I didn't have a question, I just had unlimited weekend minutes and wanted to listen to the show while I was on hold. I love sports talk.
Today is a golden era in the format. You can get live internet radio feeds from across the country and of course, a podcast for whatever you're into. Unfortunately, this brings out a lot of morons as well. A couple of weeks back, I wanted to keep up on what the Red Sox might be doing nearing the trading deadline. I downloaded a couple of podcasts and on one of them, they were reading emails from listeners about what moves the BoSox should make. Oh, good God.
One of the emails suggested that they bring in movie starlet Megan Fox. Her contribution to the team would be to "motivate" by providing the players with some good ol fashion fellation before the games. Of course, Sully McDipshit's email was not quite as elegant as what I just wrote.
Now, not only is this offensive to Ms. Fox (like she could give a shit), it is 100x more offensive to me as a listener. Is it too much to assume that the adult (key word) hosts of a podcast would try to present themselves with a little more maturity? I guess. Maybe I live in a bubble that is "too PC" and I overreact sometimes to things that are blatantly abhorrent, juvenile and unfunny.
But, come on. Podcast hosts, sports fans and just men in general.
You're better than that.
Nate
Today is a golden era in the format. You can get live internet radio feeds from across the country and of course, a podcast for whatever you're into. Unfortunately, this brings out a lot of morons as well. A couple of weeks back, I wanted to keep up on what the Red Sox might be doing nearing the trading deadline. I downloaded a couple of podcasts and on one of them, they were reading emails from listeners about what moves the BoSox should make. Oh, good God.
One of the emails suggested that they bring in movie starlet Megan Fox. Her contribution to the team would be to "motivate" by providing the players with some good ol fashion fellation before the games. Of course, Sully McDipshit's email was not quite as elegant as what I just wrote.
Now, not only is this offensive to Ms. Fox (like she could give a shit), it is 100x more offensive to me as a listener. Is it too much to assume that the adult (key word) hosts of a podcast would try to present themselves with a little more maturity? I guess. Maybe I live in a bubble that is "too PC" and I overreact sometimes to things that are blatantly abhorrent, juvenile and unfunny.
But, come on. Podcast hosts, sports fans and just men in general.
You're better than that.
Nate
Sunday, August 02, 2009
Randomness, Vol 9
Michelle Kwan will not compete in the next Olympics because she is "like 100 years old in female Olympian years." Kwan received a medical exemption after not qualifying for the last Olympics and has not competed internationally since then, so the fact that she is not giving it a go in 2010 comes as quite a shock to me. "...The lack of Olympic golds will be a bittersweet footnote in the career of Michelle Kwan." Will it really? Ask any sports fan you know: "Remember Olympic gold medalist Michelle Kwan?" and I guarantee you that less than 1 person out of 100 will answer, "Wait, she never won an Olympic gold medal! Stupid poser."
Because this is apparently a figure skating heavy post, someone who stole not only the show, but the heart of yours truly at the 2006 Winter Games in Torino was one half of the skating duo Belbin/Agosto, the lovely Tanith Belbin. I feel it was probably the luscious blond hair and infectious smile that sucked me in. For some reason however, I think I remember a slightly curvier version of her. Here she is in a recent photo shoot, doing her best impression of a fence post... or paddle from the game "Pong".
Really, you're surprised that a program that basically offered people $4500 off the price of a new car was popular? Really? The redonkadonk thing about this was that I saw a news story late last week where they very matter-of-factly claimed that the cash for clunkers program was woefully underfunded. So, the Fox 11 News and I knew this thing was doomed late last week and Congress didn't?
Could I interest you in a story about a guy that let 2,000 malaria infected mosquitoes bite him? Apparently, these scientists have decided that the best way to develop a vaccine for malaria is to have a bunch of mosquitoes bite test subject, with some of them acquiring "full blown grade 3" malaria. These guys sound less like researchers and more like Bond Villains.
The city of Los Angeles recently bounced $6M worth of checks. You hear that Econo Foods in Marquette, MI back in 2001? The second largest city in the U.S. bounces checks, why you gotta make a big to do about me accidentally NSF'ing a $27.52 check for Top Ramen, Stove Top Stuffing and Arm & Hammer PeroxiCare Toothpaste? (OK, you got me. It was probably for Busch Light and Captain Morgan.)
OK, I was wrong about Twitter... kinda. You probably see the many different news outlets that you can now follow on Twitter as well as almost every celebrity and half-a-celebrity on the planet. It may not necessarily be a great social networking site, rather a change in the way we digest information, I don't know. As an example, I learned about the death of Michael Jackson from Matthew Berry, who is a fantasy baseball analyst for ESPN via Twitter. "Wow. Crazy sad day. RIP Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcet, Blake Griffin." - TheRealTMR It was the first major story that I didn't learn about via TV, radio, Internet or word of mouth. I got a tweet on my cell phone. Do I think it can still be valuable for comedy? Of course. Some examples:
"Thought to fix the economy: Stop making pennies. They have to cost more than one cent each to make, don't they?" - clubtrillion
"Me during Bachelor: "Can't believe she went with EdCan'tGetABoner." SGal: "Oh, I think he got one." - sportsguy33
"For one brief moment, I whimsied LiveTweeting heavy petting w/wife. I stared into the abyss and it said "No, Kev. Just... no." - ThatKevinSmith
The movie The Ugly Truth came out last weekend. The set up to the story is that Katherine Heigl is a stuffy producer of a talk show who is looking for Mr Right. Her life is suddenly intruded on by a swaggering, sexist on-air talent in the perfectly sculpted form of Gerard Butler. These two really do not like each other. But for some reason, he is willing to help her try to make a lasting connection with the man of her dreams. You know, call me crazy, but it seems if he could change some of his ways and she could be a little less uptight, that these two could actually work as a couple. Maybe they would find out that they aren't so different after all. The idea is far fetched, to be sure. I guess you could just call me a sucker for the improbable scenario of opposites attracting in a romantic comedy.
"Your best friend Harry has a brother Larry/
In five days from now he's gonna marry/
He's hopin you can make it there if you can/
'Cause in the ceremony you'll be the best man"
- Young MC, "Bust a Move"
Couple of things:
a) I've only passively watched these wedding shows on TLC channel, but I'm pretty sure "best man" combined with "hope you can make it" would not fly with even the most passive of Bridezillas.
b) You should probably give the best man more than FIVE DAYS NOTICE that you're getting married. What if he had a non-refundable ticket for a Caribbean vacation? What do you say then? "Well, I was hoping you could make it there, but no big whoop?" Absurd.
c) Why is "best friend Harry" even mentioned? It just seems it would be easier to say "your friend Larry." I suspect Harry is not even a legitimate best friend and his name is merely mentioned to fit the rhyme scheme. Harry may not even really exist. I have my doubts.
The bottom line is, "Young MC is insulting your intelligence."
During a show about energy conservation this week, I saw a scientist explaining that the one major drawback of solar power is that it is very expensive. Yeah, and so were cell phones at one point, but now you can buy them at the freakin' gas station! Get on it, people!!!!
Holy crap, does District 9 look effin amazing.
People should not be able to use the word "moot" unless they can prove their ability to use it properly. Here's some help:
moot: of little or no practical value or meaning; purely academic
mute: something you do to the TV when the Heidi Montag music video comes on
The Sunday Detroit Free Press. $2.50 for six sections about the most depressing place in the United States. "Hey, I dropped half a Lincoln this morning to find out that that three quarters of the Detroit city council owes back property taxes. Awesome way to start my Sunday!"
I'm finished,
Nate
Because this is apparently a figure skating heavy post, someone who stole not only the show, but the heart of yours truly at the 2006 Winter Games in Torino was one half of the skating duo Belbin/Agosto, the lovely Tanith Belbin. I feel it was probably the luscious blond hair and infectious smile that sucked me in. For some reason however, I think I remember a slightly curvier version of her. Here she is in a recent photo shoot, doing her best impression of a fence post... or paddle from the game "Pong".
Really, you're surprised that a program that basically offered people $4500 off the price of a new car was popular? Really? The redonkadonk thing about this was that I saw a news story late last week where they very matter-of-factly claimed that the cash for clunkers program was woefully underfunded. So, the Fox 11 News and I knew this thing was doomed late last week and Congress didn't?
Could I interest you in a story about a guy that let 2,000 malaria infected mosquitoes bite him? Apparently, these scientists have decided that the best way to develop a vaccine for malaria is to have a bunch of mosquitoes bite test subject, with some of them acquiring "full blown grade 3" malaria. These guys sound less like researchers and more like Bond Villains.
The city of Los Angeles recently bounced $6M worth of checks. You hear that Econo Foods in Marquette, MI back in 2001? The second largest city in the U.S. bounces checks, why you gotta make a big to do about me accidentally NSF'ing a $27.52 check for Top Ramen, Stove Top Stuffing and Arm & Hammer PeroxiCare Toothpaste? (OK, you got me. It was probably for Busch Light and Captain Morgan.)
OK, I was wrong about Twitter... kinda. You probably see the many different news outlets that you can now follow on Twitter as well as almost every celebrity and half-a-celebrity on the planet. It may not necessarily be a great social networking site, rather a change in the way we digest information, I don't know. As an example, I learned about the death of Michael Jackson from Matthew Berry, who is a fantasy baseball analyst for ESPN via Twitter. "Wow. Crazy sad day. RIP Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcet, Blake Griffin." - TheRealTMR It was the first major story that I didn't learn about via TV, radio, Internet or word of mouth. I got a tweet on my cell phone. Do I think it can still be valuable for comedy? Of course. Some examples:
"Thought to fix the economy: Stop making pennies. They have to cost more than one cent each to make, don't they?" - clubtrillion
"Me during Bachelor: "Can't believe she went with EdCan'tGetABoner." SGal: "Oh, I think he got one." - sportsguy33
"For one brief moment, I whimsied LiveTweeting heavy petting w/wife. I stared into the abyss and it said "No, Kev. Just... no." - ThatKevinSmith
The movie The Ugly Truth came out last weekend. The set up to the story is that Katherine Heigl is a stuffy producer of a talk show who is looking for Mr Right. Her life is suddenly intruded on by a swaggering, sexist on-air talent in the perfectly sculpted form of Gerard Butler. These two really do not like each other. But for some reason, he is willing to help her try to make a lasting connection with the man of her dreams. You know, call me crazy, but it seems if he could change some of his ways and she could be a little less uptight, that these two could actually work as a couple. Maybe they would find out that they aren't so different after all. The idea is far fetched, to be sure. I guess you could just call me a sucker for the improbable scenario of opposites attracting in a romantic comedy.
"Your best friend Harry has a brother Larry/
In five days from now he's gonna marry/
He's hopin you can make it there if you can/
'Cause in the ceremony you'll be the best man"
- Young MC, "Bust a Move"
Couple of things:
a) I've only passively watched these wedding shows on TLC channel, but I'm pretty sure "best man" combined with "hope you can make it" would not fly with even the most passive of Bridezillas.
b) You should probably give the best man more than FIVE DAYS NOTICE that you're getting married. What if he had a non-refundable ticket for a Caribbean vacation? What do you say then? "Well, I was hoping you could make it there, but no big whoop?" Absurd.
c) Why is "best friend Harry" even mentioned? It just seems it would be easier to say "your friend Larry." I suspect Harry is not even a legitimate best friend and his name is merely mentioned to fit the rhyme scheme. Harry may not even really exist. I have my doubts.
The bottom line is, "Young MC is insulting your intelligence."
During a show about energy conservation this week, I saw a scientist explaining that the one major drawback of solar power is that it is very expensive. Yeah, and so were cell phones at one point, but now you can buy them at the freakin' gas station! Get on it, people!!!!
Holy crap, does District 9 look effin amazing.
People should not be able to use the word "moot" unless they can prove their ability to use it properly. Here's some help:
moot: of little or no practical value or meaning; purely academic
mute: something you do to the TV when the Heidi Montag music video comes on
The Sunday Detroit Free Press. $2.50 for six sections about the most depressing place in the United States. "Hey, I dropped half a Lincoln this morning to find out that that three quarters of the Detroit city council owes back property taxes. Awesome way to start my Sunday!"
I'm finished,
Nate
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Randomness, Vol 8
Someday (obviously long after I'm done working for Sue and Amy and the whole TFL family), I'm going to get high on the reefer and contemplate things like, "The Universe has no edge and no center." Thanks, PBS.
(Guy brings a case of MGD 64 up to the counter.)
Cashier: "Oh, MGD 64. I love this stuff. It's perfect for me, because I don't like the taste of beer."
I cannot describe it any better. It's beer for people that don't like the taste and inebriating effects that beer provides.
So apparently, you can act a fool and not cooperate with a police officer as long as you're a black Harvard professor and can blame it on racial profiling.
When accepting an ESPY Award recently, Michael Phelps said that he couldn't have won the 4 x 100 freestyle relay at the Beijing Olympics without the other three members of the team. In case you were wondering how a relay team worked.
As funny as the Miller High Life commercials are, they are getting absurd from a believability standpoint. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that the VIP sections ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_lS9T99guQU ) of hot nightclubs are not frequented by people who drink the stuff. I don't think TMZ is ever going to post pictures of Lindsey Lohan slamming the "Champagne of Beers" at Body English in Vegas. Just sayin.
So, I woke up early for work one morning last week... like TWO HOURS early. While flipping through the channels I passed MTV and was blindsided by what may be the most ridiculous music video of all time. ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hb0KowdtK6Y ) I have a great appreciation for for the female form and the breasts that come with it, but even I thought this was gratuitous.
Domino's American Legends. Finally, the genius of the best and brightest culinary minds from around the country is seamlessly fused with really bad pizza.
If you've got some free time on your hands and are looking for a little free entertainment, maybe give a listen to the Adam Carolla podcast. I would describe it as "refreshingly irreverent."
http://www.adamcarolla.com
iTunes ( http://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?id=306390087 )
Every 5 years, we need the song "Here Comes the Hotstepper" by Ini Kamoze reintroduced to prominence in our everyday lives. I dare you to disagree with me... ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3uZhh4HpKI ) This might replace "The Final Countdown" someday as the song I want to walk down the aisle to.
Microsoft released their new online search engine Bing last month. Were there people out there that Google wasn't good enough for? If someone were to ask you, "You know how stuff is hard to find on the Internet?" wouldn't your immediate response be, "Um, no."
Whatever happened to skywriting? You know planes that would write things with exhaust in the sky, like: "KRSTEN WILL YOU MARRY ME?" (Not the strongest speller, that one.) I just assumed from watching Looney Tunes when I was a kid that skywriting would be a regular form of communication when I got older. Nope. I think I saw a plane do it once when I was 10 years old at County Stadium in Milwaukee. Not sure what he was spelling, because the first letter had disappeared by the time he got to the fourth letter. I guess it isn't a good form of communication after all. Thank God for texting.
Former NFL player Korey Stringer died about 8 years ago from heatstroke while practicing in the middle of the hot Minnesota summer. For a long time there has been debate about the safety of making football players practice in sweltering heat, and his death was for sure a tragedy. Flash forward to 2009, where a judge has OK'd a lawsuit to go to trial in which his family is suing Riddell, the company that made his helmet and shoulder pads.
W.
T.
F.
?
"A federal judge in Ohio concluded that manufacturer Riddell Inc. had a duty to warn Stringer that its helmets and shoulder pads could contribute to heat stroke when used in hot conditions." Apparently the judge motioned to the bailiff to remove common sense from the courtroom that day, because I'm failing to see how any of this could be Riddell's fault. You really have to warn people about this? You know what else contributes to heat stroke? Practicing football in the middle of the effin summer!!!
The family's lawyer was happy about the decision because it helps to "make sure what happened to Korey doesn't happen to any other football player -- from the National Football League all the way down to kids in Pop Warner. This decision should go a long way to ensure it doesn't." Um, NO IT WON'T, jackass! You mean to tell me that if Riddell puts big warnings on it's equipment, no one will ever die from heatstroke again during football practice? OK, stick with that story. What else does this decision "ensure"? It probably ensures your client is going to make a monetary settlement out of court with Riddell and you can go ahead and get your direct deposit information out.
So, as a public service, I am going to warn people about some other products that could be potentially harmful:
I'm finished,
Nate
(Guy brings a case of MGD 64 up to the counter.)
Cashier: "Oh, MGD 64. I love this stuff. It's perfect for me, because I don't like the taste of beer."
I cannot describe it any better. It's beer for people that don't like the taste and inebriating effects that beer provides.
So apparently, you can act a fool and not cooperate with a police officer as long as you're a black Harvard professor and can blame it on racial profiling.
When accepting an ESPY Award recently, Michael Phelps said that he couldn't have won the 4 x 100 freestyle relay at the Beijing Olympics without the other three members of the team. In case you were wondering how a relay team worked.
As funny as the Miller High Life commercials are, they are getting absurd from a believability standpoint. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that the VIP sections ( http://www.youtube.com/wat
So, I woke up early for work one morning last week... like TWO HOURS early. While flipping through the channels I passed MTV and was blindsided by what may be the most ridiculous music video of all time. ( http://www.youtube.com/wat
Domino's American Legends. Finally, the genius of the best and brightest culinary minds from around the country is seamlessly fused with really bad pizza.
If you've got some free time on your hands and are looking for a little free entertainment, maybe give a listen to the Adam Carolla podcast. I would describe it as "refreshingly irreverent."
http://www.adamcarolla.com
iTunes ( http://itunes.apple.com/We
Every 5 years, we need the song "Here Comes the Hotstepper" by Ini Kamoze reintroduced to prominence in our everyday lives. I dare you to disagree with me... ( http://www.youtube.com/wat
Microsoft released their new online search engine Bing last month. Were there people out there that Google wasn't good enough for? If someone were to ask you, "You know how stuff is hard to find on the Internet?" wouldn't your immediate response be, "Um, no."
Whatever happened to skywriting? You know planes that would write things with exhaust in the sky, like: "KRSTEN WILL YOU MARRY ME?" (Not the strongest speller, that one.) I just assumed from watching Looney Tunes when I was a kid that skywriting would be a regular form of communication when I got older. Nope. I think I saw a plane do it once when I was 10 years old at County Stadium in Milwaukee. Not sure what he was spelling, because the first letter had disappeared by the time he got to the fourth letter. I guess it isn't a good form of communication after all. Thank God for texting.
Former NFL player Korey Stringer died about 8 years ago from heatstroke while practicing in the middle of the hot Minnesota summer. For a long time there has been debate about the safety of making football players practice in sweltering heat, and his death was for sure a tragedy. Flash forward to 2009, where a judge has OK'd a lawsuit to go to trial in which his family is suing Riddell, the company that made his helmet and shoulder pads.
W.
T.
F.
?
"A federal judge in Ohio concluded that manufacturer Riddell Inc. had a duty to warn Stringer that its helmets and shoulder pads could contribute to heat stroke when used in hot conditions." Apparently the judge motioned to the bailiff to remove common sense from the courtroom that day, because I'm failing to see how any of this could be Riddell's fault. You really have to warn people about this? You know what else contributes to heat stroke? Practicing football in the middle of the effin summer!!!
The family's lawyer was happy about the decision because it helps to "make sure what happened to Korey doesn't happen to any other football player -- from the National Football League all the way down to kids in Pop Warner. This decision should go a long way to ensure it doesn't." Um, NO IT WON'T, jackass! You mean to tell me that if Riddell puts big warnings on it's equipment, no one will ever die from heatstroke again during football practice? OK, stick with that story. What else does this decision "ensure"? It probably ensures your client is going to make a monetary settlement out of court with Riddell and you can go ahead and get your direct deposit information out.
So, as a public service, I am going to warn people about some other products that could be potentially harmful:
- Wearing a Cabela's GORE-TEX MT050 Extreme Weather 7-in-1 Parka in the middle of Death Valley National Park in August may cause heatstroke and possibly death.
- If you drive a 2010 Mercury Milan Hybrid into a wall at 55 mph, it may cause great bodily harm and possibly death.
- Standing by a wall and having someone throw an Old Hickory 7" Carbon Steel Butcher Knife at you from across the room may cause deep gashes in the torso and possibly death.
- Using a Twin Peaks BX sleeping bag from The North Face could be hazardous to your health... when used next to a bear den and filled with salmon.
I'm finished,
Nate
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Randomness, Vol 7
In the 2006 movie "Idiocracy", the hero is transported hundreds of years into the future where society has been severely dumbed down by centuries of stupid people reproducing at higher rates than the educated. The most popular show in this future is a Jackass type program called "Ow! My Balls!" which shows various depictions of people in situations where they fall down and go boom, essentially. This provides the idiots of the future with hours of entertainment that won't make their brains hurt. On a related note, watch "Wipeout", Wednesdays at 8/7c on ABC!
Sesame seeds are good at sticking to things: Big Mac buns, sesame shrimp, bagels, the BACK OF YOUR THROAT! Seriously, it's like they get spot welded back there.
Late last month we had a heat advisory here in Wisconsin. Don't get me wrong, it was miserable. But, do you think places like Ethiopia and Libya ever have "heat advisories?" What would it have to get up to? 120°? 125°?
The WWE promotes a program in which their wrestlers encourage youngsters to read more. A noble cause to be sure, but it seems slightly counter-productive to cultivating a future fan base.
The Bacon Cheesy Potato Burrito? I have not tried it yet, but it sounds like what happens when you mash a bunch of things together that are good on their own but end up sucking out loud when combined. Like "Ocean's Twelve."
Prescription commercials are terrible. Do you ever notice that when they are explaining the side effects, they try do distract the viewer? Like they show a motherly looking woman putting a freshly baked apple pie out on the window sill while in the background they explain, "May cause nausea, dizziness, hives and asphyxiation." Or they'll show a couple in their 70s riding bikes along the Pacific coastline accompanied by, "If you begin to feel depressed or have thoughts of driving a monster truck through a playground, consult your doctor... and probably the police." (Also, is it bad that I went straight to David Carradine's Wikipedia page for the spelling of asphyxiation?)
Had a harrowing experience at work a couple of days back. As I was warming up my delicious SmartOnes entree in the microwave, a line of one person formed behind me right after I put it in. After three minutes, I pulled it out to stir per the directions and put it back in for 1 1/2 minutes. Someone walks by and asked the person behind me "Warming up lunch, huh?" to which their response was, "Yeah... trying to." HEY! If you can't wait the five minutes it takes someone to warm up their lunch, you may want to consider packing a sandwich and some carrot sticks or something! Try a granola bar and a bag of Fritos! Or better yet, maybe go to one of the FIVE OTHER MICROWAVES within reasonable walking distance! Have you read the side of the box on one of these things? It says, "DO NOT UNDERCOOK. YOU MAY DIE" (and they don't try to distract you with picture of a middle aged guy playing fetch with a dog, they are 'effin blunt about it.) Therefore, I am not going to risk salmonella just because you were soooo unfortunate to be in line after me. Sheesh.
You know what would be a great idea for a TV Show? "Lowering the Bar". Basically, a legal drama where the main characters lose all the time. Whether it be Perry Mason or Boston Legal or LA Law, for the most part, these shows almost always depict lawyers with high winning percentages. How about a show where after the trial, the counseler tells his client things like, "Well, I tried my best. After all, you did violate the restraining order your ex-wife had against you three times in the month before she was killed. I'm not a miracle worker here." I changed my mind, this is a terrible idea.
Actual conversation between my and my hetero life mate, Grant last week:
Nate: "So, who do you think will win Wimbledon? Does Roddick have any chance against Federer?"
Grant: "Tennis? Do you have a gambling problem that I'm not aware of?"
As I've mentioned, I've been listening to some old CDs at work lately. Plowed through Big & Rich's "Horse of a Different Color" a couple weeks back. I will never, ever understand how the song "Six Foot Town" didn't get popular, but yet you can hear frickin' "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk" every hour on the hour on country radio. It makes me crazy. Rascal Flatts gets every song they make on the air, even though they are atrocious, yet they can't release the second best song from a triple platinum album from Big & Rich? Really? Six Foot Town was so NOT popular, this live version was the best video I could find of it: http://video.aol.com/video-detail/big-and-rich-alive-in-deadwood-six-foot-town/1065259188
And God love em, they're probably trying their best, but everyone related to the Repbulican Party cannot seem to get out of their own way.
- You've got governors running off to Venezuela to be with their mistresses for a week without telling anybody.
- You've got states that B-R-O-K-E, with Republican governors "threatening" to refuse stimulus money that's already been signed into law.
- You've got Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-NC) saying that the Matthew Shepard killing "wasn't because he was gay." ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZmB4EiQtQI )
- You've got everything that Bill O'Reilly says.
Do you people realize that the Daily Show exists for the sole purpose of skewering every ridiculous thing you say? Do ya? Think before you say something! Funny thing from the podcast "Keith & the Girl" last week ( www.keithandthegirl.com ), regarding Gov. Sanford resignation as the head of the Republican Governor's Association after the whole mistress in South America thing broke. "Probably a good idea on his part. That sounds like a great place to meet even more mistresses."
This really sucks as I do feel that the Republican party has some good ideas as well as ideals, but they just can't stop sounding like idiots. It's like a guy who has a game plan for a great first date. He's going to bring the flowers, he's going to let her pick the activity that she wants to do, at the end of the night he's got a few lines to use that will be really complimentary without sounding like he's just trying to get laid. He's got this great plan, and then he shows up at the door and says, "Holy cow, nice tits!"
Speaking of the GOP...
NATHAN TALKS TO FAMOUS PEOPLE:
Sarah Palin resigned as the Governor of Alaska last week with her plans unclear. Obviously, she's sure to be one of the leading candidates to run for President in 2012.
"Hey, Sarah. Have a seat. OK, here's the thing. You aren't going to be President. You get destroyed in interviews and get rattled in debates, you're family kinda has Spears-esque tendencies, you called David Letterman "a rapist" (still scratching my head on that one), etc... Let's put it this way, I'm not voting for anyone that can't name one news magazine that she reads. You need to take your charisma and that adorable accent combined with your marginal political knowledge and do a talk show. It's not hard. Mark McGrath left Sugar Ray and hosted "Extra" for a while. Anything that Mark McGrath can do, I'm 70-80% certain that Sarah Palin can do."
I'm finished,
Nate
Sesame seeds are good at sticking to things: Big Mac buns, sesame shrimp, bagels, the BACK OF YOUR THROAT! Seriously, it's like they get spot welded back there.
Late last month we had a heat advisory here in Wisconsin. Don't get me wrong, it was miserable. But, do you think places like Ethiopia and Libya ever have "heat advisories?" What would it have to get up to? 120°? 125°?
The WWE promotes a program in which their wrestlers encourage youngsters to read more. A noble cause to be sure, but it seems slightly counter-productive to cultivating a future fan base.
The Bacon Cheesy Potato Burrito? I have not tried it yet, but it sounds like what happens when you mash a bunch of things together that are good on their own but end up sucking out loud when combined. Like "Ocean's Twelve."
Prescription commercials are terrible. Do you ever notice that when they are explaining the side effects, they try do distract the viewer? Like they show a motherly looking woman putting a freshly baked apple pie out on the window sill while in the background they explain, "May cause nausea, dizziness, hives and asphyxiation." Or they'll show a couple in their 70s riding bikes along the Pacific coastline accompanied by, "If you begin to feel depressed or have thoughts of driving a monster truck through a playground, consult your doctor... and probably the police." (Also, is it bad that I went straight to David Carradine's Wikipedia page for the spelling of asphyxiation?)
Had a harrowing experience at work a couple of days back. As I was warming up my delicious SmartOnes entree in the microwave, a line of one person formed behind me right after I put it in. After three minutes, I pulled it out to stir per the directions and put it back in for 1 1/2 minutes. Someone walks by and asked the person behind me "Warming up lunch, huh?" to which their response was, "Yeah... trying to." HEY! If you can't wait the five minutes it takes someone to warm up their lunch, you may want to consider packing a sandwich and some carrot sticks or something! Try a granola bar and a bag of Fritos! Or better yet, maybe go to one of the FIVE OTHER MICROWAVES within reasonable walking distance! Have you read the side of the box on one of these things? It says, "DO NOT UNDERCOOK. YOU MAY DIE" (and they don't try to distract you with picture of a middle aged guy playing fetch with a dog, they are 'effin blunt about it.) Therefore, I am not going to risk salmonella just because you were soooo unfortunate to be in line after me. Sheesh.
You know what would be a great idea for a TV Show? "Lowering the Bar". Basically, a legal drama where the main characters lose all the time. Whether it be Perry Mason or Boston Legal or LA Law, for the most part, these shows almost always depict lawyers with high winning percentages. How about a show where after the trial, the counseler tells his client things like, "Well, I tried my best. After all, you did violate the restraining order your ex-wife had against you three times in the month before she was killed. I'm not a miracle worker here." I changed my mind, this is a terrible idea.
Actual conversation between my and my hetero life mate, Grant last week:
Nate: "So, who do you think will win Wimbledon? Does Roddick have any chance against Federer?"
Grant: "Tennis? Do you have a gambling problem that I'm not aware of?"
As I've mentioned, I've been listening to some old CDs at work lately. Plowed through Big & Rich's "Horse of a Different Color" a couple weeks back. I will never, ever understand how the song "Six Foot Town" didn't get popular, but yet you can hear frickin' "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk" every hour on the hour on country radio. It makes me crazy. Rascal Flatts gets every song they make on the air, even though they are atrocious, yet they can't release the second best song from a triple platinum album from Big & Rich? Really? Six Foot Town was so NOT popular, this live version was the best video I could find of it: http://video.aol.com/video
And God love em, they're probably trying their best, but everyone related to the Repbulican Party cannot seem to get out of their own way.
- You've got governors running off to Venezuela to be with their mistresses for a week without telling anybody.
- You've got states that B-R-O-K-E, with Republican governors "threatening" to refuse stimulus money that's already been signed into law.
- You've got Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-NC) saying that the Matthew Shepard killing "wasn't because he was gay." ( http://www.youtube.com/wat
- You've got everything that Bill O'Reilly says.
Do you people realize that the Daily Show exists for the sole purpose of skewering every ridiculous thing you say? Do ya? Think before you say something! Funny thing from the podcast "Keith & the Girl" last week ( www.keithandthegirl.com ), regarding Gov. Sanford resignation as the head of the Republican Governor's Association after the whole mistress in South America thing broke. "Probably a good idea on his part. That sounds like a great place to meet even more mistresses."
This really sucks as I do feel that the Republican party has some good ideas as well as ideals, but they just can't stop sounding like idiots. It's like a guy who has a game plan for a great first date. He's going to bring the flowers, he's going to let her pick the activity that she wants to do, at the end of the night he's got a few lines to use that will be really complimentary without sounding like he's just trying to get laid. He's got this great plan, and then he shows up at the door and says, "Holy cow, nice tits!"
Speaking of the GOP...
NATHAN TALKS TO FAMOUS PEOPLE:
Sarah Palin resigned as the Governor of Alaska last week with her plans unclear. Obviously, she's sure to be one of the leading candidates to run for President in 2012.
"Hey, Sarah. Have a seat. OK, here's the thing. You aren't going to be President. You get destroyed in interviews and get rattled in debates, you're family kinda has Spears-esque tendencies, you called David Letterman "a rapist" (still scratching my head on that one), etc... Let's put it this way, I'm not voting for anyone that can't name one news magazine that she reads. You need to take your charisma and that adorable accent combined with your marginal political knowledge and do a talk show. It's not hard. Mark McGrath left Sugar Ray and hosted "Extra" for a while. Anything that Mark McGrath can do, I'm 70-80% certain that Sarah Palin can do."
I'm finished,
Nate
Saturday, June 06, 2009
Randomness, Vol 6
A little while back I saw a "Dateline" episode that dealt with consumer complaints. One of their first hot tips was "Avoid talking to people in Customer Service, they are basically useless. Go over their heads." On behalf of all of the people I worked with in customer service over the last 6 years, I'd like to say, "Eff you, Dateline!" Surprisingly, that wasn't my biggest problem with the show. Some of the people had some legitimate gripes, to be sure. But then there was "Mattress Lady." Mattress Lady was trying to get Serta to send her a new bed, because she had only had her's for a couple of months and the incline feature (or something) didn't work. That's fair. Serta had been stonewalling her, though. Poor form, Serta. After she wrote a letter to the president of the company, the heartless bastards at Serta wrote her a letter back, explaining that they would not replace the bed because she had bought a floor model which was sold "as is." Wait, WHAT!?!?!? Are you familiar with what "as is" means, Mattress Lady!? It means if you have problems with it, tough shit! That's why you get the flippin "as is" discount on it! She later received a replacement bed after NBC wrote a letter to Serta as well (mentioning the fact they were going to skewer the company on national TV, I'm sure.) So what you're saying is that my best bet for getting something out of a consumer complaint is to have Ann Curry or Stone Phillips write a letter to the company? Thanks for the practical advice, Dateline! Why don't you go blow up another pickup...
Can I interest you in Veramyst nasal spray? It treats seasonal allergy symptoms with just a few side effects, including possible glaucoma. How bad would your allergies need to be to risk GOING BLIND?!?!? "Well on the bright side, I can breathe without too much trouble now, and my eyes that I can't see out of anymore aren't itchy!" he said to the lamp, while he fired up some pharmaceutical kush.
Some of you already know this, but I HATE "heavyweight title fight" analogies. "This Sunday at the Masters was a heavyweight title fight between Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson." Um, NO IT WASN'T! It was a good round of golf, you morons! Two guys dropping the gloves in hockey, that might be acceptable, but golf? NO! We got a different gem the other night from the good people at Vs., where a faceoff in the Detroit/Pittsburgh game was referred to as being "like a 40 yard dash." You mean the footrace? That 40 yard dash? That is somehow like two hockey players swiping at a dropped puck to determine possession? Got it.
The upcoming movie "The Proposal" ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YjtLXe7KMMc ) features Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds as an executive and her assistant who can't stand each other, but are forced to fake an engagement so that she doesn't get deported back to her country of origin (it was either Canada or Honduras, I can't remember.) I mean these two really DO NOT like each other. Looks so booooorring. It'd be nice if they threw a curveball at us like if the two of them found out that they actually like each other and fall in love by the end of the flick. Wouldn't that blow your mind?!?! Maybe they could learn things about each other that make them realize they aren't so different after all. Maybe they could even take a trip back to his hometown, where she will be COMPLETELY out of her element. I'm just spitballing some new ideas here, people! This 'behind the scenes' clip is pretty funny, actually: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8q5dchmKr18&feature=channel
Because we don't listen to Internet radio at work anymore, I've been pulling a lot of old CDs out of the woodwork. The latest revival is my favorite rap album of all time, "Doggystyle" by the one and only Snoop Doggy Dogg. He has a track featuring "Lil Malik aka Lil Hershey Loc". I have no idea how many people that is. I think it's the same person that for some reason couldn't get by on one 'Lil' nickname. For me, that was the golden era of hip hop / rap, right up until the point that 2Pac died and Master P started taking a dump on the genre. The stuff today is even worse. I never thought I would say, "Man, this stuff is worse than the Ying Yang Twins." Never.
Speaking of CDs, remember when everyone made "Enhanced CDs" like, you'd put the CD in your CD-ROM drive on your personal computer and then a program would start to automatically install for 20 minutes and then you would have access to music videos from the album and band bios and a bunch of other stuff you can find on the Internet now in under 30 seconds? Yeah, it's great when you pop one of those babies into your work computer and all of a sudden you're basically trying to install unauthorized software. If I'm ever fired for doing something against company policy on the computer, it better not be because I installed the enhanced features of the No Doubt "Tragic Kingdom" CD, OK? Just sayin'.
NATHAN TALKS TO FAMOUS PEOPLE:
Marilyn Manson has a new song. Yep, THAT Marilyn Manson. Name of the track? "Arma-Godd**n-MotherF**kin-Geddon":
"Hey there, Marilyn? Yeah, double M. Over here. We're all gonna need you to go away for a while. And by a while, I mean, like forever. You can take your makeup with you, but we need you out by the end of the month. I don't want to see you come back with that suit with the fake boobs or drinking blood or any of that shit. And if you didn't come up with the name for your new song, find the guy that did, and take him with you... or shoot him. Up to you. Thanks, homey."
Finally, I leave you with this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUm8Bzk-BvU
(Fast forward to the 3:10 mark. What in the hell is he screaming like that for? Who actually greenlighted him to do that in a song that was played in pretty heavy radio rotation? Love your stuff, Enrique. But, damn.)
I'm finished,
Nate
Can I interest you in Veramyst nasal spray? It treats seasonal allergy symptoms with just a few side effects, including possible glaucoma. How bad would your allergies need to be to risk GOING BLIND?!?!? "Well on the bright side, I can breathe without too much trouble now, and my eyes that I can't see out of anymore aren't itchy!" he said to the lamp, while he fired up some pharmaceutical kush.
Some of you already know this, but I HATE "heavyweight title fight" analogies. "This Sunday at the Masters was a heavyweight title fight between Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson." Um, NO IT WASN'T! It was a good round of golf, you morons! Two guys dropping the gloves in hockey, that might be acceptable, but golf? NO! We got a different gem the other night from the good people at Vs., where a faceoff in the Detroit/Pittsburgh game was referred to as being "like a 40 yard dash." You mean the footrace? That 40 yard dash? That is somehow like two hockey players swiping at a dropped puck to determine possession? Got it.
The upcoming movie "The Proposal" ( http://www.youtube.com/wat
Because we don't listen to Internet radio at work anymore, I've been pulling a lot of old CDs out of the woodwork. The latest revival is my favorite rap album of all time, "Doggystyle" by the one and only Snoop Doggy Dogg. He has a track featuring "Lil Malik aka Lil Hershey Loc". I have no idea how many people that is. I think it's the same person that for some reason couldn't get by on one 'Lil' nickname. For me, that was the golden era of hip hop / rap, right up until the point that 2Pac died and Master P started taking a dump on the genre. The stuff today is even worse. I never thought I would say, "Man, this stuff is worse than the Ying Yang Twins." Never.
Speaking of CDs, remember when everyone made "Enhanced CDs" like, you'd put the CD in your CD-ROM drive on your personal computer and then a program would start to automatically install for 20 minutes and then you would have access to music videos from the album and band bios and a bunch of other stuff you can find on the Internet now in under 30 seconds? Yeah, it's great when you pop one of those babies into your work computer and all of a sudden you're basically trying to install unauthorized software. If I'm ever fired for doing something against company policy on the computer, it better not be because I installed the enhanced features of the No Doubt "Tragic Kingdom" CD, OK? Just sayin'.
NATHAN TALKS TO FAMOUS PEOPLE:
Marilyn Manson has a new song. Yep, THAT Marilyn Manson. Name of the track? "Arma-Godd**n-MotherF**kin
"Hey there, Marilyn? Yeah, double M. Over here. We're all gonna need you to go away for a while. And by a while, I mean, like forever. You can take your makeup with you, but we need you out by the end of the month. I don't want to see you come back with that suit with the fake boobs or drinking blood or any of that shit. And if you didn't come up with the name for your new song, find the guy that did, and take him with you... or shoot him. Up to you. Thanks, homey."
Finally, I leave you with this:
http://www.youtube.com/wat
(Fast forward to the 3:10 mark. What in the hell is he screaming like that for? Who actually greenlighted him to do that in a song that was played in pretty heavy radio rotation? Love your stuff, Enrique. But, damn.)
I'm finished,
Nate
Friday, May 15, 2009
Randomness, Vol 5
Things that popped into my head that I felt compelled to write down.
My friends, you need to get into Twitter. Sign up and follow me at http://twitter.com/callmehoss and then sign up for mobile messages sent directly to your cell. When I think of funny stuff to say, I'll post it, and I expect you to do the same when I'm following you. Or, don't even post anything. Like most, all I desire is an audience.
Kal Penn was recently named the "Associate Director of the White House Office of Public Liason" dealing specifically with the Asian American and Pacific Islander communities. When asked about this, John Cho said, "You do realize that it was ME who was the Asian guy in 'Harold & Kumar', right?"
For every "Enter Sandman", "Fuel" and "Everywhere I Roam" that they've put out, Metallica has also had some really awful songs. Don' believe me? Download "Don't Tread on Me". The latest of these ear pillagings is "Cyanide". Thankfully, if you listen to rock radio, they only play it like every 20-30 minutes, so...
The cable network "Vs." is running commercials in which they point out that almost every major contact sport requires a helmet of some sort for protection, however professional bull riders wear only cowboy hats as protection because, "It's tougher in here." Hey, Vs.? Maybe that is 'tough', but it is way more STUPID than it is tough! On the same note: Hey, Bull Riding? There's a reason that hockey goalies wear masks now and football players don't wear leather helmets any more! It's because the shit is dangerous if you don't!
I will say this up front, I lifted this next idea from the guys at UYD (www.uhhyeahdude.com). PETA is pissed off (as usual) about the fact that Google recently used goats to "mow" the lawn at their corporate headquarters to be more 'green'. PETA raised concerns about the transport and treatment of the goats.
Dear Assholes at PETA,
Just Stop. If Google wants to bring in a bunch of goats and let them eat grass at their headquarters (which is something that they would be doing anyways) and then NOT KILL THEM? Maybe DON'T have a problem with it. Just a thought. Maybe just shut up and go back to your tofu.
I am sad to say that I found another thing that bugs the hell out of me about "Back to the Future" last night. (To discuss the Grey's Sports Almanac line of B.S. from the second film, feel free to give Andy Ryan or myself a call.) Anyways, in the first one, the whole getting Marty back to 1985 thing was predicated on them getting a bolt of lightning to power up the flux capacitor. This is now no problem, because they know the exact time that the lightning is going to strike, down to the very MINUTE. I'm not a doctor like Emmett Brown, but I'm pretty sure you need a more precise measurement of time than a MINUTE to pull off this stunt so that Marty hits the cable at the exact time the lightning strikes. I guess when the next few movies involve pizzas that are dehydrated to the size of a pretzel and skateboards that can hover over the streets of Hill Valley but are useless on water, I can suspend my disbelief. But this whole thing seems like shoddy math.
Olivia Wilde topped Maxim's Hot 100 for this year. Been a huge fan of her's since back in the day when she was having a girl on girl romance with Marisa on "The O.C." Speaking of...
I learned from Miss California USA. If anyone asks me about same sex marriage and how I feel about it, I'm going to suddenly forget how to speak English like Sammy Sosa did in front of the congrssional hearing on steroids 4 years ago. For God's sake!!! Are we not allowed to have an opinion anymore?!?! When this whole controversy started, I assumed that she answered the question with, "Well, everyone has a right to choose. But, my family and I feel that if you choose to be gay, we should be able to choose to ship your fey ass to an island somewhere so we'll be rid of the disgusting sight of you!!!" When I found out that she had said, "I feel marriage should be between a man and a woman.", I'm like: "And? What else did she say? Get to the inflammatory stuff!" Why did they ask the question in the first place? It wasn't like they asked, "In 100 words or less, explain why same sex marriage is good in every way and why anyone that thinks differently is an intolerant D bag?" Am I missing something here? Why is this a contoversy? Was it a stupid answer for her to give if she wanted to win the competition? Absolutely. Does Perez Hilton calling her a 'stupid bitch' for being intolerant reek of hypocracy? Absolutely as well. How do I feel on the issue? "No habla englais."
I'm finished,
Nate
My friends, you need to get into Twitter. Sign up and follow me at http://twitter.com/callmeh
Kal Penn was recently named the "Associate Director of the White House Office of Public Liason" dealing specifically with the Asian American and Pacific Islander communities. When asked about this, John Cho said, "You do realize that it was ME who was the Asian guy in 'Harold & Kumar', right?"
For every "Enter Sandman", "Fuel" and "Everywhere I Roam" that they've put out, Metallica has also had some really awful songs. Don' believe me? Download "Don't Tread on Me". The latest of these ear pillagings is "Cyanide". Thankfully, if you listen to rock radio, they only play it like every 20-30 minutes, so...
The cable network "Vs." is running commercials in which they point out that almost every major contact sport requires a helmet of some sort for protection, however professional bull riders wear only cowboy hats as protection because, "It's tougher in here." Hey, Vs.? Maybe that is 'tough', but it is way more STUPID than it is tough! On the same note: Hey, Bull Riding? There's a reason that hockey goalies wear masks now and football players don't wear leather helmets any more! It's because the shit is dangerous if you don't!
I will say this up front, I lifted this next idea from the guys at UYD (www.uhhyeahdude.com). PETA is pissed off (as usual) about the fact that Google recently used goats to "mow" the lawn at their corporate headquarters to be more 'green'. PETA raised concerns about the transport and treatment of the goats.
Dear Assholes at PETA,
Just Stop. If Google wants to bring in a bunch of goats and let them eat grass at their headquarters (which is something that they would be doing anyways) and then NOT KILL THEM? Maybe DON'T have a problem with it. Just a thought. Maybe just shut up and go back to your tofu.
I am sad to say that I found another thing that bugs the hell out of me about "Back to the Future" last night. (To discuss the Grey's Sports Almanac line of B.S. from the second film, feel free to give Andy Ryan or myself a call.) Anyways, in the first one, the whole getting Marty back to 1985 thing was predicated on them getting a bolt of lightning to power up the flux capacitor. This is now no problem, because they know the exact time that the lightning is going to strike, down to the very MINUTE. I'm not a doctor like Emmett Brown, but I'm pretty sure you need a more precise measurement of time than a MINUTE to pull off this stunt so that Marty hits the cable at the exact time the lightning strikes. I guess when the next few movies involve pizzas that are dehydrated to the size of a pretzel and skateboards that can hover over the streets of Hill Valley but are useless on water, I can suspend my disbelief. But this whole thing seems like shoddy math.
Olivia Wilde topped Maxim's Hot 100 for this year. Been a huge fan of her's since back in the day when she was having a girl on girl romance with Marisa on "The O.C." Speaking of...
I learned from Miss California USA. If anyone asks me about same sex marriage and how I feel about it, I'm going to suddenly forget how to speak English like Sammy Sosa did in front of the congrssional hearing on steroids 4 years ago. For God's sake!!! Are we not allowed to have an opinion anymore?!?! When this whole controversy started, I assumed that she answered the question with, "Well, everyone has a right to choose. But, my family and I feel that if you choose to be gay, we should be able to choose to ship your fey ass to an island somewhere so we'll be rid of the disgusting sight of you!!!" When I found out that she had said, "I feel marriage should be between a man and a woman.", I'm like: "And? What else did she say? Get to the inflammatory stuff!" Why did they ask the question in the first place? It wasn't like they asked, "In 100 words or less, explain why same sex marriage is good in every way and why anyone that thinks differently is an intolerant D bag?" Am I missing something here? Why is this a contoversy? Was it a stupid answer for her to give if she wanted to win the competition? Absolutely. Does Perez Hilton calling her a 'stupid bitch' for being intolerant reek of hypocracy? Absolutely as well. How do I feel on the issue? "No habla englais."
I'm finished,
Nate
Sunday, April 05, 2009
Randomness, Vol 4
Short one today.
It was just be super duper if psychos would stop shooting a bunch of people and then killing themselves. You're crazy and you want to take yourself out? Go for it. I'm not saying it's a good idea, but don't be a douchebag and take a dozen people out with you. Is that fair?
Apparently Miley Cyrus thanked "The Kids" in her Kid's Choice Awards acceptance speech. That's 16 year old Miley Cyrus, thanking the kids.
Anyone who thinks their job is safe, just remember, "Obama can now fire you."
I think people 40 years and older watch and discuss "American Idol" more than any demographic at this point. When I hear a middle age woman, opining how she is happy they got rid of "the good looking gal with the hideous tattoo", I wonder if this is what the creators had in mind when they launched the thing.
The Verizon Hub (http://www.verizonwireless.com/b2c/vzhub/overview.jsp?lid=//global//phones+and+accessories//verizon+hub ) is one of the coolest concepts I've seen in a while. Which means that it probably won't catch on and will just fade into oblivion.
I've been saying for months that "Fast and Furious" was a great idea. I didn't expect it to be $72M opening weekend great. Don't underestimate the staggering drawing power of The Diesel. I bet he could make "Pacifier 2" a number one hit.
Nightmare on Elm Street is going to be rebooted with a new Freddy Kruger. So, now we've had Friday the 13th, Halloween and Star Trek rebooted, among others. How about a new "Police Academy"? I swear to god, I wrote that last sentence and then looked up Police Academy on IMDB. New Police Academy coming 2011.
I don't get Twitter yet. I'm on it and from what I'm deducing its basically like Facebook where you give status updates and that's pretty much it. But I already have a Facebook for that. I don't get it. Yet.
Opening Day tomorrow: GO RED SOX!
I'm finished,
Nate
It was just be super duper if psychos would stop shooting a bunch of people and then killing themselves. You're crazy and you want to take yourself out? Go for it. I'm not saying it's a good idea, but don't be a douchebag and take a dozen people out with you. Is that fair?
Apparently Miley Cyrus thanked "The Kids" in her Kid's Choice Awards acceptance speech. That's 16 year old Miley Cyrus, thanking the kids.
Anyone who thinks their job is safe, just remember, "Obama can now fire you."
I think people 40 years and older watch and discuss "American Idol" more than any demographic at this point. When I hear a middle age woman, opining how she is happy they got rid of "the good looking gal with the hideous tattoo", I wonder if this is what the creators had in mind when they launched the thing.
The Verizon Hub (http://www.verizonwireless
I've been saying for months that "Fast and Furious" was a great idea. I didn't expect it to be $72M opening weekend great. Don't underestimate the staggering drawing power of The Diesel. I bet he could make "Pacifier 2" a number one hit.
Nightmare on Elm Street is going to be rebooted with a new Freddy Kruger. So, now we've had Friday the 13th, Halloween and Star Trek rebooted, among others. How about a new "Police Academy"? I swear to god, I wrote that last sentence and then looked up Police Academy on IMDB. New Police Academy coming 2011.
I don't get Twitter yet. I'm on it and from what I'm deducing its basically like Facebook where you give status updates and that's pretty much it. But I already have a Facebook for that. I don't get it. Yet.
Opening Day tomorrow: GO RED SOX!
I'm finished,
Nate
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Randomness, Vol 3
Once again, random thoughts I felt compelled to jot down...
Coca Cola will apparently be removing the word "Classic" from it's labels soon. As you may know, the company re-released the original formula of Coca Cola after tons of people went apeshit when "New Coke" was released back in 1985. The shocking thing about this? New Coke survived, in some form, in some parts of the country until 2002!!! That's SEVENTEEN freakin years!!! Have you ever seen a can of New Coke? I will give somebody $5000 hypothetical dollars if they can show me physical evidence that they ever came into contact with a New Coke product.
What else is still lurking out there that we don't know about? Are we sure there isn't some gas station in Missouri that's carrying Crystal Pepsi right now? In Huntsville, AL is there a kid going to class with a bottle of "Surge" citrus soda in his or her backpack? Are we sure that Zima, the first alcoholic soda, is officially off the market? (That last one actually makes me sad, because Zima was my jam the first two years of college. The stuff tasted like soda and was like 10% alcohol. Then it got muscled out of the market by new and "improved" products. You ever try drinking a Smirnoff Ice? It's like 7% alcohol and 50% heartburn.)
So I learned something valuable last week. Don't underestimate the conviction of the Christian Bale supporters out there. I'm sorry guys, I was simply trying to say last time that I found some funny parts of his tirade. I would never say anything to insult the man or his work ethic, or his body of work... Even though he'll most likely give the worst performance yet as John Conner, and that's a list that includes Edward Furlong! Oh, snap!
After watching Top Gun for the 538th time this weekend, I thought of two more things that bugged me:
1) Maverick is close to turning his flirting with Charlie, his instructor into a full fledged, 4G Inverted Dive, and what does she do to him? Totally punks him in class! I always assumed that one of the fringe benefits of sleeping with your superior is that you could get praise for basically mailing it in. Nope. "I'm totally hot for you, so I'll express it by slapping a dunce cap on you in front of all of your classmates, who happen to be some of the most vindictive douches in the Navy. The elite. The best of the best."
2) The boys get in trouble for nailing Jester just below the hard deck on their first flight at Top Gun, which was 10,000 feet. In actual aerial combat, can the enemy not shoot you if you are below a certain altitude? Is it like having immunity on "Survivor"? I wasn't that pissed at them, to be honest with you. I praised their initiative and out of the box thinking.
I didn't realize that the side effects of steroids included your lips turning purple and leaving your wife for Skeletor-esque former pop music icons who are like 20 years older than you.
Do you think any of the other actors nominated for the Best Supporting Actor Oscar even go to the ceremony? Has Heath Ledger's name been engraved on that trophy since the week after "The Dark Knight" came out?
There is an Indian tribe in California that recently overcame one of the last legal hurdles standing in the way of allowing it to build a new casino in Northern California. The tribe consists of one woman and 5 of her immediate family members. The tribe was officially created when an application sat on a Department of Interior desk too long a couple of decades ago and was approved by default. And so started Chief Nate Dogg's dream of rolling all debonair like DeNiro and Pesci in "Casino".
President Obama signed the newest economic stimulus package into law this week. "Thanks a lot, assholes!" said your great-great-grandkids, who will still be paying for all of these bailouts.
I'm finished,
Nate
Coca Cola will apparently be removing the word "Classic" from it's labels soon. As you may know, the company re-released the original formula of Coca Cola after tons of people went apeshit when "New Coke" was released back in 1985. The shocking thing about this? New Coke survived, in some form, in some parts of the country until 2002!!! That's SEVENTEEN freakin years!!! Have you ever seen a can of New Coke? I will give somebody $5000 hypothetical dollars if they can show me physical evidence that they ever came into contact with a New Coke product.
What else is still lurking out there that we don't know about? Are we sure there isn't some gas station in Missouri that's carrying Crystal Pepsi right now? In Huntsville, AL is there a kid going to class with a bottle of "Surge" citrus soda in his or her backpack? Are we sure that Zima, the first alcoholic soda, is officially off the market? (That last one actually makes me sad, because Zima was my jam the first two years of college. The stuff tasted like soda and was like 10% alcohol. Then it got muscled out of the market by new and "improved" products. You ever try drinking a Smirnoff Ice? It's like 7% alcohol and 50% heartburn.)
So I learned something valuable last week. Don't underestimate the conviction of the Christian Bale supporters out there. I'm sorry guys, I was simply trying to say last time that I found some funny parts of his tirade. I would never say anything to insult the man or his work ethic, or his body of work... Even though he'll most likely give the worst performance yet as John Conner, and that's a list that includes Edward Furlong! Oh, snap!
After watching Top Gun for the 538th time this weekend, I thought of two more things that bugged me:
1) Maverick is close to turning his flirting with Charlie, his instructor into a full fledged, 4G Inverted Dive, and what does she do to him? Totally punks him in class! I always assumed that one of the fringe benefits of sleeping with your superior is that you could get praise for basically mailing it in. Nope. "I'm totally hot for you, so I'll express it by slapping a dunce cap on you in front of all of your classmates, who happen to be some of the most vindictive douches in the Navy. The elite. The best of the best."
2) The boys get in trouble for nailing Jester just below the hard deck on their first flight at Top Gun, which was 10,000 feet. In actual aerial combat, can the enemy not shoot you if you are below a certain altitude? Is it like having immunity on "Survivor"? I wasn't that pissed at them, to be honest with you. I praised their initiative and out of the box thinking.
I didn't realize that the side effects of steroids included your lips turning purple and leaving your wife for Skeletor-esque former pop music icons who are like 20 years older than you.
Do you think any of the other actors nominated for the Best Supporting Actor Oscar even go to the ceremony? Has Heath Ledger's name been engraved on that trophy since the week after "The Dark Knight" came out?
There is an Indian tribe in California that recently overcame one of the last legal hurdles standing in the way of allowing it to build a new casino in Northern California. The tribe consists of one woman and 5 of her immediate family members. The tribe was officially created when an application sat on a Department of Interior desk too long a couple of decades ago and was approved by default. And so started Chief Nate Dogg's dream of rolling all debonair like DeNiro and Pesci in "Casino".
President Obama signed the newest economic stimulus package into law this week. "Thanks a lot, assholes!" said your great-great-grandkids, who will still be paying for all of these bailouts.
I'm finished,
Nate
Saturday, February 07, 2009
Randomness, Vol 2
Once again, random thoughts I felt compelled to jot down...
Ohhhhh, Christian Bale. Christian, Christian, Christian. In case you hadn't heard, Christian Bale went all Veruca Salt on the set of the new Terminator movie last summer. There's a link to the audio below (make sure the kids and the grandparents are out of the room first, unless your grandpa is Quentin Tarantino.) Two things from this:
a) I hope to God someone digitally enhances the clip using the "Batman voice".
b) At one point he asks the movie's director, "McG! You have f*%kin' something to say to this prick?!" I think this is hilarious. Does anyone call McG by his real name? He has a real name. It's Joseph (thank you, Wikipedia.) It must make for interesting holidays:
"Hey Joe, can you pass the green beans? Joe? Joseph?"
"McG, some green beans over here, please?"
"Yes, I know you directed Charlie's Angels."
"Yes, I see. You have Drew Barrymore's cell phone number in your Blackberry. Awesome."
"Yeah, I know you're the only one at the table with a Blackberry."
(Quick side note: I heart MgG. He executive produced "The O.C." and created the short lived TV show "Fastlane". Two of my favorite vices.)
If I get this "Barack Obama Stimulus Check" that I see advertised all over the internet, does it come from the US Treasury, or is it just a personal check from the commander-in-chief's LaSalle Bank checking account?
USA Swimming has suspended Michael Phelps for three months in response to pictures that surface of him doing an individual medley on a water bong. Because apparently an actual slap on the wrist would be too harsh a punishment. Let's be honest, the next swim meet we care about is more than 3 years away in London. Wow, they really taught him a lesson! But what about the World Championships, the Nationwide Series of swim meets? Nope, he'll be unsuspended by then, too. It's like grounding a kid right up until the week before prom.
Does anyone still realize that there was a show that came before "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" that was just called "Extreme Makeover"? It's true. It ran for about five years and they would give people plastic surgery and stuff. Eventually "Home Edition" became uber popular for reasons that may only be known to Ty Pennington and Beelzebub himself. I like to think of the original "Makeover" as the Johnny Drama of reality shows.
There is a Gillette razor commercial that depicts athletic deities Tiger Woods and Roger Federer fighting over a Fusion razor. In the latter parts of their pursuit of this razor, they both stop and seem intrigued that the blades for the razor can be had for what amounts to a mere $1 per day. OK, seeing as Tiger Woods basically prints money in his basement, I really don't believe that would be a big deal to him. If he was taken aback by a sign saying, "You can stay at the Bridge Suite at the Atlantis Resort in the Bahamas for only $20,000 per night", that I might believe.
If you're in the market for facial tissues (and who isn't this time of year? Am I right?) then let me suggest to you Puffs Plus Lotion with the scent of Vicks. The cool menthol smell will make you feel like you're blowing your honker with a Newport cigarette. The lotion is gentle on your skin so you won't end up looking like Ray Liotta when he's all coked up towards the end of "GoodFellas." I should write commercials.
There is a brand of orange juice called "Simply Orange" that comes in mango and pineapple flavors. Not so simple after all, is it?
I'm finished,
Nate
Christian Bale taking himself a little too seriously:
http://www.aolcdn.com/tmz_audio/020209_christianbale.mp3
Ohhhhh, Christian Bale. Christian, Christian, Christian. In case you hadn't heard, Christian Bale went all Veruca Salt on the set of the new Terminator movie last summer. There's a link to the audio below (make sure the kids and the grandparents are out of the room first, unless your grandpa is Quentin Tarantino.) Two things from this:
a) I hope to God someone digitally enhances the clip using the "Batman voice".
b) At one point he asks the movie's director, "McG! You have f*%kin' something to say to this prick?!" I think this is hilarious. Does anyone call McG by his real name? He has a real name. It's Joseph (thank you, Wikipedia.) It must make for interesting holidays:
"Hey Joe, can you pass the green beans? Joe? Joseph?"
"McG, some green beans over here, please?"
"Yes, I know you directed Charlie's Angels."
"Yes, I see. You have Drew Barrymore's cell phone number in your Blackberry. Awesome."
"Yeah, I know you're the only one at the table with a Blackberry."
(Quick side note: I heart MgG. He executive produced "The O.C." and created the short lived TV show "Fastlane". Two of my favorite vices.)
If I get this "Barack Obama Stimulus Check" that I see advertised all over the internet, does it come from the US Treasury, or is it just a personal check from the commander-in-chief's LaSalle Bank checking account?
USA Swimming has suspended Michael Phelps for three months in response to pictures that surface of him doing an individual medley on a water bong. Because apparently an actual slap on the wrist would be too harsh a punishment. Let's be honest, the next swim meet we care about is more than 3 years away in London. Wow, they really taught him a lesson! But what about the World Championships, the Nationwide Series of swim meets? Nope, he'll be unsuspended by then, too. It's like grounding a kid right up until the week before prom.
Does anyone still realize that there was a show that came before "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" that was just called "Extreme Makeover"? It's true. It ran for about five years and they would give people plastic surgery and stuff. Eventually "Home Edition" became uber popular for reasons that may only be known to Ty Pennington and Beelzebub himself. I like to think of the original "Makeover" as the Johnny Drama of reality shows.
There is a Gillette razor commercial that depicts athletic deities Tiger Woods and Roger Federer fighting over a Fusion razor. In the latter parts of their pursuit of this razor, they both stop and seem intrigued that the blades for the razor can be had for what amounts to a mere $1 per day. OK, seeing as Tiger Woods basically prints money in his basement, I really don't believe that would be a big deal to him. If he was taken aback by a sign saying, "You can stay at the Bridge Suite at the Atlantis Resort in the Bahamas for only $20,000 per night", that I might believe.
If you're in the market for facial tissues (and who isn't this time of year? Am I right?) then let me suggest to you Puffs Plus Lotion with the scent of Vicks. The cool menthol smell will make you feel like you're blowing your honker with a Newport cigarette. The lotion is gentle on your skin so you won't end up looking like Ray Liotta when he's all coked up towards the end of "GoodFellas." I should write commercials.
There is a brand of orange juice called "Simply Orange" that comes in mango and pineapple flavors. Not so simple after all, is it?
I'm finished,
Nate
Christian Bale taking himself a little too seriously:
http://www.aolcdn.com/tmz_
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