Once again, random thoughts I felt compelled to jot down...
Coca Cola will apparently be removing the word "Classic" from it's labels soon. As you may know, the company re-released the original formula of Coca Cola after tons of people went apeshit when "New Coke" was released back in 1985. The shocking thing about this? New Coke survived, in some form, in some parts of the country until 2002!!! That's SEVENTEEN freakin years!!! Have you ever seen a can of New Coke? I will give somebody $5000 hypothetical dollars if they can show me physical evidence that they ever came into contact with a New Coke product.
What else is still lurking out there that we don't know about? Are we sure there isn't some gas station in Missouri that's carrying Crystal Pepsi right now? In Huntsville, AL is there a kid going to class with a bottle of "Surge" citrus soda in his or her backpack? Are we sure that Zima, the first alcoholic soda, is officially off the market? (That last one actually makes me sad, because Zima was my jam the first two years of college. The stuff tasted like soda and was like 10% alcohol. Then it got muscled out of the market by new and "improved" products. You ever try drinking a Smirnoff Ice? It's like 7% alcohol and 50% heartburn.)
So I learned something valuable last week. Don't underestimate the conviction of the Christian Bale supporters out there. I'm sorry guys, I was simply trying to say last time that I found some funny parts of his tirade. I would never say anything to insult the man or his work ethic, or his body of work... Even though he'll most likely give the worst performance yet as John Conner, and that's a list that includes Edward Furlong! Oh, snap!
After watching Top Gun for the 538th time this weekend, I thought of two more things that bugged me:
1) Maverick is close to turning his flirting with Charlie, his instructor into a full fledged, 4G Inverted Dive, and what does she do to him? Totally punks him in class! I always assumed that one of the fringe benefits of sleeping with your superior is that you could get praise for basically mailing it in. Nope. "I'm totally hot for you, so I'll express it by slapping a dunce cap on you in front of all of your classmates, who happen to be some of the most vindictive douches in the Navy. The elite. The best of the best."
2) The boys get in trouble for nailing Jester just below the hard deck on their first flight at Top Gun, which was 10,000 feet. In actual aerial combat, can the enemy not shoot you if you are below a certain altitude? Is it like having immunity on "Survivor"? I wasn't that pissed at them, to be honest with you. I praised their initiative and out of the box thinking.
I didn't realize that the side effects of steroids included your lips turning purple and leaving your wife for Skeletor-esque former pop music icons who are like 20 years older than you.
Do you think any of the other actors nominated for the Best Supporting Actor Oscar even go to the ceremony? Has Heath Ledger's name been engraved on that trophy since the week after "The Dark Knight" came out?
There is an Indian tribe in California that recently overcame one of the last legal hurdles standing in the way of allowing it to build a new casino in Northern California. The tribe consists of one woman and 5 of her immediate family members. The tribe was officially created when an application sat on a Department of Interior desk too long a couple of decades ago and was approved by default. And so started Chief Nate Dogg's dream of rolling all debonair like DeNiro and Pesci in "Casino".
President Obama signed the newest economic stimulus package into law this week. "Thanks a lot, assholes!" said your great-great-grandkids, who will still be paying for all of these bailouts.
I'm finished,
Nate
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Saturday, February 07, 2009
Randomness, Vol 2
Once again, random thoughts I felt compelled to jot down...
Ohhhhh, Christian Bale. Christian, Christian, Christian. In case you hadn't heard, Christian Bale went all Veruca Salt on the set of the new Terminator movie last summer. There's a link to the audio below (make sure the kids and the grandparents are out of the room first, unless your grandpa is Quentin Tarantino.) Two things from this:
a) I hope to God someone digitally enhances the clip using the "Batman voice".
b) At one point he asks the movie's director, "McG! You have f*%kin' something to say to this prick?!" I think this is hilarious. Does anyone call McG by his real name? He has a real name. It's Joseph (thank you, Wikipedia.) It must make for interesting holidays:
"Hey Joe, can you pass the green beans? Joe? Joseph?"
"McG, some green beans over here, please?"
"Yes, I know you directed Charlie's Angels."
"Yes, I see. You have Drew Barrymore's cell phone number in your Blackberry. Awesome."
"Yeah, I know you're the only one at the table with a Blackberry."
(Quick side note: I heart MgG. He executive produced "The O.C." and created the short lived TV show "Fastlane". Two of my favorite vices.)
If I get this "Barack Obama Stimulus Check" that I see advertised all over the internet, does it come from the US Treasury, or is it just a personal check from the commander-in-chief's LaSalle Bank checking account?
USA Swimming has suspended Michael Phelps for three months in response to pictures that surface of him doing an individual medley on a water bong. Because apparently an actual slap on the wrist would be too harsh a punishment. Let's be honest, the next swim meet we care about is more than 3 years away in London. Wow, they really taught him a lesson! But what about the World Championships, the Nationwide Series of swim meets? Nope, he'll be unsuspended by then, too. It's like grounding a kid right up until the week before prom.
Does anyone still realize that there was a show that came before "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" that was just called "Extreme Makeover"? It's true. It ran for about five years and they would give people plastic surgery and stuff. Eventually "Home Edition" became uber popular for reasons that may only be known to Ty Pennington and Beelzebub himself. I like to think of the original "Makeover" as the Johnny Drama of reality shows.
There is a Gillette razor commercial that depicts athletic deities Tiger Woods and Roger Federer fighting over a Fusion razor. In the latter parts of their pursuit of this razor, they both stop and seem intrigued that the blades for the razor can be had for what amounts to a mere $1 per day. OK, seeing as Tiger Woods basically prints money in his basement, I really don't believe that would be a big deal to him. If he was taken aback by a sign saying, "You can stay at the Bridge Suite at the Atlantis Resort in the Bahamas for only $20,000 per night", that I might believe.
If you're in the market for facial tissues (and who isn't this time of year? Am I right?) then let me suggest to you Puffs Plus Lotion with the scent of Vicks. The cool menthol smell will make you feel like you're blowing your honker with a Newport cigarette. The lotion is gentle on your skin so you won't end up looking like Ray Liotta when he's all coked up towards the end of "GoodFellas." I should write commercials.
There is a brand of orange juice called "Simply Orange" that comes in mango and pineapple flavors. Not so simple after all, is it?
I'm finished,
Nate
Christian Bale taking himself a little too seriously:
http://www.aolcdn.com/tmz_audio/020209_christianbale.mp3
Ohhhhh, Christian Bale. Christian, Christian, Christian. In case you hadn't heard, Christian Bale went all Veruca Salt on the set of the new Terminator movie last summer. There's a link to the audio below (make sure the kids and the grandparents are out of the room first, unless your grandpa is Quentin Tarantino.) Two things from this:
a) I hope to God someone digitally enhances the clip using the "Batman voice".
b) At one point he asks the movie's director, "McG! You have f*%kin' something to say to this prick?!" I think this is hilarious. Does anyone call McG by his real name? He has a real name. It's Joseph (thank you, Wikipedia.) It must make for interesting holidays:
"Hey Joe, can you pass the green beans? Joe? Joseph?"
"McG, some green beans over here, please?"
"Yes, I know you directed Charlie's Angels."
"Yes, I see. You have Drew Barrymore's cell phone number in your Blackberry. Awesome."
"Yeah, I know you're the only one at the table with a Blackberry."
(Quick side note: I heart MgG. He executive produced "The O.C." and created the short lived TV show "Fastlane". Two of my favorite vices.)
If I get this "Barack Obama Stimulus Check" that I see advertised all over the internet, does it come from the US Treasury, or is it just a personal check from the commander-in-chief's LaSalle Bank checking account?
USA Swimming has suspended Michael Phelps for three months in response to pictures that surface of him doing an individual medley on a water bong. Because apparently an actual slap on the wrist would be too harsh a punishment. Let's be honest, the next swim meet we care about is more than 3 years away in London. Wow, they really taught him a lesson! But what about the World Championships, the Nationwide Series of swim meets? Nope, he'll be unsuspended by then, too. It's like grounding a kid right up until the week before prom.
Does anyone still realize that there was a show that came before "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" that was just called "Extreme Makeover"? It's true. It ran for about five years and they would give people plastic surgery and stuff. Eventually "Home Edition" became uber popular for reasons that may only be known to Ty Pennington and Beelzebub himself. I like to think of the original "Makeover" as the Johnny Drama of reality shows.
There is a Gillette razor commercial that depicts athletic deities Tiger Woods and Roger Federer fighting over a Fusion razor. In the latter parts of their pursuit of this razor, they both stop and seem intrigued that the blades for the razor can be had for what amounts to a mere $1 per day. OK, seeing as Tiger Woods basically prints money in his basement, I really don't believe that would be a big deal to him. If he was taken aback by a sign saying, "You can stay at the Bridge Suite at the Atlantis Resort in the Bahamas for only $20,000 per night", that I might believe.
If you're in the market for facial tissues (and who isn't this time of year? Am I right?) then let me suggest to you Puffs Plus Lotion with the scent of Vicks. The cool menthol smell will make you feel like you're blowing your honker with a Newport cigarette. The lotion is gentle on your skin so you won't end up looking like Ray Liotta when he's all coked up towards the end of "GoodFellas." I should write commercials.
There is a brand of orange juice called "Simply Orange" that comes in mango and pineapple flavors. Not so simple after all, is it?
I'm finished,
Nate
Christian Bale taking himself a little too seriously:
http://www.aolcdn.com/tmz_
Monday, February 02, 2009
Randomness, Vol 1
Some random thoughts that I jotted down and felt compelled to share.
We live in a country where doctors will give fertility treatments to women who already have six kids. The irony of this whole thing is that she was having these kids through in vitro because her body was not able to easily produce kids. Fourteen later...
I was in line at Taco Bell today. Two things made me mad:
- I'm still not happy that they don't carry the Volcano Taco any more. The Cheesy Bacon Gordita Crunch is merely a passable substitute. The Volcano was the closest thing a fast food restaurant has ever come to serving sex in a paper wrapper. Moving on.
- If you're standing in front of me in line talking on your cell phone for five minutes while other people order and then get to the counter and say, "Can you hold on a second? Let's see... I don't know what I want." I should be permitted by law to pick up the cash register and drop it on your stupid head.
Country star Alan Jackson has remained popular even though he's been singing basically the same song for the last half a decade. Did you know that he's from "the country", and considers himself a "country boy"? No, really.
Just as I predicted, no Oscar love for The Dark Knight. It will just have to settle for the Hossie and the love an adoration of me and legions of geeked out males all over the planet.
In a semi related note, I saw some more trailers for "Watchmen" and the thing looks dope. If they have a midnight showing somewhere in the area, try keeping me away.
Here's how the last 50 years worth of Illinois governors have worked out:
- Rod Blagojevich (2003-09), removed from office on charges of being corrupt and a despicable person
- George Ryan (1999-2003), currently in prison serving time for armed robbery... wait, not armed robbery... corruption. That makes more sense.
- Daniel Walker (1973-77), convicted in his post-gubernatorial career of defrauding a Savings and Loan. (You might remember the S&L Crisis period. It was a government bailout before government bailouts were all the rage, like say, today. I dream of one day starting my own failing business so that I can get some of that bailout action. That's what I call entrepreneurial spirit.)
- Otto Kerner (1961-68), sentenced to three years in prison on numerous counts of bribery and perjury among others.
- William Stratton (1953-61), charged with tax evasion and later acquitted.
Illinois politics is a straight up freak show. This Kerner guy got caught because the person he took bribes from tried to write them off on their income taxes as "the cost of doing business in Illinois."
Couple of thoughts about the Super Bowl:
- Kurt Warner's hand was definitely coming forward. That was an incomplete pass and should have been reviewed.
- Immediately after the game, I get a text from Grant: "I'm glad the Lions didn't win this Super Bowl. The hats are ugly." Well, then. I guess there is always 2010 for the Kitties from Detroit City. He's totally right about the hats, though. The only uglier hats I can recall are the hats from the Packers Super Bowl year:
http://www.packertime.com/players/reggiewhite/imgs/main.jpg
- Thank you to Danica Patrick. Up until now you had tried to maintain this charade about how you wanted to be respected in your professional capacities for being a race car driver not for doing swimsuit issues and Maxim shoots. Glad to see you finally get in where ya fit in.
I'm finished,
Nate
We live in a country where doctors will give fertility treatments to women who already have six kids. The irony of this whole thing is that she was having these kids through in vitro because her body was not able to easily produce kids. Fourteen later...
I was in line at Taco Bell today. Two things made me mad:
- I'm still not happy that they don't carry the Volcano Taco any more. The Cheesy Bacon Gordita Crunch is merely a passable substitute. The Volcano was the closest thing a fast food restaurant has ever come to serving sex in a paper wrapper. Moving on.
- If you're standing in front of me in line talking on your cell phone for five minutes while other people order and then get to the counter and say, "Can you hold on a second? Let's see... I don't know what I want." I should be permitted by law to pick up the cash register and drop it on your stupid head.
Country star Alan Jackson has remained popular even though he's been singing basically the same song for the last half a decade. Did you know that he's from "the country", and considers himself a "country boy"? No, really.
Just as I predicted, no Oscar love for The Dark Knight. It will just have to settle for the Hossie and the love an adoration of me and legions of geeked out males all over the planet.
In a semi related note, I saw some more trailers for "Watchmen" and the thing looks dope. If they have a midnight showing somewhere in the area, try keeping me away.
Here's how the last 50 years worth of Illinois governors have worked out:
- Rod Blagojevich (2003-09), removed from office on charges of being corrupt and a despicable person
- George Ryan (1999-2003), currently in prison serving time for armed robbery... wait, not armed robbery... corruption. That makes more sense.
- Daniel Walker (1973-77), convicted in his post-gubernatorial career of defrauding a Savings and Loan. (You might remember the S&L Crisis period. It was a government bailout before government bailouts were all the rage, like say, today. I dream of one day starting my own failing business so that I can get some of that bailout action. That's what I call entrepreneurial spirit.)
- Otto Kerner (1961-68), sentenced to three years in prison on numerous counts of bribery and perjury among others.
- William Stratton (1953-61), charged with tax evasion and later acquitted.
Illinois politics is a straight up freak show. This Kerner guy got caught because the person he took bribes from tried to write them off on their income taxes as "the cost of doing business in Illinois."
Couple of thoughts about the Super Bowl:
- Kurt Warner's hand was definitely coming forward. That was an incomplete pass and should have been reviewed.
- Immediately after the game, I get a text from Grant: "I'm glad the Lions didn't win this Super Bowl. The hats are ugly." Well, then. I guess there is always 2010 for the Kitties from Detroit City. He's totally right about the hats, though. The only uglier hats I can recall are the hats from the Packers Super Bowl year:
http://www.packertime.com/
- Thank you to Danica Patrick. Up until now you had tried to maintain this charade about how you wanted to be respected in your professional capacities for being a race car driver not for doing swimsuit issues and Maxim shoots. Glad to see you finally get in where ya fit in.
I'm finished,
Nate
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