Still in a relative daze after realizing that there was no football this Sunday, I found myself watching the premiere of the Ashlee Simpson show. Suddenly I realized that this episode was going to cover the incident on SNL where her "acid reflux made her lip sync." This is going to be great! It's like they made a bonus DVD of that SNL episode and now we get to watch the behind the scenes featurette! So, for half the episode we have to watch her and her friends hang out and say things such as, "SNL is like so like it's a cultural...like all the great singers go through it, you know."
(And, you know that maybe one out of these three girls even has a clue who Dennis Miller is or that Adam Sandler at one time did show that he has real comedic talent on SNL and they are going to comment on the historical significance?)
Then, it's SNL showtime... uh-oh... she's getting raspy... oh my lord, it's...it's... acid reflux! End of show. NOOOOOOO!!!! I want to see it again, in all of its behind the scenes glory! At least we get to see previews of Wednesday's show and Ashlee says this:
"The day after, I knew it would be a big deal, but it was on like the front page! It's not fair, you can't define someone's career by one moment..."
Excuse me, but have you SEEN the Milli Vanilli episode of Behind the Music AND the True Hollywood Story!?!? Define a career? Milli killed himself because lip syncing ruined his life so badly! I probably shouldn't take as much pleasure in skewering the Simpson kid, but I think in many ways she's the marginal talent that gets the pub when maybe another better singer doesn't. It isn't fair, but that's the way it is. Besides, she did get booed by 65,000 strong at the Orange Bowl for her awful rendition of "Pieces of Prilosec" (you've gotta love that acid reflux humor!) I guess you could say she's suffered enough. Nah, probably not.
I'm finished,
Nate
Monday, January 31, 2005
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Nate and Copp's: Round 2
Nate and Copp's Foods are still speaking to each other, but we are definately fighting again. I go to get some groceries and some beer last night after Scrubs is done at 8:30p. Of course the law is that nobody is allowed to buy booze after 9p. I grab my few things and I hear over the intercom, "We will stop selling alcohol in five minutes." OK, so I run my beer up to the checkout and the guy gets all frantic to the point that he processes the beer as a seperate transaction to get it in under the wire. Whew, 10 seconds to spare. You would've thought it was the last five minutes of an episode of '24.' Then, the kid running the register says this: "I don't know why people always wait until the last minute to buy alcohol. Maybe it isn't as exciting to buy it at noon."
Oh, no. He. Did. Not!
Not to sound like an alcoholic wife beater or anything, but I WORK ALL DAY! Ten hours, punk! Then I go in on my day off! I am not blessed with the schedule that would allow me to buy booze at noon! This is, of course my second run in with Copp's Foods in the last year. I follow your stupid rules of buying before 9pm and I still get hassled? Are you joking! So, suck it and ring up my second transaction, register jockey, I am officially out of here. Later much!
As I predicted last year around this time, I would be watching the Super Bowl again in 2005 with a keen interest in the outcome. The Patriots are going to their third Super Bowl in four seasons in two weeks and if people are smart, they will not pick against them. The best part is that they play the Eagles. Now, I know they are probably the worst team we match up with. They like to throw the ball and even without T.O., they are pretty darned good and that's a concern when New England's dime back Hank Poteat was out of football and taking college classes when he was signed two weeks ago. We are much better suited to stop the run than the pass. BUT! We will get to hear about Terrell Owens for two weeks solid, adding to the distraction for the Eagles. Sure Belichek and Brady are undefeated in posteseason play with the Pats, sure the Patriots just silenced all of the "This time will be different against the Colts/Steelers crowd", but all the talk will be about T.O. and will he be back (and if he is, does he have any special Super Bowl dances, and does he plan on doing a pregame skit with Nicolette Sheridan?) That's the thing about T.O. for as good as he is (and he is really good) he often creates unwanted distraction. Is this Eagles team any better without him than the teams that lost the last three NFC championships? Not a chance, and T.O. creates a distraction whether he plays or not. I think the Pats have got to be smiling, they don't have the characters or the loud talkers like T.O., Freddie Mitchell, Brian Dawkins, but they have a hard time hearing them anyways- what with those Super Bowl rings in their ears.
I'm finished,
Nate
Oh, no. He. Did. Not!
Not to sound like an alcoholic wife beater or anything, but I WORK ALL DAY! Ten hours, punk! Then I go in on my day off! I am not blessed with the schedule that would allow me to buy booze at noon! This is, of course my second run in with Copp's Foods in the last year. I follow your stupid rules of buying before 9pm and I still get hassled? Are you joking! So, suck it and ring up my second transaction, register jockey, I am officially out of here. Later much!
As I predicted last year around this time, I would be watching the Super Bowl again in 2005 with a keen interest in the outcome. The Patriots are going to their third Super Bowl in four seasons in two weeks and if people are smart, they will not pick against them. The best part is that they play the Eagles. Now, I know they are probably the worst team we match up with. They like to throw the ball and even without T.O., they are pretty darned good and that's a concern when New England's dime back Hank Poteat was out of football and taking college classes when he was signed two weeks ago. We are much better suited to stop the run than the pass. BUT! We will get to hear about Terrell Owens for two weeks solid, adding to the distraction for the Eagles. Sure Belichek and Brady are undefeated in posteseason play with the Pats, sure the Patriots just silenced all of the "This time will be different against the Colts/Steelers crowd", but all the talk will be about T.O. and will he be back (and if he is, does he have any special Super Bowl dances, and does he plan on doing a pregame skit with Nicolette Sheridan?) That's the thing about T.O. for as good as he is (and he is really good) he often creates unwanted distraction. Is this Eagles team any better without him than the teams that lost the last three NFC championships? Not a chance, and T.O. creates a distraction whether he plays or not. I think the Pats have got to be smiling, they don't have the characters or the loud talkers like T.O., Freddie Mitchell, Brian Dawkins, but they have a hard time hearing them anyways- what with those Super Bowl rings in their ears.
I'm finished,
Nate
Friday, January 21, 2005
"Wake up, Da Brat! Wake Up!"
The title of this post is actually a quote from the 4th installment of the Surreal Life. It was exclaimed by Chyna (who now goes by Joni Fifteenminutes or something) who used to be a wrestler and former Intercontinental Champion of the WWE. She's running around in the middle of the night in a bikini and trying to wake up Da Brat, female rap artist and possible waitress. "Da Brat! Wake up!" I love it. It's going to be my new catchphrase. This is now my second post that included surreal life references. I'm not sure that is a good thing. In case you weren't paying attention as closely as me (and few are) the Surreal Life now has a spinoff called "Strange Love" starring budding love between Flava Flav and Bridgette Nielsen. That is a show that could have easily been called "Most Contrived Publicity Stunt Ever." Can you imagine the previews? "Next time on Most Contrived...tempers flare when Flava's best clock necklace is smashed when Bridgette passes out on top of it. Yeaaaahhh boyeeee!"
Speaking of Chyna, she left WWE to pursue an acting career. Has that ever worked? Hulk Hogan did some "movies," including classics like Suburban Commando and Mr. Nanny, but then again they let Shaq star in his own movies too. Let's put it this way, wrestlers are similar to adult film stars: They are kind of like actors like Spam is kind of like lunch meat. They have some of the same characteristics but they are not one in the same. The possible exception is The Rock, who knows that he can get the Vin Diesel-esque roles and is thriving in that so far. Also, the producers of Blade: Trinity expanded the part that they had for wrestler Triple H because he was so good. For the most part, when a wrestler contemplates acting don't they ever think, "I know how this story ends! I end up on the Surreal Life! Yelling things like, 'Get up, Da Brat!'"
Appleton is trying to push through an ballot measure to (and this makes me sick) ban smoking in bars that are in the city limits. What? America is about freedom! Like the freedom to inhale the nicotine filled air of a local dive bar without government interference! Don't tell me where I can and can't inhale second and first hand smoke, G-man! The revolution will not be televised and the government had better stay out of my uterus!!!
That got away from me. Sorry.
But seriously, no smoking in bars? If you don't like the smoke, don't go to bars. If you still like the bar got to one of those bars that chose to be smoke free. If that isn't an option, there is probably a reason: No bar owner would be that stupid and want to lose business. So, seen as the market and the free will of the people won't fix the problem...let's pass an ordinance! Yeah! I know there are always two sides to an issue, but if there really is a need for smoke free bars, the market would create them. If people really value their health more than going to a bar, they wouldn't go. It's all about economics. The validity of the petition that is circulating is in question anyways. Some petitions were left in health clubs and other place that healthy pink lungers congregate, which is a no-no in Wisconsin. The explanation from the Free Air Coaliton (or whatever they are called?) "The locations were more like a collection point...Yeah...and the petitions that were actually signed at the health clubs got lost, see... yeah, that's what happened." That's all I've got for today.
I'm gearing up for a big day of women's hoops tomorrow, going to see the UWGB Lady Phoenix in action against Detroit. The big showdown in hockey is set for next weekend with the Kitties from Marquette City travelling to Ann Arbor to take on top 5 ranked Michigan on Fox Sports Net. Apparently there is a get together for Northern alums in the area at a local sports bar in Appleton that I will probably attend. A word of caution to my buddy Brown Cow in the A-Duece, we almost always play well at Yost. Of course we have a great road record this year...for me to poop on. Have a great weekend all!
I'm finished,
Nate
Speaking of Chyna, she left WWE to pursue an acting career. Has that ever worked? Hulk Hogan did some "movies," including classics like Suburban Commando and Mr. Nanny, but then again they let Shaq star in his own movies too. Let's put it this way, wrestlers are similar to adult film stars: They are kind of like actors like Spam is kind of like lunch meat. They have some of the same characteristics but they are not one in the same. The possible exception is The Rock, who knows that he can get the Vin Diesel-esque roles and is thriving in that so far. Also, the producers of Blade: Trinity expanded the part that they had for wrestler Triple H because he was so good. For the most part, when a wrestler contemplates acting don't they ever think, "I know how this story ends! I end up on the Surreal Life! Yelling things like, 'Get up, Da Brat!'"
Appleton is trying to push through an ballot measure to (and this makes me sick) ban smoking in bars that are in the city limits. What? America is about freedom! Like the freedom to inhale the nicotine filled air of a local dive bar without government interference! Don't tell me where I can and can't inhale second and first hand smoke, G-man! The revolution will not be televised and the government had better stay out of my uterus!!!
That got away from me. Sorry.
But seriously, no smoking in bars? If you don't like the smoke, don't go to bars. If you still like the bar got to one of those bars that chose to be smoke free. If that isn't an option, there is probably a reason: No bar owner would be that stupid and want to lose business. So, seen as the market and the free will of the people won't fix the problem...let's pass an ordinance! Yeah! I know there are always two sides to an issue, but if there really is a need for smoke free bars, the market would create them. If people really value their health more than going to a bar, they wouldn't go. It's all about economics. The validity of the petition that is circulating is in question anyways. Some petitions were left in health clubs and other place that healthy pink lungers congregate, which is a no-no in Wisconsin. The explanation from the Free Air Coaliton (or whatever they are called?) "The locations were more like a collection point...Yeah...and the petitions that were actually signed at the health clubs got lost, see... yeah, that's what happened." That's all I've got for today.
I'm gearing up for a big day of women's hoops tomorrow, going to see the UWGB Lady Phoenix in action against Detroit. The big showdown in hockey is set for next weekend with the Kitties from Marquette City travelling to Ann Arbor to take on top 5 ranked Michigan on Fox Sports Net. Apparently there is a get together for Northern alums in the area at a local sports bar in Appleton that I will probably attend. A word of caution to my buddy Brown Cow in the A-Duece, we almost always play well at Yost. Of course we have a great road record this year...for me to poop on. Have a great weekend all!
I'm finished,
Nate
Monday, January 17, 2005
Paper champs.
As most of you probably saw over the weekend, the Pats spanked the snot out of the "best offense in history." Peyton Manning (the best quarterback to never win anything of importance ever) looked absolutely lost even though our third best cornerback who was covering a 1000+ yard reciever is a converted WR himself. My favorite story was listening to the pregame when Phil Simms declared that despite the weather, Peyton would be fine because he still "had good control of the ball last year when the weather was bad." Sure he did...even though he threw 4 picks.
I didn't get to watch any of the Golden Globes last night, but it looks like what I've been saying for years still holds true: Cable is where it's at. Get this, THREE of the five nominees for outstanding drama series were from the FX network (The Sheild. Rescue Me, and the winner Nip/Tuck.) I'm not sure why I didn't see if anyone would put money against Teri Hatcher winning a globe for best actress in a comedy which may have been the easiest prognostication for an award since Ricky Williams won the Heisman trophy. In that category she was going against the other two actresses from the show. How would you like to be a lead actress who didn't get nominated in that category when they nominate 3 actresses from the same show? That'd get my knickers in a twist a little bit.
Most dangerous job in the world? CEO of McDonald's. Less than a year after their previous chairman dies (ironically) of a heart attack, their new CEO succumbs to cancer...at 44 years old. You want to poison the youth of America, you gotta pay karma's check. Jared has as of yet not choked to death on a Subway sweet onion teriyaki, but you just know it's coming. I've been sticking to Jimmy John's and Herbs & Gerbs for my sandwich needs lately, but if anyone knows where there is a D&M / Togo's-esque sandwich shop in the A-town area lemme know.
Oh, and where are my manners? Happy MLK Day to all. There is no mail, banks are closed, the stock market is closed, the Federal Reserve is closed, our mutual fund processing agent is closed, nothing can get processed until tomorrow... and we still had to work today. I don't get it.
I'm finished,
Nate
I didn't get to watch any of the Golden Globes last night, but it looks like what I've been saying for years still holds true: Cable is where it's at. Get this, THREE of the five nominees for outstanding drama series were from the FX network (The Sheild. Rescue Me, and the winner Nip/Tuck.) I'm not sure why I didn't see if anyone would put money against Teri Hatcher winning a globe for best actress in a comedy which may have been the easiest prognostication for an award since Ricky Williams won the Heisman trophy. In that category she was going against the other two actresses from the show. How would you like to be a lead actress who didn't get nominated in that category when they nominate 3 actresses from the same show? That'd get my knickers in a twist a little bit.
Most dangerous job in the world? CEO of McDonald's. Less than a year after their previous chairman dies (ironically) of a heart attack, their new CEO succumbs to cancer...at 44 years old. You want to poison the youth of America, you gotta pay karma's check. Jared has as of yet not choked to death on a Subway sweet onion teriyaki, but you just know it's coming. I've been sticking to Jimmy John's and Herbs & Gerbs for my sandwich needs lately, but if anyone knows where there is a D&M / Togo's-esque sandwich shop in the A-town area lemme know.
Oh, and where are my manners? Happy MLK Day to all. There is no mail, banks are closed, the stock market is closed, the Federal Reserve is closed, our mutual fund processing agent is closed, nothing can get processed until tomorrow... and we still had to work today. I don't get it.
I'm finished,
Nate
Saturday, January 15, 2005
Chillin.
What region of the world do I live in that has temps in the lower to mid 30's on Monday and then -6 on Friday with -25 wind chills? I can now here things like this on the radio: "It's currently 29 deg in Appleton, 30 in Green Bay. For tomorrow highs around 3 above." I think I'm going to have one of those sudden temperature change heart attacks like you are supposed to have when you get out of the sauna and jump in a snow bank.
Not a lot going on this week. I was super busy at Thrivent Monday and Tuesday because people were finally getting their year end statements. Did you know that you can lose money when you invest in mutual funds and stocks? Because a majority of people I talk to seem to be flabbergasted by the concept. I have so many great stories that I can't put in writing, but ask me some time (preferably when I'm intoxicated) and I will tell you all about them.
Unfortunately my time is almost up here at the Appleton Public Library. Sorry for the short post today, I promise to try better! I should actually buck up and buy a computer for home, but I haven't for two reasons:
1) I have access to a computer at work 24/7 (which does have some sites blocked for "productivity" purposes. Whatever.)
2) I don't want to be like, "Wow it's 2:00am already! I should really get off the internet and go to bed...Oooohh! A list of all the movies Val Kilmer has ever been in? I better research each one! What's another hour?"
Yzma: Tell us where the talking llama is and we'll burn your house to the ground.
Kronk: Don't you mean "or"?
Yzma: [sighs] Tell us where the talking llama is *or* we'll burn your house to the ground.
Chaca: Well, which one is it? That seems like a pretty crucial conjunction.
-The Emperor's New Groove (2004)
I'm finished,
Nate
Not a lot going on this week. I was super busy at Thrivent Monday and Tuesday because people were finally getting their year end statements. Did you know that you can lose money when you invest in mutual funds and stocks? Because a majority of people I talk to seem to be flabbergasted by the concept. I have so many great stories that I can't put in writing, but ask me some time (preferably when I'm intoxicated) and I will tell you all about them.
Unfortunately my time is almost up here at the Appleton Public Library. Sorry for the short post today, I promise to try better! I should actually buck up and buy a computer for home, but I haven't for two reasons:
1) I have access to a computer at work 24/7 (which does have some sites blocked for "productivity" purposes. Whatever.)
2) I don't want to be like, "Wow it's 2:00am already! I should really get off the internet and go to bed...Oooohh! A list of all the movies Val Kilmer has ever been in? I better research each one! What's another hour?"
Yzma: Tell us where the talking llama is and we'll burn your house to the ground.
Kronk: Don't you mean "or"?
Yzma: [sighs] Tell us where the talking llama is *or* we'll burn your house to the ground.
Chaca: Well, which one is it? That seems like a pretty crucial conjunction.
-The Emperor's New Groove (2004)
I'm finished,
Nate
Monday, January 10, 2005
Nathan J Holtslander 1980-
"Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated." -Mark Twain
Friday night I am hanging out at The Bar on Lynndale celebrating with a colleauge who was moving on from Thrivent to bigger and better things. Upon a subsequent check of my cell phone log I found that 3 people had called me and I recieved a strange voice mail from Grant stating somberly, "Call me when you get this." My heart sank immediately. What could have happened? Is everything all right? Did the Red Wings lose? WHAT HAPPENED!?!?
I finally get Grant on the phone and he tells me this: "Kurt told me that he heard that you had killed yourself." Umm. What? Yes, apparently everyone in Rapid River had heard the same horrible rumor (So much so that a friend of the family visited my parents on Sunday night sobbing for their loss.) Obviously I am not deceased and am very much alive and well here in Appleton, WI. I thought little of it until I talked to my mother this morning when she told me, "Everybody knows about it. Everybody." Only now, three days later is it starting to piss me off. Friday night I had this exchange with my mother, "People heard I was dead." "Really? Well, good thing your not!" and we left it at that. Now I've got people crying because of the irresponsible or henious acts of somebody.
Then, that all led to this exchange with my ex-girlfriend Brooke, who most of you know, on Saturday:
B: "I guess you've heard by now."
N: "Yeah."
B: "I just want you to know that I didn't have anything to do with it."
N: "OK. Didn't say you did."
B: "Well, it's just that I don't even care about you enough to start something like that."
N: "Thanks. Real cheery."
B: "Well, I have no stress in my life now and I'm finally happy."
N: "I think we've already established that."
B: "OK."
N: "OK."
B: "Cheer up, don't sound so depressed."
Classy. Just your typical "Glad your not dead. Just reiterating my dislike for you." call. Nice.
So anyways, you can bask in the glow of my non-demise and hollah at me when you get a chance. Aight?
I'm finished,
Nate
Friday night I am hanging out at The Bar on Lynndale celebrating with a colleauge who was moving on from Thrivent to bigger and better things. Upon a subsequent check of my cell phone log I found that 3 people had called me and I recieved a strange voice mail from Grant stating somberly, "Call me when you get this." My heart sank immediately. What could have happened? Is everything all right? Did the Red Wings lose? WHAT HAPPENED!?!?
I finally get Grant on the phone and he tells me this: "Kurt told me that he heard that you had killed yourself." Umm. What? Yes, apparently everyone in Rapid River had heard the same horrible rumor (So much so that a friend of the family visited my parents on Sunday night sobbing for their loss.) Obviously I am not deceased and am very much alive and well here in Appleton, WI. I thought little of it until I talked to my mother this morning when she told me, "Everybody knows about it. Everybody." Only now, three days later is it starting to piss me off. Friday night I had this exchange with my mother, "People heard I was dead." "Really? Well, good thing your not!" and we left it at that. Now I've got people crying because of the irresponsible or henious acts of somebody.
Then, that all led to this exchange with my ex-girlfriend Brooke, who most of you know, on Saturday:
B: "I guess you've heard by now."
N: "Yeah."
B: "I just want you to know that I didn't have anything to do with it."
N: "OK. Didn't say you did."
B: "Well, it's just that I don't even care about you enough to start something like that."
N: "Thanks. Real cheery."
B: "Well, I have no stress in my life now and I'm finally happy."
N: "I think we've already established that."
B: "OK."
N: "OK."
B: "Cheer up, don't sound so depressed."
Classy. Just your typical "Glad your not dead. Just reiterating my dislike for you." call. Nice.
So anyways, you can bask in the glow of my non-demise and hollah at me when you get a chance. Aight?
I'm finished,
Nate
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