You can call me...Hollywood.

Sadly, nobody commented on the part of my last post that I found so excruciatingly obvious when I glanced at it again today. That title was ridiculous. "Things that byte?" I feel like I'm Rodney Dangerfield and nobody had the guts to tell me how painfully unfunny I was on that one. Moving on.

I read the entertainment news today because it always makes me laugh. Today's issue was no different. First story, "Courtney Love Sentenced to Rehab." I think you could base warranties upon the frequency of that story, "Tires guaranteed for 50,000 miles or until the next time Courtney Love is in rehab, whichever comes first." And let me ask you something, can we even consider Courtney Love a celebrity anymore? She was married to a famous rock star, had one song, did one good movie (The People v. Larry Flynt), and she's crazy and likes drugs. That's it, end of list. Plus, she was the charter member of the Show Up at Awards Shows Looking Like a Crackwhore Club.

Catherine Zeta Jones got to see the woman accused of making death threats against her because of a crush the woman had on Michael Douglas. Ladies, please tell me that 59 yeart old Michael Freaking Douglas is not that good looking. Of course, if Catherine Zeta Jones is actaully 35 then I can fly to the damn moon. She's at least 40. Take a look at her in her next T-Mobile commercial, definately 40. The best quote came from the accused's fiancee, "She still hopes to pursue her career as a child psychologist." Somebody get Ricky Williams on the phone.

Tom Sizemore's relationship with Heidi Fleiss didn't turn out so well; he's accused of beating her. Tom, was there anything about "I'm gonna date Heidi Fleiss." that made you think "This will turn out well?" Survey says... No.

And of course, fallout still continues from the monster split of Paris Hilton and Nick Carter. Paris wants to focus on her career. That's Paris Hilton, who's best work to date was this video I saw on the Internet, she and this dude were all like... I'm gonna stop there.

I'll try to do better next time.

I'm finished.
Nate

Ricky Ticky Williams.

Let me start out with a quote from Ricky Williams, the now former running back of the Miami Dolphins, on the impending economic effects of his retirement:

"People are worried about the future of my children, but a child doesn't need much to be happy -- needs food, a change of clothes and for you to pay attention to him. A bottle of baby food costs 79 cents. I have that much."

A couple of thoughts on that. For one, does that sound like someone you'd like to have raising a kid? I'm sure he doesn't actually takes care of the kids, he has three but is officially "single", however I would like to hear some other parenting strategies from Ricky Williams. Like, "Kids are easy to take care of, just put em in the back yard and strap a leash on em." Or, "You can leave kids in the car while you hit the grocery store. They wear diapers, for god sakes."

Ah, what the hell, this whole post is gonna be about Ricky Williams. If you don't like football, stick around anyways, this cat was pretty, um...free spirited.

For those that don't remember when Ricky Williams came into the league, he was annointed as the future of that franchise and the pro running back position. He came out of college with the highest career rushing total in NCAA history and had just won the Heisman in the most ridiculously lopsided race I can remember. The Saints traded a boatload of draft picks to get him.

He could have been in line to be one of the highest paid rookies in NFL history. So who does he enlist to negotiate his contract with the Saints? A guy named Percy Miller, otherwise known as Master P. Yes, that Master P. Can you see them meeting in the GM's office? "Yo. Yo, Saints owner. What's crackin with these incentive clauses? My man is here in the dirty, dirty south needing to gets that cheddar! You gotta "Make Us Say...Unngghhh, son!!!" But, at Ricky's request, they negotiated one of the strangest contracts in NFL history, with a couple million up front and then a bunch of incentives that would kick in if he reached certain stats during the season. I read an article back then where he was quoted saying something to the effect of, "That couple of million up front should keep me set for life." Yeah, after all it only takes about 79 cents to raise a kid.

So then he starts his rookie year and everybody wants to talk to him during training camp. So you'd see him do interviews...with his helmet on. He never took the thing off. Remember that incentive heavy "they only pay me for what I'm worth" contract? It's great unless you get hurt, and Ricky Williams did nothing better in his first year than get injured. Plus, the contract's incentives were not easy to attain. I think "Rush for 2000 yard score 20 TD's and then paint the entire Louisiana Superdome" was one of them. It really wasn't his fault. Senator Ditka, who was coaching him at the time, was basically calling him a fairy while he was playing with serious injuries on a horrendous team. I'm not even a Saints fan and I was pissed that he kept getting hurt, because it was so completely unnecessary!

Before he left the Saints two years ago, Ricky once suggested that the team move to Texas so he could be closer to home. What? You don't just go into your job and say "Hey, I like you guys, but could you move the office so it's down the block from my house? Super." Soon, the Saints had a comparable running back on the roster in Duece McAllister, who they weren't paying quite as much, and Ricky was traded to Miami. Not the best place for him to play football, because...

Ricky Williams likes to smoke weed. In an article I read today, Ricky said he would like to spend more time in Jamaica with his close friends... Bob Marley's kids. I'm not making it up. He just recently failed his second league drug test and was facing a big fine. This was a minor reason for his retirement he said. I think it falls under "the constraints put on my life by professional football." He also admitted to drinking a masking agent to cover up his drug use on previous tests. I think it's amiable that you can have a conviction so strong that you can stare a $3.5 million a year salary in the face and say, "Screw it. I'd rather smoke weed."

So, does he want to go on to a career in psychology, or acting, or anything that'll put that 79 cents in his pocket? He got a one way ticket to Asia (yeah, just somewheer in Asia, the largest continent on the planet) and says he just wants to have fun. Dolphins fans are pissed (as a Patriot fan, I could give a crap), but hopefully he finds happiness getting blunted out with Ziggy Marley and Co., while touring Asia, or whatever. He says he's finally free, doesn't give a crap about money and is set for a life of adventure.

Makes you think, doesn't it?

Random Movie Quote:*

Vince: So if your quitting the life, what'll you do?

Jules: That's what I've been sitting here contemplating. First, I'm gonna deliver this case to Marsellus. Then, basically, I'm gonna walk the earth. You know, like Caine in Kung Fu. Just walk from town to town, meet people, get in adventures.

Vince: You decided to be a bum? you're gonna be like those pieces of shit out there who beg for change. They walk around like a bunch of fuckin' zombies, they sleep in garbage bins, they eat what I throw away, and dogs piss on 'em. They got a word for 'em, they're called bums. And without a job, residence, or legal tender, that's what you're gonna be – a fuckin' bum!

-"Pulp Fiction" (1994)

I'm finished.
Nate

*- Loosely translated.

Shawn Kemp, The E! True Holywood Story.

First, I must apologize to Jaime for repeated spelling mistakes involving her name. Please accept my sincerest apologies, as of course this disrespect was not intended. I do apologize for any problems this error on my part may have caused. After all, it isn't your fault your parents couldn't figure out how to spell Jamie. Now on with the show.

Narrator: This is the E! True Hollywood Story of Shawn Kemp. Shawn Kemp grew up in Elkhart, IN where he was one of 15 black youths...in the state. In his senior season at Concord High School he led his team to an undefeated season and state title. High school coach, Norman "Hoosier" Thompkins..

Coach: He was the best player I have ever seen. I was truly blessed to have coached him. Do you know how easy it is for me to get laid these days? Undefeated season? State title? In Indiana? Shit, son. I'm knee deep in the...

Narrator: After high school, Kemp enrolled at the University of Kentucky but was unable to attain the lofty academic standards...of a state school in Kentucky. Then Kentucky basketball coach, Rick Pitino...

Pitino: Shawn Kemp was supposed to come here? I was too busy looking ahead to destroying the Celtics franchise in 1997, I didn't even notice.

Narrator: Kemp then attended Trinity Valley Comm. Coll. in Texas. However, he would never play there. Trinity coach, Lou Stein...

Stein: He said something to me like, "Coach, I just can't get enough poon here at Community College. I've gotta take my pimp game pro."

Narrator: And pimp he did. Drafted by the Seattle Supersonics with the 17th pick in the NBA draft. Kemp celebrated the historic night by knocking up his first groupie in the New York hotel he was staying at.

Kemp: She was all like, "You got a room here?" I'm like, "Yeah." She's like, "Who are you?" I'm like, "I'm Shawn Kemp. Just got drafted by Seattle." And it was on. It was on.

Narrator: Kemp became a force to be reckoned with in his first 5 years in the leauge, averaging around 15 points and 10 rebounds per game, as well as a leauge high 0.60 pregnancy/season ratio bringing his career kid count to four. Kemp even mananged to have two of his next three children with the same woman.

Kemp: I did? No shit? I thought she looked familiar.

Narrator: The fantasy ride continued for Kemp who in 1998 discovered, on a 3 hour layover in Dallas, that he had fathered a child there. The child had ironically been conceived on a previous 3 hour layover in Dallas. Former teammate, Kendall Gill...

Gill: That one kinda surprised him. Well, I guess surprise isn't exactly the word. More like he was surprised it was Dallas and not San Antonio. He thought for sure he had knocked that stripper up in San Antonio. He got lucky on that one.

Narrator: Then, before the 1998-99 season, the NBA players were "locked out" because they couldn't agree on a new deal with the leauge. During this time, Kemp underwent a drastic reformation. Former coach, that guy that coached Cleveland in 1998-99...

That guy: He started eating. A lot. And drinking heavily. Between the food and booze and child support payments, he barely had any money left for condoms!

Narrator: And it showed, by the time the abbreviated season started in 1999 Kemp had fathered two more children, by the same mother, and ballooned from his svelt, athletic rookie body, into somewhere in the "Dad from Family Matters" territory. Kemp's career continued in Portland and Orlando before finally ending in 2002-03. Looking back, NBA commissioner David Stern...

Stern: Sure he was a 6 time All Star and was one of the original NBA players to not attend college. But the one thing he could do better than anyone of his era, was father illegitimate children. Seven children with five baby mommas? That is a record for the ages.

Narrator: Former heavyweight boxing champ and father of five illegitimate children, Evander Holyfield...

Holyfield: He's the greatest. Ali was the greatest at knock outs. Kemp was the greatest at knock ups.

Narrator: Kemp recently signed with the Oklahoma Storm of the CBA, and will be bringing his fathering ways to small towns all over the country. He also recently signed a shoe deal for the first time in almost seven years. He will be endorsing a shoe called simply "thePump." CEO of thePump, Nathan Holtslander..

Umm, me: You've got a shoe called thePump. You think Shawn Kemp, don't you? It's just makes sense.

Narrator: After the original airing of this show, Shawn Kemp had another kid and supposedly had an attempt made on his life. We wish him the best.

THE END

I'm finished.
And tired of typing.
Nate

Running and rescues.

I went out running this morning.  Read that last sentence again.  I wasn't running from the cops or for my life, I was just running for the sake of exercise.  You know what I found out?  Two things, a) I'm not going to be the freakish "push yourself!" type of runner (not yet anyway, but you gotta start somewhere) and b) my hip is screwed up.  However, I did take pride in the fact that I was out there at a) 7:00am, b) after already loading an elliptical machine into a van, and c) not hungover.  It felt pretty darned good.  I know what your saying, "Nate, you can't exercise and stop drinking beer!  Anheuser-Busch will never survive!"  Don't fear my children.  I'm merely cutting back a little bit.  As I approach my 24th birthday (on August 12th for those of you shopping early), I realized that a few life changes probably have the potential to make me a better, more well-rounded person.  That is my goal.  Good lord, did I just set a goal?
 
OK, did anybody see the video of that car chase over the Fox River bridge (the big one you go over on I-43 on your way to Milwaukee/Chicago) on the news? If not, you can get the video and story through a link, available at greenbaypressgazette.com  I saw it on "Good Morning America" and they interviewed the trooper involved.  It was simply unbelievable.  
 
I invite you all to check back in later tonight.  In conjunction with the development of my plan to bring back "The Pump" shoes (solely [get it? sole-ly? {is this how you are supposed to group stuff inside parentheses?}] to compete with Jamie's "LA Knights" brand), I will be writing a breif synopsis of the "E! True Hollywood Story"  for the front runner to be our spokesperson, former NBA legend Shawn Kemp.  That last sentence had 62 words in it.  Be assured, you do not want to miss this.  Until then...  
 
I'm finished.
 Nate

Hia-what-the-hell did I do last night?

Had another outstanding weekend, just in case you were keeping score at home.  Thanks to some well laid plans by my contingent in Marquette, I was able to attended the Hiawatha Music Festivoolae, for next to nothing.  I know what you're saying, "Nate, good lord.  You show your affection for Britney Spears a couple of days ago, now your attending Hippie Fest USA?"  It's not like that.  There was some decent music, some hotties, good eats, drum circle things with girlies dancing around a fire, and lots and lots of drunk ass people.  In all, it was worth the price of admission.
 
Oh, and on top of it, I was pretty hammered my damn self.  I think we crashed out at 3:30am and woke up around 10:00am.  I was OK until I got back to Rapid and got some food in me.  Suddenly, all I wanted to do was sleep.  Jamie had told me of her unfortunate visit from the Regurgitation Fairy this morning, and I was hoping that said Fairy had decided to pass me by.  Thankfully, I survived the day without vomitting and even got some yard work done.  I can puke after just a couple beers, depending on how much I eat.  I might puke after a night of drinking, especially if liquor is involved.  I have never, and hopefully will never, puke the next day.  It's a streak of Cal Ripkin proportions.
 
So, I have been getting to do all this cool stuff while I'm not working.  I look at it like this, I'm like a convict that's waiting to go to prison.  I've got three weeks until my job at Thrivent starts,  I might as well make the most of it, right?  I should do things like go to a Brewers game.  Things like explore Door County. Things like getting crazy on the dance floor to some banjo music.  My motto for the next couple of weeks, "If it feels good, give it a try."  I may even go hiking. (gasp!) What have I become?
 
Well that's all I got.  Pass the bong.
 
Kidding. Duh.
 
I'm finished.
Nate

Songs for Swinging Larvae.*

I think it is high time that I address a very serious issue to me.  It is one that has plagued me since high school and still does until this day.  It's a problem that involves a pusher, trying to prey on weakness.  It is the problem of people trying to get me "in to" crappy music.  Just to let you know: I'm gonna get pissed here.  
 
You know these people, or maybe you are one.  The guy who's like:   "Hey, can I put my CD in? There's this song by this Irish punk/ska band, the song's called "Flaming Buildings."  It's kind of an Iraqi war protest song.  I think you're gonna love it."    
 
So you let them put it on, hoping it will make them happy, and it's some travashammockery of a song that sounds like Green Day and Korn collided with Big Bad Voodoo Daddy.  Of course that's just the beginning. They ask you, "I know you're into rap (because rap, hip-hop and R&B all fall under the same category, but Dublin Trombones have a special genre called Punk/Ska), but wasn't that a cool song?"
 
You try to tell them, "Well, it's not my cup of tea."  So, they try harder.  "Just listen to Number Six. Number Six is awesome."  What, are you getting commission every time the song's played?  Number Six, as it turns out, sucks harder than "Burning Buildings" did.  Of course, while it's playing, they are telling you the entire history of the band, including other "progressive" bands you've never heard of that they've been in (most of which have at least one member who has died of a heroine overdose, making them "hardcore.")  
 
My plea to these people is this: "Leave me the F alone. I'll chose my own music, thanks."  As you can see from my profile, I have a widely varied taste in music, ranging from Brooks & Dunn to Linkin Park.  I'm sure the Dropkick Murphys are a great band and if I ever heard one of their songs playing at a party, I wouldn't protest.  I just do not want to be forced to listen to them. OK?  Are we clear?  I like a song by the Baha Men called "Move It Like This."  I never make people listen to it, because they would say, "Nice song.  Did you remember to let the dogs out?  Baha Men suck!"  What if I said, "Hey, your band, Pumpkin Seed Necrophiliacs, sucks."  All of a sudden I'm too "pop," and I'm close minded.  No, I just don't have time to read "Garage Band Weekly" for the latest on some broke band with really "experimental" music. Sorry.  
 
So that's it.  And if I get one comment, from anyone, that says: "Hey, Dropkick Murphys kick ass!" You've proved my point.  So don't.  I will listen to my "rap", my country, my Linkin Park and be very happy.  
 
But, if you've got a minute, there's a song by this girl from Louisiana.  It's called "Everytime" by Britney Spears.**  You should really listen to it.  I have the CD in my car. Can I play it?  
 
I'm finished.
Nate  
 
*- Song for Swinging Larvae is an actual album by "Renaldo & the Loaf." Look it up. I dare you.
**- I really do like "Everytime" by Britney. 

Four more years!

I got to see our 43rd president, George W. Bush tonight! I don't know if anyone went to it in Marquette, or how the thing was set up there, but we got down near the Resch Center for 3:30pm for Bush's arrival at 6:00pm. I'm thinking, "Sweet. Two and a half hours of this plastic seat." So they had some Christian soul singers up there, then 3 Republicans that are vyeing to get beat by Russ Feingold in the state house race, then a good cover band and then...

"Ladies and Gentlemen, a man who uses politics for most of his material: Mr. Dennis Miller!"

What? Holy shit, it is Dennis Miller! So he talked for a while... and was hilarious! "When it comes to the war, Kerry's a chess player. He would analyze all the situations until the clock runs out and we lose our turn. Bush is a checkers player: Sometimes you run into a punk...and you jump him!" Just friggin' awesome! So, I got to see Dennis Miller for free. Then Dennis says...

"I'd like to introduce a man who knows more about the desert than the Iraqis, from Las Vegas, Nevada...Mr. Wayne Newton!"

Wayne Effin' Newton. He was performing 30 feet from where we were sitting! He sang Donkershane (however you spell it) and a few other songs. That was Wayne Newton, folks! These tickets were free!

While GW is on his way down Lombardi St. I said to my cousin Ethen, "They should play Toby Keith's "The Angry American." And as if the presidential DJ was listening to me, it starts blaring over the speakers! I'm all on my feet and singing it, holding a big Green and Gold sign that said, "Bush is MY President!" So, then George W. rolls in (literally. They drove the bus directly into the Resch.) and gave a rousing speach that made me feel good about my safety, the economy, and the strength of this great nation! I played it cool, I'm all like "Woooooohhhhhoooooooo! Four More Years! Four More Years! Wwwwwoooooooooo!" Good Lord! It was awesome.

I just had to get all of that out!

I'm finished.
Nate

The Bush Auditorium?

So, my sister called me today from the Superior Dome and said "I was just four feet from President Bush!" Then she started to tear up a little. I must say I am quite proud that we have another potential Republican in the family. My parents raised us to be good strict followers of the Ummm...Politics? Party. It's not that they are misinformed hicks, just that they don't get into politics all that much. As for me, it's like Grant would say: "You're a Democrat in Republican clothing." He's partly right. I have some left wing views on abortion, gay rights, and a few other social issues. I don't however, support a lot of the tactics of "tax and spend liberals" to fund a lot of sometimes unneccessary social programs. In the end though, my alliance lies solely with Bush. I did read a little blurb about the visit on Fox News.com, and saw a quote from one of the NMU Poly-Sci professors, Robert Kulishek. How you can ask a Northern professor about a)politics, b)George W. Bush, c)Republicans in general, and you don't include Dr. William Ball? How? He could have made a comment along the lines of:

"People generally vote Democrat in the U.P. because they are stupid. I don't know what the hell's wrong with 'em! Maybe enough of these inbreds will be impressed enough that Bush visited here and "Plasticface" Kerry didn't, that they'll change their minds. I gotta go have a smoke."

I love that guy. Also in that article, they reffered to the Superior Dome, probably the largest structure, capacity wise, in the U.P. as a "wooden domed auditorium." Excuse my language, but they play effin' football in there!! They don't call Lambeau Field an outdoor green-colored auditorium. They don't call Ford Field an effin' gym, do they?!?! I think they need to fire the Superior Audito... I mean Dome's P.R. guy (assuming such a position exists), post haste!

For me it was just another day of looking for part time jobs and reading news stories on the internet. You know, this isn't a bad life. What was that? No money. Oh yeah. Buzzkill. Talked to a good friend who is in the hospital today for surgery. She has to have more procedures done tomorrow and will probably be in MGH until Friday. Makes me feel lucky that I haven't had any invasive procedures in a while. Had a bit of a scare yesterday, as Matt and I were helping a neighbor move a very large (and very expensive) new TV. I had to readjust my grip and, to make a long story short, heard my hip "pop." I'm not sure how bad it was, but thankfully it feels better all ready so I'm not too worried. Last night however, it hurt like hell (like "only can sleep on one side" hurt like hell.)

Well guys, sorry about not being very humorous lately. I've been writing posts earlier in the day and for some reason, I'm just not very funny at this time of the day. You'll also noticed that I put some links on the sidebar. I was trying to get a ticker to work over there with the temperature in different parts of Wisconsin, but screwed that one up bad. So, go to the links if you feel like it. I'll probably add more in the future.

I'm finished.
Hoss



;-)

Lasting "effects" and the long weekend.

Wow. What a 48 hour period. I left Green Bay Saturday morning to go to Iron Mountain. Spent the whole day (and a majority of the night) hanging out with some great folks at Beej's graduation party. Oh, and I had a couple of beers. OK. Maybe it was more than a couple. Beej and Katie seem to be doing very well in Seattle and Gabe and his girl Beth were there as well, so all was good. Sunday morning, I decide I want to go to Marquette, and do. After a quick shower at Lori's, I had lunch/dinner with Karissa, a couple of cocktails with Gabe and Beth, and hung with Ash, Bridget and Co. (sadly, no Jamie but as she said "Maybe you could call next time.") to watch a movie. I then caught about an hour and a half of sleep and drove back to Green Bay...at 3:45 AM CST. Got in around 7:00 AM, and I must say driving in the early morning is very relaxing. Very action packed weekend all around!

The one movie that I watched with that crew last night was "The Butterfly Effect." Ashly had asked for comments about it last night, I decided to wait until today. The movie can be summed up in one word: overdone. Ashton Kutcher can go back in time and change things that he did in his life at key points that eventually have a ripple effect, drastically changing the course of the future. It's an interesting concept and the unexpected cut scenes provide plenty of startling chills, but it is all just too much. I mean, first of all, Michael Kelso is playing a serious role. He pulls it out for the most part, but a the end of the day, this is the guy from "Dude, Where's My Car." It's difficult to get past that. I think Amy Smart may have blown her last chance to get to Reese Witherspoon Territory and may be making her permanent residence in Tara Reid-ville. Anyways, some of the scenes in this movie were downright depraved and disturbing and that leaves an effect. I didn't fully understand the ending, but then again I did doze a couple of times during the viewing. And one question for anyone that's seen the movie: Did Ethan Suplee's character, Thumper the big goth guy roomate, serve a purpose in this movie? At all? Just askin.

So that was a random movie review. I heard something hilarious a couple of weeks ago, my uncle Matt had vaccuumed out my cousin Dillon's car, presumably because he had got dirt in there from golfing. He comes back in and says "OK, Dillon, I'm done. I pimped your ride." That is funny, I don't care who you are.

I'm finished.
Nate

Thriven' in the Fox Valley.

Today starts with a movie quote*:

Carl Fox: You could've been a doctor, a lawyer, instead you waste your time being a salesman!
Bud Fox: Dad, I'm not a salesman. I'm an Account Representative, there's a difference.
Carl Fox: You ask strangers for money, right? You're a salesman.

-"Wall Street"(1987)

Not a particularily funny scene, but very powerful to me as I was set to embark on the sea of uncertainty that is Salesmanship. I can do this, and be very successful. But in the back of my head, I always said stuff like, "What if I have a bad week?", "What if I don't want to pressure people into buying things they don't want? And what if that was required?" So, as is the story of my life these days, "When the going gets tough, the tough find new jobs."

Yep. I now have upgraded (and I do mean upgraded) my employer 3 times in the last 10 days. I've taken a customer service representative position with Thrivent Financial in Appleton (if you're ever in the area, it's the H-U-G-E building after the Ballard Rd. exit.) It's funny because after my AFLAC interview, my dad and I were driving around that building and I said something to the effect of, "Damn. I've always wanted to work in a big building like that." Oh, and guess what? They pay a salary. You know, that money you're guaranteed to get for going to work or getting trained? Not commission based. Sweet. However, this does cancel my trip to Chicago, but who wants to spend 12 days in that yucky city anyways?

That also opens up my availability to go to Iron Mountain tomorrow for Beej/Beej's sister's graduation party. Originally I wasn't going to go, as it would add extra drive time to my already long drive to the Windy City on Sunday. I will catch ya'll later.

I'm finished.
Nate

*- loosely interpreted

That's all, folks!

You know you had one. Yeah, I'm talking to you. Nobody reading this (or anyone under age 30 for that matter) can say that they did not have a Looney Tunes shirt. Whether it was an oversized Tweety Bird nightgown, a green and gold tee sporting a picture of Taz in a Packer helmet, or even the sweatshirt that boasted yourself as a proud alumnus of Looney University, you know you had one. Even I fell victim to the trend. Of course I did it a year after everyone else did, because my mother read the book, "Complete Parents Guide To Keeping Your Children From Ever Fitting In" when I was in junior high. I mean, everybody was wearing these shirts! Jocks, hot chicks, stoners, not-so-hot chicks, teachers, fat kids, skinny kids, foreign kids...I challenge you to name one person from your past that you could not picture in a Looney Tunes shirt. Can't do it, can you?

The reason I bring this up of course is last week's discussion about the affect of the 90's on us today. In the 2000's, I believe all manufacturing of Looney Tunes merchandise has been relagated to WTOA (White Trash Outfitters of America), Inc. Can you think of anything else that goes better with a mullet or screams "Git' er done!" louder than a shirt with Marvin the Martian pointing his death ray off into the distance? I don't believe that Looney Tunes have ever been featured on a NASCAR shirt, as the two universes colliding would certainly unleash a force that would instantly put a broken down Chevy Cavalier in everyone's front yard and convert every house in America into a trailer.

Finally, can we quickly delve into why the Looney Tunes were popular in the first place? Have you ever seen a format of "entertainment" that has been so obsolete for so long? Did you ever really laugh at Bugs Bunny, that Wascally Wabbit, as he complicated the lives of Yosemite Sam and Elmer Fudd (amongst others.) The only real all star in the Looney stable was the Road Runner/Wile E. Coyote combination (and if it wasn't already taken, wouldn't Wile E. Coyote be a stellar name for a porn actor?) Why did it get to be 1994 and, all of a sudden people said, "Jeez Louise, I need a closet full of Looney Tunes shirts, stat! And I better pick up some Jordache jeans while I'm at it!" Was this an omen? Like "...then began the thousand years, when the tobacco chewing and those driving Chevy pickups shall inherit the earth?" I just don't think Looney Tunes are that funny (of course I think Kanye West may be the most overrated thing since internet stocks, too...and a lot of people freak out about him.)

Holy crap. I just saw this.

Hey, what's that old car doing in the front yard?

I'm finished.
Nate

The #1 Thug.

Remember the days when you thought there were great jobs out there? Here's one that I always thought I could try out for, if starting lineman for the Chicago Bears (my old favorite team) fell through: thug for rich villians. Every good villian in the movies always has at least 5 - 10 thugs hanging around. In fact there is a character in the cast of the immortal saloon epic "Road House" named Jimmy, Wesley's No. 1 Thug, played of course by Newport, Tennessee's own Marshall R. Teague, in a typical Marshall R. Teague role. These guys hang around all day at the boss's mansion, just waiting for something bad to happen. And it always does. Their boss messes with some innocent good hearted people, then Chuck Norris usually comes in and just beats the living piss out of these dudes with various forms of slow motion martial arts moves. They rarely get killed (or take more than one punch), get to hang out at a mansion, and wear cool Miami Vice-esque clothes. I wanted that job.

(Speaking of Chuck Norris, how did he not get the part of Dalton in "Road House?" Casting agents are sitting around thinking, "OK, we need a semi-wooden actor, must be a bad ass and good at magically turning love scenes into painfully awkward moments." If that doesn't describe Chuck Norris in "Walker Texas Ranger" I don't know what the heck does! Instead, they take Patrick "Just Did Dirty Dancing" Swayze. You gotta be kidding me.)

Sadly, a quick search on monster.com for "personal assistant," cross referenced with "weapons training" and "pink shirts" yeilded no results. Of course, there's no opening for "swimsuit model masseuse" or "late sleeping Playstation operator", either. Damn.

If you all want to check out something wicked cool, the trailer for the movie "Blade: Trinity" was posted on its website www.bladetrinity.com last week. My boy Ryan Reynolds plays a badass vampire hunter named Hannibal King. The thing looks off the chain.

Gotta try to get the Gutlass switched over with some new Wisconsin plates and hopefully a new Wisconsin driver's license for yours truly tomorrow. Six days until the city of CHI and a lot to do.

I'm finished.
Nate