Randomness, Vol 8

Someday (obviously long after I'm done working for Sue and Amy and the whole TFL family), I'm going to get high on the reefer and contemplate things like, "The Universe has no edge and no center." Thanks, PBS.

(Guy brings a case of MGD 64 up to the counter.)
Cashier: "Oh, MGD 64. I love this stuff. It's perfect for me, because I don't like the taste of beer."
I cannot describe it any better. It's beer for people that don't like the taste and inebriating effects that beer provides.

So apparently, you can act a fool and not cooperate with a police officer as long as you're a black Harvard professor and can blame it on racial profiling.

When accepting an ESPY Award recently, Michael Phelps said that he couldn't have won the 4 x 100 freestyle relay at the Beijing Olympics without the other three members of the team. In case you were wondering how a relay team worked.

As funny as the Miller High Life commercials are, they are getting absurd from a believability standpoint. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that the VIP sections ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_lS9T99guQU ) of hot nightclubs are not frequented by people who drink the stuff. I don't think TMZ is ever going to post pictures of Lindsey Lohan slamming the "Champagne of Beers" at Body English in Vegas. Just sayin.

So, I woke up early for work one morning last week... like TWO HOURS early. While flipping through the channels I passed MTV and was blindsided by what may be the most ridiculous music video of all time. ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hb0KowdtK6Y ) I have a great appreciation for for the female form and the breasts that come with it, but even I thought this was gratuitous.

Domino's American Legends. Finally, the genius of the best and brightest culinary minds from around the country is seamlessly fused with really bad pizza.

If you've got some free time on your hands and are looking for a little free entertainment, maybe give a listen to the Adam Carolla podcast. I would describe it as "refreshingly irreverent."
http://www.adamcarolla.com
iTunes ( http://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?id=306390087 )

Every 5 years, we need the song "Here Comes the Hotstepper" by Ini Kamoze reintroduced to prominence in our everyday lives. I dare you to disagree with me... ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3uZhh4HpKI ) This might replace "The Final Countdown" someday as the song I want to walk down the aisle to.

Microsoft released their new online search engine Bing last month. Were there people out there that Google wasn't good enough for? If someone were to ask you, "You know how stuff is hard to find on the Internet?" wouldn't your immediate response be, "Um, no."

Whatever happened to skywriting? You know planes that would write things with exhaust in the sky, like: "KRSTEN WILL YOU MARRY ME?" (Not the strongest speller, that one.) I just assumed from watching Looney Tunes when I was a kid that skywriting would be a regular form of communication when I got older. Nope. I think I saw a plane do it once when I was 10 years old at County Stadium in Milwaukee. Not sure what he was spelling, because the first letter had disappeared by the time he got to the fourth letter. I guess it isn't a good form of communication after all. Thank God for texting.

Former NFL player Korey Stringer died about 8 years ago from heatstroke while practicing in the middle of the hot Minnesota summer. For a long time there has been debate about the safety of making football players practice in sweltering heat, and his death was for sure a tragedy. Flash forward to 2009, where a judge has OK'd a lawsuit to go to trial in which his family is suing Riddell, the company that made his helmet and shoulder pads.

W.
T.
F.
?

"A federal judge in Ohio concluded that manufacturer Riddell Inc. had a duty to warn Stringer that its helmets and shoulder pads could contribute to heat stroke when used in hot conditions." Apparently the judge motioned to the bailiff to remove common sense from the courtroom that day, because I'm failing to see how any of this could be Riddell's fault. You really have to warn people about this? You know what else contributes to heat stroke? Practicing football in the middle of the effin summer!!!

The family's lawyer was happy about the decision because it helps to "make sure what happened to Korey doesn't happen to any other football player -- from the National Football League all the way down to kids in Pop Warner. This decision should go a long way to ensure it doesn't." Um, NO IT WON'T, jackass! You mean to tell me that if Riddell puts big warnings on it's equipment, no one will ever die from heatstroke again during football practice? OK, stick with that story. What else does this decision "ensure"? It probably ensures your client is going to make a monetary settlement out of court with Riddell and you can go ahead and get your direct deposit information out.

So, as a public service, I am going to warn people about some other products that could be potentially harmful:

• Wearing a Cabela's GORE-TEX MT050 Extreme Weather 7-in-1 Parka in the middle of Death Valley National Park in August may cause heatstroke and possibly death.


• If you drive a 2010 Mercury Milan Hybrid into a wall at 55 mph, it may cause great bodily harm and possibly death.


• Standing by a wall and having someone throw an Old Hickory 7" Carbon Steel Butcher Knife at you from across the room may cause deep gashes in the torso and possibly death.


• Using a Twin Peaks BX sleeping bag from The North Face could be hazardous to your health... when used next to a bear den and filled with salmon.

You've been warned.

I'm finished,
Nate

Randomness, Vol 7

In the 2006 movie "Idiocracy", the hero is transported hundreds of years into the future where society has been severely dumbed down by centuries of stupid people reproducing at higher rates than the educated. The most popular show in this future is a Jackass type program called "Ow! My Balls!" which shows various depictions of people in situations where they fall down and go boom, essentially. This provides the idiots of the future with hours of entertainment that won't make their brains hurt. On a related note, watch "Wipeout", Wednesdays at 8/7c on ABC!

Sesame seeds are good at sticking to things: Big Mac buns, sesame shrimp, bagels, the BACK OF YOUR THROAT! Seriously, it's like they get spot welded back there.

Late last month we had a heat advisory here in Wisconsin. Don't get me wrong, it was miserable. But, do you think places like Ethiopia and Libya ever have "heat advisories?" What would it have to get up to? 120°? 125°?

The WWE promotes a program in which their wrestlers encourage youngsters to read more. A noble cause to be sure, but it seems slightly counter-productive to cultivating a future fan base.

The Bacon Cheesy Potato Burrito? I have not tried it yet, but it sounds like what happens when you mash a bunch of things together that are good on their own but end up sucking out loud when combined. Like "Ocean's Twelve."

Prescription commercials are terrible. Do you ever notice that when they are explaining the side effects, they try do distract the viewer? Like they show a motherly looking woman putting a freshly baked apple pie out on the window sill while in the background they explain, "May cause nausea, dizziness, hives and asphyxiation." Or they'll show a couple in their 70s riding bikes along the Pacific coastline accompanied by, "If you begin to feel depressed or have thoughts of driving a monster truck through a playground, consult your doctor... and probably the police." (Also, is it bad that I went straight to David Carradine's Wikipedia page for the spelling of asphyxiation?)

Had a harrowing experience at work a couple of days back. As I was warming up my delicious SmartOnes entree in the microwave, a line of one person formed behind me right after I put it in. After three minutes, I pulled it out to stir per the directions and put it back in for 1 1/2 minutes. Someone walks by and asked the person behind me "Warming up lunch, huh?" to which their response was, "Yeah... trying to." HEY! If you can't wait the five minutes it takes someone to warm up their lunch, you may want to consider packing a sandwich and some carrot sticks or something! Try a granola bar and a bag of Fritos! Or better yet, maybe go to one of the FIVE OTHER MICROWAVES within reasonable walking distance! Have you read the side of the box on one of these things? It says, "DO NOT UNDERCOOK. YOU MAY DIE" (and they don't try to distract you with picture of a middle aged guy playing fetch with a dog, they are 'effin blunt about it.) Therefore, I am not going to risk salmonella just because you were soooo unfortunate to be in line after me. Sheesh.

You know what would be a great idea for a TV Show? "Lowering the Bar". Basically, a legal drama where the main characters lose all the time. Whether it be Perry Mason or Boston Legal or LA Law, for the most part, these shows almost always depict lawyers with high winning percentages. How about a show where after the trial, the counseler tells his client things like, "Well, I tried my best. After all, you did violate the restraining order your ex-wife had against you three times in the month before she was killed. I'm not a miracle worker here." I changed my mind, this is a terrible idea.

Actual conversation between my and my hetero life mate, Grant last week:
Nate: "So, who do you think will win Wimbledon? Does Roddick have any chance against Federer?"
Grant: "Tennis? Do you have a gambling problem that I'm not aware of?"

As I've mentioned, I've been listening to some old CDs at work lately. Plowed through Big & Rich's "Horse of a Different Color" a couple weeks back. I will never, ever understand how the song "Six Foot Town" didn't get popular, but yet you can hear frickin' "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk" every hour on the hour on country radio. It makes me crazy. Rascal Flatts gets every song they make on the air, even though they are atrocious, yet they can't release the second best song from a triple platinum album from Big & Rich? Really? Six Foot Town was so NOT popular, this live version was the best video I could find of it: http://video.aol.com/video-detail/big-and-rich-alive-in-deadwood-six-foot-town/1065259188

And God love em, they're probably trying their best, but everyone related to the Repbulican Party cannot seem to get out of their own way.

- You've got governors running off to Venezuela to be with their mistresses for a week without telling anybody.
- You've got states that B-R-O-K-E, with Republican governors "threatening" to refuse stimulus money that's already been signed into law.
- You've got Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-NC) saying that the Matthew Shepard killing "wasn't because he was gay." ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZmB4EiQtQI )
- You've got everything that Bill O'Reilly says.

Do you people realize that the Daily Show exists for the sole purpose of skewering every ridiculous thing you say? Do ya? Think before you say something! Funny thing from the podcast "Keith & the Girl" last week ( www.keithandthegirl.com ), regarding Gov. Sanford resignation as the head of the Republican Governor's Association after the whole mistress in South America thing broke. "Probably a good idea on his part. That sounds like a great place to meet even more mistresses."

This really sucks as I do feel that the Republican party has some good ideas as well as ideals, but they just can't stop sounding like idiots. It's like a guy who has a game plan for a great first date. He's going to bring the flowers, he's going to let her pick the activity that she wants to do, at the end of the night he's got a few lines to use that will be really complimentary without sounding like he's just trying to get laid. He's got this great plan, and then he shows up at the door and says, "Holy cow, nice tits!"

Speaking of the GOP...

NATHAN TALKS TO FAMOUS PEOPLE:
Sarah Palin resigned as the Governor of Alaska last week with her plans unclear. Obviously, she's sure to be one of the leading candidates to run for President in 2012.

"Hey, Sarah. Have a seat. OK, here's the thing. You aren't going to be President. You get destroyed in interviews and get rattled in debates, you're family kinda has Spears-esque tendencies, you called David Letterman "a rapist" (still scratching my head on that one), etc... Let's put it this way, I'm not voting for anyone that can't name one news magazine that she reads. You need to take your charisma and that adorable accent combined with your marginal political knowledge and do a talk show. It's not hard. Mark McGrath left Sugar Ray and hosted "Extra" for a while. Anything that Mark McGrath can do, I'm 70-80% certain that Sarah Palin can do."

I'm finished,
Nate