Randomness, Vol 12

We had a big scare this week when a kid reportedly took off in a hot air balloon. Initially I thought, "That's what happens when you play 'Grand Theft Balloon' for PlayStation 3 too much. You steal the first one you come across. Next thing you know, you're beating up a hooker." Thankfully, the kid never took the balloon and was safe and sound.

Jeff Dunham will be bringing his trunk filled with dummies to his new show on Comedy Central, debuting Oct. 22. Finally, someone is satiating the American public's voracious appetite for ventriloquism!

So, I'm 29 years old now, and all of a sudden, every kids movie is in digital hi-def and 3-D. Awesome. THIS COULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED WHEN I WAS 9 YEARS OLD?!?! Yeah, because I wouldn't have wanted to see "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids" in 3-D. A kid in the middle of a giant Cheerio coming out of the screen at me? That wouldn't have been freaking awesome at all.

A man was arrested in Pennsylvania for breaking into a house. Cops were able to track him down because he logged into his Facebook account at the house and forgot to log out. I hope finding out that someone has a pink cow available for adoption on Farmville is worth the jail time, ya knucklehead.

The National Parks: America's Best Idea, a documentary by Ken Burns, was some of the most interesting and informative TV I've seen in a long time.

I only barely get the reason that Jim Beam and Jack Daniel's flavored barbecue sauces are available. Budweiser flavored barbecue sauce? I mean, I like beer. And I like barbecue sauce. And I like beer. (Did I already say that?) I'm not convinced that they are two great tastes that go great together. I'll let this one slide, but if I ever go into the store and see an Olde English 800 Malt Liquor barbecue sauce, I'm throwing every bottle of it in a trash can and lighting it on fire with a bottle of nail polish remover from the health and beauty aisle.

A part time census worker in rural Kentucky was bound, gagged and hanged with the word "FED" written on his chest. Couple of things: A) The Bluegrass State is making a strong play to become the site of an "Escape from New York type" prison, in which we just build a 50 foot concrete wall around the whole state and throw in our worst criminals to fend for themselves. What've we got to lose, besides people that kill census workers because they equate them to "feds?" B) Some of the conservative media responses to this story have been downright heinous. I'll let you read them for yourselves. Hey, Dan Riehl? Maybe you shouldn't write stuff anymore if you're going to call a guy who adopts a male child a possible "gay child predator" with no proof. Just a thought.

You've gotta love TLC's "Say Yes to the Dress." Nothing like seeing someone buy a dress for the approximate cost of a 2010 Toyota Camry to make you feel good about the fact that you're hoping your energy bill for next month isn't too high.

I think I speak for everyone who has watched TV on a regular basis for the past decade or so when I say, "They're still making new episodes of One Tree Hill?"

I'm sure that in the limited time that Barack Obama has had his office and the public eye in general, he's done enough to deserve a Nobel Peace Prize. Also, I'm sure Forrest Gump deserved to win an Oscar for Best Picture over Pulp Fiction and Shawshank Redemption. To be fair, in 1994 the Peace Prize was shared by Yasser Arafat, Shimon Peres and the late Yitzhak Rabin for fixing that Middle East peace problem. So, maybe it's not a prize that actually requires results after all.

I think it's ridiculous that virtually every travel guide for cities will tell you to visit the farmer's market if they have a famous one. Like I'm gonna go to Los Angeles and get some lettuce to take home with me. Is it even legal to take vegetables across state lines?

Where the hell did the term "Fashion Police" come from? Is it simply that someone should be arrested for doing something offensive (but not illegal) and if that thing happens to be wearing something aesthetically offensive, the "Fashion Police" should be called? Are there other faux police forces that we could report people to?

• "Kanye, we are going to call the Tact Police on you!"


• "Am I going to have to call the Fidelity Police on you, Republican Party?"


• "The Gratitude Police just put out an APB for Megan Fox."


• "Mary Kate and Ashley... actually, we are going to call those Fashion Police on you. Those outfits are pretty hideous."


• "Oh Michael Moore, you rascal! You better get out of here before the Watchability Police show up!"


• "Chris Brown, someone should call the police on you. Like, the real police. Pretty sure beating girls up is a felony."

I'm finished,
Nate