Has there been a more useless invention in our lifetime than the third window at the drive thru that is never used for anything other than storing boxes? Someone had a great idea back in the mid 90s to have two separate windows, one where you pay and one where you pick up your food. Some guy name Frank probably didn't have anything to contribute in that meeting, but didn't want to come off as uncreative, so he added "If one extra window is good, why not a second one?" Good work, Frank.
When the Vikings were flying Brett Favre up to Minnesota yesterday, do you thing they opened the hatch somewhere around Sun Prairie so he could take an actual dump on Wisconsin at the same time he was dropping a big, steaming metaphorical pile on the state?
"Give a hoot - don't pollute." Really, Woodsy Owl? Smokey the Bear and McGruff the Crime Dog must make fun of him mercilessly behind his back for that catchphrase. They have to be calling him Woodsy the Cable Guy when he's not around, no?
The Cassini spacecraft found evidence of liquid water on one of the moons of Saturn. Sweet. Can we live there? No? Moving on.
Can someone explain to me what the hell is going on with bubble gum flavors? Savage Sour Apple? Sour Double Berry? The seven different varieties that incorporate the unholy artificial watermelon flavor? Bubble Yum makes a flavor that is supposed to taste like... ready to hurl?... Hershey's chocolate. Look, Bubblicious used to make a flavor called Cherry Cola and it was fan-freakin-tastic. You bring that back, give me some Paradise Punch to go with it, maybe some Gonzo Grape for when I'm feeling frisky and call it a day. I don't need gum to taste like mango, OK?
I find it hard to believe that in 2009, they still sell ties with cartoon characters on them. The cartoon tie says, "I know how to dress professionally, but as you can tell by the drawing of Foghorn Leghorn on my tie, I can not, I say, can not be taken seriously."
How simple do we need to make pregnancy tests? There is one on the market now that gives a digital readout that spells out "pregnant" or "not pregnant". They claim that studies show a high percentage of tests are misread. Really?!?! Are these people taking the test out of the box and immediately shredding the instructions? I'm sure most of us have been on the business end of waiting for the results of a pregnancy test at one point or another. It's not something where you want to try winging it. Just sayin.
Anyone that spends any amount of time devising a plan to lay a finger on someone else's Butterfinger needs to:
a) seriously re-evaluate their priorities in life
b) maybe clean out the ashtray in their car and make a trip to the vending machine.
Don't you feel that horror movies have become much less plausible since the advent of cell phones?
Toyota has a commercial where a lady is carrying a couple bags of groceries, talking on a cell phone and inadvertently pulls the door handle off of her dilapidated vehicle. The commercial suggests that this would be a perfect time for her to take advantage of the "cash for clunkers" program. Hey, Toyota? I'm guessing that someone driving a 1983 RAV4 might not have the economic resources to be in the market for a new Highlander Hybrid.
- The redbox kiosk is a genius idea. Rent new releases for a dollar a night while you're going into the grocery store? Yeah, OK.
- Netflix is also a genius idea. Make a list of movies you want to see, watch one, send it back, rinse, repeat.
So, when Hollywood studios gets involved, you just know they are going to take two ingenious ideas and eff them up as bad as they can. Warner Bros joined Fox and Universal by announcing plans to not provide new releases to redbox or Netflix until 28 days after they are released to the public (at Best Buy, for example.) The argument is that the low cost rentals are a major contributing factor to slumping DVD sales. This can all be avoided of course, as long as the rental outfits agree to share rental revenues. I think a lawyer for Warner Bros was actually quoted saying, "Give us more money, buddy!"
So, basically the studios had agreed to sell the DVDs wholesale to redbox back when it first came out, then the economy tanked and people stopped buying DVDs, so the studios feel that this climate no longer suits them and they want to change the game. They came out with a better way to distribute your product, assholes! Nobody buys DVDs any more because, a) people are friggin broke and b) DVDs are wicked expensive. There's no way I'm buying a DVD right now unless its something I'm straight up positive I'm going to watch a bunch of times (like "Watchmen" or "Wild Things 3: Diamonds in the Rough"). I'm not going to go pull out $20 to go to the big box store and pick up a copy of "Obsessed" (despite a guaranteed chick fight between Ali Larter and Beyonce.) So, enjoy Netflix and redbox as they are now, because I'm sure that in the end they will come to some sort of profit sharing agreement which will inevitably mean higher prices for the consumers.
I'm finished,
Nate
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
You're Better Than That, Vol 2
A guy in Joliet, IL will have been in jail for 21 days by this Thursday for being a disruptive spectator in a courtroom. Now, the defendant claims that his cousin was only "yawning" when he was locked up on contempt charges. The prosecutor claims that it was a "...boisterous, deliberate attempt on the part of this individual to disrupt the proceedings." Let's say the truth is somewhere in between and maybe the needle points a little bit more to the prosecution's recollection of events. Twenty-one days?!?!?! That's three weeks!!!!
I get that we need order and structure in our court system, I really do. But, don't they have people they can call in an effin courthouse to remove someone who is being disruptive, and oh by the way not on trial for anything? Is that not possible? Even Judge Judy has a bailiff! There's a guy named Judge "Extreme" Akim on syndicated television that has an enforcer named Big Sugar Ray Phillips to keep order in his court. What the hell is this judge's deal?
Notice the statement from the prosecutor didn't mention anything like "After repeated warnings..."? Did the guy get told to sit down and shut up a few times, or was it more like, "Hey, you! The one that was boisterous just now, for the first time today. I have a zero tolerance policy for ballyhoo in my court! You're going to county, end of discussion."? Of course, we don't know any of these details, because it's a bare bones AP story, which leaves the door open for people like me to make their own inferences about it.
The man may get out on Thursday if "he apologizes and the judge accepts." Serious? He has to apologize to a judge that made him spend three weeks in jail? Like I said, I have respect for the law and the order of the courtroom. However, unless you threatened to kill somebody or exclaimed something really inflammatory, like "I think Tyler Perry needs to make more 'Madea' movies" or "I can't believe how 'fat' Kelly Clarkson is", I think three weeks is a sufficient punishment. In the spirit of stark contrast, let us not forget that NFL receiver Donte Stallworth just recently completed a 24 day prison sentence for DUI AND MANSLAUGHTER!!! After three weeks, I don't think this man (as disruptive as he may have been) needs to apologize to anyone.
So I say to you, Will County Judge Daniel Rozak...
You're better than that.
Nate
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090812/ap_on_fe_st/us_odd_jailed_for_yawning
I get that we need order and structure in our court system, I really do. But, don't they have people they can call in an effin courthouse to remove someone who is being disruptive, and oh by the way not on trial for anything? Is that not possible? Even Judge Judy has a bailiff! There's a guy named Judge "Extreme" Akim on syndicated television that has an enforcer named Big Sugar Ray Phillips to keep order in his court. What the hell is this judge's deal?
Notice the statement from the prosecutor didn't mention anything like "After repeated warnings..."? Did the guy get told to sit down and shut up a few times, or was it more like, "Hey, you! The one that was boisterous just now, for the first time today. I have a zero tolerance policy for ballyhoo in my court! You're going to county, end of discussion."? Of course, we don't know any of these details, because it's a bare bones AP story, which leaves the door open for people like me to make their own inferences about it.
The man may get out on Thursday if "he apologizes and the judge accepts." Serious? He has to apologize to a judge that made him spend three weeks in jail? Like I said, I have respect for the law and the order of the courtroom. However, unless you threatened to kill somebody or exclaimed something really inflammatory, like "I think Tyler Perry needs to make more 'Madea' movies" or "I can't believe how 'fat' Kelly Clarkson is", I think three weeks is a sufficient punishment. In the spirit of stark contrast, let us not forget that NFL receiver Donte Stallworth just recently completed a 24 day prison sentence for DUI AND MANSLAUGHTER!!! After three weeks, I don't think this man (as disruptive as he may have been) needs to apologize to anyone.
So I say to you, Will County Judge Daniel Rozak...
You're better than that.
Nate
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
You're Better Than That, Vol 1
It's amazing how some people stop maturing somewhere around age thirteen. I love to listen to sports talk. Always have, always will. I once stayed on hold on Sporting News Radio for 30 minutes just so I could listen to a show one night (after the only talk radio station in Marquette changed formats and decided they'd rather carry some whack job that talked to callers about UFOs and government conspiracies than sports. That stuff is entertaining when it's the X-Files. When it's Hank calling in from Missoula, Montana? Not so much.) I didn't have a question, I just had unlimited weekend minutes and wanted to listen to the show while I was on hold. I love sports talk.
Today is a golden era in the format. You can get live internet radio feeds from across the country and of course, a podcast for whatever you're into. Unfortunately, this brings out a lot of morons as well. A couple of weeks back, I wanted to keep up on what the Red Sox might be doing nearing the trading deadline. I downloaded a couple of podcasts and on one of them, they were reading emails from listeners about what moves the BoSox should make. Oh, good God.
One of the emails suggested that they bring in movie starlet Megan Fox. Her contribution to the team would be to "motivate" by providing the players with some good ol fashion fellation before the games. Of course, Sully McDipshit's email was not quite as elegant as what I just wrote.
Now, not only is this offensive to Ms. Fox (like she could give a shit), it is 100x more offensive to me as a listener. Is it too much to assume that the adult (key word) hosts of a podcast would try to present themselves with a little more maturity? I guess. Maybe I live in a bubble that is "too PC" and I overreact sometimes to things that are blatantly abhorrent, juvenile and unfunny.
But, come on. Podcast hosts, sports fans and just men in general.
You're better than that.
Nate
Today is a golden era in the format. You can get live internet radio feeds from across the country and of course, a podcast for whatever you're into. Unfortunately, this brings out a lot of morons as well. A couple of weeks back, I wanted to keep up on what the Red Sox might be doing nearing the trading deadline. I downloaded a couple of podcasts and on one of them, they were reading emails from listeners about what moves the BoSox should make. Oh, good God.
One of the emails suggested that they bring in movie starlet Megan Fox. Her contribution to the team would be to "motivate" by providing the players with some good ol fashion fellation before the games. Of course, Sully McDipshit's email was not quite as elegant as what I just wrote.
Now, not only is this offensive to Ms. Fox (like she could give a shit), it is 100x more offensive to me as a listener. Is it too much to assume that the adult (key word) hosts of a podcast would try to present themselves with a little more maturity? I guess. Maybe I live in a bubble that is "too PC" and I overreact sometimes to things that are blatantly abhorrent, juvenile and unfunny.
But, come on. Podcast hosts, sports fans and just men in general.
You're better than that.
Nate
Sunday, August 02, 2009
Randomness, Vol 9
Michelle Kwan will not compete in the next Olympics because she is "like 100 years old in female Olympian years." Kwan received a medical exemption after not qualifying for the last Olympics and has not competed internationally since then, so the fact that she is not giving it a go in 2010 comes as quite a shock to me. "...The lack of Olympic golds will be a bittersweet footnote in the career of Michelle Kwan." Will it really? Ask any sports fan you know: "Remember Olympic gold medalist Michelle Kwan?" and I guarantee you that less than 1 person out of 100 will answer, "Wait, she never won an Olympic gold medal! Stupid poser."
Because this is apparently a figure skating heavy post, someone who stole not only the show, but the heart of yours truly at the 2006 Winter Games in Torino was one half of the skating duo Belbin/Agosto, the lovely Tanith Belbin. I feel it was probably the luscious blond hair and infectious smile that sucked me in. For some reason however, I think I remember a slightly curvier version of her. Here she is in a recent photo shoot, doing her best impression of a fence post... or paddle from the game "Pong".
Really, you're surprised that a program that basically offered people $4500 off the price of a new car was popular? Really? The redonkadonk thing about this was that I saw a news story late last week where they very matter-of-factly claimed that the cash for clunkers program was woefully underfunded. So, the Fox 11 News and I knew this thing was doomed late last week and Congress didn't?
Could I interest you in a story about a guy that let 2,000 malaria infected mosquitoes bite him? Apparently, these scientists have decided that the best way to develop a vaccine for malaria is to have a bunch of mosquitoes bite test subject, with some of them acquiring "full blown grade 3" malaria. These guys sound less like researchers and more like Bond Villains.
The city of Los Angeles recently bounced $6M worth of checks. You hear that Econo Foods in Marquette, MI back in 2001? The second largest city in the U.S. bounces checks, why you gotta make a big to do about me accidentally NSF'ing a $27.52 check for Top Ramen, Stove Top Stuffing and Arm & Hammer PeroxiCare Toothpaste? (OK, you got me. It was probably for Busch Light and Captain Morgan.)
OK, I was wrong about Twitter... kinda. You probably see the many different news outlets that you can now follow on Twitter as well as almost every celebrity and half-a-celebrity on the planet. It may not necessarily be a great social networking site, rather a change in the way we digest information, I don't know. As an example, I learned about the death of Michael Jackson from Matthew Berry, who is a fantasy baseball analyst for ESPN via Twitter. "Wow. Crazy sad day. RIP Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcet, Blake Griffin." - TheRealTMR It was the first major story that I didn't learn about via TV, radio, Internet or word of mouth. I got a tweet on my cell phone. Do I think it can still be valuable for comedy? Of course. Some examples:
"Thought to fix the economy: Stop making pennies. They have to cost more than one cent each to make, don't they?" - clubtrillion
"Me during Bachelor: "Can't believe she went with EdCan'tGetABoner." SGal: "Oh, I think he got one." - sportsguy33
"For one brief moment, I whimsied LiveTweeting heavy petting w/wife. I stared into the abyss and it said "No, Kev. Just... no." - ThatKevinSmith
The movie The Ugly Truth came out last weekend. The set up to the story is that Katherine Heigl is a stuffy producer of a talk show who is looking for Mr Right. Her life is suddenly intruded on by a swaggering, sexist on-air talent in the perfectly sculpted form of Gerard Butler. These two really do not like each other. But for some reason, he is willing to help her try to make a lasting connection with the man of her dreams. You know, call me crazy, but it seems if he could change some of his ways and she could be a little less uptight, that these two could actually work as a couple. Maybe they would find out that they aren't so different after all. The idea is far fetched, to be sure. I guess you could just call me a sucker for the improbable scenario of opposites attracting in a romantic comedy.
"Your best friend Harry has a brother Larry/
In five days from now he's gonna marry/
He's hopin you can make it there if you can/
'Cause in the ceremony you'll be the best man"
- Young MC, "Bust a Move"
Couple of things:
a) I've only passively watched these wedding shows on TLC channel, but I'm pretty sure "best man" combined with "hope you can make it" would not fly with even the most passive of Bridezillas.
b) You should probably give the best man more than FIVE DAYS NOTICE that you're getting married. What if he had a non-refundable ticket for a Caribbean vacation? What do you say then? "Well, I was hoping you could make it there, but no big whoop?" Absurd.
c) Why is "best friend Harry" even mentioned? It just seems it would be easier to say "your friend Larry." I suspect Harry is not even a legitimate best friend and his name is merely mentioned to fit the rhyme scheme. Harry may not even really exist. I have my doubts.
The bottom line is, "Young MC is insulting your intelligence."
During a show about energy conservation this week, I saw a scientist explaining that the one major drawback of solar power is that it is very expensive. Yeah, and so were cell phones at one point, but now you can buy them at the freakin' gas station! Get on it, people!!!!
Holy crap, does District 9 look effin amazing.
People should not be able to use the word "moot" unless they can prove their ability to use it properly. Here's some help:
moot: of little or no practical value or meaning; purely academic
mute: something you do to the TV when the Heidi Montag music video comes on
The Sunday Detroit Free Press. $2.50 for six sections about the most depressing place in the United States. "Hey, I dropped half a Lincoln this morning to find out that that three quarters of the Detroit city council owes back property taxes. Awesome way to start my Sunday!"
I'm finished,
Nate
Because this is apparently a figure skating heavy post, someone who stole not only the show, but the heart of yours truly at the 2006 Winter Games in Torino was one half of the skating duo Belbin/Agosto, the lovely Tanith Belbin. I feel it was probably the luscious blond hair and infectious smile that sucked me in. For some reason however, I think I remember a slightly curvier version of her. Here she is in a recent photo shoot, doing her best impression of a fence post... or paddle from the game "Pong".
Really, you're surprised that a program that basically offered people $4500 off the price of a new car was popular? Really? The redonkadonk thing about this was that I saw a news story late last week where they very matter-of-factly claimed that the cash for clunkers program was woefully underfunded. So, the Fox 11 News and I knew this thing was doomed late last week and Congress didn't?
Could I interest you in a story about a guy that let 2,000 malaria infected mosquitoes bite him? Apparently, these scientists have decided that the best way to develop a vaccine for malaria is to have a bunch of mosquitoes bite test subject, with some of them acquiring "full blown grade 3" malaria. These guys sound less like researchers and more like Bond Villains.
The city of Los Angeles recently bounced $6M worth of checks. You hear that Econo Foods in Marquette, MI back in 2001? The second largest city in the U.S. bounces checks, why you gotta make a big to do about me accidentally NSF'ing a $27.52 check for Top Ramen, Stove Top Stuffing and Arm & Hammer PeroxiCare Toothpaste? (OK, you got me. It was probably for Busch Light and Captain Morgan.)
OK, I was wrong about Twitter... kinda. You probably see the many different news outlets that you can now follow on Twitter as well as almost every celebrity and half-a-celebrity on the planet. It may not necessarily be a great social networking site, rather a change in the way we digest information, I don't know. As an example, I learned about the death of Michael Jackson from Matthew Berry, who is a fantasy baseball analyst for ESPN via Twitter. "Wow. Crazy sad day. RIP Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcet, Blake Griffin." - TheRealTMR It was the first major story that I didn't learn about via TV, radio, Internet or word of mouth. I got a tweet on my cell phone. Do I think it can still be valuable for comedy? Of course. Some examples:
"Thought to fix the economy: Stop making pennies. They have to cost more than one cent each to make, don't they?" - clubtrillion
"Me during Bachelor: "Can't believe she went with EdCan'tGetABoner." SGal: "Oh, I think he got one." - sportsguy33
"For one brief moment, I whimsied LiveTweeting heavy petting w/wife. I stared into the abyss and it said "No, Kev. Just... no." - ThatKevinSmith
The movie The Ugly Truth came out last weekend. The set up to the story is that Katherine Heigl is a stuffy producer of a talk show who is looking for Mr Right. Her life is suddenly intruded on by a swaggering, sexist on-air talent in the perfectly sculpted form of Gerard Butler. These two really do not like each other. But for some reason, he is willing to help her try to make a lasting connection with the man of her dreams. You know, call me crazy, but it seems if he could change some of his ways and she could be a little less uptight, that these two could actually work as a couple. Maybe they would find out that they aren't so different after all. The idea is far fetched, to be sure. I guess you could just call me a sucker for the improbable scenario of opposites attracting in a romantic comedy.
"Your best friend Harry has a brother Larry/
In five days from now he's gonna marry/
He's hopin you can make it there if you can/
'Cause in the ceremony you'll be the best man"
- Young MC, "Bust a Move"
Couple of things:
a) I've only passively watched these wedding shows on TLC channel, but I'm pretty sure "best man" combined with "hope you can make it" would not fly with even the most passive of Bridezillas.
b) You should probably give the best man more than FIVE DAYS NOTICE that you're getting married. What if he had a non-refundable ticket for a Caribbean vacation? What do you say then? "Well, I was hoping you could make it there, but no big whoop?" Absurd.
c) Why is "best friend Harry" even mentioned? It just seems it would be easier to say "your friend Larry." I suspect Harry is not even a legitimate best friend and his name is merely mentioned to fit the rhyme scheme. Harry may not even really exist. I have my doubts.
The bottom line is, "Young MC is insulting your intelligence."
During a show about energy conservation this week, I saw a scientist explaining that the one major drawback of solar power is that it is very expensive. Yeah, and so were cell phones at one point, but now you can buy them at the freakin' gas station! Get on it, people!!!!
Holy crap, does District 9 look effin amazing.
People should not be able to use the word "moot" unless they can prove their ability to use it properly. Here's some help:
moot: of little or no practical value or meaning; purely academic
mute: something you do to the TV when the Heidi Montag music video comes on
The Sunday Detroit Free Press. $2.50 for six sections about the most depressing place in the United States. "Hey, I dropped half a Lincoln this morning to find out that that three quarters of the Detroit city council owes back property taxes. Awesome way to start my Sunday!"
I'm finished,
Nate
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Randomness, Vol 8
Someday (obviously long after I'm done working for Sue and Amy and the whole TFL family), I'm going to get high on the reefer and contemplate things like, "The Universe has no edge and no center." Thanks, PBS.
(Guy brings a case of MGD 64 up to the counter.)
Cashier: "Oh, MGD 64. I love this stuff. It's perfect for me, because I don't like the taste of beer."
I cannot describe it any better. It's beer for people that don't like the taste and inebriating effects that beer provides.
So apparently, you can act a fool and not cooperate with a police officer as long as you're a black Harvard professor and can blame it on racial profiling.
When accepting an ESPY Award recently, Michael Phelps said that he couldn't have won the 4 x 100 freestyle relay at the Beijing Olympics without the other three members of the team. In case you were wondering how a relay team worked.
As funny as the Miller High Life commercials are, they are getting absurd from a believability standpoint. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that the VIP sections ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_lS9T99guQU ) of hot nightclubs are not frequented by people who drink the stuff. I don't think TMZ is ever going to post pictures of Lindsey Lohan slamming the "Champagne of Beers" at Body English in Vegas. Just sayin.
So, I woke up early for work one morning last week... like TWO HOURS early. While flipping through the channels I passed MTV and was blindsided by what may be the most ridiculous music video of all time. ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hb0KowdtK6Y ) I have a great appreciation for for the female form and the breasts that come with it, but even I thought this was gratuitous.
Domino's American Legends. Finally, the genius of the best and brightest culinary minds from around the country is seamlessly fused with really bad pizza.
If you've got some free time on your hands and are looking for a little free entertainment, maybe give a listen to the Adam Carolla podcast. I would describe it as "refreshingly irreverent."
http://www.adamcarolla.com
iTunes ( http://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?id=306390087 )
Every 5 years, we need the song "Here Comes the Hotstepper" by Ini Kamoze reintroduced to prominence in our everyday lives. I dare you to disagree with me... ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3uZhh4HpKI ) This might replace "The Final Countdown" someday as the song I want to walk down the aisle to.
Microsoft released their new online search engine Bing last month. Were there people out there that Google wasn't good enough for? If someone were to ask you, "You know how stuff is hard to find on the Internet?" wouldn't your immediate response be, "Um, no."
Whatever happened to skywriting? You know planes that would write things with exhaust in the sky, like: "KRSTEN WILL YOU MARRY ME?" (Not the strongest speller, that one.) I just assumed from watching Looney Tunes when I was a kid that skywriting would be a regular form of communication when I got older. Nope. I think I saw a plane do it once when I was 10 years old at County Stadium in Milwaukee. Not sure what he was spelling, because the first letter had disappeared by the time he got to the fourth letter. I guess it isn't a good form of communication after all. Thank God for texting.
Former NFL player Korey Stringer died about 8 years ago from heatstroke while practicing in the middle of the hot Minnesota summer. For a long time there has been debate about the safety of making football players practice in sweltering heat, and his death was for sure a tragedy. Flash forward to 2009, where a judge has OK'd a lawsuit to go to trial in which his family is suing Riddell, the company that made his helmet and shoulder pads.
W.
T.
F.
?
"A federal judge in Ohio concluded that manufacturer Riddell Inc. had a duty to warn Stringer that its helmets and shoulder pads could contribute to heat stroke when used in hot conditions." Apparently the judge motioned to the bailiff to remove common sense from the courtroom that day, because I'm failing to see how any of this could be Riddell's fault. You really have to warn people about this? You know what else contributes to heat stroke? Practicing football in the middle of the effin summer!!!
The family's lawyer was happy about the decision because it helps to "make sure what happened to Korey doesn't happen to any other football player -- from the National Football League all the way down to kids in Pop Warner. This decision should go a long way to ensure it doesn't." Um, NO IT WON'T, jackass! You mean to tell me that if Riddell puts big warnings on it's equipment, no one will ever die from heatstroke again during football practice? OK, stick with that story. What else does this decision "ensure"? It probably ensures your client is going to make a monetary settlement out of court with Riddell and you can go ahead and get your direct deposit information out.
So, as a public service, I am going to warn people about some other products that could be potentially harmful:
I'm finished,
Nate
(Guy brings a case of MGD 64 up to the counter.)
Cashier: "Oh, MGD 64. I love this stuff. It's perfect for me, because I don't like the taste of beer."
I cannot describe it any better. It's beer for people that don't like the taste and inebriating effects that beer provides.
So apparently, you can act a fool and not cooperate with a police officer as long as you're a black Harvard professor and can blame it on racial profiling.
When accepting an ESPY Award recently, Michael Phelps said that he couldn't have won the 4 x 100 freestyle relay at the Beijing Olympics without the other three members of the team. In case you were wondering how a relay team worked.
As funny as the Miller High Life commercials are, they are getting absurd from a believability standpoint. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that the VIP sections ( http://www.youtube.com/wat
So, I woke up early for work one morning last week... like TWO HOURS early. While flipping through the channels I passed MTV and was blindsided by what may be the most ridiculous music video of all time. ( http://www.youtube.com/wat
Domino's American Legends. Finally, the genius of the best and brightest culinary minds from around the country is seamlessly fused with really bad pizza.
If you've got some free time on your hands and are looking for a little free entertainment, maybe give a listen to the Adam Carolla podcast. I would describe it as "refreshingly irreverent."
http://www.adamcarolla.com
iTunes ( http://itunes.apple.com/We
Every 5 years, we need the song "Here Comes the Hotstepper" by Ini Kamoze reintroduced to prominence in our everyday lives. I dare you to disagree with me... ( http://www.youtube.com/wat
Microsoft released their new online search engine Bing last month. Were there people out there that Google wasn't good enough for? If someone were to ask you, "You know how stuff is hard to find on the Internet?" wouldn't your immediate response be, "Um, no."
Whatever happened to skywriting? You know planes that would write things with exhaust in the sky, like: "KRSTEN WILL YOU MARRY ME?" (Not the strongest speller, that one.) I just assumed from watching Looney Tunes when I was a kid that skywriting would be a regular form of communication when I got older. Nope. I think I saw a plane do it once when I was 10 years old at County Stadium in Milwaukee. Not sure what he was spelling, because the first letter had disappeared by the time he got to the fourth letter. I guess it isn't a good form of communication after all. Thank God for texting.
Former NFL player Korey Stringer died about 8 years ago from heatstroke while practicing in the middle of the hot Minnesota summer. For a long time there has been debate about the safety of making football players practice in sweltering heat, and his death was for sure a tragedy. Flash forward to 2009, where a judge has OK'd a lawsuit to go to trial in which his family is suing Riddell, the company that made his helmet and shoulder pads.
W.
T.
F.
?
"A federal judge in Ohio concluded that manufacturer Riddell Inc. had a duty to warn Stringer that its helmets and shoulder pads could contribute to heat stroke when used in hot conditions." Apparently the judge motioned to the bailiff to remove common sense from the courtroom that day, because I'm failing to see how any of this could be Riddell's fault. You really have to warn people about this? You know what else contributes to heat stroke? Practicing football in the middle of the effin summer!!!
The family's lawyer was happy about the decision because it helps to "make sure what happened to Korey doesn't happen to any other football player -- from the National Football League all the way down to kids in Pop Warner. This decision should go a long way to ensure it doesn't." Um, NO IT WON'T, jackass! You mean to tell me that if Riddell puts big warnings on it's equipment, no one will ever die from heatstroke again during football practice? OK, stick with that story. What else does this decision "ensure"? It probably ensures your client is going to make a monetary settlement out of court with Riddell and you can go ahead and get your direct deposit information out.
So, as a public service, I am going to warn people about some other products that could be potentially harmful:
- Wearing a Cabela's GORE-TEX MT050 Extreme Weather 7-in-1 Parka in the middle of Death Valley National Park in August may cause heatstroke and possibly death.
- If you drive a 2010 Mercury Milan Hybrid into a wall at 55 mph, it may cause great bodily harm and possibly death.
- Standing by a wall and having someone throw an Old Hickory 7" Carbon Steel Butcher Knife at you from across the room may cause deep gashes in the torso and possibly death.
- Using a Twin Peaks BX sleeping bag from The North Face could be hazardous to your health... when used next to a bear den and filled with salmon.
I'm finished,
Nate
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Randomness, Vol 7
In the 2006 movie "Idiocracy", the hero is transported hundreds of years into the future where society has been severely dumbed down by centuries of stupid people reproducing at higher rates than the educated. The most popular show in this future is a Jackass type program called "Ow! My Balls!" which shows various depictions of people in situations where they fall down and go boom, essentially. This provides the idiots of the future with hours of entertainment that won't make their brains hurt. On a related note, watch "Wipeout", Wednesdays at 8/7c on ABC!
Sesame seeds are good at sticking to things: Big Mac buns, sesame shrimp, bagels, the BACK OF YOUR THROAT! Seriously, it's like they get spot welded back there.
Late last month we had a heat advisory here in Wisconsin. Don't get me wrong, it was miserable. But, do you think places like Ethiopia and Libya ever have "heat advisories?" What would it have to get up to? 120°? 125°?
The WWE promotes a program in which their wrestlers encourage youngsters to read more. A noble cause to be sure, but it seems slightly counter-productive to cultivating a future fan base.
The Bacon Cheesy Potato Burrito? I have not tried it yet, but it sounds like what happens when you mash a bunch of things together that are good on their own but end up sucking out loud when combined. Like "Ocean's Twelve."
Prescription commercials are terrible. Do you ever notice that when they are explaining the side effects, they try do distract the viewer? Like they show a motherly looking woman putting a freshly baked apple pie out on the window sill while in the background they explain, "May cause nausea, dizziness, hives and asphyxiation." Or they'll show a couple in their 70s riding bikes along the Pacific coastline accompanied by, "If you begin to feel depressed or have thoughts of driving a monster truck through a playground, consult your doctor... and probably the police." (Also, is it bad that I went straight to David Carradine's Wikipedia page for the spelling of asphyxiation?)
Had a harrowing experience at work a couple of days back. As I was warming up my delicious SmartOnes entree in the microwave, a line of one person formed behind me right after I put it in. After three minutes, I pulled it out to stir per the directions and put it back in for 1 1/2 minutes. Someone walks by and asked the person behind me "Warming up lunch, huh?" to which their response was, "Yeah... trying to." HEY! If you can't wait the five minutes it takes someone to warm up their lunch, you may want to consider packing a sandwich and some carrot sticks or something! Try a granola bar and a bag of Fritos! Or better yet, maybe go to one of the FIVE OTHER MICROWAVES within reasonable walking distance! Have you read the side of the box on one of these things? It says, "DO NOT UNDERCOOK. YOU MAY DIE" (and they don't try to distract you with picture of a middle aged guy playing fetch with a dog, they are 'effin blunt about it.) Therefore, I am not going to risk salmonella just because you were soooo unfortunate to be in line after me. Sheesh.
You know what would be a great idea for a TV Show? "Lowering the Bar". Basically, a legal drama where the main characters lose all the time. Whether it be Perry Mason or Boston Legal or LA Law, for the most part, these shows almost always depict lawyers with high winning percentages. How about a show where after the trial, the counseler tells his client things like, "Well, I tried my best. After all, you did violate the restraining order your ex-wife had against you three times in the month before she was killed. I'm not a miracle worker here." I changed my mind, this is a terrible idea.
Actual conversation between my and my hetero life mate, Grant last week:
Nate: "So, who do you think will win Wimbledon? Does Roddick have any chance against Federer?"
Grant: "Tennis? Do you have a gambling problem that I'm not aware of?"
As I've mentioned, I've been listening to some old CDs at work lately. Plowed through Big & Rich's "Horse of a Different Color" a couple weeks back. I will never, ever understand how the song "Six Foot Town" didn't get popular, but yet you can hear frickin' "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk" every hour on the hour on country radio. It makes me crazy. Rascal Flatts gets every song they make on the air, even though they are atrocious, yet they can't release the second best song from a triple platinum album from Big & Rich? Really? Six Foot Town was so NOT popular, this live version was the best video I could find of it: http://video.aol.com/video-detail/big-and-rich-alive-in-deadwood-six-foot-town/1065259188
And God love em, they're probably trying their best, but everyone related to the Repbulican Party cannot seem to get out of their own way.
- You've got governors running off to Venezuela to be with their mistresses for a week without telling anybody.
- You've got states that B-R-O-K-E, with Republican governors "threatening" to refuse stimulus money that's already been signed into law.
- You've got Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-NC) saying that the Matthew Shepard killing "wasn't because he was gay." ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZmB4EiQtQI )
- You've got everything that Bill O'Reilly says.
Do you people realize that the Daily Show exists for the sole purpose of skewering every ridiculous thing you say? Do ya? Think before you say something! Funny thing from the podcast "Keith & the Girl" last week ( www.keithandthegirl.com ), regarding Gov. Sanford resignation as the head of the Republican Governor's Association after the whole mistress in South America thing broke. "Probably a good idea on his part. That sounds like a great place to meet even more mistresses."
This really sucks as I do feel that the Republican party has some good ideas as well as ideals, but they just can't stop sounding like idiots. It's like a guy who has a game plan for a great first date. He's going to bring the flowers, he's going to let her pick the activity that she wants to do, at the end of the night he's got a few lines to use that will be really complimentary without sounding like he's just trying to get laid. He's got this great plan, and then he shows up at the door and says, "Holy cow, nice tits!"
Speaking of the GOP...
NATHAN TALKS TO FAMOUS PEOPLE:
Sarah Palin resigned as the Governor of Alaska last week with her plans unclear. Obviously, she's sure to be one of the leading candidates to run for President in 2012.
"Hey, Sarah. Have a seat. OK, here's the thing. You aren't going to be President. You get destroyed in interviews and get rattled in debates, you're family kinda has Spears-esque tendencies, you called David Letterman "a rapist" (still scratching my head on that one), etc... Let's put it this way, I'm not voting for anyone that can't name one news magazine that she reads. You need to take your charisma and that adorable accent combined with your marginal political knowledge and do a talk show. It's not hard. Mark McGrath left Sugar Ray and hosted "Extra" for a while. Anything that Mark McGrath can do, I'm 70-80% certain that Sarah Palin can do."
I'm finished,
Nate
Sesame seeds are good at sticking to things: Big Mac buns, sesame shrimp, bagels, the BACK OF YOUR THROAT! Seriously, it's like they get spot welded back there.
Late last month we had a heat advisory here in Wisconsin. Don't get me wrong, it was miserable. But, do you think places like Ethiopia and Libya ever have "heat advisories?" What would it have to get up to? 120°? 125°?
The WWE promotes a program in which their wrestlers encourage youngsters to read more. A noble cause to be sure, but it seems slightly counter-productive to cultivating a future fan base.
The Bacon Cheesy Potato Burrito? I have not tried it yet, but it sounds like what happens when you mash a bunch of things together that are good on their own but end up sucking out loud when combined. Like "Ocean's Twelve."
Prescription commercials are terrible. Do you ever notice that when they are explaining the side effects, they try do distract the viewer? Like they show a motherly looking woman putting a freshly baked apple pie out on the window sill while in the background they explain, "May cause nausea, dizziness, hives and asphyxiation." Or they'll show a couple in their 70s riding bikes along the Pacific coastline accompanied by, "If you begin to feel depressed or have thoughts of driving a monster truck through a playground, consult your doctor... and probably the police." (Also, is it bad that I went straight to David Carradine's Wikipedia page for the spelling of asphyxiation?)
Had a harrowing experience at work a couple of days back. As I was warming up my delicious SmartOnes entree in the microwave, a line of one person formed behind me right after I put it in. After three minutes, I pulled it out to stir per the directions and put it back in for 1 1/2 minutes. Someone walks by and asked the person behind me "Warming up lunch, huh?" to which their response was, "Yeah... trying to." HEY! If you can't wait the five minutes it takes someone to warm up their lunch, you may want to consider packing a sandwich and some carrot sticks or something! Try a granola bar and a bag of Fritos! Or better yet, maybe go to one of the FIVE OTHER MICROWAVES within reasonable walking distance! Have you read the side of the box on one of these things? It says, "DO NOT UNDERCOOK. YOU MAY DIE" (and they don't try to distract you with picture of a middle aged guy playing fetch with a dog, they are 'effin blunt about it.) Therefore, I am not going to risk salmonella just because you were soooo unfortunate to be in line after me. Sheesh.
You know what would be a great idea for a TV Show? "Lowering the Bar". Basically, a legal drama where the main characters lose all the time. Whether it be Perry Mason or Boston Legal or LA Law, for the most part, these shows almost always depict lawyers with high winning percentages. How about a show where after the trial, the counseler tells his client things like, "Well, I tried my best. After all, you did violate the restraining order your ex-wife had against you three times in the month before she was killed. I'm not a miracle worker here." I changed my mind, this is a terrible idea.
Actual conversation between my and my hetero life mate, Grant last week:
Nate: "So, who do you think will win Wimbledon? Does Roddick have any chance against Federer?"
Grant: "Tennis? Do you have a gambling problem that I'm not aware of?"
As I've mentioned, I've been listening to some old CDs at work lately. Plowed through Big & Rich's "Horse of a Different Color" a couple weeks back. I will never, ever understand how the song "Six Foot Town" didn't get popular, but yet you can hear frickin' "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk" every hour on the hour on country radio. It makes me crazy. Rascal Flatts gets every song they make on the air, even though they are atrocious, yet they can't release the second best song from a triple platinum album from Big & Rich? Really? Six Foot Town was so NOT popular, this live version was the best video I could find of it: http://video.aol.com/video
And God love em, they're probably trying their best, but everyone related to the Repbulican Party cannot seem to get out of their own way.
- You've got governors running off to Venezuela to be with their mistresses for a week without telling anybody.
- You've got states that B-R-O-K-E, with Republican governors "threatening" to refuse stimulus money that's already been signed into law.
- You've got Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-NC) saying that the Matthew Shepard killing "wasn't because he was gay." ( http://www.youtube.com/wat
- You've got everything that Bill O'Reilly says.
Do you people realize that the Daily Show exists for the sole purpose of skewering every ridiculous thing you say? Do ya? Think before you say something! Funny thing from the podcast "Keith & the Girl" last week ( www.keithandthegirl.com ), regarding Gov. Sanford resignation as the head of the Republican Governor's Association after the whole mistress in South America thing broke. "Probably a good idea on his part. That sounds like a great place to meet even more mistresses."
This really sucks as I do feel that the Republican party has some good ideas as well as ideals, but they just can't stop sounding like idiots. It's like a guy who has a game plan for a great first date. He's going to bring the flowers, he's going to let her pick the activity that she wants to do, at the end of the night he's got a few lines to use that will be really complimentary without sounding like he's just trying to get laid. He's got this great plan, and then he shows up at the door and says, "Holy cow, nice tits!"
Speaking of the GOP...
NATHAN TALKS TO FAMOUS PEOPLE:
Sarah Palin resigned as the Governor of Alaska last week with her plans unclear. Obviously, she's sure to be one of the leading candidates to run for President in 2012.
"Hey, Sarah. Have a seat. OK, here's the thing. You aren't going to be President. You get destroyed in interviews and get rattled in debates, you're family kinda has Spears-esque tendencies, you called David Letterman "a rapist" (still scratching my head on that one), etc... Let's put it this way, I'm not voting for anyone that can't name one news magazine that she reads. You need to take your charisma and that adorable accent combined with your marginal political knowledge and do a talk show. It's not hard. Mark McGrath left Sugar Ray and hosted "Extra" for a while. Anything that Mark McGrath can do, I'm 70-80% certain that Sarah Palin can do."
I'm finished,
Nate
Saturday, June 06, 2009
Randomness, Vol 6
A little while back I saw a "Dateline" episode that dealt with consumer complaints. One of their first hot tips was "Avoid talking to people in Customer Service, they are basically useless. Go over their heads." On behalf of all of the people I worked with in customer service over the last 6 years, I'd like to say, "Eff you, Dateline!" Surprisingly, that wasn't my biggest problem with the show. Some of the people had some legitimate gripes, to be sure. But then there was "Mattress Lady." Mattress Lady was trying to get Serta to send her a new bed, because she had only had her's for a couple of months and the incline feature (or something) didn't work. That's fair. Serta had been stonewalling her, though. Poor form, Serta. After she wrote a letter to the president of the company, the heartless bastards at Serta wrote her a letter back, explaining that they would not replace the bed because she had bought a floor model which was sold "as is." Wait, WHAT!?!?!? Are you familiar with what "as is" means, Mattress Lady!? It means if you have problems with it, tough shit! That's why you get the flippin "as is" discount on it! She later received a replacement bed after NBC wrote a letter to Serta as well (mentioning the fact they were going to skewer the company on national TV, I'm sure.) So what you're saying is that my best bet for getting something out of a consumer complaint is to have Ann Curry or Stone Phillips write a letter to the company? Thanks for the practical advice, Dateline! Why don't you go blow up another pickup...
Can I interest you in Veramyst nasal spray? It treats seasonal allergy symptoms with just a few side effects, including possible glaucoma. How bad would your allergies need to be to risk GOING BLIND?!?!? "Well on the bright side, I can breathe without too much trouble now, and my eyes that I can't see out of anymore aren't itchy!" he said to the lamp, while he fired up some pharmaceutical kush.
Some of you already know this, but I HATE "heavyweight title fight" analogies. "This Sunday at the Masters was a heavyweight title fight between Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson." Um, NO IT WASN'T! It was a good round of golf, you morons! Two guys dropping the gloves in hockey, that might be acceptable, but golf? NO! We got a different gem the other night from the good people at Vs., where a faceoff in the Detroit/Pittsburgh game was referred to as being "like a 40 yard dash." You mean the footrace? That 40 yard dash? That is somehow like two hockey players swiping at a dropped puck to determine possession? Got it.
The upcoming movie "The Proposal" ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YjtLXe7KMMc ) features Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds as an executive and her assistant who can't stand each other, but are forced to fake an engagement so that she doesn't get deported back to her country of origin (it was either Canada or Honduras, I can't remember.) I mean these two really DO NOT like each other. Looks so booooorring. It'd be nice if they threw a curveball at us like if the two of them found out that they actually like each other and fall in love by the end of the flick. Wouldn't that blow your mind?!?! Maybe they could learn things about each other that make them realize they aren't so different after all. Maybe they could even take a trip back to his hometown, where she will be COMPLETELY out of her element. I'm just spitballing some new ideas here, people! This 'behind the scenes' clip is pretty funny, actually: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8q5dchmKr18&feature=channel
Because we don't listen to Internet radio at work anymore, I've been pulling a lot of old CDs out of the woodwork. The latest revival is my favorite rap album of all time, "Doggystyle" by the one and only Snoop Doggy Dogg. He has a track featuring "Lil Malik aka Lil Hershey Loc". I have no idea how many people that is. I think it's the same person that for some reason couldn't get by on one 'Lil' nickname. For me, that was the golden era of hip hop / rap, right up until the point that 2Pac died and Master P started taking a dump on the genre. The stuff today is even worse. I never thought I would say, "Man, this stuff is worse than the Ying Yang Twins." Never.
Speaking of CDs, remember when everyone made "Enhanced CDs" like, you'd put the CD in your CD-ROM drive on your personal computer and then a program would start to automatically install for 20 minutes and then you would have access to music videos from the album and band bios and a bunch of other stuff you can find on the Internet now in under 30 seconds? Yeah, it's great when you pop one of those babies into your work computer and all of a sudden you're basically trying to install unauthorized software. If I'm ever fired for doing something against company policy on the computer, it better not be because I installed the enhanced features of the No Doubt "Tragic Kingdom" CD, OK? Just sayin'.
NATHAN TALKS TO FAMOUS PEOPLE:
Marilyn Manson has a new song. Yep, THAT Marilyn Manson. Name of the track? "Arma-Godd**n-MotherF**kin-Geddon":
"Hey there, Marilyn? Yeah, double M. Over here. We're all gonna need you to go away for a while. And by a while, I mean, like forever. You can take your makeup with you, but we need you out by the end of the month. I don't want to see you come back with that suit with the fake boobs or drinking blood or any of that shit. And if you didn't come up with the name for your new song, find the guy that did, and take him with you... or shoot him. Up to you. Thanks, homey."
Finally, I leave you with this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUm8Bzk-BvU
(Fast forward to the 3:10 mark. What in the hell is he screaming like that for? Who actually greenlighted him to do that in a song that was played in pretty heavy radio rotation? Love your stuff, Enrique. But, damn.)
I'm finished,
Nate
Can I interest you in Veramyst nasal spray? It treats seasonal allergy symptoms with just a few side effects, including possible glaucoma. How bad would your allergies need to be to risk GOING BLIND?!?!? "Well on the bright side, I can breathe without too much trouble now, and my eyes that I can't see out of anymore aren't itchy!" he said to the lamp, while he fired up some pharmaceutical kush.
Some of you already know this, but I HATE "heavyweight title fight" analogies. "This Sunday at the Masters was a heavyweight title fight between Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson." Um, NO IT WASN'T! It was a good round of golf, you morons! Two guys dropping the gloves in hockey, that might be acceptable, but golf? NO! We got a different gem the other night from the good people at Vs., where a faceoff in the Detroit/Pittsburgh game was referred to as being "like a 40 yard dash." You mean the footrace? That 40 yard dash? That is somehow like two hockey players swiping at a dropped puck to determine possession? Got it.
The upcoming movie "The Proposal" ( http://www.youtube.com/wat
Because we don't listen to Internet radio at work anymore, I've been pulling a lot of old CDs out of the woodwork. The latest revival is my favorite rap album of all time, "Doggystyle" by the one and only Snoop Doggy Dogg. He has a track featuring "Lil Malik aka Lil Hershey Loc". I have no idea how many people that is. I think it's the same person that for some reason couldn't get by on one 'Lil' nickname. For me, that was the golden era of hip hop / rap, right up until the point that 2Pac died and Master P started taking a dump on the genre. The stuff today is even worse. I never thought I would say, "Man, this stuff is worse than the Ying Yang Twins." Never.
Speaking of CDs, remember when everyone made "Enhanced CDs" like, you'd put the CD in your CD-ROM drive on your personal computer and then a program would start to automatically install for 20 minutes and then you would have access to music videos from the album and band bios and a bunch of other stuff you can find on the Internet now in under 30 seconds? Yeah, it's great when you pop one of those babies into your work computer and all of a sudden you're basically trying to install unauthorized software. If I'm ever fired for doing something against company policy on the computer, it better not be because I installed the enhanced features of the No Doubt "Tragic Kingdom" CD, OK? Just sayin'.
NATHAN TALKS TO FAMOUS PEOPLE:
Marilyn Manson has a new song. Yep, THAT Marilyn Manson. Name of the track? "Arma-Godd**n-MotherF**kin
"Hey there, Marilyn? Yeah, double M. Over here. We're all gonna need you to go away for a while. And by a while, I mean, like forever. You can take your makeup with you, but we need you out by the end of the month. I don't want to see you come back with that suit with the fake boobs or drinking blood or any of that shit. And if you didn't come up with the name for your new song, find the guy that did, and take him with you... or shoot him. Up to you. Thanks, homey."
Finally, I leave you with this:
http://www.youtube.com/wat
(Fast forward to the 3:10 mark. What in the hell is he screaming like that for? Who actually greenlighted him to do that in a song that was played in pretty heavy radio rotation? Love your stuff, Enrique. But, damn.)
I'm finished,
Nate
Friday, May 15, 2009
Randomness, Vol 5
Things that popped into my head that I felt compelled to write down.
My friends, you need to get into Twitter. Sign up and follow me at http://twitter.com/callmehoss and then sign up for mobile messages sent directly to your cell. When I think of funny stuff to say, I'll post it, and I expect you to do the same when I'm following you. Or, don't even post anything. Like most, all I desire is an audience.
Kal Penn was recently named the "Associate Director of the White House Office of Public Liason" dealing specifically with the Asian American and Pacific Islander communities. When asked about this, John Cho said, "You do realize that it was ME who was the Asian guy in 'Harold & Kumar', right?"
For every "Enter Sandman", "Fuel" and "Everywhere I Roam" that they've put out, Metallica has also had some really awful songs. Don' believe me? Download "Don't Tread on Me". The latest of these ear pillagings is "Cyanide". Thankfully, if you listen to rock radio, they only play it like every 20-30 minutes, so...
The cable network "Vs." is running commercials in which they point out that almost every major contact sport requires a helmet of some sort for protection, however professional bull riders wear only cowboy hats as protection because, "It's tougher in here." Hey, Vs.? Maybe that is 'tough', but it is way more STUPID than it is tough! On the same note: Hey, Bull Riding? There's a reason that hockey goalies wear masks now and football players don't wear leather helmets any more! It's because the shit is dangerous if you don't!
I will say this up front, I lifted this next idea from the guys at UYD (www.uhhyeahdude.com). PETA is pissed off (as usual) about the fact that Google recently used goats to "mow" the lawn at their corporate headquarters to be more 'green'. PETA raised concerns about the transport and treatment of the goats.
Dear Assholes at PETA,
Just Stop. If Google wants to bring in a bunch of goats and let them eat grass at their headquarters (which is something that they would be doing anyways) and then NOT KILL THEM? Maybe DON'T have a problem with it. Just a thought. Maybe just shut up and go back to your tofu.
I am sad to say that I found another thing that bugs the hell out of me about "Back to the Future" last night. (To discuss the Grey's Sports Almanac line of B.S. from the second film, feel free to give Andy Ryan or myself a call.) Anyways, in the first one, the whole getting Marty back to 1985 thing was predicated on them getting a bolt of lightning to power up the flux capacitor. This is now no problem, because they know the exact time that the lightning is going to strike, down to the very MINUTE. I'm not a doctor like Emmett Brown, but I'm pretty sure you need a more precise measurement of time than a MINUTE to pull off this stunt so that Marty hits the cable at the exact time the lightning strikes. I guess when the next few movies involve pizzas that are dehydrated to the size of a pretzel and skateboards that can hover over the streets of Hill Valley but are useless on water, I can suspend my disbelief. But this whole thing seems like shoddy math.
Olivia Wilde topped Maxim's Hot 100 for this year. Been a huge fan of her's since back in the day when she was having a girl on girl romance with Marisa on "The O.C." Speaking of...
I learned from Miss California USA. If anyone asks me about same sex marriage and how I feel about it, I'm going to suddenly forget how to speak English like Sammy Sosa did in front of the congrssional hearing on steroids 4 years ago. For God's sake!!! Are we not allowed to have an opinion anymore?!?! When this whole controversy started, I assumed that she answered the question with, "Well, everyone has a right to choose. But, my family and I feel that if you choose to be gay, we should be able to choose to ship your fey ass to an island somewhere so we'll be rid of the disgusting sight of you!!!" When I found out that she had said, "I feel marriage should be between a man and a woman.", I'm like: "And? What else did she say? Get to the inflammatory stuff!" Why did they ask the question in the first place? It wasn't like they asked, "In 100 words or less, explain why same sex marriage is good in every way and why anyone that thinks differently is an intolerant D bag?" Am I missing something here? Why is this a contoversy? Was it a stupid answer for her to give if she wanted to win the competition? Absolutely. Does Perez Hilton calling her a 'stupid bitch' for being intolerant reek of hypocracy? Absolutely as well. How do I feel on the issue? "No habla englais."
I'm finished,
Nate
My friends, you need to get into Twitter. Sign up and follow me at http://twitter.com/callmeh
Kal Penn was recently named the "Associate Director of the White House Office of Public Liason" dealing specifically with the Asian American and Pacific Islander communities. When asked about this, John Cho said, "You do realize that it was ME who was the Asian guy in 'Harold & Kumar', right?"
For every "Enter Sandman", "Fuel" and "Everywhere I Roam" that they've put out, Metallica has also had some really awful songs. Don' believe me? Download "Don't Tread on Me". The latest of these ear pillagings is "Cyanide". Thankfully, if you listen to rock radio, they only play it like every 20-30 minutes, so...
The cable network "Vs." is running commercials in which they point out that almost every major contact sport requires a helmet of some sort for protection, however professional bull riders wear only cowboy hats as protection because, "It's tougher in here." Hey, Vs.? Maybe that is 'tough', but it is way more STUPID than it is tough! On the same note: Hey, Bull Riding? There's a reason that hockey goalies wear masks now and football players don't wear leather helmets any more! It's because the shit is dangerous if you don't!
I will say this up front, I lifted this next idea from the guys at UYD (www.uhhyeahdude.com). PETA is pissed off (as usual) about the fact that Google recently used goats to "mow" the lawn at their corporate headquarters to be more 'green'. PETA raised concerns about the transport and treatment of the goats.
Dear Assholes at PETA,
Just Stop. If Google wants to bring in a bunch of goats and let them eat grass at their headquarters (which is something that they would be doing anyways) and then NOT KILL THEM? Maybe DON'T have a problem with it. Just a thought. Maybe just shut up and go back to your tofu.
I am sad to say that I found another thing that bugs the hell out of me about "Back to the Future" last night. (To discuss the Grey's Sports Almanac line of B.S. from the second film, feel free to give Andy Ryan or myself a call.) Anyways, in the first one, the whole getting Marty back to 1985 thing was predicated on them getting a bolt of lightning to power up the flux capacitor. This is now no problem, because they know the exact time that the lightning is going to strike, down to the very MINUTE. I'm not a doctor like Emmett Brown, but I'm pretty sure you need a more precise measurement of time than a MINUTE to pull off this stunt so that Marty hits the cable at the exact time the lightning strikes. I guess when the next few movies involve pizzas that are dehydrated to the size of a pretzel and skateboards that can hover over the streets of Hill Valley but are useless on water, I can suspend my disbelief. But this whole thing seems like shoddy math.
Olivia Wilde topped Maxim's Hot 100 for this year. Been a huge fan of her's since back in the day when she was having a girl on girl romance with Marisa on "The O.C." Speaking of...
I learned from Miss California USA. If anyone asks me about same sex marriage and how I feel about it, I'm going to suddenly forget how to speak English like Sammy Sosa did in front of the congrssional hearing on steroids 4 years ago. For God's sake!!! Are we not allowed to have an opinion anymore?!?! When this whole controversy started, I assumed that she answered the question with, "Well, everyone has a right to choose. But, my family and I feel that if you choose to be gay, we should be able to choose to ship your fey ass to an island somewhere so we'll be rid of the disgusting sight of you!!!" When I found out that she had said, "I feel marriage should be between a man and a woman.", I'm like: "And? What else did she say? Get to the inflammatory stuff!" Why did they ask the question in the first place? It wasn't like they asked, "In 100 words or less, explain why same sex marriage is good in every way and why anyone that thinks differently is an intolerant D bag?" Am I missing something here? Why is this a contoversy? Was it a stupid answer for her to give if she wanted to win the competition? Absolutely. Does Perez Hilton calling her a 'stupid bitch' for being intolerant reek of hypocracy? Absolutely as well. How do I feel on the issue? "No habla englais."
I'm finished,
Nate
Sunday, April 05, 2009
Randomness, Vol 4
Short one today.
It was just be super duper if psychos would stop shooting a bunch of people and then killing themselves. You're crazy and you want to take yourself out? Go for it. I'm not saying it's a good idea, but don't be a douchebag and take a dozen people out with you. Is that fair?
Apparently Miley Cyrus thanked "The Kids" in her Kid's Choice Awards acceptance speech. That's 16 year old Miley Cyrus, thanking the kids.
Anyone who thinks their job is safe, just remember, "Obama can now fire you."
I think people 40 years and older watch and discuss "American Idol" more than any demographic at this point. When I hear a middle age woman, opining how she is happy they got rid of "the good looking gal with the hideous tattoo", I wonder if this is what the creators had in mind when they launched the thing.
The Verizon Hub (http://www.verizonwireless.com/b2c/vzhub/overview.jsp?lid=//global//phones+and+accessories//verizon+hub ) is one of the coolest concepts I've seen in a while. Which means that it probably won't catch on and will just fade into oblivion.
I've been saying for months that "Fast and Furious" was a great idea. I didn't expect it to be $72M opening weekend great. Don't underestimate the staggering drawing power of The Diesel. I bet he could make "Pacifier 2" a number one hit.
Nightmare on Elm Street is going to be rebooted with a new Freddy Kruger. So, now we've had Friday the 13th, Halloween and Star Trek rebooted, among others. How about a new "Police Academy"? I swear to god, I wrote that last sentence and then looked up Police Academy on IMDB. New Police Academy coming 2011.
I don't get Twitter yet. I'm on it and from what I'm deducing its basically like Facebook where you give status updates and that's pretty much it. But I already have a Facebook for that. I don't get it. Yet.
Opening Day tomorrow: GO RED SOX!
I'm finished,
Nate
It was just be super duper if psychos would stop shooting a bunch of people and then killing themselves. You're crazy and you want to take yourself out? Go for it. I'm not saying it's a good idea, but don't be a douchebag and take a dozen people out with you. Is that fair?
Apparently Miley Cyrus thanked "The Kids" in her Kid's Choice Awards acceptance speech. That's 16 year old Miley Cyrus, thanking the kids.
Anyone who thinks their job is safe, just remember, "Obama can now fire you."
I think people 40 years and older watch and discuss "American Idol" more than any demographic at this point. When I hear a middle age woman, opining how she is happy they got rid of "the good looking gal with the hideous tattoo", I wonder if this is what the creators had in mind when they launched the thing.
The Verizon Hub (http://www.verizonwireless
I've been saying for months that "Fast and Furious" was a great idea. I didn't expect it to be $72M opening weekend great. Don't underestimate the staggering drawing power of The Diesel. I bet he could make "Pacifier 2" a number one hit.
Nightmare on Elm Street is going to be rebooted with a new Freddy Kruger. So, now we've had Friday the 13th, Halloween and Star Trek rebooted, among others. How about a new "Police Academy"? I swear to god, I wrote that last sentence and then looked up Police Academy on IMDB. New Police Academy coming 2011.
I don't get Twitter yet. I'm on it and from what I'm deducing its basically like Facebook where you give status updates and that's pretty much it. But I already have a Facebook for that. I don't get it. Yet.
Opening Day tomorrow: GO RED SOX!
I'm finished,
Nate
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Randomness, Vol 3
Once again, random thoughts I felt compelled to jot down...
Coca Cola will apparently be removing the word "Classic" from it's labels soon. As you may know, the company re-released the original formula of Coca Cola after tons of people went apeshit when "New Coke" was released back in 1985. The shocking thing about this? New Coke survived, in some form, in some parts of the country until 2002!!! That's SEVENTEEN freakin years!!! Have you ever seen a can of New Coke? I will give somebody $5000 hypothetical dollars if they can show me physical evidence that they ever came into contact with a New Coke product.
What else is still lurking out there that we don't know about? Are we sure there isn't some gas station in Missouri that's carrying Crystal Pepsi right now? In Huntsville, AL is there a kid going to class with a bottle of "Surge" citrus soda in his or her backpack? Are we sure that Zima, the first alcoholic soda, is officially off the market? (That last one actually makes me sad, because Zima was my jam the first two years of college. The stuff tasted like soda and was like 10% alcohol. Then it got muscled out of the market by new and "improved" products. You ever try drinking a Smirnoff Ice? It's like 7% alcohol and 50% heartburn.)
So I learned something valuable last week. Don't underestimate the conviction of the Christian Bale supporters out there. I'm sorry guys, I was simply trying to say last time that I found some funny parts of his tirade. I would never say anything to insult the man or his work ethic, or his body of work... Even though he'll most likely give the worst performance yet as John Conner, and that's a list that includes Edward Furlong! Oh, snap!
After watching Top Gun for the 538th time this weekend, I thought of two more things that bugged me:
1) Maverick is close to turning his flirting with Charlie, his instructor into a full fledged, 4G Inverted Dive, and what does she do to him? Totally punks him in class! I always assumed that one of the fringe benefits of sleeping with your superior is that you could get praise for basically mailing it in. Nope. "I'm totally hot for you, so I'll express it by slapping a dunce cap on you in front of all of your classmates, who happen to be some of the most vindictive douches in the Navy. The elite. The best of the best."
2) The boys get in trouble for nailing Jester just below the hard deck on their first flight at Top Gun, which was 10,000 feet. In actual aerial combat, can the enemy not shoot you if you are below a certain altitude? Is it like having immunity on "Survivor"? I wasn't that pissed at them, to be honest with you. I praised their initiative and out of the box thinking.
I didn't realize that the side effects of steroids included your lips turning purple and leaving your wife for Skeletor-esque former pop music icons who are like 20 years older than you.
Do you think any of the other actors nominated for the Best Supporting Actor Oscar even go to the ceremony? Has Heath Ledger's name been engraved on that trophy since the week after "The Dark Knight" came out?
There is an Indian tribe in California that recently overcame one of the last legal hurdles standing in the way of allowing it to build a new casino in Northern California. The tribe consists of one woman and 5 of her immediate family members. The tribe was officially created when an application sat on a Department of Interior desk too long a couple of decades ago and was approved by default. And so started Chief Nate Dogg's dream of rolling all debonair like DeNiro and Pesci in "Casino".
President Obama signed the newest economic stimulus package into law this week. "Thanks a lot, assholes!" said your great-great-grandkids, who will still be paying for all of these bailouts.
I'm finished,
Nate
Coca Cola will apparently be removing the word "Classic" from it's labels soon. As you may know, the company re-released the original formula of Coca Cola after tons of people went apeshit when "New Coke" was released back in 1985. The shocking thing about this? New Coke survived, in some form, in some parts of the country until 2002!!! That's SEVENTEEN freakin years!!! Have you ever seen a can of New Coke? I will give somebody $5000 hypothetical dollars if they can show me physical evidence that they ever came into contact with a New Coke product.
What else is still lurking out there that we don't know about? Are we sure there isn't some gas station in Missouri that's carrying Crystal Pepsi right now? In Huntsville, AL is there a kid going to class with a bottle of "Surge" citrus soda in his or her backpack? Are we sure that Zima, the first alcoholic soda, is officially off the market? (That last one actually makes me sad, because Zima was my jam the first two years of college. The stuff tasted like soda and was like 10% alcohol. Then it got muscled out of the market by new and "improved" products. You ever try drinking a Smirnoff Ice? It's like 7% alcohol and 50% heartburn.)
So I learned something valuable last week. Don't underestimate the conviction of the Christian Bale supporters out there. I'm sorry guys, I was simply trying to say last time that I found some funny parts of his tirade. I would never say anything to insult the man or his work ethic, or his body of work... Even though he'll most likely give the worst performance yet as John Conner, and that's a list that includes Edward Furlong! Oh, snap!
After watching Top Gun for the 538th time this weekend, I thought of two more things that bugged me:
1) Maverick is close to turning his flirting with Charlie, his instructor into a full fledged, 4G Inverted Dive, and what does she do to him? Totally punks him in class! I always assumed that one of the fringe benefits of sleeping with your superior is that you could get praise for basically mailing it in. Nope. "I'm totally hot for you, so I'll express it by slapping a dunce cap on you in front of all of your classmates, who happen to be some of the most vindictive douches in the Navy. The elite. The best of the best."
2) The boys get in trouble for nailing Jester just below the hard deck on their first flight at Top Gun, which was 10,000 feet. In actual aerial combat, can the enemy not shoot you if you are below a certain altitude? Is it like having immunity on "Survivor"? I wasn't that pissed at them, to be honest with you. I praised their initiative and out of the box thinking.
I didn't realize that the side effects of steroids included your lips turning purple and leaving your wife for Skeletor-esque former pop music icons who are like 20 years older than you.
Do you think any of the other actors nominated for the Best Supporting Actor Oscar even go to the ceremony? Has Heath Ledger's name been engraved on that trophy since the week after "The Dark Knight" came out?
There is an Indian tribe in California that recently overcame one of the last legal hurdles standing in the way of allowing it to build a new casino in Northern California. The tribe consists of one woman and 5 of her immediate family members. The tribe was officially created when an application sat on a Department of Interior desk too long a couple of decades ago and was approved by default. And so started Chief Nate Dogg's dream of rolling all debonair like DeNiro and Pesci in "Casino".
President Obama signed the newest economic stimulus package into law this week. "Thanks a lot, assholes!" said your great-great-grandkids, who will still be paying for all of these bailouts.
I'm finished,
Nate
Saturday, February 07, 2009
Randomness, Vol 2
Once again, random thoughts I felt compelled to jot down...
Ohhhhh, Christian Bale. Christian, Christian, Christian. In case you hadn't heard, Christian Bale went all Veruca Salt on the set of the new Terminator movie last summer. There's a link to the audio below (make sure the kids and the grandparents are out of the room first, unless your grandpa is Quentin Tarantino.) Two things from this:
a) I hope to God someone digitally enhances the clip using the "Batman voice".
b) At one point he asks the movie's director, "McG! You have f*%kin' something to say to this prick?!" I think this is hilarious. Does anyone call McG by his real name? He has a real name. It's Joseph (thank you, Wikipedia.) It must make for interesting holidays:
"Hey Joe, can you pass the green beans? Joe? Joseph?"
"McG, some green beans over here, please?"
"Yes, I know you directed Charlie's Angels."
"Yes, I see. You have Drew Barrymore's cell phone number in your Blackberry. Awesome."
"Yeah, I know you're the only one at the table with a Blackberry."
(Quick side note: I heart MgG. He executive produced "The O.C." and created the short lived TV show "Fastlane". Two of my favorite vices.)
If I get this "Barack Obama Stimulus Check" that I see advertised all over the internet, does it come from the US Treasury, or is it just a personal check from the commander-in-chief's LaSalle Bank checking account?
USA Swimming has suspended Michael Phelps for three months in response to pictures that surface of him doing an individual medley on a water bong. Because apparently an actual slap on the wrist would be too harsh a punishment. Let's be honest, the next swim meet we care about is more than 3 years away in London. Wow, they really taught him a lesson! But what about the World Championships, the Nationwide Series of swim meets? Nope, he'll be unsuspended by then, too. It's like grounding a kid right up until the week before prom.
Does anyone still realize that there was a show that came before "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" that was just called "Extreme Makeover"? It's true. It ran for about five years and they would give people plastic surgery and stuff. Eventually "Home Edition" became uber popular for reasons that may only be known to Ty Pennington and Beelzebub himself. I like to think of the original "Makeover" as the Johnny Drama of reality shows.
There is a Gillette razor commercial that depicts athletic deities Tiger Woods and Roger Federer fighting over a Fusion razor. In the latter parts of their pursuit of this razor, they both stop and seem intrigued that the blades for the razor can be had for what amounts to a mere $1 per day. OK, seeing as Tiger Woods basically prints money in his basement, I really don't believe that would be a big deal to him. If he was taken aback by a sign saying, "You can stay at the Bridge Suite at the Atlantis Resort in the Bahamas for only $20,000 per night", that I might believe.
If you're in the market for facial tissues (and who isn't this time of year? Am I right?) then let me suggest to you Puffs Plus Lotion with the scent of Vicks. The cool menthol smell will make you feel like you're blowing your honker with a Newport cigarette. The lotion is gentle on your skin so you won't end up looking like Ray Liotta when he's all coked up towards the end of "GoodFellas." I should write commercials.
There is a brand of orange juice called "Simply Orange" that comes in mango and pineapple flavors. Not so simple after all, is it?
I'm finished,
Nate
Christian Bale taking himself a little too seriously:
http://www.aolcdn.com/tmz_audio/020209_christianbale.mp3
Ohhhhh, Christian Bale. Christian, Christian, Christian. In case you hadn't heard, Christian Bale went all Veruca Salt on the set of the new Terminator movie last summer. There's a link to the audio below (make sure the kids and the grandparents are out of the room first, unless your grandpa is Quentin Tarantino.) Two things from this:
a) I hope to God someone digitally enhances the clip using the "Batman voice".
b) At one point he asks the movie's director, "McG! You have f*%kin' something to say to this prick?!" I think this is hilarious. Does anyone call McG by his real name? He has a real name. It's Joseph (thank you, Wikipedia.) It must make for interesting holidays:
"Hey Joe, can you pass the green beans? Joe? Joseph?"
"McG, some green beans over here, please?"
"Yes, I know you directed Charlie's Angels."
"Yes, I see. You have Drew Barrymore's cell phone number in your Blackberry. Awesome."
"Yeah, I know you're the only one at the table with a Blackberry."
(Quick side note: I heart MgG. He executive produced "The O.C." and created the short lived TV show "Fastlane". Two of my favorite vices.)
If I get this "Barack Obama Stimulus Check" that I see advertised all over the internet, does it come from the US Treasury, or is it just a personal check from the commander-in-chief's LaSalle Bank checking account?
USA Swimming has suspended Michael Phelps for three months in response to pictures that surface of him doing an individual medley on a water bong. Because apparently an actual slap on the wrist would be too harsh a punishment. Let's be honest, the next swim meet we care about is more than 3 years away in London. Wow, they really taught him a lesson! But what about the World Championships, the Nationwide Series of swim meets? Nope, he'll be unsuspended by then, too. It's like grounding a kid right up until the week before prom.
Does anyone still realize that there was a show that came before "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" that was just called "Extreme Makeover"? It's true. It ran for about five years and they would give people plastic surgery and stuff. Eventually "Home Edition" became uber popular for reasons that may only be known to Ty Pennington and Beelzebub himself. I like to think of the original "Makeover" as the Johnny Drama of reality shows.
There is a Gillette razor commercial that depicts athletic deities Tiger Woods and Roger Federer fighting over a Fusion razor. In the latter parts of their pursuit of this razor, they both stop and seem intrigued that the blades for the razor can be had for what amounts to a mere $1 per day. OK, seeing as Tiger Woods basically prints money in his basement, I really don't believe that would be a big deal to him. If he was taken aback by a sign saying, "You can stay at the Bridge Suite at the Atlantis Resort in the Bahamas for only $20,000 per night", that I might believe.
If you're in the market for facial tissues (and who isn't this time of year? Am I right?) then let me suggest to you Puffs Plus Lotion with the scent of Vicks. The cool menthol smell will make you feel like you're blowing your honker with a Newport cigarette. The lotion is gentle on your skin so you won't end up looking like Ray Liotta when he's all coked up towards the end of "GoodFellas." I should write commercials.
There is a brand of orange juice called "Simply Orange" that comes in mango and pineapple flavors. Not so simple after all, is it?
I'm finished,
Nate
Christian Bale taking himself a little too seriously:
http://www.aolcdn.com/tmz_
Monday, February 02, 2009
Randomness, Vol 1
Some random thoughts that I jotted down and felt compelled to share.
We live in a country where doctors will give fertility treatments to women who already have six kids. The irony of this whole thing is that she was having these kids through in vitro because her body was not able to easily produce kids. Fourteen later...
I was in line at Taco Bell today. Two things made me mad:
- I'm still not happy that they don't carry the Volcano Taco any more. The Cheesy Bacon Gordita Crunch is merely a passable substitute. The Volcano was the closest thing a fast food restaurant has ever come to serving sex in a paper wrapper. Moving on.
- If you're standing in front of me in line talking on your cell phone for five minutes while other people order and then get to the counter and say, "Can you hold on a second? Let's see... I don't know what I want." I should be permitted by law to pick up the cash register and drop it on your stupid head.
Country star Alan Jackson has remained popular even though he's been singing basically the same song for the last half a decade. Did you know that he's from "the country", and considers himself a "country boy"? No, really.
Just as I predicted, no Oscar love for The Dark Knight. It will just have to settle for the Hossie and the love an adoration of me and legions of geeked out males all over the planet.
In a semi related note, I saw some more trailers for "Watchmen" and the thing looks dope. If they have a midnight showing somewhere in the area, try keeping me away.
Here's how the last 50 years worth of Illinois governors have worked out:
- Rod Blagojevich (2003-09), removed from office on charges of being corrupt and a despicable person
- George Ryan (1999-2003), currently in prison serving time for armed robbery... wait, not armed robbery... corruption. That makes more sense.
- Daniel Walker (1973-77), convicted in his post-gubernatorial career of defrauding a Savings and Loan. (You might remember the S&L Crisis period. It was a government bailout before government bailouts were all the rage, like say, today. I dream of one day starting my own failing business so that I can get some of that bailout action. That's what I call entrepreneurial spirit.)
- Otto Kerner (1961-68), sentenced to three years in prison on numerous counts of bribery and perjury among others.
- William Stratton (1953-61), charged with tax evasion and later acquitted.
Illinois politics is a straight up freak show. This Kerner guy got caught because the person he took bribes from tried to write them off on their income taxes as "the cost of doing business in Illinois."
Couple of thoughts about the Super Bowl:
- Kurt Warner's hand was definitely coming forward. That was an incomplete pass and should have been reviewed.
- Immediately after the game, I get a text from Grant: "I'm glad the Lions didn't win this Super Bowl. The hats are ugly." Well, then. I guess there is always 2010 for the Kitties from Detroit City. He's totally right about the hats, though. The only uglier hats I can recall are the hats from the Packers Super Bowl year:
http://www.packertime.com/players/reggiewhite/imgs/main.jpg
- Thank you to Danica Patrick. Up until now you had tried to maintain this charade about how you wanted to be respected in your professional capacities for being a race car driver not for doing swimsuit issues and Maxim shoots. Glad to see you finally get in where ya fit in.
I'm finished,
Nate
We live in a country where doctors will give fertility treatments to women who already have six kids. The irony of this whole thing is that she was having these kids through in vitro because her body was not able to easily produce kids. Fourteen later...
I was in line at Taco Bell today. Two things made me mad:
- I'm still not happy that they don't carry the Volcano Taco any more. The Cheesy Bacon Gordita Crunch is merely a passable substitute. The Volcano was the closest thing a fast food restaurant has ever come to serving sex in a paper wrapper. Moving on.
- If you're standing in front of me in line talking on your cell phone for five minutes while other people order and then get to the counter and say, "Can you hold on a second? Let's see... I don't know what I want." I should be permitted by law to pick up the cash register and drop it on your stupid head.
Country star Alan Jackson has remained popular even though he's been singing basically the same song for the last half a decade. Did you know that he's from "the country", and considers himself a "country boy"? No, really.
Just as I predicted, no Oscar love for The Dark Knight. It will just have to settle for the Hossie and the love an adoration of me and legions of geeked out males all over the planet.
In a semi related note, I saw some more trailers for "Watchmen" and the thing looks dope. If they have a midnight showing somewhere in the area, try keeping me away.
Here's how the last 50 years worth of Illinois governors have worked out:
- Rod Blagojevich (2003-09), removed from office on charges of being corrupt and a despicable person
- George Ryan (1999-2003), currently in prison serving time for armed robbery... wait, not armed robbery... corruption. That makes more sense.
- Daniel Walker (1973-77), convicted in his post-gubernatorial career of defrauding a Savings and Loan. (You might remember the S&L Crisis period. It was a government bailout before government bailouts were all the rage, like say, today. I dream of one day starting my own failing business so that I can get some of that bailout action. That's what I call entrepreneurial spirit.)
- Otto Kerner (1961-68), sentenced to three years in prison on numerous counts of bribery and perjury among others.
- William Stratton (1953-61), charged with tax evasion and later acquitted.
Illinois politics is a straight up freak show. This Kerner guy got caught because the person he took bribes from tried to write them off on their income taxes as "the cost of doing business in Illinois."
Couple of thoughts about the Super Bowl:
- Kurt Warner's hand was definitely coming forward. That was an incomplete pass and should have been reviewed.
- Immediately after the game, I get a text from Grant: "I'm glad the Lions didn't win this Super Bowl. The hats are ugly." Well, then. I guess there is always 2010 for the Kitties from Detroit City. He's totally right about the hats, though. The only uglier hats I can recall are the hats from the Packers Super Bowl year:
http://www.packertime.com/
- Thank you to Danica Patrick. Up until now you had tried to maintain this charade about how you wanted to be respected in your professional capacities for being a race car driver not for doing swimsuit issues and Maxim shoots. Glad to see you finally get in where ya fit in.
I'm finished,
Nate
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
2008 Posts
During the latter part of 2006, as well as 2007 and 2008, I was blogging on my myspace.com page:
blogs.myspace.com/callmehosstng
blogs.myspace.com/callmehosstng
Monday, January 01, 2007
2007 Posts
During the latter part of 2006, as well as 2007 and 2008, I was blogging on my myspace.com page:
blogs.myspace.com/callmehosstng
blogs.myspace.com/callmehosstng
Friday, December 01, 2006
2006 Posts
During the latter part of 2006, as well as 2007 and 2008, I was blogging on my myspace.com page:
blogs.myspace.com/callmehosstng
blogs.myspace.com/callmehosstng
Monday, May 29, 2006
It's Time.
Well folks, it's time for my blogger.com days to come to an end and for me to move on. I have enjoyed my time and will always have fond memories. The appeal and the immense power of myspace is too much to ignore any longer. Come take a look at the new profile and blog entries at:
http://www.myspace.com/callmehosstng
I'm finished,
Nate
http://www.myspace.com/callmehosstng
I'm finished,
Nate
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
The Movie Super Bowl
A few thought about the Oscars and other stuff.
I turn the channel once in the three and a half hour Oscar telecast because the "Best Original Score" award is coming up. And what happens? Salma Hayek comes out wearing the best dress I've ever seen at an awards show and I friggin miss it. Here's the photo to prove it.
If "Crash" was the best movie put out last year, then Barry Bonds got so big by using a Bowflex machine. I honestly don't even know which one I would've picked. "Crash" was the only one I saw. As one person I read put it, "Crash wasn't even the best movie with Terrance Howard in it last year (Hustle & Flow.)"
George Clooney is the man, even if he is a flaming liberal.
In two of the last four years, the Oscar for Best Original Song has gone to "Lose Yourself" by Eminem and "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" by Three Six Mafia.
Jessica Alba was threatening to sue Playboy for running a picture of her on their March cover. She alleges that the picture damages her reputation and leads people to believe that she posed "nude or semi-nude" in the magazine. Because it's such a stretch to think that the person who wore lefover fragments of lycra and spandex throughout the entire movie "Into the Blue" would ever pose "semi-nude."
Speaking of that magazine, I wonder what the top 5 sure-fire best sellers would be right now in 2006 if they posed in Playboy? I think it would go a little something like this,
5) Jessica Beil
4) Hilary Duff
3) Scarlett Johannson
2) Jessica Alba
1) Jessica Simpson
Not my list, by the way, I'm just saying. Now, I know that this whole commentary is offensive to women everywhere and I shouldn't be thinking of lists like this now that I am no longer in the eighth grade. But I spent too much time and energy thinking of it to leave it out.
I'm saying right now that Connecticut wins the men's basketball championship this year. I have a good feeling about them this year. It's the same feeling I had in 1999 when they beat Duke in the finals and I didn't pick them. I had the same feeling in 2004 when I picked them to win the online pool. I think Julie's brother is still reeling from that beat down.
Domino (Keira Knightley, Mickey Rourke) - I loved this movie. It is based (very loosely) on the life and times of Beverly Hills kid turned bounty hunter Domino Harvey. It's a straight action flick that sprinkles in some delightful little nuggets of drama and even some romance. The movie is cut at a frantic pace, jumping from one scene to another like a music video, which is a technique that I usually hate. In this case it seemed to mirror the manic style of the storyline and complimented the plot righteously.
There is a fair amount of comedy as well, intentional and otherwise. A particualrily hilarious scene takes place with Mo'Nique on the Jerry Springer Show, singing the praises of her proposed racial subclassification including "Blacktino" and "Hispanese."
Needless to say, but I'll say it anyway, Keira Knightley is smoking hot. She may be the most attractive woman in Hollywood that's under a C cup. The combination of action sequences and scant bounty hunter outfits is enough to make a fella fall in love.
And the rest of the cast! You've got Keira, Mickey Rourke, Chris Walken, Mena Suvari, Lucy Lui, Delroy Lindo, Edgar Ramirez, Mo'Nique, and my personal favorites... Ian Ziering and Brian Austin Green playing themselves. That's right! Steve Sanders and David Silver back together again... 90210 style!
Bad News Bears (Billy Bob Thorton, Marcia Gay Harden)- Cute remake of the 70's classic. Has some funny parts but never really focuses on a demographic that it is geared to. The kid's uniforms are sponsered by Bo Beep's Gentlemen's Club, and that's pretty darned funny.
I'm finished,
Nate
I turn the channel once in the three and a half hour Oscar telecast because the "Best Original Score" award is coming up. And what happens? Salma Hayek comes out wearing the best dress I've ever seen at an awards show and I friggin miss it. Here's the photo to prove it.
If "Crash" was the best movie put out last year, then Barry Bonds got so big by using a Bowflex machine. I honestly don't even know which one I would've picked. "Crash" was the only one I saw. As one person I read put it, "Crash wasn't even the best movie with Terrance Howard in it last year (Hustle & Flow.)"
George Clooney is the man, even if he is a flaming liberal.
In two of the last four years, the Oscar for Best Original Song has gone to "Lose Yourself" by Eminem and "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" by Three Six Mafia.
Jessica Alba was threatening to sue Playboy for running a picture of her on their March cover. She alleges that the picture damages her reputation and leads people to believe that she posed "nude or semi-nude" in the magazine. Because it's such a stretch to think that the person who wore lefover fragments of lycra and spandex throughout the entire movie "Into the Blue" would ever pose "semi-nude."
Speaking of that magazine, I wonder what the top 5 sure-fire best sellers would be right now in 2006 if they posed in Playboy? I think it would go a little something like this,
5) Jessica Beil
4) Hilary Duff
3) Scarlett Johannson
2) Jessica Alba
1) Jessica Simpson
Not my list, by the way, I'm just saying. Now, I know that this whole commentary is offensive to women everywhere and I shouldn't be thinking of lists like this now that I am no longer in the eighth grade. But I spent too much time and energy thinking of it to leave it out.
I'm saying right now that Connecticut wins the men's basketball championship this year. I have a good feeling about them this year. It's the same feeling I had in 1999 when they beat Duke in the finals and I didn't pick them. I had the same feeling in 2004 when I picked them to win the online pool. I think Julie's brother is still reeling from that beat down.
Domino (Keira Knightley, Mickey Rourke) - I loved this movie. It is based (very loosely) on the life and times of Beverly Hills kid turned bounty hunter Domino Harvey. It's a straight action flick that sprinkles in some delightful little nuggets of drama and even some romance. The movie is cut at a frantic pace, jumping from one scene to another like a music video, which is a technique that I usually hate. In this case it seemed to mirror the manic style of the storyline and complimented the plot righteously.
There is a fair amount of comedy as well, intentional and otherwise. A particualrily hilarious scene takes place with Mo'Nique on the Jerry Springer Show, singing the praises of her proposed racial subclassification including "Blacktino" and "Hispanese."
Needless to say, but I'll say it anyway, Keira Knightley is smoking hot. She may be the most attractive woman in Hollywood that's under a C cup. The combination of action sequences and scant bounty hunter outfits is enough to make a fella fall in love.
And the rest of the cast! You've got Keira, Mickey Rourke, Chris Walken, Mena Suvari, Lucy Lui, Delroy Lindo, Edgar Ramirez, Mo'Nique, and my personal favorites... Ian Ziering and Brian Austin Green playing themselves. That's right! Steve Sanders and David Silver back together again... 90210 style!
Bad News Bears (Billy Bob Thorton, Marcia Gay Harden)- Cute remake of the 70's classic. Has some funny parts but never really focuses on a demographic that it is geared to. The kid's uniforms are sponsered by Bo Beep's Gentlemen's Club, and that's pretty darned funny.
I'm finished,
Nate
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Let's play ball!
For something with such a grandiose name like the world baseball classic, you would think more people would care. The competition starts this week with teams from around the world vying to win the coveted... I actually don't know what they win. I bet it's something good, though. Like a King Size Kit Kat or something.
I'm approaching this competition with cautious optimism. I think it will be an interesting endeavor in international competition and I always love to see players out there giving it all for their homeland. Laying it on the line for the country of their birth.
Oh, wait... Mike Piazza is playing for Team Italy. That's Norristown, Pennsylvania's own Mike Piazza catching for Italia. Are you kidding me? That's only one instance. The big debate for the American team earlier this year was whether or not Alex Rodriguez would play for the United States or the Dominican Republic. There were pros and cons to each side. The biggest argument for playing for the U.S. being, I don't know, he was born in friggin' New York City!
(Actually, I think it was all just a show by A-Rod until he found out that neither team would pay him more for being on their team. I'm surprised he even agreed to be in the thing after that. I swear to god, if North Korea offered to pay A-Rod more to play for them, he would change his name to Kim-Il Rod and move to P'yongyang. I hate that guy.)
I don't get this roster thing at all. A-Rod decided to play for the U.S. in the end, but Piazza is playing for Italy and Nomar Garciaparra was going to play for Mexico (which I'm sure he's been to a few times, but he was born in California.) You could make the argument that Piazza is not the best catcher the U.S. has to offer (hell, that's not a argument, that's a known fact), but if that's the case he should just not be playing at all. Could Chan-ho Park be on the United States pitching staff? Absolutely not. But he and Byung-Hyun Kim (who's kind of an anti-relief pitcher in all honesty) are the studs of the South Korean rotation. And guess what? They were both born in South Korea! I looked it up!
All that aside, the real fun may be off the field as the crazy Cubans come to town. Cuba and the U.S. have always had a tenuous relationship. There was that missile thing back in the day, assassination plots and that decades-long embargo thing. The Cuban team had to receive a special sanction from the government just to participate in the tournament. You can't tell me their aren't going to be at least two or three Cubans that do the dollars to pesos conversion of what a fifth string middle reliever makes in salary and decides, "Screw communism, I'm getting myself a pair of Timberlands!"
MOVIE REVIEW
Doom (Eric Urban, The Rock) - I loved the video game that this movie was based on and always wondered why they never made a movie about it. I wish I was still wondering. Guns. Mars. Demon creatures. That's about all you need to know.
I'm finished,
Nate
I'm approaching this competition with cautious optimism. I think it will be an interesting endeavor in international competition and I always love to see players out there giving it all for their homeland. Laying it on the line for the country of their birth.
Oh, wait... Mike Piazza is playing for Team Italy. That's Norristown, Pennsylvania's own Mike Piazza catching for Italia. Are you kidding me? That's only one instance. The big debate for the American team earlier this year was whether or not Alex Rodriguez would play for the United States or the Dominican Republic. There were pros and cons to each side. The biggest argument for playing for the U.S. being, I don't know, he was born in friggin' New York City!
(Actually, I think it was all just a show by A-Rod until he found out that neither team would pay him more for being on their team. I'm surprised he even agreed to be in the thing after that. I swear to god, if North Korea offered to pay A-Rod more to play for them, he would change his name to Kim-Il Rod and move to P'yongyang. I hate that guy.)
I don't get this roster thing at all. A-Rod decided to play for the U.S. in the end, but Piazza is playing for Italy and Nomar Garciaparra was going to play for Mexico (which I'm sure he's been to a few times, but he was born in California.) You could make the argument that Piazza is not the best catcher the U.S. has to offer (hell, that's not a argument, that's a known fact), but if that's the case he should just not be playing at all. Could Chan-ho Park be on the United States pitching staff? Absolutely not. But he and Byung-Hyun Kim (who's kind of an anti-relief pitcher in all honesty) are the studs of the South Korean rotation. And guess what? They were both born in South Korea! I looked it up!
All that aside, the real fun may be off the field as the crazy Cubans come to town. Cuba and the U.S. have always had a tenuous relationship. There was that missile thing back in the day, assassination plots and that decades-long embargo thing. The Cuban team had to receive a special sanction from the government just to participate in the tournament. You can't tell me their aren't going to be at least two or three Cubans that do the dollars to pesos conversion of what a fifth string middle reliever makes in salary and decides, "Screw communism, I'm getting myself a pair of Timberlands!"
MOVIE REVIEW
Doom (Eric Urban, The Rock) - I loved the video game that this movie was based on and always wondered why they never made a movie about it. I wish I was still wondering. Guns. Mars. Demon creatures. That's about all you need to know.
I'm finished,
Nate
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Leeets Go Wiiiildcats!
I spent the weekend in Marquette to take in some hockey and enjoy the company of Gabe, Gabe's sister Rheannon, Ashly Shannon (with her crew) and the Puckheads. "Oh how I hate" Ohio State was in town for two games to finalize the seeding for the CCHA playoffs. I put off going to the game on Friday night until Gabe's sister got into the MQT. By the time Rhea got into town, we ended up deciding not to hit the game and hit the town instead (Nickel, Shamrock, Remie's, Upfront.) After the bar we made some late night dinner then spread pizza sauce on each other while purposely pouring beer on ourselves and the floor. Don't ask.
Saturday was a typical day of Gabe and I running some Roxbury and having some beers. Also, there's this stuff in the Northern part of Michigan that is white and falls from the sky. The locals call it "snow" and apparently it's not uncommon to get 6-8 inches of it in one night.
Northern hockey came out very flat on Saturday night against the Buckeyes. After falling behind 2-0, the Cats got it together and scored 4 unanswered and with Nebraska-Omaha losing, locked up a first round bye with a 14-12-2 record in the CCHA. Not as bad of a finish as I was predicting. I thought as a whole, the CCHA was down this year, but after some research, I found that the 30 points we earned this year would have dropped us in 4th place in the CCHA last year as well, when UNO held down the spot with a 13-11-4 record (30 pts.)
Saturday night was more of the same with stops at Overtime, Nickel, Skybox, and ending up briefly at The Matrixx. Then things got loopy. Rheannon and I decide to leave because it's getting close to 2am and Gabe's finding his own way home. We see some obviously intoxicated kid stumbling down the side of the road and looking freezing. Because Rheannon is a generous, we pick this kid up. Here's the conversation that ensues:
Nate: "Where are you going?"
Kid: "I don't know."
N: "Where do you live?"
K: "Houghton."
N: "Are you staying with someone?"
K: "Yeah, but I don't remember where they are. Either Marquette or Negaunee...with my truck."
Voice in Nate's head: "God damn it."
So, after ignoring my idea to drop him off and let the police scoop him up, we take the kid up to Econo Foods, where I spend the next 2 hours getting ahold of his mom in friggin' Gaylord and getting a relative from the area to come pick him up. Can you get good points for karma if you didn't really want to help the person in the first place?
MOVIE REVIEWS
Four Rooms (Tim Roth) - An older movie told in four seperate but intertwined segments about the night of a bellhop at a past-its-prime luxury hotel on New Year's Eve. Each segment was directed by seperate folks, including one each by Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez. I love this movie (especially the final segment) and have since back in the day. Always fun to watch a movie that you know is going to deliver beforehand.
Waiting (Ryan Reynolds, Anna Faris) - Hilarious. Although it was not received well at the box office ($16 mil), I have a feeling that this movie will have a huge cult following. Maybe not quite as big as a Napolean Dynamite, but probably along the lines of an Office Space. Ryan Reynolds delivers the goods in his signature deadpan style (when doesn't he.) There's a lot more to this film than the gross out gags and the male genitalia references, but even if you just focus on those parts, it's not bad. I'll let you decide for yourself.
Rent (Rosario Dawson, Taye Diggs)- Of course this is the film adaptation of ultra-popular Broadway musical. That being said, I actually enjoyed this movie for the most part. After a slow start, the second half is definitely worth the price of admission. Plus, few things put a smile on my face like the fact that a movie about AIDS, drugs, sex and poverty is directed by the guy who brought us Home Alone and Mrs. Doubtfire.
Havoc (Anne Hathaway, Bijou Phillips) - This thing was just a mess from start to finish. Just a formulaic and uninspired movie about white kids acting black. (And poorly I might add. Some of the worst "gangsta" dialogue in the history of movies.) The plot was fairly predictable and I'm not sure there ever was a defined point or goal. So, how could anyone find any redeeming value in this clunker? Oh, I forgot, Anne Hathaway (a long way from the Princess Diaries) and Bijou Phillips get naked in the same scene. Tastefully done, of course.
RANDOM MOVIE QUOTE!!!
Manager: "We need to seize the day. Be enthusiastic."
Floyd: [enthusiastically] "Aw yeah! Carpe Deez Nuts! God, I can't wait to quit this job!"
-Waiting (2005)
I'm finished,
Nate
Saturday was a typical day of Gabe and I running some Roxbury and having some beers. Also, there's this stuff in the Northern part of Michigan that is white and falls from the sky. The locals call it "snow" and apparently it's not uncommon to get 6-8 inches of it in one night.
Northern hockey came out very flat on Saturday night against the Buckeyes. After falling behind 2-0, the Cats got it together and scored 4 unanswered and with Nebraska-Omaha losing, locked up a first round bye with a 14-12-2 record in the CCHA. Not as bad of a finish as I was predicting. I thought as a whole, the CCHA was down this year, but after some research, I found that the 30 points we earned this year would have dropped us in 4th place in the CCHA last year as well, when UNO held down the spot with a 13-11-4 record (30 pts.)
Saturday night was more of the same with stops at Overtime, Nickel, Skybox, and ending up briefly at The Matrixx. Then things got loopy. Rheannon and I decide to leave because it's getting close to 2am and Gabe's finding his own way home. We see some obviously intoxicated kid stumbling down the side of the road and looking freezing. Because Rheannon is a generous, we pick this kid up. Here's the conversation that ensues:
Nate: "Where are you going?"
Kid: "I don't know."
N: "Where do you live?"
K: "Houghton."
N: "Are you staying with someone?"
K: "Yeah, but I don't remember where they are. Either Marquette or Negaunee...with my truck."
Voice in Nate's head: "God damn it."
So, after ignoring my idea to drop him off and let the police scoop him up, we take the kid up to Econo Foods, where I spend the next 2 hours getting ahold of his mom in friggin' Gaylord and getting a relative from the area to come pick him up. Can you get good points for karma if you didn't really want to help the person in the first place?
MOVIE REVIEWS
Four Rooms (Tim Roth) - An older movie told in four seperate but intertwined segments about the night of a bellhop at a past-its-prime luxury hotel on New Year's Eve. Each segment was directed by seperate folks, including one each by Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez. I love this movie (especially the final segment) and have since back in the day. Always fun to watch a movie that you know is going to deliver beforehand.
Waiting (Ryan Reynolds, Anna Faris) - Hilarious. Although it was not received well at the box office ($16 mil), I have a feeling that this movie will have a huge cult following. Maybe not quite as big as a Napolean Dynamite, but probably along the lines of an Office Space. Ryan Reynolds delivers the goods in his signature deadpan style (when doesn't he.) There's a lot more to this film than the gross out gags and the male genitalia references, but even if you just focus on those parts, it's not bad. I'll let you decide for yourself.
Rent (Rosario Dawson, Taye Diggs)- Of course this is the film adaptation of ultra-popular Broadway musical. That being said, I actually enjoyed this movie for the most part. After a slow start, the second half is definitely worth the price of admission. Plus, few things put a smile on my face like the fact that a movie about AIDS, drugs, sex and poverty is directed by the guy who brought us Home Alone and Mrs. Doubtfire.
Havoc (Anne Hathaway, Bijou Phillips) - This thing was just a mess from start to finish. Just a formulaic and uninspired movie about white kids acting black. (And poorly I might add. Some of the worst "gangsta" dialogue in the history of movies.) The plot was fairly predictable and I'm not sure there ever was a defined point or goal. So, how could anyone find any redeeming value in this clunker? Oh, I forgot, Anne Hathaway (a long way from the Princess Diaries) and Bijou Phillips get naked in the same scene. Tastefully done, of course.
RANDOM MOVIE QUOTE!!!
Manager: "We need to seize the day. Be enthusiastic."
Floyd: [enthusiastically] "Aw yeah! Carpe Deez Nuts! God, I can't wait to quit this job!"
-Waiting (2005)
I'm finished,
Nate
Friday, February 24, 2006
What the...?
Hilarious article from the Post-Crescent which I had to reproduce on this blog...
The Post-Crescent
APPLETON — Appleton police, believing someone was hurt inside the second-floor apartment at 121½ Atlantic St., broke through the front door to find 46-year-old Ronald O. Johnson lying on the floor in extreme pain.
Johnson’s assailant had opened a window, broken out the screen and jumped from the second-floor window to escape before officers entered the apartment.
Police are still searching for the 26-year-old man who apparently lived at the same address. Officers had responded to the address after a neighbor heard parts of the disturbance and made forced entry when no one answered the door.
Johnson was transported to an area hospital with broken ribs. When it turned out he had a bench warrant out for his arrest from Shawano County, he was booked into the Outagamie County Jail. He was released Friday morning after posting a $10,000 bond on a non-criminal matter.
Johnson told police his roommate began beating him after the two had an argument about a cribbage game they were playing.
The Post-Crescent
APPLETON — Appleton police, believing someone was hurt inside the second-floor apartment at 121½ Atlantic St., broke through the front door to find 46-year-old Ronald O. Johnson lying on the floor in extreme pain.
Johnson’s assailant had opened a window, broken out the screen and jumped from the second-floor window to escape before officers entered the apartment.
Police are still searching for the 26-year-old man who apparently lived at the same address. Officers had responded to the address after a neighbor heard parts of the disturbance and made forced entry when no one answered the door.
Johnson was transported to an area hospital with broken ribs. When it turned out he had a bench warrant out for his arrest from Shawano County, he was booked into the Outagamie County Jail. He was released Friday morning after posting a $10,000 bond on a non-criminal matter.
Johnson told police his roommate began beating him after the two had an argument about a cribbage game they were playing.
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