A medical report I saw last week proclaimed a “breakthrough in the fight against Alzheimer’s.” I’m sure there were many a scientist pouring over years and years of empirical data and case studies, working tirelessly to discover and develop new ways to promote this breakthrough. Do you want to know the secret in the fight against this dreadful affliction?
Jogging.
Yep, a big study by the University of California-Irvine came up with…jogging. Let me just save all these researchers a ton of time. I have come out with a study, analyzing data I have seen on the news in the “Health Watch” portion over many years and Dr. Nathan Holtslander has come up with this theory: “JOGGING IS GOOD FOR YOU. It can prevent heart disease, Alzheimer’s, lung cancer, kidney disease, osteoporosis, gout, common cold, *deep breath*, arthritis, brain tumors, herpes, turf toe, carpal tunnel, and of course bad breath.” There. We don’t need any more studies to tell us that jogging is good. I think that fact has been established by every health organization and gym teacher in the country. I’m sure there’s never been a segment, “Next on Health Watch, eating potato chips and being inactive may be more beneficial than you think. We’ll explain after the break…” Supposedly exercise cures anything. Let me get this straight, when you get the heart working, increasing stamina, and enlarging lung capacity so as to better circulation through the body, that’s GOOD for you? Get out of here! Next your gonna be telling me that cigarettes are bad for me!
Speaking of Health Watch, is there a more useless portion of the news broadcast than Health Watch. How many people want to sit through a 5 minute story about how their fat ass is going to die young because they eat garbage and don’t get enough exercise? It’s depressing, just one more thing to get in the way of the Sports. Also, are they required to call it Health Watch? Maybe they call it different things on different stations, but as far as I know, that portion of the news carries no other name.
Finally, how can you believe any of these studies that come out on what seems like a twice-weekly basis? Remember what they said about eggs? Eggs used to be good for you (protein and all.) Then they were bad (like plague of locusts bad) because of cholesterol, and nobody wanted anything to do with them. They were like the OJ Simpson of foods. Then I think scientists decided that cholesterol wasn’t that bad. No, fist they decided that only the egg yolks were bad for you then they decided that cholesterol wasn’t bad and then that eggs were OK if only eaten twice a week. Then last month I think I saw something on Health Watch: “Eating eggs (with breakfast sausage) may reduce the risk of Alzhe...”
My head just exploded.
I’m finished,
Nate
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What they don't tell you is that you won't have alzheimer's but you also won't be able to walk because your joints stop working after years (or in my case weeks) of high impact exercise. You won't be able to move but your mind will be sharp as a tack!! I guess you won't be able to get out to the kitchen to make yourself some eggs either...Is that good or bad? I'm confused.
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