Onion style article - Pat Robertson: God's Displeasure With Chile "Obvious."

Pat Robertson Indicates That God's Displeasure With Chile Is "Obvious."
by Nathan Holtslander

VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. - Only two months removed from making incendiary observations about the Haitian earthquake being the result of pact the country's forefathers had made with the devil in 1791, conservative leader Pat Robertson has been surprisingly mum so far about the reasons behind the 8.8 magnitude earthquake in Chile. Robertson's Christian Broadcasting Network released only a short press release, simply stating, "Well, it IS Chile. I think it's pretty obvious, right?"

Robertson seems to be stirring the pot less than he usually does when a horrific natural disaster or terrorist attack needs to be blamed on a deal with Satan or the general breakdown of morals in society. Robertson once famously concurred with Jerry Falwell that the 9/11 attacks could be blamed in no small part on the American Civil Liberties Union due to its support of homosexuals and feminists, among other despicable bottomfeeders of society. Some are speculating that Mr. Robertson is balking at this opportunity because it is believed his knowledge of South America is limited to "we send missionaries there to save indigenous people that don't have Jesus in their life" and "it's where all the drugs come from that are turning the youths of this nation into souless pagans all high on the reefer and the smack." (Note: Chile is not known to be a significant exporter of illegal drugs.) However, others argue, that's all you really need to know.

"I thinks when he said 'It's obvious.' that's exactly what he meant", said Mark Donaldson, president of the Conshohocken, PA chapter of conservative group Family Values in Action "I mean, if a people will sell poison to their fellow man and engage in all other kinds of lewd and homosexual behaviors, eventually God is going to have a word with them. And in this case, he had a word in the form of a big honkin earthquake." Mr. Davidson declined to elaborate on what kind of "homosexual behaviors" he was referring to, going only so far as to say, "They're doing it. You know they're doing it."

Others disagree and claim that God had little to do with the catastrophe. Michael Gilberts from the US Geological Survey explains, "It's really about location..." He then went into some boring speech about the location of tectonic plates and the Earth's crust and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Perhaps in the days and weeks ahead, we will be able to better understand what exactly the Chilean people did that angered God enough that he needed to immediately bring down judgment on a couple hundred of them. For now, Pat Robertson has left us open to interpret the reasons behind the righteous and bloody vengeance that occurred less than a week ago.